Burning Man 2010 - Thursday / Friday

I simply don't remember any differentiation between these days, sorry. :( It's been too long and they've all blurred together. Chronology is lost to the banks of my memories. I'll just list various events and experiences without worrying too much about precisely *when* they took place.

I was Spiderman one night, but I lost my Spiderman hood at the end of the night. :( Lame. While Spiderman was very fun, it was totally eclipsed by Flaming Shadowman. Blake and I work the blacksuits from the SCI show at Horning's Hideout, and we had more fun than any two black-clad people are entitled to have. We climbed and climbed and climbed and hung and hung and hung. I explored my body's potentials and limitations like I never have before. I never would have believed that I could do the things I was doing. I got comfortable with double-knee hangs, and then single-knee hangs. I thrashed around in a single-knee hang. Blake lifted people from double- and single-knee hangs, and swung them. I explored a wide range of ways to hold onto all kinds of different anchor points with 1 or 2 hands and/or 1 or 2 legs/feet. I did Bridges on very tall, not-so-sturdy objects. From a Bridge or hang I gazed in stupified wonder out over a rave full of brightly-clad super-people.

Gummy Bears. Creature coined the phrase and it immediately made sense to me. He and I (after my return from BRC) took a moment to clarify just what quantifies a Gummy Bear.

I'm not sure they *need* to be female, but they overwhelmingly are females. Nearly all of them are small. They wear brightly-colored things, and they favor fluffy stuff. They're made up to look hotter than humans can possibly look, and dressed & costumed accordingly. They look like candy, clothed in wonderfully colored wrappers. But (for me at least) the primary determinant is how they dance.

Gummy Bears dance like sex-candy. They move in a way that's calculated to make watchers want them fiercely. They're not overtly sexual (at least not often) but the hint of sex is there. Mostly, though, they just dance (and look) like candy. Dawn is occasionally my Dark Gummy Bear (she doesn't favor neon colors). Feather was a Gummy Bear now & then. The rave stages were sprinkled liberally with Gummy Bears. The spotlight dancers (behind the screens at Tower of Babel, especially) are almost always Gummy Bears. Most Gummy Bears are strippers, though not all of them are.

Burning Man 2010 taught me not to obsess about Gummy Bears, yay! :) I watched them (they were everywhere and it was hard *not* to) and I slowly came to realize that I don't want one. I don't want human candy. I don't want strippers, or superhot European girls with perfect face and body. I got to see Gummy Bears in many different situations, and girls who are caught up enough in themselves to become candy aren't for me. It's a very good feeling - like I'm a trout that's finally learned to avoid flashing lures.

I also really appreciate the perks of being a stunting addict. I'm so often surrounded by superhot girls with absolutely delicious bodies... it's tough to find a guy who gets more hands-on experience with lithe bodies. And it lets me turn off the lust... I can be very physical with girls who are delicious in every way, and unless she's grinding on me or something I can avoid arousal entirely.

Plus, I spent over half my nights in Dawn's tent, so my lust was physically impeded, as well. If I'd spent too many days in a row being celibate I'd have been torn apart by lust. Instead I was generally pretty spent. Yay! So much more enjoyable to be in control of my thoughts and my eyes, instead of being yanked around by them like I would've been if Dawn wasn't there.

Plus, Dawn is superhot. She's always breathtaking, but when she purties up she becomes ridiculously gorgeous. I typically end up going home with the most desirable girl at the event - it amazes me. I've found a superhot girl that isn't into herself. Joey was, too - she's a bit more into being catered to because of her looks than Dawn is, but she's far from egotistical or stuck up. I've actually had quite a string of superhot girls who aren't stuck on themselves. Gaelen, Mary, Amanda (though she's got more image-consciousness than she admits).

Even better than Dawn's looks & body, though, is the stuff that matters - her heart and spirit and mind. We connect easily and completely, and we can share things with remarkably little concern. Through delightful coincidence we've matured into 2 beings who fit together like we were milled to do so.

Back to Burning Man. :)

Dutch and Sara and I did a show. We did 2, actually. First there were some fire-spinners / acrobats, and they didn't mind if we jumped up and stunted on their stage. We got a few ideas and jumped up - me & Dutch & Sara. I'd forgotten that she's not a performer. She stood around a lot, and talked a lot with us about what to do and not do - breaking character a bunch. I grew up around a stage and I forget that those who didn't have a hard time remembering that you perform at *all times*. But overall that show was pretty cool.

The 2nd time we were recruited by a really talented flier whose name I can't recall. She knew Zac, though, from Boston, and she flew really well. She was very confident about flying either mid- or high-flier for a 3-high. Even though I'm a more experienced (aka solid) base than Dutch, I'd rather spot a really risky stunt than base it, so I put Dutch on bottom and Shanni on top.

Shanni! :) More about her later.

That 3-high was the scariest stunt I've ever spotted. First the mid-base girl ran through a spin-up mount, where Shanni stood on my shoulders facing the mid-base girl, and then jumped (with a pop from me) and spun up onto the mid-base's shoulders. Well, it didn't work out that way. Shanni made it 3/4 up, then climbed laboriously the rest of the way. The mid-base girl had to *squat* to stay up, and poor Dutch found himself holding the most wobbly and unstable 3-high I've ever dared to imagine. He was hunched forward, trying desperately to cling to the last vestiges of stability. He called "Down!" a few times, but they couldn't hear him and honestly, it was safer to go up than down at that point. Shanni was *really* high. They finally got it despite Dutch's protests, and bless Dutch's heart, he held it. It demonstrated just how wimpy our fliers are - not one of my students (other than Alysia, who's now gone) would have held that trick. But the two girls flying it held it and tightened it. I want-want-want that in my fliers!

Anyway, the mid-base girl whose name I forget invited us to do ambient stunting for their Battle of the Bands at Center Camp. We were thrilled to comply, and me & Dutch & Sara planned out our tricks.

This was soon after Sara blew me off to stop Nick's art-car and ask for Dawn, though, plus Sara had been complaining all day about not getting whatever she wanted, quickly enough. The Zoobombers have a saying, "Do it better!" Sara uses this saying anytime she doesn't get what she wants, to mean, "Anticipate and do what Sara wants!" It bugs me mightily. Anyway, I told Dutch that my cope-with-Sara ability was all used up, so that he could help me detach rather than conflict with her. But she got in my face about something and I snapped at her about interfering in my personal life with Dawn, and she sulked, and it was a bad scene prior to the first performance. But to our credit we did well, and kicked out some sweet stuntery for Round 1. :) Yay!

Right away in Round 2, though, a bad thing happened. Sara & Dutch threw a Star, but it went bad and Sara dropped straight out of it, tweaking her neck pretty badly. :( I was mortified - I'd just spatted with her and now she was injured. I felt horrible. Then I was pissy at Dutch for having to stick with his girlfriend instead of coming back to the show and finishing it out. We ended up not doing anything else for lack of Dutch in the 2nd Round. :( Sara was hurting badly for at least an hour and I was emotionally exhausted in addition to physically spent.

Shanni. We met her in Center Camp while stunting and she asked if we'd base her in a low Hand-to-Hand. She flew okay - she'd obviously done it but she wasn't spot-on. I showed her a bunch of new stuff, too, of course - Angel, Arabesque, etc. She'd done many of them. She asked if we could do an Angel Full-down, and seemed suspicious when I readily assented. She explained it a few times, and we practiced the pop a few times, and then we were ready. I was confident; I've thrown them even though it's been 20+ years. Plus, I do Angelbesques with tons of fliers, and it's the same pop. We threw it, and it went perfectly. As I cradled her, her eyes and mouth shot open in the most adorable "O"s of surprise, and she gushed with excitement about how clean and smooth it felt. I think that's when she fell in love with me & Dutch. :) And we happily reciprocated, of course. She's super-tight, eager, brave, and she doesn't make the same mistake twice. She also lands like a cat - but not unless the base and spotters fail to catch her. If they do, she stays stiff and tight like a flier should. I haven't stunted with a partner as tight & skilled as Shanni for many years. I want her for my own!

She was super-excited to work with experienced, safe bases. She trained herself, which is amazing 'cause she's really good. She does Aerial. She's got a gig in B.C. for a month or two, and then she's looking for a new home base, hopefully on the west coast. Dutch and I tried our very hardest to sell her on Portland. If she moves out here she's a shoe-in for a Kazum flier, and she can probably increase our fliers' skills dramatically. Yay!

After the Battle of the Bands at Center Camp we all set out for another night of fun. I don't recall the specifics of what happened when... it's been too long. :( I spent a lot of wonderful time with Dawn, though, over the course of Thursday through Saturday. We mostly avoided Nick, but a few times we were together around Triceratops while he was there.

I got to hang out with Feather a bunch, too. She was my glom-buddy for one of the nights - a date that I didn't kiss on or be flirty/romantic with. Just a person to be close to. It was wonderful. I'm sure glad I got to spend time with that kid. :)

Burning Man 2010 - Tuesday

On Tuesday there was no dust. The rain had left the air moist, and it was partly cloudy and wonderfully un-hot.

