Hypocrisy: The story of my life

Last night Kazum performed at the inauguration of Sam Adams as Portland's major. He's the first openly gay mayor in America. There was lots of press coverage and a great deal of support from gay/lesbian/queer community and liberal folk, of course. And that's totally appropriate.

As I arrived at 5:00, March Fourth Marching Band was setting up. They're awesome, and one of their drummers (Aspen) is Uli's boyfriend. I love him very much, and I like all of the band members (there are 30 or so). They're big & loud & flambouyant and extremely liberal. It's awesome. Anyway, I was obviously there to perform, and I was baskin in the giddy happiness despite being sad about the event itself. I'm a conservative parent who firmly believes in the LDS gospel; a rabidly-liberal mayor makes Portland a much worse city from my perspective. I'm not protesting or anything, but I certainly wasn't there to show support. I was just there to perform, as well as to enable the rest of my group to perform. They were probably there partly to show support. But I wasn't... yet I was there. Hence the hypocrisy.

A nice little gay man with AIDS picked me out for some reason to gush effusively about how neat this was and how the world was finally accepting gays, and he went on and on for about 10 minutes. It was fine; I love people and I was okay with listening to him. He obviously assumed I held the same beliefs, and why wouldn't he? I was there, after all. It was just ironic and amusing that of all the people there he picked the one person who absolutely did not support the event's underlying celebratory nature. It was enjoyable to receive his happiness but it was bothersome because I powerfully disagree with the events he was so pleased about.

So, we performed and the show was awesome. I toe-pitched Alex higher than we ever have achieved, and Russ & I threw Miranda in a basket-toss that would've scraped the ceiling of almost any other venue. Luckily, city hall has a 200-foot-high ceiling. Uli & I did "All About Love" afterward since Trashcan Joe was performing. Again, it was awesome. An adorable little 4-year-old girl named Omi came up and said that she liked our show, and I talked with her for a few minutes as her eyes sparkled. Her mom was quite pleased, and more than a little shocked to find out that I have 5 kids of my own. I tossed her in the air and she crowed about how her dad did that too. She ran over to have him toss her and I was glad I hadn't thrown her very high; I would've felt lousy about upstaging dad, and I didn't even realize dad was there. Kazum gets a lot of adoration from kids, and I thrive on it. I also had an older (60ish) lady come up and go on at length about how neat we were and how much joy we bring, and how our performance was magical. It was awesome. It always makes me wish I could explain that while watching it is surely fun, it's so amazingly exciting to do it!

Back to the topic, sorry.

I've tried really hard for the last 10 years or so to be honest about my choices. Instead of rationalizing something 'cause I'm doing it, I maintain my insistence that it's wrong even though I do it. Drinking, smoking, swearing, having sex without being married - these are my primary vices. I've noticed that nearly every person I've ever known is careful to justify their vices. If they can't seem to stop doing it, they rationalize it away or simply refuse to admit that it's a vice. That's way more comfortable than honestly succumbing to vice. My older boys' mom is better at it than most; she completely rewrote her ethical outlook based entirely upon her own desires. THAT, to me, is hypocrisy.

But it's also hypocritical to say one thing and do another. The obvious solution is to do what we say. In many ways I'm able to do that. In ways that involve my "pet vices" I'm not able to do that. I was born with extreme weakness to appetites, and I've cultivated that into a chink in my ethical armor that's big enough to shove an entire devil through. I used to maintain that if I could change anything about myself I'd change that... but then I thought it through and decided that miraculous changes are worthless. I hope very much to someday turn my weaknesses into strengths, but I hope to do it through work, willpower, learning, humility, reliance upon others, etc. Magical cures rob us of incredible potential growth.

I hate modeling hypocrisy. My friends assume that my beliefs are shallow and fleeting; holdovers from being raised in a culture that doesn't cater to hedonism. They're honestly puzzled when I insist that I hold values that conflict drastically with my behaviors. Most people are. But, I believe that most people rewrite their morality according to their wants. Enjoy money?... simply define greed & envy as a desire for self-betterment. Turn it from a vice into a noble trait. Big on pride?... call out the good effects that can accompany pride, while minimizing the deadly impacts of pride. Enslaved to lust?... call it love and laud yourself as a giving person whose affection simply cannot be restricted to just one person. Etc.

