Circus & Relationship let-down blues

So, breaking up with Joey was tough and painful 'cause I deserved it and I hurt her. But then I had lots of busy-ness going on with working for Creature, stunting a ton, and prepping for the San Francisco trip. Facebook is a reminder of the painfulness - pictures of Joey and comments from Joey. But part of my busy-ness included no real online access. So, I was mostly distracted.

Now I'm back into the normal, boring old groove of my life. And now I'm missing Joey a lot, as well as missing the distraction & fun & emotional balm of circus camaraderie.

Despite that, I never quite find myself wishing that Joey and I were still together, somehow. I'm not 100% sure why that is, especially since she stopped drinking and that was one of the biggest challenges I had in our relationship.

I do keep finding myself wishing I'd just broken things off instead of stepping out and betraying the relationship. :( That really eats at me. Dutch and Sara are great at reminding me of that, which I appreciate. I don't want a free pass, or to be distracted instead of hurting. I want to shoulder the consequences of my choice and be impacted by them.

In San Francisco I got lots of snuggling and fun. Amanda came out to see me, and she had clearly designated herself as my arm-candy. Very friendly, dancing with me, always standing next to me - it was wonderful. But Dutch's "No Action for Two Weeks" decree weighed on me. It turns out that Amanda wasn't there to sleep with me, anyway - she was just arm-candy. I'm not gonna claim 100% satisfaction with that... but all things considered I'm really glad it worked out that way. Sex with guilt attached wouldn't have been good. There was enough guilt about just the cuddly stuff & kissy stuff.

It was also nice to be attached. There were a bunch of hungry-eyed ladies at the show, and they were smiling at us Kazum boys like panthers eyeing a couple of plump bunny rabbits. I don't want to experience rock-star style casual hookups with hot babes. It freaks me out. I like people way more than I like flesh, and casual hookups are about flesh way more than they're about people.

Getting to know Jess & Brandy & Brittanie was super fun. Again, there wasn't any romantic pressure there - none of 'em are at all interested in me for whatever reason, so I can relax and just hang out with them. Yay! The AWOL girls were crazy fun. Spending the car ride back with Brittanie was also way fun. She was raised Mormon, and it's tough to see her as a hot girl now. At the same time, she's super attractive to me - I understand Mormon girls, very much, and I really bond well with them. That makes me (mostly) glad that she's too young for me and uninterested in me, to boot.

Lulu was really friendly at the show, as well. She's been friendly in the past, and I always seem to have a relationship or a date at the time. Lame. I'd love to kiss Lulu. Even more, though, I'd love to hang out with her and get to know her. I only ever see her at big festive parties and afterparties.

I also love hanging out with Anna. Again, she's not at all interested in me for whatever reason, and that leaves us free to snuggle and cuddle and hang out without any romantic pressures. :) She's another girl that would be big trouble if she liked me.

Adrienne is another matter. She used to go on at length about how much she wanted to be my lover, but since reconnecting with her after breaking up with Joey, she's not been at all romantically forward. Maybe it's just Dutch's hostile "Two Weeks!" energy. But it's for the best, I think... as Dutch would say, I don't deserve rebound action. And, painfully, I agree with him.

But I've been dating someone or other for the last year or so, and I'm into my 2nd week without any lovin's. It's difficult. And that's okay. If I strive to be honest with myself, that's even excellent. Just tough.

This somehow turned into a "list the girls I'm crushing on" kind of post. Lame.

Back to the circus. :)

I wanna be on the Wanderbus more in the future. The car is great! But it's just got less people to get to know. I did enjoy reciting my entire repertoire of poems while driving through northern California in the early AM. Everyone else was asleep (though Andy caught some of it) which lets me just relax and not be nervous about soliloquizing. I'm oddly shy for someone who's so often spammy and powerfully extroverted.

Playing drinking games with Dutch and Uli and the AWOL ladies was spectacular. I didn't spend much time with my all-time favorite AWOL girl on this trip, sadly - Alysia was usually doing things where I wasn't. :( But she was quite adequately entertained, as was I, and I sure hope that we'll resume our hanging-out patterns now again despite the interference of a certain Kazumite who's started monopolizing her time. :)

I didn't spend much time with Uli or Miranda, either. On Kazum-only tours we get way more time together. I can't wait for more of that. I love those girls very much.

Brittany Walsh is a stunt-goddess! She also doesn't know how to say "no". Pretty much the perfect girl for me. Off-limits, super-stunty, no inhibitions about stunting. Right on.

I feel bad, as though I stole Kae's dream girl. Amanda came for me, and was there to be my date, but both Temple and Kae were crushing on her pretty hard (and who wouldn't be, good heavens).

I really need to blog out a chronological order of events for this trip, for my own memory if nothing else. And... Clover just called and I need to go pick up my bike. So, this is the end of this disjointed ramble.

I miss Zac. *sigh* And Alex. Why can't they both live close by again? I haven't had a best friend for months, now.

Monday Funday - Stuntfest in the park

Dutch is one of the new Kazum dudes. 250 lbs, played football, wears spandex or nothing, a really great fellow. He brings wonderful things to the group, and what's more, I really like the guy.

He is a Zoobomber, and a tallbike rider. He's bigtime into the bike scene in Portland, and he's in all the cool circles. On Monday after the Sunday Zoobomb, they have Monday Funday in the park.

I went a few weeks ago, but I didn't know anybody there to stunt with. The point of Monday Funday is technically kickball and dodgeball, but way more people show up than just the players. It's a riot. A whole new crowd.