Speaking of hot, the hottest girl in our camp (IMO) was Shauna - here's a random pic of her. Hm, I can't upload it so I'll just link - Shauna
Anyway, I walked out of my tent on Tuesday morning and saw her just standing up from leaving her tent. She was wearing a bikini bottom. She saw me and smiled and waved - it was one of the most breathtaking things I saw during the entire burn. Superhot eye-candy gorgeous mostly naked girl. I was supercharged with energy all day long from that.

We did a bit of stunting in camp, then we did some more stunting at the dance stage just up 4:30 from our camp. It was there that I stunted with an older lady (maybe 60 or so) who came up and asked if I could lift her. She was super-nervous and shaky, and she cautioned me repeatedly to be careful because her legs and ankles and feet were gnarled and twisted from past accidents. I put her through a succession of stunts, ending with a circus mount to shoulder-stand. She was ready to bawl, she was so appreciative. I was ready to bawl, too. I'm so grateful to so often be able to give people the gift of flight.

Next we circled over to Center Camp, where the stunting really took off. We met a bunch of stunters, including a guy I've been hearing about for years now - Lux. He flew some hand-to-hands, and showed us a cool twist-mount. He had Dutch hold him in a low H2H while trying to lie down - pretty sweet.

I also stunted with a blind man. His friend stunted with me first, then led him over to me. I guided him through a flag - at one point he looked a little concerned and informed me, "Um... I can't see." I had to chuckle - it was pretty obvious he was blind, and he must've been super nervous, but he did great. Watching his face as he held a blind Flag was amazing. He was really moved, and again it triggered a powerful appreciation in me that I get to facilitate that kind of emotion.

Thanks, Richard.

That night I went out for my first ramble with Dutch, Sara, Blake, Leah, Jay, Emily, and a few others - we were 8 for the bulk of the evening. Leah had some fun stuff, and it was Blake's first experience with that kind of thing. I was his trip-buddy all night, and we had a wonderful time. I can only remember a few of the things we did that first night, but it was a magical and bonding experience.

We did climb the supercool ball-on-column structure between Center Camp and the Man.

It was superfun; designed to be climbed. I really wanted to mantle up the top few rings and climb the *outside* but I'm not a good enough climber, by a long shot. So we went up the normal, inner route. I climbed around the inside of the top thingy, and then climbed down the ladder headfirst, which was pretty fun. I wanted to climb the outside part upside-down but it was a little too risky.

We moseyed back to camp eventually, around dawn. I got about 2 hours of visual-laced nap and then I was up again to prepare for stuntery. I came to Burning Man for stunting and I wasn't about to sleep through it, sleepy or no.

That first night's magic was amplified by Leah - thank you Leah! Blake and Sara and Dutch were my funbuddies. I love Sara, and I love having fun with her. Jay offered herself as my glom-buddy, and I snuggled and hugged and held her all night. It was superb - I had someone to touch and hold and be close to, without any lust or arousal. Deep gratitude for Jay! And for her boyfriend, who was okay with loaning his girl to be pawed at all night.

I bumped into Dawn as we wandered, on her people's artcar. The deal with Triceratops is tricky. Dawn's ex-husband, Nick, has been very polite to me, which is surprising. I'm New Boyfriend, and they're still divorcing and being wracked by the accompanying turmoil. They often exchange fairly vicious communications, and Dawn occasionally vents to me about Nick stuff. Luckily, I'm twice divorced plus I have years of support experience from recovery groups, and I can listen to the venom without being poisoned by it. Overall, I'm super impressed by Nick - Dawn's issues with him are personal things, not results of him being a bad person. He's displayed far less antipathy toward me than I could ever have hoped for. I have a pretty darn high opinion of the guy.

I also have some pretty good empathy for him. If I was freshly splitting, I wouldn't want New Boyfriend hanging around my people and my space. He's one of the bigwigs on Triceratops, and having New Boyfriend on his art car isn't something he's likely to want. I totally get that, and I respect his space as much as I can. I don't wanna crowd his space nor his people. I see them fairly often when he's not around, and they're wonderfully accepting of me. I don't need to invade his space too much.

Unfortunately, at Burning Man that means that Dawn can either hang out with her people, or with her boyfriend. We spent a surprising amount of time together, but mostly we couldn't simply 'cause she's got her crew and she didn't really want to hang with me and my crew. Now & then she spent a few minutes with us, but the vast bulk of her time was spent with her people (and Nick). It's sad and unfortunate but it sure ain't Nick's fault. If anything I feel sad that she so often prioritizes her friends over me... but it's not at all as if I wish she'd make me a higher priority. It's like if she had kids that I couldn't be around for some reason - I wouldn't resent that at all, even though it would make me sad.

She did finally agree to transfer herself into my care, though. Mostly she was worried about leaving Triceratops, which provided an easy-to-find safe place and ride. But she ventured out with me, Dutch and Sara. I needed to re-find Blake, so I told Sara and Dutch that she was all messed up and asked them to keep an eye on her. Sara snorted at me and walked off - she's all about selfish gratification, especially when she's drunk. Dutch shrugged helplessly - he's all about catering to Sara's childish whims. By the time I got back 15 minutes later they'd totally lost Dawn. I should've known that would happen, and never left, and I was furious with myself for that.

I spent the rest of the night looking for Dawn. I circled the Raver Death Camp (aka the Nexus Pyrosphere) for a few hours, cycling back and forth between the Tower of Babel. I climbed stuff, 'cause it's way easier to be seen on a high place than to see others. But I never did find her. I assumed she'd returned to Triceratops (she had) and she was safe (she was) but I couldn't shake my worry. It was a pretty miserable few hours other than when I occasionally got distracted enough to forget about losing my girl.

I did have fun, though. Climbed on stuff, stunted some, saw lots of neat things. I eventually left with Dutch & Sara. As we crossed the playa I noticed Triceratops coming up somewhat behind us. I made the mistake of mentioning my regret that I couldn't go see if Dawn was on board. Sara set off to stop them and get on board, or at least check for Dawn. I told her not to, because I wanted to stay out of Nick's art-car, and not affect it. She told me that was stupid and walked off. I nearly grabbed her and pulled her back, but I'm not much of a person for physical restraint unless it's seriously important... and Sara's blind interference in my personal life wasn't important enough. I told Dutch I absolutely did not want Nick's art-car stopped on the playa by the drunken friends of his wife's new boyfriend. He shrugged helplessly and followed Sara. I could hear her shouting, "Is Dawn on there!?" as I booked it in the opposite direction. I was hoping to minimize the impact, plus I just didn't want to be around while something that horrified me so was taking place. I've rarely been that furious at Sara.

I followed the art car back toward Triceratops camp, and hurried ahead to be in Dawn's tent when it arrived. Instead it didn't, and I laid there for a few hours until it *did* arrive, after the sun had risen. I was in a terrible place by then. :( I was worried sick about Dawn, plus upset that she consistently chooses to heavily use with her "healthy habits friends" instead of spending time with her "unhealthy habits boyfriend". Not so much upset at her... I think it's good that she's able to choose friends over boyfriend, instead of acting out of obligation. But it's still painful and upsetting, even though I'm glad that she's choosing what she wants rather than what I want. I was also absolutely furious with Sara for infringing on Nick's art car after my vehement protests. Plus I was exhausted and I knew I needed my strength but without resolving where Dawn was I couldn't sleep.

So when Dawn came in she wanted to talk and process and snuggle but I just wanted to make sure she was okay and then go back to my tent and try to crash for a bit. I knew there was no way I could sleep in her camp with all the angst I was going through, and I really didn't want to process at her camp, a few feet from dozens of her friends. Public drama is not something I cope well with, when it's avoidable. She, however, wanted to talk and process and vocalize stuff. I asked her a few times not to, but her need was a lot greater than my requests, so I just froze up and endured as she talked and talked. Almost everything she said impacted me personally, as if she was trying to hurt me. I knew she wasn't, of course, but I simply couldn't process each new "attack" fast enough to avoid the next one. After about an hour I was ready to burst into tears, scream at her, or simply sprint away into the playa and curl up somewhere blessedly alone and without antagonization. I finally convinced her to let me leave, and it was okay that she came with me - we were out walking through BRC, talking about what we were seeing instead of trying to process. That was fine. And that's how Wednesday began. :)

One of the things that Dawn said that really hurt was, "I figured you'd abandoned me so I went back to my friends." It's good to know, but it's painful. I'm terribly overprotective of people I care about, 'specially when they're messed up. When she didn't see me she immediately figured I'd abandoned her, but instead I spent the rest of the night looking for her and agonizing about where she was. How can we be in love if she assumes I'd ditch her so easily... I don't think she knows me very well, nor that she has a very high opinion of me. And a lot of that is my fault - I sell stupid avidly as a habitual part of my interactions, and almost everybody buys it up quickly. Of course she buys what I sell her, even though I don't mean to sell it to her. So that angst was of my own making, and I'm working through it.