Instead, I do my honest best to maintain a clear perspective even though I frequently shatter my own belief system. And then I try not to make excuses for the shattering. People often tell me, "You're a great guy, don't worry about it so much!" That's a very tempting way to avoid responsibility for ethical failures. Mostly 'cause it gives the illusion of absolving us of guilt. But I don't think it really does; most people who vehemently insist that they're totally fine with their ethics are actually pretty torn up about it, and it shows despite their attempts to convince themselves and others.

Instead, I'm torn up about the hypocrisy. Part of it is cultural; society demands that we do what we say we believe in doing. That's a great demand and I support it wholeheartedly. But when we "can't" live up to our ideals we're faced with a choice:

#1: Live up to our ideals. Keep trying harder. Win. This is the best choice. It's also a choice I've been reliably poor at making. There are a lot of people who reliably choose #1. However, I firmly believe that most people who claim to chose #1 are really choosing #2, below.
#2: Redefine our ideals as a way of accomplishing #1. If our ideals lower, they're way easier to live up to. This is what most people do, and then claim to be living up to their ideals.
#3: Maintain our ideals while failing to live up to them. *sigh* So far, it's just me who does this one. Well, I've heard of a few people who do this. But I've never met anyone who does.

Should I jump on the bandwagon and adopt option #2? Ugh, no, everything within me rejects that proposal.

Should I keep aiming for #1, and reliably failing? Ugh, yuck, sucky, *pbbbbbbt*.

So how do I actually choose #1 reliably? Therapy? Done it for years and years and years. Motivation for another person? If my kids aren't enough to motivate me, then there ain't nobody out there who is. Learning all about why I choose what I choose? I've spent enormous quantities of time & effort here, and they've certainly helped. I'll keep doing this one for sure.

What else? Marshall my willpower yet again? Another "This time I mean it?" How do I make such an audacious claim without laughing at myself? Why would I believe me? That's like an alcoholic who throws away his bottle and tearfully insists for the 1,000th time: "Never again!"

Plus, upsetting my vice-balance often means that one vice gains tremendous power. The past culprits have been funseeking, gaming, and wimmen. (In reverse order.) But I'm not ruling out alcohol; anyone who learns to medicate emotions through compulsive behavior is a poster-child for chemical addiction. I'd actually prefer chemical addiction to the others, but everything I've learned indicates that chemical addiction stacks with other addictions. Switching to alcoholism is an attractive option. Adding alcoholism is not attractive in the slightest way.

So, I embrace hypocrisy. Well-wishers often advise me, "Just don't succumb to vice anymore." That's great advice, but it's also largely without practical application. If I could figure out how to do that reliably, I'd be a much better person, and I'd already have done it.

Yay, hypocrisy! *sigh*

Happy New Year!

It was a spectacular New Year celebration. Probably the best I've ever experienced, despite some sad parts.

The sad part was preordained. Gaelen doesn't like the usage of chemicals that alter behaviors or thinking. I myself do like such usage now & then, though I also believe firmly that they're wrong and shouldn't be used... hypocrisy is my life. Anyway, when we first started dating she explained her feelings and I thought about it and decided to change my behaviors for her. I was okay with that until I found out that Zac was coming back into town and everyone in Kazum was planning to have a big amazing fun afterparty following our New Year performance.

I brought it up with Gaelen and asked for more explanation so that I could make choices I didn't want to make for her benefit without being consumed with bitterness and resentment. She clarified her position and explained that she wasn't gonna be all tore up over it, though she'd be disappointed and upset. But she'd get over it.

This redistributed the negativity for the conflict a bit more equitably, meaning that I'd still be feeling sad about her being upset, but I wouldn't be burdened with the full negative emotions arising from her sensitivity to the behavior. In other words... we'd both suffer (her more than me) instead of me being the only one to suffer, about her desire that I not do something.

But as New Year's Eve approached she became increasingly morose about it. Not just because I'd be off doing whatever, but because it meant we couldn't spend New Year's Eve together. I totally understand that; it's absolutely miserable going to a party with someone who's planning to end up doing something you hate.

So, Wednesday passed with Gaelen feeling abandoned and sad, while I was ramping up for a performance and an afterparty with Zac & crew. I felt sad 'cause Gaelen was sad but I also took care not to let her upset ruin my night. That's not only stupid but it also breeds resentment, which is one of the most poisonous emotions to introduce into a relationship of any kind.