Well, just this Monday I went again, but this time I brought my own fliers - Adrienne and Io, as well as Aaron. Dutch showed up, too, and I pounced on Steve of the Bellini Twins and made him stunt like crazy with us.

It started out with me & Adrienne & Aaron. We did some basic stuff, then practiced cradling a Chair. We did some barrel rolls, backflip out of cradle, easy stuff like that, too. Adrienne is so awesome to stunt with! Plus I can hug and hold her (which I do with lots of girls) and go ahead and let myself be aware that she's a girl (which I never do with any of the girls I spend time with). And her stuntery is superb - she takes guidance really well and she internalizes it immediately. I only ever have to tell her something once... if she fails to do it in the future she knows it immediately and she auto-corrects. That's an excellent trait in a flyer and in a lover. Best girlfriend ever!

Except that she keeps dumping me. :)

On Monday she let me know that she's closing up her main relationship, meaning I'm left out in the cold. Fate, why dost thou kick me repeatedly in the junk? *self-indulgent sigh*

It's actually pretty damn cool. At some point she'll be available again, and absence makes the heart grow fonder. It also does wonders for desire. Plus we get to have the off-limits sexual tension with the virtually ironclad agreement that the limits will someday open back up. In the mean-time, we can stunt and hang out and be pals with just a little extra, but no drama or emotional baggage going on. Pretty much perfect, other than the lack of action that I've been perfecting for a long while now.

She brought Zeke, and he was thrilled to chase a tennis ball for a long time. I like that dog. I think we have an understanding.

Back to Funday.

The stunting was great! I also worked with Aaron on tuck-drills, and spotted his first 3 standing tucks. He'll be nailing them without trouble by the weekend, I guarantee it. I teach tucks really well. *modest smile*

As people noticed us absorbing passers-by into stunting, they began to hover near the action. It was a trip. I'd look around and see a semicircle of bright-eyed faces, eager to fly. I'd assign flyers to bases on the basis of weight and later (after seeing them stunt) skill. Aaron got the lighter girls and Dutch & I worked with taller people and less experienced flyers. There was a wide range of physical experience, with the girls who were tighter being able to fly Extensions - not too shabby for Practice #1. I based sooo many Angels and quite a few Flags. It was a hoot.

I'm pretty sure that all of the girls could tell that I'm not lecherous. I worry about that; when a 37-year-old shaggy-headed dork is lifting scrumptious 18-25-year-old girls, it would be foolish not to be a little nervous about his motivations. Mine are pure: I wanna stunt.

Aaron (curse his soul) tells me that he's pretty sure some of them wouldn't mind going home with me. I hate him. Why say such things? To torment me, that's why. Aspen's way cooler than Aaron.

Aaron also described the situation as, "Scott, you were surrounded by girls with that Space Cadet Glow." Aw... I make people feel like they've just ridden a roller-coaster. I love that! I love lighting up someone's face and sharing the amazement of doing fantastic stunts. I have the best hobby ever.

Adrienne had fun. I was impressed that she can show up & dump me and still be the best girlfriend ever. That's tough to accomplish. She had to take off at around 10... she had just barely enough time to come stunt, shatter my eager dreams for the near future, console me like a good pal, and then bolt. I'm so glad she came! I can't wait to stunt with her s'more. And I hope that her relationship with her main squeeze goes swimmingly, partially so that she can be a little more free with herself and share s'more. *dreamy smile*

I met tons of people and did tons of stunts, for about 4 hours. Then the cops rolled through 'cause it was 10:00 and the park was off-limits for funnery. We all relocated to Pirate Island, a jutting slab of stone on the east bank of the Willammette. It is a beautifully picturesque place, especially with a bonfire and 30 or so people, with the river and downtown Portland lighting up the horizon. Amazing.

There were a few crates to throw into the bonfire, and people were walking across them as they burned and crumbled. Stupid, but impressive and fun! When a new crate went on and it was only barely starting to burn I pulled one of my two best flyers up - either Emily or Jackie, I can't remember which. I'm pretty sure it was Jackie. She wasn't about to do an Angel on a burning crate until I sat there quietly and let it sink in just how cool that would be. Then she committed, stayed tight, and we did it. Very cool. I love flyers with that kind of trust right off the bat.

I also noticed a gorgeous little tiny girl watching the stunting, but I was busy plus she is pretty enough to be seriously intimidating, so I didn't introduce myself. But after a few beers and smoking I jabbered at her for quite some time as she sat by the bonfire. Her name is Charlotte and she's one of those girls who stops traffic with her body and her face. She knows it and she uses it, but that's fine. I ain't trying to date her. She's 19. I just wanna stunt with her. I got her number but she's not responded to calls or messages so I'll see if she really wants to learn on this upcoming Monday Funday.

I'm also really excited to work with various other girls from that crowd, including Sarah (Dutch's super-cool heart-throb ladyfriend) and Jackie and Emily, the two small blonde girls. I was talking with Jackie and mis-remembered something that Emily had said. Jackie gave me a "hey dumbass look into my eyes" face and said, "I'm the other little blonde." Rocked me back and cracked me the hell up. She's saucy, Jackie is. She's an English Literature graduate and I think she's eager to do lots of stunting as a hobby. Emily is also eager to stunt, as is Sarah. I'm excited to pick up some regulars!

At around 1 or 2, Aaron & Matt & Sarah & Dutch and I all hoofed it back to Dutch's place. It was a great night.

But I couldn't sleep; my calves and long leg muscles were cramping up like crazy. I thought I was gonna scream a few times. Damn.

I wish I had some pictures. Others took some; I know that the burning crate stunt was on film.

I'm really looking forward to the upcoming Funday. :)