Okay, enough about Tuesday. :) I do want to call out that on Saturday I stopped by the Temple for half an hour or so, and had a good cry about all the sadness and other "negative" emotions I'd been stuffing until I could deal with them. It was very healing and healthy, and I didn't take any of the caustic, poisonous stuff with me away from Black Rock City.

Burning Man 2010 - Monday

First we unloaded bikes at The Dump. I was considering staying there 'cause it's centrally located, but Dawn's camp (the Triceratops art car) was much closer to 4:30 & Baghdad (Camp Suckie Fuckaye - not a sex-themed camp) and Dutch & Sara & Doc were all excited to stay there. Plus, Andi & Michael & Chris & Jermany & Blake & Ben & lots of others were there.

We drove from the Dump, around a bit to Suckie Fuckaye. I did handstands on top of the bus, which I wouldn't have guessed to be as possible as it was. I also did a few tricks with Sara, and held Doc in a couple of Arm to Arms. Then we rolled into camp and unloaded.

Doc set up a supercamp. He had 4 huge canopies that we put under the existing shade fabric, leaving us deliciously shaded. It took a long time to set up, but it was worth it - our camp was one of the most comfortable I saw at BRC.

Our camp had a bunch of fire performers. Many of them are strippers, so our camp was chock-full of high-gravity eye candy. It was pretty cool. Most of them are a little cool and distant toward me, but certainly not unfriendly in any way. Some of the camp was really welcoming and friendly. Overall I felt quite at home, and I wouldn't have camped anywhere else in retrospect. I'm very glad I was at Suckie Fuckaye.

Just as we were finishing up our camp it began to rain. It was one of the most incredible things I saw there - dozens of uber-prepared people who'd covered every base but this one, staring at the rain in dusty, stunned amazement with a "WTF!?" look. Some people got pretty damped up, but most of us had minimal impact from the rain.

It dried out pretty quickly, but the first night was still muddy and repressed, which was fine by me. I stopped by Dawn's camp briefly and saw her, and then I felt like I was finally settled and present and ready for my burn. I wandered a bit, and ended up at Dawn's camp with her. I got a pretty good night of sleep by my baby's side - it was an excellent first day and night.

SCI at Hornings - Sunday

On Sunday I was pretty tired. I moped about Dawn's camp for a bit until Jade of Lucent Dossier pressed a bunch of us into service for the 4th Annual Underwear Invitational. We set out in our skivvies with a disco ball (Jade's) and whiskey (Justin's) and a lightsaber (mine). Dawn came with us in sexy underwear, and Hannah came in sexy clothes that were nearly underwear. Chalan came, too, and he really brought the sexy with his slouch-walk and baggy boxers. Ron even put on some undies and accompanied us. There were more folk; we were quite a group. Loud, we were.

We descended upon folks who smiled, or wore bright costumes, or simply failed to flee quickly enough. Jade would hold the disco ball up and begin to disco-dance around the victim as we all chanted "Disco-disco, disc-o!" and bumped & ground our disco sexiness. Then we'd switch to "Uhn! Uhn! UnderWEAR!" and crescendo. People loved it. I saw it as helping to boost ambient weirdness. It took us about 2 hours to tour the entire festival, including a stop for me to go swimming. Super fun.

Lisa Hahn was at Dawn's camp and I spent an hour or so talking with her. She wants to give us some pointers on basket-tosses, and hopefully performance stuff as well. She's super-professional - Lucent Dossier is amazing and she choreographs their stuff. I hope she can come to practice tomorrow!

I joined Dawn's crew for the final Cheese show, and bumped into Dutch and Sara who were sitting literally 4 feet from them without realizing it. Awesome! The show was great, but I mostly enjoyed watching the crowd. Blissed-out people are way fun to watch.

Dawn's ex-hubby Nick is dating Creedence. Weird. It was great to see her, though Nick seemed unthrilled that I was pals with his girl.

Dutch & Sara left right after the concert. Dawn & I hung out for a while with various friends, and did a few stunts. On a boring T-Rolldown, her hip went out with a click. :( Ouch. She's been hobbling since then. Lame - she always seems to get injured just as she's trying to head home.

We gave Dawn's friend Rosie a ride back into town. I was mostly comatose - I was exhausted and out of it. I tried to help Dawn a bit when we got home but mostly I just crashed like a log.

Dawn and I did amazingly well together. We've done really well at all of the parties and festivals we've attended. It's pretty cool. Neither of us really thought we'd make it this far but things just keep working out. I hope we can continue to shine like this. We're really good together, and really good for one another.

I hope to find amazing pictures and maybe even video to post. It was a spectacular event! I love doing what I do, and I love my friends, and I love Kazum. How can this summer possibly be even more magical than last summer?...

Mental Meanderings

Nothing to really document, just looking for a place to vomit up what's on my mind lately.

First of all, Holy Diver (DIO) and Play With Me (Extreme). These two songs provide the bulk of my ambition to learn to play an electric guitar. I've blistered my fingers on GH and RB, and I think that the transition to actual lead isn't gonna be too tramatic for me. Plus I've got a son who's obligated to assist. All I need is sufficient stability to justify putting $100 or so into an electric guitar and amp. Meaning, knowing where I'll live for long enough to feel like I can set up fancy guitar stuff.

My plans for stability involve converting Creature's attic into my room. Mostly it's the upper window - when I first saw the house it called to me powerfully. "Live HERE!" it said. That's way better than "Death awaits within" or "Run now", which are two of the more common haunted-house messages. Anyway, Creature's offered to let me install the Alice In Wonderland door (the White Rabbit's escape route) in the ceiling above the stairtop. Then there'd be the equivalent of a pullup bar in the opening, requiring the hopeful entrant to pike and kip up into the room itself, unless a suitably trained acrobat happens to be nearby to lift and assist. The only drawback I can see is that it'd be tough to show my room to my mom (who is short and stout) and if I ever take an injury (like the spinal vertebrae slips I'm prone to) I can't get into my room.

I got chewed out by Doc, Alysia, and Doc's good friend Ursula, for voicing my concerns about Doc & Alysia's dating. Doc (bless his heart) asked me to meet with him to discuss it. I like that - he took the bull by the horns. I totally respect that, and it was a good meeting and I think we're pretty much squared away as long as I stop sharing my opinions & concerns. That's cool; I gave back some of the crap that *I* took when I was dating a teenager last year. I also got to express to both Doc & Alysia why I (and others) are concerned. That's about as much as one can hope for in these situations, so I feel well served. Ursula was pretty hostile, but I think we resolved that via private messaging, so overall I'm delighted with how things turned out. They'd prefer I'd remained silent like the bulk of those who have concerns... but I think that actually *hearing* the concerns is good for 'em, so I'm happy.

Things with Dawn are spectacular. Except that Dutch (whose sense of dudeaic chivalry is grossly underdeveloped) is now introducing Dawn as my girlfriend. That makes me goad her to hook up at LIB (I offered her Alex, and he's a sweet gift) so that I don't feel compulsed to hook up, myself. I just don't wanna see our relationship spiral into "you're not making me happy" which is what the last few relationships I've had have spiraled into. I blame my lifestyle, though of course that's partially a coward's way out - I *could* be a good boyfriend *and* a circus acrobat. I just *don't* seem to do both, very well. Maybe it's the girl - but I think the bulk of the responsibility lies on my shoulders.

Uli was surprised recently when I beat her to the punch in explaining that my Funseeking is just a new version of my old escapes from emotional negativity. She mentioned that often I already know what the issues are 'cause I'm pretty self-aware. It was really validating to hear that - I'm used to recovery spaces where people praise that acquired skill heavily. In the Real World it's often assumed to be nonexistent. I miss places where I wasn't Selling Stupid quite so often, and I get to exercise the part of me that not many people get to see. The smart part. In the circus circuit I sell Stupid way too frequently and it's become a crutch for me. It's just so much easier this way, though.

No LIB for me. That's mostly okay. I can't afford it, and I always feel sad and disappointed when I trade off Boyweekends for Fun. Amanda is a no-go... she is the most screened lover I've ever had, I think. That's fine, but it makes me feel a little sad & used. She doesn't mind being my date when things are secret or safe, but I'm a back-burner kind of guy to her and I've got enough self-esteem/ego to not enjoy that. Mostly I just yearn to hang out with Alex. He homesteaded quite a few acres of my heart and I miss him desperately. Zac, too... those guys are my guy lifemates but both of 'em headed off for distant ports.

I miss Jem, too. I keep almost going over there but then I have other obligations that intervene. I also feel like there's some underlying hostility. It seems to have matured during the Joey breakup but I think there's more to it than that. I love Jem but I have a hard time being around folks who are upset with me. Part of it is selfless - I don't like being a negative influence, at all. But a bigger part is selfish - I dislike being around people who are upset/concerned with me. And Jem has issues (very valid issues) about my lifestyle, my hypocrisy, and my selfishness. It's not so much that I wanna dodge that... it's more that I'm aware of the issues and I feel mostly helpless to affect 'em. And trying can have catastrophic results. Funseeking works way better than any of my other band-aids. I fear mucking with it.