Uli & I met at the Egg for a run-through of All About Love before the show. It went spectacularly, as expected; it's an easy and simple routine despite it being exciting and fun. Then we schlepped our mat over to the venue. I got a superb parking spot 1/2 a block away, which never happens! Bonus!

The venue is one we've performed in before, but it's been improved remarkably since last time. It was pretty cool. The staff was wonderful! The Green Room was a narrow, bent hallway with lots of junk stored in it; that sucked but it's just the way it goes. And actually it was plenty adequate for our needs. We were downstairs at the Rotture; an overhauled warehouse near the riverfront.

There weren't very many people at 9:00, when Trashcan Joe went on. Miranda & Alex got there before we went on, but nobody else we knew was there yet by the time Uli & I performed at about 9:30. It went well, though the performance space was pretty cramped. Alex said that my facials were pretty good, which was encouraging.

Then everyone else started showing up. Noah & Creature wandered in with their assorted wimmen. I always enjoy seeing those two and they're less careful about not being seen in my presence, lately. Not sure if I'm cooler now or if they're just less concerned about it. Hopefully the latter. It doesn't bug me, really, except that I feel bad for 'em because I like them. I also saw Cherry, who's been increasingly less standoffish. She still odds me out a lot 'cause I think our core beliefs about many things are drastically different... but that's much more fascinating to me than it is scary. Maybe some day she'll be comfortable enough and undisgusted enough that we can talk about stuff. Dunno. Doesn't really matter, 'cept that I think about her & Creature & Noah more than I think about any of the "Kazum outer circle" people. I'm really not sure why... I don't think about Naia nearly as much as I do those three, and I'm totally comfortable with Naia. Maybe that's why.

Anyway, I earnestly enjoy seeing Noah & Creature & crew and it was wonderful that they were there. I honestly do think I'm growing on 'em. Like fungus, maybe, or like a subtle STD.

As our performance time (10:00) approached, we were becoming increasingly concerned about Russ' absence. We'd choreographed a bunch of stunt sequences and pyramids that rely on him, although it's not as serious as having something like Planet Claire or Birthday or Piggies that simply cannot be performed without one of the members. He didn't show up at all, all night long. He didn't even call any of us. A no-call no-show for a show is probably grounds for immediate dismissal; it's rare to find a job that doesn't abide by such a policy. And Russ has done the no-call no-show before. Are we being stupid for not just cutting him?

I don't think so. I think that he's honestly excited about being part of Kazum. I think that he enjoys what we do very much. He's absolutely wonderful at it; he's a great base and a pretty good spotter. He's spectacular to work with at almost all times. I like him, I respect him, and I love him. But if we'd required his presence to perform, then Kazum would have blown off a big venue last night. Not only do we not get paid when we do that, but every person who shows up has wasted their night and all practice time spent on the event. But the worst cost is that the producers of the show would have to be complete fools or terribly desperate, to hire Kazum ever again. When a performing entity flakes out the night of the performance, people hear about it and spread the word and pretty soon nobody is interested in hiring that group anymore.

Despite the lack of 1/5 of the group, we did an amazing job. We threw random stunts and some simple sequences, and Uli & I ran through All About Love again. We did toe-pitches and libs and cupies and a three-headed dragon and all manner of delightful stuntery. It was not only fun & exciting to watch, but it was absolutely wonderful to perform. Even better, Zac got to cycle in frequently. At one point he announced that his chemical vowel had kicked in enough that he wasn't safe to do stunts with anyone but me... aw! Zac being safe! It was a little eerie! Plus, it was way cool that he and I can stunt safely regardless of mind alterations. We've practiced both our physical skills and our skills of judgment under such conditions. He always pushes boundaries; he is, after all, Zac. But together we're pretty impressively safe. Kudos to Melissa for her contributions to that!

After our hour of performance we were off the hook, so everyone but me got into their party clothes. I kept my performance clothes; they're way cooler than anything else I own plus I feel less self-conscious when I'm fancied-up as a performer instead of trying to have fun under my alter ego as UberDork.