I sure do love my job. Within a class or two I become the favorite Coach of my students. Parents love me. And I thrive on teaching kids to learn. The gymnastics stuff is fun, for sure... but mostly what I like is building young minds. Each time I praise a kid, they glow, and I love it. Instead of moving data around for some corporation to make more money, I'm building youths into adults. I never thought I could do that safely but finally at long last I have confidence in my ability to do so. I much prefer kids and parents to a cubicle and Excel.

I kinda wish my body would hurry up and break down. I've had a helluva run in the circus acrobat gig and I'm satisfied. I don't believe that I can uphold my actual moral convictions in this lifestyle, and I sure do miss the peace and serenity and reverence that accompany a *good* lifestyle. I'm really enjoying the "don't hurt others while seeking self-gratification" kind of life. It's so odd to me that so very many people embrace it as the ultimate morality... I'm continually boggling. But it's where I've finally accepted being, and it's got everything other than true happiness, so what am I complaining for, eh?

I've met so many wonderful people and I wish I were providing an example of what I believe in. I'm a good enough guy and I suppose I should be happy that's recognized... but compared to the *real* good people I'm a shameful farce, and it amazes me how little is required to earn a "good guy" label in the society in which I'm immersed. The Robert Parks and Jerry Christiansens of the world are truly rare. I'm deeply grateful to have had so many astoundingly *good* people in my childhood. And, of course, leading that list is my mama-san. She's coming to visit soon and I'm really excited! :)

I'm gonna go look up chords for Holy Diver now (it's been alternating with Play With Me, which is a bit much to bite off as an Intro To Lead project).

Crazy fun weekend

On Friday Kazum had two shows.

The first was from 6 to 7 for New Avenues for Youth. It was a fundraiser or benefit or something. Lots of ritzy folk in nice clothes. There were a few kids - two brightly glowing girls of about 8 and 11 watched us with huge eyes and much clapping. They made that gig for me - it's hard to entertain to the level that these kids were obviously feeling. I pulled 'em up and stunted with 'em, and they got our autographs, and we took a group photo with 'em. If I was reading things right, we were the high point of these girls' year 2010. What an amazing experience and honor.

We ran through very nearly every stunt we do in that hour. It was awesome. Those folks got quite a bit of bang for their buck - 7 acrobats throwing an hour's worth of crazy stuntery. Yay!

Then we scampered to the Bossanova - oh how I love that venue. It was Wanderlust's Wild Woman - the first of 4 monthly installments. Jem was there - yay! :) So were several of my students. Jessica the stunt addict, Kendra and Caitlyn whom I've had a crush on for weeks, Gregory the super-in-shape climber from my adult tumbling class. Just before the show started I saw Joey walk in and sit down by Jem. It was odd - but I was happy to see her there. I kinda hoped that maybe she was less - distant-if-not-hostile. After the show I said hi and told her I was glad she'd come. She was ice-cold and monosyllabic and I backed off in confusion and just kind of avoided interacting with her the rest of the night. She was warm & friendly to everyone, but didn't look at me or acknowledge my existence again the rest of the night. It's odd to be treated that way - but understandable and certainly acceptable. Just kinda surreal and ... odd.

We did our own makeup, and Alysia really came through with some TMNT-style eyemask-looking makeup. And then we were on.

The first bungle was my shoulderstand on Dutch's feet. We barely held it and I was off on timing 'cause I was pretty sure I was about to have to shoulder-roll out of a drop.

Next, I missed a throw-to-stand with Miranda. I'm almost sure it was my fault. We *never* miss those - except twice now in shows. *sigh* We hurried it back up there and threw the full-down from half-mast. :( Still cool. But after an obvious drop.

I followed this bungle with a failed calf-pop on Dutch. A *calf-pop*. Halfway up I decided it was good enough to go to foot instead of knee, per our usual MO. It wasn't; I bailed right in an obvious fail. I hopped right back up and pulled a wobbly Chinese Star (aka Diamondhead) up. HUGE crowd reaction. They nearly blew me over. That's when I realized that this crowd was super-enthusiastic.

The last drop wasn't me, at least. Doc was having a hell of a tough night with muscle fatigue. He and Dutch couldn't manage the arm-to-arm, and thought we got a good calf-pop, he put all he had into that and we didn't have time to extend. Probably for the best; we would've had slim odds of holding it.

Other than the drops, the routine was awesome. It could've been a *superb* performance. Instead it was only good with occasional flubs. I think we all felt good overall, though.

Lions came quick; we had to slap-dash the final makeup on. Then Miranda & James were late so Noah & Uli and I had to kinda vamp for a while. Once we got going, though, it felt like Lions was energetic and wild. Two people have given high props to Miranda's leoninity. She was rockin' it out there.

It all hit, felt sharp, and felt in character. A good-to-great Lion performance, for sure.

Final bows was a Big Sexy, with Clover. We rocked it and the crowd roared. Yay!

Then it was time to circulate and mingle. A girl I dated last week was there, so she became my date for the rest of the evening. It was wonderful... she didn't mind at all that I'm social butterfly boy with a billion little sisters.

As the afterparty plans gelled it became apparent that Joey was coming to Wackolicious. Same situation - odd and awkward with the stone-cold silence, but probably only for me and I can cope, so good for Joey for staying integrated with my entire world without requiring a tie through me to do it. She seemed to have much fun, and she's awesome friendly to everyone who ain't cheated on her recently, so my bit of awkwardness can be dealt with.

Still, it was tough. I didn't want to not be on a date in order to avoid making out in front of my old girlfriend. And I didn't want to not stunt, or not bounce about, or not talk with people she's talking with. I really don't think she wants me to drop out of my own scene on her account... she isn't like that. I think we're both able to deal with the awkwardness, and everyone else can follow our lead just fine.

So, I bounced from loved one to loved one. I asked Creature at one point if he was making good decisions and he gave me a baffled, "I don't know!" It turns out he had Noah's thumbs-up, though, and it was all good.

Jess and Brandy were hilarious. They get aggro, a bit - I saw Jess punch Brandy in the chest. When I laughed, Jess looked at me and roared, "What, yeah, I punched her boob!" Cracked me up. They both ended up a little too tipsy to drive, and they bumped into Noah. When he heard their plaintive cries of, "We need someone to take us home," he gallantly shushed them - two gorgeous drunken acrobats desperately in need of a ride somewhere. I assigned Bre the job of driving them home, and gave her permission to do with them as she would.

I stunted with Brittany but only briefly. :( Anna and I stunted bunches, and I stunted with Caitlyn a lot as well. Dutch stunted with Joey, which warmed my heart. I don't want her to feel left out or upstaged or challenged or anything.

It was a wild, crazy, fun night. :)

Then we started winding things up. My date talked me into coming home with her even though it was way too late and I had to work at 8:45 in the morning. Then I discovered that she was giving Jem and Joey a ride out to Jem's in Beaverton.

It was so surreal having my injured ex-girlfriend be my virtual chaperone right up to the door of my 2nd date since our breakup. It should've felt downright stalkerish. It didn't; I trust Joey very much not to be freaky. Plus, she's still cold sober and a pretty different Joey than I knew and loved. I think its awesome.

Just *so* weird to have an estranged ex-GF in such close proximity at a very Scott event, up to the ride home with my date.

I got up early and my ladyfriend gave me a ride to the gym in plenty of time for class. At noon-thirty Creature & Noah & Uli picked me up for our afternoon gig - the Ladies' Red Hat Society pre-Cirque show. It was a smashing success: they loved All About Love, as well as Russ & Sugar Cane. Brittany got a standing ovation - very very cool.

Uli and I each took a third of the proceeds, and put the other third into the fund. Way cool to have enough money to get food and make a payment on my student loans.

We all hung out for a while, then I went on a 3rd date with the mystery girl. I'm hoping to keep her identity quiet 'cause lots of my people know her and I don't wanna be the center of a soap-opera kind of situation. I just want to go on dates with girls and not try to be caught up in a relationship. Not right now. Who knows where I'll be living next month. I can't afford Creature's rent without working for rent - even if I had a big room and running water, it's too much and I can find much cheaper for the same space. Anyway - I wouldn't wish me on any girl right now as a boyfriend.

Sunday was mostly chill and lazy. Went to the park for a picnic - very fun. Went to a healing meeting with various hippy/green/goddess ladies. It was awesome. Got some essential oils.

Then I headed into Circus Stunting class with Clover. I went over to her place afterward and hung out with her and Caitlyn. We watched the first episode of Firefly - excellent. :)

Today was mad stuntery. My adult gym class was awesome, and Doc & Jess & Alysia stayed after for about 3 hours. We stunted like mad, and did gymnastics and took pictures and video. Superfun! :)

Now I'm at home. Tomorrow I'm gonna do the last bits of work around the house for rent, and then the work's dried up. :(

I sure love my life, though. It's amazing and I want to wallow in it while it's lasting.

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - Meeting the Statues

When breakfast started happening we stumbled out and got ready for the day. After a shower I always feel super-better. There was markedly little stunting - a lot of people drank a lot the night before. I didn't; booze is delightfully more and more not my thing. I'm very glad of that.

So, amid the groans, I felt pretty darn good. Also, my wonderful Amanda returned to hang out with all of us. Everyone seemed to like her - though I suppose I only saw her meet and talk with a few folks. I'm lousy at judging other people's interactions, anyway, unless I'm watching closely.

There's always been kind of a rule - if you're dating someone then you can vouch for 'em to be part of the Circus family. At least, if you're placed high enough on the food chain. It really helps if they're helper-people, like Clover. Or if they're super-cute, like Clover.

We all kicked about until finally loading up our gear and bodies into the bus, which was an oven. It turns out that Amanda drives a sexy black Jaguar. I can't figure out what the hell this girl sees in me, honestly. I'm not arm-candy, my haircut was given by Uli in the parking lot on Saturday morning, I'm flat broke, and I can't dance. Seems like a California hottie driving a Jaguar would drive right past, right? Maybe I'm a ticket to the Circus, or like Dutch says, maybe I'm just that good in bed.

My opinion is that I talk to her like she's not a supermodel - she always blinks when I call her on shit, like she's not used to it. But she responds well to it - a super-attractive trait for me. I've lately dated a lot of girls who aren't at all interested in hearing a damn thing about my insights into what I would describe as their flaws. Few people are - another weird thing about this new culture. I used to spend the bulk of my time interacting with people who were earnestly seeking out their own flaws and striving for self-improvement. But in the big ol' world it's really rare to find anyone interested in another person's criticisms. And why would anyone be? The big ol' world is full of people whose insight is all chock full of ... what do the AA folks call it? Stinkin' thinkin'. Heh.

So, maybe Amanda likes being dealt with beyond her hotness. She seemed to, up in Portland. Or maybe I'm a nice guy and she responds to that. Or maybe we have lots of fun together and she digs the funseeking stuff. Or maybe I'm sexier than I realize. Girls tell me with straight faces that I'm handsome. Amanda did see me a lot in makeup and costume, and people are way, way sexier in makeup and costume.

Doesn't matter. She really digs me and I am glad. The sexy stuff is bonus. Was bonus. Might be bonus again. We might bump into one another again. My fingers are crossed. She's a pretty amazing girl.

So this amazing girl drives me in her hot sports-car to American Steel where the statues hang out. She brought snacks and wine - she doesn't drink. Supercool date.

I suited up in green coveralls and gloves 'cause I fell for the prank that I had to do so. I looked like a big green frog up there, and it was beastly hot. Nobody else who climbed on it had to suit up. It was probably Creature who made me dress up, that bastard.

I shimmied up the statue and tried out the things I'd been so eager to try out. Just positions and locations and relative distances. Trying to get ideas for what we can do on this fella. He's crouchy - there's a picture somewhere I know it.

He's all coated with thick cable that's got wires sticking out. They're sharp and strong and there's no easy way for us to crawl around on the statues. The crew who maintains them can buff them somewhat, but mostly we'll have to build some platforms.

His head is strong - I stood on it. I would love to see Brittany handbalancing up there, or one of us doing a handstand off it to a cradle below. I also wanna do some leaps down to thick padding. But mostly we'll using the platform on the shoulders, and jumping off (and maybe on).

After our exhausting 10-minute exploration of the statue we needed some rest, so we retired to the sunshine out back to stunt. There's a FaceBook picture from that time, yay! I'm holding Amanda, with my gut bulging out. Dutch claims I've a six-pack, but I've yet to see it. Brittanie is in the back, with Jay & Dutch & Tiari to the side.

Russ shared some excellent whiskey and coke, and I felt nicely buzzed for the rest of the evening. Thank you Russell!

Then we split up a bit. Tiari and Brittanie came in Amanda's car with us, and we went shopping. *cringe* I shoulda realized that taking off with 3 girls would mean shopping. It was fun hanging around with them between shopping sprees. :)

We met up with Dutch, Creature, Clover and Andy and hung out on Haight & Ashbury. That was pretty fun, but nothing exceptionally fun happened, really. Just lots of great company and chatting.

We rejoined the bus and waited as folks trickled back from wandering about. I got to make out with Amanda for a few delicious moments. I do like that girl. And she's super-responsive.

Creature decided to change his pants directly in front of Clover's car. She wasn't about to let that opportunity slip past, so she flicked on her lights to spotlight him. A minor funny moment, but memorable nonetheless.

Then it was time to bid adieu to my dream-date. Amanda had to take off. I hope to see her again, but part of her magical charm is that she's temporary. I think she'd be serious trouble if she were nearby.

We piled on the bus and headed out. A friend of Creature's had offered to give us a big meal and party, and we indulged in both. It was a great place, and some of our hosts friends came to party, too. They drank a lot (as did we) and some of them got kinda surly (as we did not). I missed most of that, thank heavens. I was chatting with various people all about, and drinking a bit.

At around midnight the bus loaded everyone up except me, Clover, Andy and Brittanie. We were the occupants of Susie-Q for the ride home. Brittanie and I crashed in a bed, and then a hide-a-bed a little later. We slept like the dead, waking at 4:00 to roll out for Portland.

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - The Afterparty

I was bummed about Amanda leaving, but I was heady from the rush of being a circus acrobat and then dancing a bunch with a hottie. More importantly, I was with people I care for and trust. My circus family. Clover & Andy were staying at a different place again, sadly. But the rest of us were there, though a few folks crashed early.

A bunch of folk were drinking, including the fulla-fun AWOL girls (excluding Alysia, who doesn't drink or do anything bad except occasionally kiss a boy or perhaps think a swear-word now & then.) Miranda was all stunt-happy, but a little too inebriated for her body to cash the checks her mouth was writin'. Brittany jumped up, though, and did the afore-mentioned Butterfly wall-walk. So did Miranda. I think. I was pretty sleepy and wiped out by then. I'm reasonably sure that Doc and I did an extension, and I might've flown a shortlived angel on Dutch. But that mighta been in the AM.

I posted on FaceBook a time or two, at some point. I wish we had more pictures to help record the memories. :( One more reason to miss Joey. That trip would've been at least as wonderful with Joey. Unless she was drinking. Then it woulda probably been nightmarish. I gotta quit playing the "What if I hadn't" and the "What if she'd quit prior" game. It's been tearing at me enough lately, I think.

We did some stunting that's starting to trickle onto FaceBook. :) We built a 3-dog-stack with Dutch on top. Russ and I double-based Dutch. I extended Doc.

Temple realized that I'd love to utilize his rigging, so he began setting up for some harness-supported stunting. Superyay! But it didn't ever flower to fruition, sadly. Miranda was the gung-ho flier but she wasn't feeling very well by then. So things began to slowly wind down, with several of the single fellas congregating around the girls present. I just wanted to crash, so I followed the A-WOL party duo into the dark, relatively quiet bedroom, where they were giggling drunkenly. I just sat back and chuckled along with them for quite a while - that's when I was chastised for writing such long updates to FB. For some reason they found it HIlarious that I made a bowl of food to eat before I retired for bed. They were a riot.

As I ducked into the bedroom with the two giggling drunk aerialist girls I got one thumbs-up and one lecherous grin from two of the single guys. I wanted to try to address that but instead I just told the girls and we laughed about it. Nobody actually said anything about it at all, except Dutch, bless his heart for crediting me with that kinda potential. He thinks I'm sexier than I am, IMO. I may think the same of him, I dunno, but I've seen him jumped on by way more cuteys than I've been jumped on by.

Eventually the ladies went to sleep, and so did Miranda & Brittanie, followed shortly thereafter by me. Yay for sleep at last!

Brittanie is one of the volunteers for various Wanderlust shows. Miranda forbid me from hitting on her 'cause Cookie wanted exclusive rights. *snort* I agreed, though. Which was good, 'cause Brittanie digs me tons as a friend but has no interest in me as a guy. Up until this point I just knew her as Wanderlust Hottie Who May Be Dating Someone. (She wasn't; that's just an easily mistaken impression amongst our crew.)

Anyway, at this point I barely knew Brittanie. She was "Miranda's date" more or less.

So, we slept for a few hours. Like 4 or 6 - some nice biggish number. It was hot in there, with 5 people in a small room.

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - Day of the Show

I got up and helped Ben the supercook make superbreakfast. Dutch helped a bit, too, more or less offsetting the bacon he kept snitching. Miranda did dishes, as did Noah. Dunno why I feel like calling out props, but it's important that helping hands are noticed and appreciated.

We stunted around and relaxed and showered and got ready for a show. Then we piled back into the Wanderbus and Susie-Q, and drove across the Bay Bridge. Breathtaking. I was trying to paint my nails black & white, and the view kept drying stuff up. My rough paintjob now reminds me of San Francisco's Bay Bridge. Aw.

The venue was freakin' sweet. The stage was *almost* adequate, but Creature did his magic and up went an extension. Then it was simply a little too shallow, but we more or less coped. But headspace we had, and good visibility to the crowd. Plus, the green room was on a balcony behind the stage, over a cool arched bridge that *screamed* out for handstands. It got 'em, too. I saw to that bridge.