I also don't have to worry quite as much about ruining others' enjoyment when the UberDork gloms on to them in a humiliating fashion. Everyone outside of the core Kazum group is pretty darn conscious of societal pressures to only hang out with the cool kids, and Alex & Miranda are at least somewhat conscious of it despite accepting me regardless. Uli honestly doesn't let herself care; she doesn't shun me because of my refutation of society's dictation of fashion. It bothers her... it bothers her a lot. It bothers all of 'em, bless their hearts. :) But Uli's simply amazing at setting that aside and not treating me any different no matter what I look like or what I say. It's one of her most admirable traits.

We all went back into the Green Room (aka "narrow twisty storage hallway") and took the steps required to put some ecstatic fun into our evenings. They also all put on party clothing. Then we moseyed back out into the celebration.

When Zac feels ecstatic, he shows it. Boy, does he. Alex has been going off about how showy Zac's ecstacy was. Zac's lower jaw juts forward and he gets this feral gleam in his eyes, which get all large and sharklike. It's not freakish or ugly or anything... it's just very odd and pronounced. His attention fragments easily at all times, but at times like last night it's even more fragile. When he's completely normal he can at best claim a few meager whisps of good judgment, but last night those were blown away like cottonwood fluff in a hurricane.

I stunted here and there with Zac & Alex, and carried the girls through the crowd in angels or other stunts now & then. It was really fun. There's something magical about a party where you have the ability to toss people around impressively. Alex and I lifted several girls in basic, simple stunts. One girl (Barr) was from Israel. She was jaw-clenchingly attractive, but since I was in my element I was able to talk with her without melting. There were actually a great many gorgeous women that I got to hang out with and massage and stroke their skin & hair... it was a very friendly, happy party. And I wasn't at all influenced by lust; I was feeling loving & open but not at all horny. At one point someone mentioned, "Man you've got a tough life" and it cracked me up. I get to entertain and bask in the limelight, then wander about and see all the cool kids who mostly happen to be my friends, and enjoy nearly all of the perks of being a social climber, without actually having to go to the horrific lengths required to actually be a social climber. I get to wander from beautiful woman to beautiful woman and hug 'em and hang with 'em, and I've got friends scattered everywhere at these events. It's pretty amazing... though in the moment I don't think any of that 'cause I'm just hanging out & having fun with my buddies. Only at big splashy events do I remember that many of my buddies are drop-dead gorgeous, plus nubile.

I got some great chances to spend time with Cherry. She regaled me with her tale of woe as she & Creature prowled about but found the hunting to be sparse. It was awesome, and I really enjoyed being let in on the grief. I also bumped into her a few other times, and forgot to give her space 'cause she's embarrassed by me. As a result, I discovered that she no longer seems to be embarrassed by me. Perhaps I've gotten less embarrassing. That'd be a shame, ugh. I'll have to think on that.

Creedence showed up at some point, which was spectacular. I like Creedence immensely. I got to hang out with her quite a bit as the evening progressed, including getting her backstage access to the Groove Bomb. She walked into the joint-zone, though, which is a cross between the Twilight Zone and the Bermuda Triangle. The way it works is that someone tries to hand you a joint. If you take it, you're screwed; there are way more of them than there are smokers, so you are stuck with it until you finish it or you find some poor sucker to take "just one hit". I got out quickly but Creedence had no such luck and the poor girl was gone for the rest of the night. It was great and she had a great time.

I had the most amazing evening. We traveled in small bunches that split apart and rejoined in an amazingly amoebalike fashion. As people in each group became attached to other people via conversations, touching, or whatever, I'd eventually wander off if I wasn't one of the attached. Soon I'd find another person or group that I knew, and I'd fasten on to them for a short or a long time. There was no drama, no hostility and no angst during the entire evening. Uli & Zac did get tied up in a long & intense conversation about a past event... but by the end of the night Zac felt like he'd gotten closure from Uli, and Zac feeling that way is what Uli required as well. I was really glad to see that skeleton finally get buried.

At one point I fell in love with a girl in a sparkly dress. She was beautiful and I was blown away. I don't know why; there were a great many beautiful women there. But I avoided her, as is my wont when attracted, and she became a recurring bright spot as I randomly encountered the sight of her here and there later during the night.

At another point I was introduced to a girl in a green dress. I remember the color because it matched her hair and her makeup and it was quite striking. I was appropriately stricken; I mumbled some garbled comment about how well she matched, choking back my instinctive reaction to tell the truth. I have learned that my instinctive reaction is almost always the worst possible thing to go on, and truth is usually a stupid choice. I usually just don't say anything.

Later in the evening this girl in green again entered my sphere of communication, and this time I actually blurted out the truth. For once, it turned out to be a good idea! Meeting her eventually became the high point of the entire evening, which amazes and gratifies me to no end.

But first I must describe the Groove Bomb. It's a traveling party that unloads music and hosts fun. You need a VIP pass to get on, but performers had that access so I got to spend quite a bit of time grooving. Alex spent a lot of time there, Zac & Laura did as well, and Uli eventually held court at the back of the bus for a time. It was noisy, but far less so than anywhere else in the entire venue... at least, until I discovered the Quiet Place. But that was later.

Miranda quickly picked up a gorgeous date: a near-mirror-image of herself named Melissa. Scrumptious. I bumped into them a few times as the night moved on but they were mostly engaged with one another, which I quite understood and was entertained by.

Alex was constantly surrounded by gorgeous women. He's more of a chick magnet than anyone I've known since I was in high school. It's amazing to watch. I'm so very glad I don't have the same affliction; I'd be way more irresponsible than he is with power like that. He also spent a lot of time with me; I got a great deal of Alex-Time and I loved it. We popped up to a shoulder-stand at one point to disable a bulb, then discovered that we needed to travel, which wasn't so easy for Alex 'cause he was ecstatic but he loved it very much anyway.

Uli finished resolving things with Zac but then I didn't see her for hours. She was having a great time, though. Eventually Aspen showed up, but he was pretty far gone and I didn't get to spend much time with him other than a quick stunt-bonding moment in a partially-floorless closet over the stairs, where I did a shoulderstand on his knees and he based me. Then Alex showed up and Aspen feint-slammed him and Alex barely restrained his instinctive & highly-trained protective counterstrike. Never pretend to attack a martial artist; if their control fails then you've tricked them into hurting you and neither of you wants that.

Russ, as mentioned before, didn't show up nor did he call. :(

Zac & Laura moseyed about a great deal, often with me. I got a lot of Zac-Time and I loved it. :) At one point we bumped into Skye & Bryce Pixton's younger sister whose name I can never remember. I had mentioned to Zac that I felt awkward around her 'cause she's Mormon, but he brought it up and she's not. So, as Zac loves to do, he jumped into sharing my personal beliefs about various things that are guaranteed to get me labeled as a closed-minded conservative idiotic hater-of-others. I don't mind explaining my beliefs... but being presented to a hostile audience (frequently consisting of multiple people) as a Hater is not fun for me. Laura mentioned it him and he blew her off, so I mentioned it and he blew me off, so I'll probably write an email explaining it and asking him to stop doing it unless it's in a situation where I can take 15 or 20 minutes and explain things.

At one point on the Groove Bomb, Alex was giving Zac some massage work. I jumped in, and someone else did, too (probably Laura; she's so wonderful with Zac). We worked him for 5 or 10 minutes... that must've been bliss. I massaged a bunch of people; I was feeling really feely. But nobody massaged me more than a quick touch here and there. I noticed this at the end of the night and felt sad about it. I wonder why. Maybe I'm more repulsive than I realize?... Or maybe most people aren't as feely as me, so I naturally end up giving lots more touching than I receive. Or maybe I'm creepy and I don't know it. These things could all be. *shrug* I ain't gonna worry about it unless I get more information.

At midnight I had nobody to kiss, but karma was not about to drop me on my ass so easily. It provided the perfect surrogate for Gaelen.

Zac, in all his fun-having glory, said to me, "Scott, will you kiss me at midnight?" I was thrilled to acquiesce. He nodded impatiently, obviously assuming this response, and elaborated, "Will you do it in an arm-to-arm?" My eyes lit up like a jackpot winner's and I sprayed gleeful assurances that yes indeedy I was up for such a feat.

We tried to stay close, but the ebb & flow frequently pulled us apart as the fateful moment approached. I knew that Zac had the same odds of sticking near me as a kid in a candy store, so I hovered near him instead. As I suspected, there was no 2-minute or 1-minute or 30-second warning... suddenly the crowd focused its noise into "8...7...6..."