The aerialists had 4 different mounts, including a pulley that the local circus crew used (with Dutch's ballast) to raise and lower Brandy and Jess during their routine. It was super-cool.

Brandy and Jess
These girls get a big shout out. They're supercool. I think that they finally got comfortable that the Kazum guys weren't trying to get in their pants like the rest of the male and pro-lady female population of the planet.

That's good; it gives us an edge. ;)

But we're not *aggressively* trying to bed them, so they relaxed and hung out. Stunting, joking, bickering, taunting the spamminess of... all kinds of stuff. Man, if those two ever saw this blog they'd flip out. A single paragraph of internet was too much. This old-school text-based communication thing is just way too wordy... and that's pre-Scott. Once I get done with it it hardly resembles words at all. Just big chunky blocks of nearly-random text.

So, Brandy is 5-ninish until she gets into the air and then her legs grow longer. She's amazing to watch. I consciously didn't, in fact. I don't like ogling. Jess I can watch; she's a little sister, I think. Brandy's just too fun to watch, for me.

I *love* watching people watching a show, by the way. Crowd watching is a riot. And when Brandy does her thing, the crowd's eyes and expressions are delightful to behold. Jess is gorgeous up there. The two of them are amazing together. The applause after their silk routine was thunderous. They, more than anyone, sold Wanderlust to S.F.

And then they danced like crazy. :)

But I'm jumping way ahead. First there was stretching and blocking the routine and rigging and hanging out for 5 or 6 hours until showtime. It was way fun. My shirt was discovered to be undiscoverable, so Alysia donned her Superhero Seamstress hat and built me a shirt from scraps. It was wonderful.

I went for a walk to explore S.F. but I got distracted by a marching band. M4 rolled up and I chatted with them as they disembarked.

Then things got loud. Sound check, talking, stretching s'more. M4 rolled out after an hour or two; they had another tiny gig and supper before the big show after ours. Here's a shot of that scene.

My focus up to then was on circus stuff, mostly - making sure we were moving along and good to go. And then Amanda arrived.

Amanda
She featured in a previous blog post. She's amazing, and when she gets fancied up she's one of the hottest little critters I've ever seen. She was my date for the show, which spins off into a whole guilt thing...

Dutch is very right that I don't deserve a dream date with a sexy girl just a week and a half from cheating on my girlfriend. He proscribed an arbitrary 2 weeks. I think that's kinda silly; 2 weeks isn't gonna atone for anything. But it is an actual cost, and a consequence, and something I shouldn't dodge. So I agree with him.

And then there's Amanda. *sigh*

I'd love to claim that I nobly refrained, but that isn't so. Instead, I got a super date that went home without me at the end for other reasons that had nothing to do with me or my recent bastardliness. So, in all the most important ways, things worked out really well.

Kazum did a full run-through that was not only choppy, but peppered with drops. Not terrifying... but still scary. Despite that, I think we all felt ready for the show. We were the first act.

It was choppy. Not terribly so... and we're all really good at pulling choppiness together. I love all of us so much! I saw James & Doc drop some stuff that had to hurt. The Ass Catch was at 95% power plus adrenaline, and I nearly ran out of stage to catch it in. But we got it. The extension stuck up there like a porn star, and the Triple Base cradled despite my fear that it was a goner. Somehow the Candelabra looked more or less complete, though it *felt* like it was holding together by fingernails, prayers and mantras. Adrenaline beat exhaustion, but heat exhaustion was a serious contender for the evening's competitions. I staggered offstage, forgetting that I was supposed to lift Jess up to Brandy, beelining for the back room that was delightfully chilly. I was actually starting to grey out a bit - so hot under spotlights doing high-intensity stunting with too many pounds of leftover computer nerd on me. Dutch felt every steak & cheeseburger he's eaten for a week, I'm sure. We're big fellas, we are.

I mingled a bit prior to Lions. I had a breathtaking date down there. I liked watching her dance from the balcony, but I also liked her dancing around me and beside me. There were many people to see, though, and stunts to be thrown.

Lulu was there! I love seeing her. But it's always at some crazy event, and I always have someone who's there with me. I'd love to try to kiss that girl at some point. I don't usually; most girls have to make a pass at me before I trust that they're interested. But I feel brave enough to take a chance with Lulu. Yum.

There was stunting in the smoking lounge, in back. There was much laughter and talk and hugging of good friends. It was a crazy fun party.

Lions went well. We were putting our hearts into being leonine. But the crowd couldn't really see us very well; the stage was a little bit too low to showcase Lions well. It felt like it went well, though - we got mad cheers for the final agonizing portion of the triple crab twist. I'm glad; that 3 seconds is always the most painful of any show. I think I flipped rather than handspringing 'cause the stage felt crowded, but that's fine.

The Kazum guys were ogled like we were made of chocolate. I wouldn't have believed it but I saw the girls looking at Doc & Dutch, so I suppose they were looking at me as well. It was scary. I was glad that I had a date. I felt that way once at the Roller Derby girls' party, too.

I had the most amazing night, and Amanda was often at my side. We danced a lot, and I've never danced before, really. It was more grinding than dancing, I think, but it was dancelike. I danced with Creature, and with Creature & Amanda, and it was pretty magical. I wasn't on drugs or anything. But I don't think I could've danced with anyone other than those particular two. Serendipity.

The crowd cleared out, and finally so did Amanda. *sigh* We all returned to Temple's place for The Afterparty.

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - The Backstory

Three weeks ago Kazum returned from the Moisture Festival and realized that we had to choreograph a whole new routine for the San Francisco trip. That's really where last weekend began.

An unlikely duo stepped up to the plate due to Uli's school activity coupled with both of our fliers' superbusy dating life. It's tough being a dazzling, costumed acrobat girl. So many parties to attend. ;) No, really, they both work a lot and Uli's school schedule has been crushing her.

Dutch and I agreed to spearhead the new routine, which James eventually christened the "Death Blossom" in honor of a way cool weapon name from the Last Starfighter. If you don't know that show, please remove yourself from my FaceBook friends-list. We basically took one of our toughest routines "Planet Claire" with me & Dutch & the girls, and hacked it down a bit. Then we added a 5th person and our other hardest number - "Birthday". But we really needed to Doctor it up a bit so we threw in some Adagio and other Doc-friendly tricks, culminating in a big 6-person Candelabra.

Dutch and I paid lip-service to how freaking difficult and exhausting this routine would be. But we've both got enough machismo to gloat on the inside. We paid for that arrogance in sweat - both our own and others'. Doc looked like he had been white-water rafting at the end of the set on Saturday night, and James & the girls weren't so fresh-looking, either. But Dutch and Scott, the Meatloaves of Kazum, really bore the brunt of the exhaustion, I think.

It was sad to choreo Ari outta the routine, but he can't make the performance dates. :(

As we worked on it, Doc and James surreptitiously injected their special magic into the routine. They both kinda went with, "Sit out for the first half of it? I think not." And what they added is spectacular - yet they were careful not to eclipse or steal thunder. Excellent choreography shout-outs to both of the Kazum Ninjas.

Doc & Dutch have been putting in mad extra hours, too. Both of their stunting & spotting have increased remarkably in the last 2 months. Big kudos to them for extra efforts! That's the way to hone your stunt game - work it outside of regularly scheduled practice time.

Forward to last week - we've still not gone through the whole 5.5-minute stuntfest yet. Even blocking it is still rough. Some tricks were still tagged "in progress but hey we'll get it won't we?" Typical Kazum errata; nothing new there. But still pretty scary.

As we so adroitly do, we pulled it together. I had a hard time staying focused due to anguish over Joey and what I did. (Quick summary: I broke up with her by cheating on her.) I was also stressing about covering rent, finding a place to live, working as many extra hours as I could manifest, and not sleeping nearly enough.

But we did it! Death Blossom is a great routine with lots of amazing stuff in it. It rockets into action with an early Basket Toss, and finishes up with dazzling Adagio and a huge angular Candelabra. It's not to musical cues other than the first 8 measures or so, so it can be fit to any music. We're well pleased.

Circus & Relationship let-down blues

So, breaking up with Joey was tough and painful 'cause I deserved it and I hurt her. But then I had lots of busy-ness going on with working for Creature, stunting a ton, and prepping for the San Francisco trip. Facebook is a reminder of the painfulness - pictures of Joey and comments from Joey. But part of my busy-ness included no real online access. So, I was mostly distracted.

Now I'm back into the normal, boring old groove of my life. And now I'm missing Joey a lot, as well as missing the distraction & fun & emotional balm of circus camaraderie.

Despite that, I never quite find myself wishing that Joey and I were still together, somehow. I'm not 100% sure why that is, especially since she stopped drinking and that was one of the biggest challenges I had in our relationship.

I do keep finding myself wishing I'd just broken things off instead of stepping out and betraying the relationship. :( That really eats at me. Dutch and Sara are great at reminding me of that, which I appreciate. I don't want a free pass, or to be distracted instead of hurting. I want to shoulder the consequences of my choice and be impacted by them.

In San Francisco I got lots of snuggling and fun. Amanda came out to see me, and she had clearly designated herself as my arm-candy. Very friendly, dancing with me, always standing next to me - it was wonderful. But Dutch's "No Action for Two Weeks" decree weighed on me. It turns out that Amanda wasn't there to sleep with me, anyway - she was just arm-candy. I'm not gonna claim 100% satisfaction with that... but all things considered I'm really glad it worked out that way. Sex with guilt attached wouldn't have been good. There was enough guilt about just the cuddly stuff & kissy stuff.

It was also nice to be attached. There were a bunch of hungry-eyed ladies at the show, and they were smiling at us Kazum boys like panthers eyeing a couple of plump bunny rabbits. I don't want to experience rock-star style casual hookups with hot babes. It freaks me out. I like people way more than I like flesh, and casual hookups are about flesh way more than they're about people.

Getting to know Jess & Brandy & Brittanie was super fun. Again, there wasn't any romantic pressure there - none of 'em are at all interested in me for whatever reason, so I can relax and just hang out with them. Yay! The AWOL girls were crazy fun. Spending the car ride back with Brittanie was also way fun. She was raised Mormon, and it's tough to see her as a hot girl now. At the same time, she's super attractive to me - I understand Mormon girls, very much, and I really bond well with them. That makes me (mostly) glad that she's too young for me and uninterested in me, to boot.

Lulu was really friendly at the show, as well. She's been friendly in the past, and I always seem to have a relationship or a date at the time. Lame. I'd love to kiss Lulu. Even more, though, I'd love to hang out with her and get to know her. I only ever see her at big festive parties and afterparties.

I also love hanging out with Anna. Again, she's not at all interested in me for whatever reason, and that leaves us free to snuggle and cuddle and hang out without any romantic pressures. :) She's another girl that would be big trouble if she liked me.

Adrienne is another matter. She used to go on at length about how much she wanted to be my lover, but since reconnecting with her after breaking up with Joey, she's not been at all romantically forward. Maybe it's just Dutch's hostile "Two Weeks!" energy. But it's for the best, I think... as Dutch would say, I don't deserve rebound action. And, painfully, I agree with him.

But I've been dating someone or other for the last year or so, and I'm into my 2nd week without any lovin's. It's difficult. And that's okay. If I strive to be honest with myself, that's even excellent. Just tough.

This somehow turned into a "list the girls I'm crushing on" kind of post. Lame.

Back to the circus. :)

I wanna be on the Wanderbus more in the future. The car is great! But it's just got less people to get to know. I did enjoy reciting my entire repertoire of poems while driving through northern California in the early AM. Everyone else was asleep (though Andy caught some of it) which lets me just relax and not be nervous about soliloquizing. I'm oddly shy for someone who's so often spammy and powerfully extroverted.

Playing drinking games with Dutch and Uli and the AWOL ladies was spectacular. I didn't spend much time with my all-time favorite AWOL girl on this trip, sadly - Alysia was usually doing things where I wasn't. :( But she was quite adequately entertained, as was I, and I sure hope that we'll resume our hanging-out patterns now again despite the interference of a certain Kazumite who's started monopolizing her time. :)

I didn't spend much time with Uli or Miranda, either. On Kazum-only tours we get way more time together. I can't wait for more of that. I love those girls very much.

Brittany Walsh is a stunt-goddess! She also doesn't know how to say "no". Pretty much the perfect girl for me. Off-limits, super-stunty, no inhibitions about stunting. Right on.

I feel bad, as though I stole Kae's dream girl. Amanda came for me, and was there to be my date, but both Temple and Kae were crushing on her pretty hard (and who wouldn't be, good heavens).

I really need to blog out a chronological order of events for this trip, for my own memory if nothing else. And... Clover just called and I need to go pick up my bike. So, this is the end of this disjointed ramble.

I miss Zac. *sigh* And Alex. Why can't they both live close by again? I haven't had a best friend for months, now.

Endless Roadshow with March Fourth

Last night we did the first of 3 Endless Roadshows with Wanderlust Circus. We were followed by M4, which was followed by a ridiculously delightful afterparty at the Lotus Seed.

Alex is in town, and he had a part in the show. He was in overalls with a baseball hat and a stoopid look. It was great. Dutch and Miranda threw a kick-ass Planet Claire - we rocked it, and those two have never performed that routine before. Dutch especially - learning this kind of hardcore basing is not easy and that man has stepped up to the plate in a big way.

We did some stunting with Sarah - she is excellent. At the afterparty she kept trying to get me to dance, but she didn't get that it's 'cause she's a she. It's okay; some girls simply don't get it. But we stunted bunches.

I met (re-met actually) Dawn, who is a trip. She's one of the quiet drop-dead gorgeous kind of girls that so discombobulate me if I'm not stunting with them. Much like Trish, Uli's good friend who I am pretty sure is single but Aspen insists isn't.

I'm jumping around here like an acrobat, pardon me.

The show was stressful 'cause P.C. is a tough routine. But we nailed almost everything. For a first show, last night was incredible. Lion Tamer went very well, too... James is an amazing stud. Miranda was in rare form last night, and at the afterparty she was all drunk & fun & stunty. We did a buncha great stunting.

Rene & Devin & Jax & Marco hung out with me all night after they joined us at the Bossanova for the ending couple of M4 songs. It was a wild night of rare fun. I really dig Marco. I hope I get a chance to hang out with him and get to know him better. He's one of those guys who makes an impression. He thinks.

I got to hang out with so many of my favorite people, and talk with lots of new exciting wonderful people, and it was just a night of wonder and joy. I love what I get to do and I love the people I get to do it with.

Monday Funday - Stuntfest in the park

Dutch is one of the new Kazum dudes. 250 lbs, played football, wears spandex or nothing, a really great fellow. He brings wonderful things to the group, and what's more, I really like the guy.

He is a Zoobomber, and a tallbike rider. He's bigtime into the bike scene in Portland, and he's in all the cool circles. On Monday after the Sunday Zoobomb, they have Monday Funday in the park.

I went a few weeks ago, but I didn't know anybody there to stunt with. The point of Monday Funday is technically kickball and dodgeball, but way more people show up than just the players. It's a riot. A whole new crowd.

Well, just this Monday I went again, but this time I brought my own fliers - Adrienne and Io, as well as Aaron. Dutch showed up, too, and I pounced on Steve of the Bellini Twins and made him stunt like crazy with us.

It started out with me & Adrienne & Aaron. We did some basic stuff, then practiced cradling a Chair. We did some barrel rolls, backflip out of cradle, easy stuff like that, too. Adrienne is so awesome to stunt with! Plus I can hug and hold her (which I do with lots of girls) and go ahead and let myself be aware that she's a girl (which I never do with any of the girls I spend time with). And her stuntery is superb - she takes guidance really well and she internalizes it immediately. I only ever have to tell her something once... if she fails to do it in the future she knows it immediately and she auto-corrects. That's an excellent trait in a flyer and in a lover. Best girlfriend ever!

Except that she keeps dumping me. :)

On Monday she let me know that she's closing up her main relationship, meaning I'm left out in the cold. Fate, why dost thou kick me repeatedly in the junk? *self-indulgent sigh*

It's actually pretty damn cool. At some point she'll be available again, and absence makes the heart grow fonder. It also does wonders for desire. Plus we get to have the off-limits sexual tension with the virtually ironclad agreement that the limits will someday open back up. In the mean-time, we can stunt and hang out and be pals with just a little extra, but no drama or emotional baggage going on. Pretty much perfect, other than the lack of action that I've been perfecting for a long while now.

She brought Zeke, and he was thrilled to chase a tennis ball for a long time. I like that dog. I think we have an understanding.

Back to Funday.

The stunting was great! I also worked with Aaron on tuck-drills, and spotted his first 3 standing tucks. He'll be nailing them without trouble by the weekend, I guarantee it. I teach tucks really well. *modest smile*

As people noticed us absorbing passers-by into stunting, they began to hover near the action. It was a trip. I'd look around and see a semicircle of bright-eyed faces, eager to fly. I'd assign flyers to bases on the basis of weight and later (after seeing them stunt) skill. Aaron got the lighter girls and Dutch & I worked with taller people and less experienced flyers. There was a wide range of physical experience, with the girls who were tighter being able to fly Extensions - not too shabby for Practice #1. I based sooo many Angels and quite a few Flags. It was a hoot.

I'm pretty sure that all of the girls could tell that I'm not lecherous. I worry about that; when a 37-year-old shaggy-headed dork is lifting scrumptious 18-25-year-old girls, it would be foolish not to be a little nervous about his motivations. Mine are pure: I wanna stunt.

Aaron (curse his soul) tells me that he's pretty sure some of them wouldn't mind going home with me. I hate him. Why say such things? To torment me, that's why. Aspen's way cooler than Aaron.

Aaron also described the situation as, "Scott, you were surrounded by girls with that Space Cadet Glow." Aw... I make people feel like they've just ridden a roller-coaster. I love that! I love lighting up someone's face and sharing the amazement of doing fantastic stunts. I have the best hobby ever.

Adrienne had fun. I was impressed that she can show up & dump me and still be the best girlfriend ever. That's tough to accomplish. She had to take off at around 10... she had just barely enough time to come stunt, shatter my eager dreams for the near future, console me like a good pal, and then bolt. I'm so glad she came! I can't wait to stunt with her s'more. And I hope that her relationship with her main squeeze goes swimmingly, partially so that she can be a little more free with herself and share s'more. *dreamy smile*

I met tons of people and did tons of stunts, for about 4 hours. Then the cops rolled through 'cause it was 10:00 and the park was off-limits for funnery. We all relocated to Pirate Island, a jutting slab of stone on the east bank of the Willammette. It is a beautifully picturesque place, especially with a bonfire and 30 or so people, with the river and downtown Portland lighting up the horizon. Amazing.

There were a few crates to throw into the bonfire, and people were walking across them as they burned and crumbled. Stupid, but impressive and fun! When a new crate went on and it was only barely starting to burn I pulled one of my two best flyers up - either Emily or Jackie, I can't remember which. I'm pretty sure it was Jackie. She wasn't about to do an Angel on a burning crate until I sat there quietly and let it sink in just how cool that would be. Then she committed, stayed tight, and we did it. Very cool. I love flyers with that kind of trust right off the bat.

I also noticed a gorgeous little tiny girl watching the stunting, but I was busy plus she is pretty enough to be seriously intimidating, so I didn't introduce myself. But after a few beers and smoking I jabbered at her for quite some time as she sat by the bonfire. Her name is Charlotte and she's one of those girls who stops traffic with her body and her face. She knows it and she uses it, but that's fine. I ain't trying to date her. She's 19. I just wanna stunt with her. I got her number but she's not responded to calls or messages so I'll see if she really wants to learn on this upcoming Monday Funday.

I'm also really excited to work with various other girls from that crowd, including Sarah (Dutch's super-cool heart-throb ladyfriend) and Jackie and Emily, the two small blonde girls. I was talking with Jackie and mis-remembered something that Emily had said. Jackie gave me a "hey dumbass look into my eyes" face and said, "I'm the other little blonde." Rocked me back and cracked me the hell up. She's saucy, Jackie is. She's an English Literature graduate and I think she's eager to do lots of stunting as a hobby. Emily is also eager to stunt, as is Sarah. I'm excited to pick up some regulars!

At around 1 or 2, Aaron & Matt & Sarah & Dutch and I all hoofed it back to Dutch's place. It was a great night.

But I couldn't sleep; my calves and long leg muscles were cramping up like crazy. I thought I was gonna scream a few times. Damn.

I wish I had some pictures. Others took some; I know that the burning crate stunt was on film.

I'm really looking forward to the upcoming Funday. :)

I kissed a girl

I had a spectacular birthday 2 weeks ago. My older two sons came to visit. I performed last night. And, as the Title indicates, I kissed a girl for the first time in 2 years. Sweetness.

It was a pretty normal, boring day up until the evening. Lots of people on iHeart wished me happy birthday. Even though it's an easy thing to do, it still brings warm fuzzy feelings and I appreciate it.

Last night's venue was one I'd performed at before: the Someday Lounge in downtown Portland. It's a bar that's dedicated half of their dance floor to a solid, permanent stage. Best of all, they have ceilings high enough for 2-and-a-half-high stunting. We couldn't basket-toss, but that's okay; only out most showy routines include basket-tosses.

Since Kazum just replaced 2 guys and 1 girl, the only routine that's performance-ready is "All About Love," which is a snappy little number that Uli and I choreographed a few months back. It's just the two of us, which is a little dissapointing, but it's chock-full of stunty fun. The warm-ups were a little scary; they had side-lighting that blinded us on a few of our stunts. But we worked around it and got all ready.

Also, a co-worker came to the show and I was all kinds of excited about that. He's a great guy and I was glad he finally got to see what I do.

So before the show I was outside cooling off after a backstage practice run-through. A girl on a bike noticed me and stopped, asking, "Hey, aren't you a gymnast?" I'm actually not... but what people mean when they ask that is, "Don't you perform flippy-type things?" It turns out that she is friends with a girl who used to be roommates with one of the guys in the group. At a performance a few months back she was really friendly and I think she was hitting on me back then. And it certainly seemed as though she was interested last night. I invited her to the show and put her name on the guest list, and we talked for a bit.

The performance went well in some ways and not so well in others. All of the stunts hit, and they hit sharply. That's awesome! Nobody was hurt - again with the awesome. But my performance felt lackluster. Plus, they didn't announce us... they just told us to start after the 10-minute intermission. Half the audience was outside smoking/talking/cooling off, or at the bar. That's sucky.

Those who saw it offered the appropriate props. I can never tell what percentage of the compliments we get are obligatory and what percentage is genuine.

There were a bunch of stilt-walkers as ambiance, and they were all really cool. One of them was a girl I knew from a few different things in the past - Stephanie. She's my dream-girl. I don't know what quality it is that elevates a girl from "person" to "goddess" in my eyes, but she's got it in spades. She's like 19 years old; I'd never actually participate in anything romantic with her. But she's one of the girls who has the power to stop my speech simply by being present. 'Tis awkward. I mostly avoided her.

Anyway, I went out to the bar to get my free birthday drink - Cap'n Morgan Spiced Rum & Coke, yum. My fan was there (her name is Annabel) and she was all excited to see the show. She was really bummed when she found out we'd performed it. She was outside with many other folk and didn't know it had already finished. :( That's okay; she saw it a few months ago. But still, that's why she was there.

We went outside and talked. She's gorgeous, but in a way that isn't really my thing. Exquisite makeup & hair, adorable outfit, all the stuff that our society demands of us before we can be considered sexy or attractive. But that's all a big red flag that she's not gonna be into me at all; I spend zilch effort on image, and I have no interest in style or fashion or in looking the way our culture indicates I should look.

Still, I was all dandied up in makeup and costume, sweaty from performing, so I figured that's about as good as it gets as far as Scott's Image is concerned. And she seemed to concur; she was almost flat-out hitting on me. She was probably confused about why I wasn't reciprocating... I'm just too shy. *sigh*

Anyway, I taught her how to do a cool stunt (a flag) and she was tickled pink. Then we went back inside and hung out for a while. We ended up being alone together and she was still hitting on me and I finally gathered all my courage together and asked her for a birthday kiss. She was very amenable, and neither of us held anything back. It was awesome. We didn't actually make out... the kiss was only 45 seconds or so. But it was certainly more than a quick peck. She complimented me on my kissing (again with the "how much is obligatory and how much is genuine" question) and I thanked her for the birthday gift and we talked a bit more as we returned to the green room where a wild party was in full swing.

I said my goodbyes (my older boys were waiting at home, along with my sister & her roommates). I thanked Annabel again and hugged her goodbye. The poor girl must be all kinds of confused; I didn't do any of the things I'm obligated to do. I didn't ask for her phone number or email address, for example. She's moving back home to New York in a few weeks... which is a big part of why I didn't bolt immediately. I didn't establish any way to contact her; I'm not looking for an actual fling. Plus, I'm pretty sure she'd find me non-attractive if I wasn't costumed and made-up. I suspect that I'm just not her type, and that's fine by me. A kiss is all I wanted.
Well, I coulda lived through a quickie, but that also includes some extra overhead stuff. So a kiss is probably better.

*sigh* I'll keep telling myself that and maybe I'll buy into it eventually.

My buddy from work (Carl) was my ride home and when we were about halfway there I was flattened by a realization. It still leaves my knees trembly and it turns my belly into a butterfly airstrip. I doubt I can communicate it adequately, but I'll try.

One of my favorite memorized poems is "Annabel Lee" by Edgar Allen Poe. The girl I broke my kiss-fasting with was named Annabel. And I utterly failed to recite the poem to her. I am almost certain to never again have that opportunity - to recite a poem to the girl who is named after it. I don't know if she's named after it intentionally of course. I almost made Carl take me back so that I could find her and squirrel her away for a private poetry reading. But my kids were waiting. *sigh*

Anyway, the rest of the night was spent in hilarity and revelry. I played guitar & sang "Always the First to Die" for Carl. (http://www.puremagic.com/~scott/music/always_the_first_to_die.wav - sorry, I know that .wav is a lousy format but I've not bothered to convert it to anything better.) We played Boggle, which we spiced up with much joking and funnery. We decided that Superman can undeniably be described as savey, and my 15-year-old son Jed was clever enough to condense "date-rape" into "dape". Perhaps you had to be there to appreciate the humor in, "Hi, I'm Scott. Have a roofie! Would you like to go out on a dape with me?" But we all laughed in an uproarish manner.

All in all, the evening was pretty much as perfect as it could possibly be without Dutch triplets who were in town for the contortionist lovemaking competition.