By "6" I had blocked off with Zac. By "4" we were up. By "1" we were solid. And on "Happy New Year!" we did a quick peck in an arm-to-arm. (I had bronchitis, so anything deeper was a bad idear.) We held it for a bit and did 2 more pecks just to make sure we were satisfied with our gnifty experience. It was truly awesome.

I don't know when it happened, but during one of the frequent trips to the Green Room hallway I noticed that the locked door was now open and brightly lit. I ventured into the stairwell that was revealed. There was a open-faced closet-space above the stairwell (which is where I stunted with Aspen a bit). The stairs led down to the basement/practice space, which was far more quiet than up top. I explored the fascinating Quiet Space and then returned to the fun.

I wandered past the cushion area and saw someone giving Noah a massage. I jumped in and started working his legs. His date (gorgeous) noticed, and proferred her legs for me. I was delighted and I worked her for a while as well. She had kind of a hungry look as she started to sit up, so I bolted. I was often thinking of Gaelen and missing her, and anytime a pretty girl looked at me consideringly I immediately created an exit and seized it.

Back on the Groove Bomb, I found Alex engaged with the Green Dress girl, who was introduced to me as Emily. It fits her perfectly. She is a vision of extraordinary rarity. Her face isn't classic-beautiful; it's much more interesting than that. Her mouth is a little too large, I think. When coupled with her eyes and nose and chin and cheeks it's absolutely entrancing - she is amazingly attractive. She was very friendly and my nervousness skyrocketed, because as I looked into her eyes I knew that I'd found The Girl of the party. It's the same thing I found at the Sprockettes Benefit when I saw Miranda - she was the one girl there for whom I'd sell my soul, betray my commitments, upstage my morals, and abandon my dignity. But Emily was something beyond the "normal" Temptation Girl. She was really nice, and genuine, and accepting. She didn't care about the dorkism that's afflicted me from birth. She was interested in me, not in my arms or my costume or my potential bankroll (which happens to be nil). She said something like, "I feel like I really need to talk to you."

Instinct seized me by the vocal cords and I foolishly let them blurt forth my thoughts without filtering. "It's really difficult to speak when faced with someone who is as beautiful as you are." I was thunderstruck; how could she think I was anything but false, after a cheesy opening like that!? I hastened to assure her that I wasn't hitting on her, but simply being honest. She seemed to believe me, but she also seemed a little more friendly than was justified after that. But how can someone tell that when the friendliness comes from someone so angelic? She could've slapped me and I'd've assumed it was meant flirtatiously.

But she wasn't pushing any boundaries, she was just very friendly and feely. I loved that; I was the same way. We snuggled up and Alex joined us and I fell in love with her in the space of about 5 minutes. I'd do just about anything for that girl and I just barely met her. Alex was feeling the same thing; he said, "Maybe it's just the drugs but I feel a tremendous connection here." I did, too, and I was tickled pink that we could all share it and Alex would happily relieve me of the burden of any romantic aspects. It was clear that Emily was fine with Alex as the designated romantor. We were the Three Musketeers for the rest of the night.

I apologized for being so blunt, and explained that even in the best of times I'm severely discretion-challenged. She asked if I'd answer any question at all with the truth and I nodded helplessly. She asked, "What is your best trait, or the thing that you do the best," and I shot out the answer immediately 'cause it's something I've often pondered: "I am best at loving others." Alex had tears in his eyes as he validated that, which really touched me to the core of my heart. It was a really wonderful thing for me to see him care about because it's really important to me, being the core of my being and all.

We shared some more bonding and then Alex stumbled off again and Emily spilled water down her cleavage. She began naievely fiddling and I turned away with an exclamation about how girls can't just go waving gorgeous cleavage around like that. She was quite amused and she bounced off to tell Alex while I recuperated from the near miss. I was having enough trouble keeping romance & lust from shouldering their way into my newfound love. I did not need unintentional cleavage factoring in.

Emily revealed that she's a musician. I'm thinking to myself, "Good Lord, this just keeps getting more and more amazing. She's the most nearly perfect woman I've ever met in my life. How can she possibly be any more angelic?" Those were my very thoughts; "angelic" was how I would have described her if limited to a single word. That's when she announced that her instrument of choice is a harp. Alex and I just kind of goggled. There was probably drool. She asserted that she had her harp with her. We stumbled over one another's tongues in our attempts to ask her for a performance. She happily agreed and we hauled ourselves, our angel, and her harp over to the stage.

It took a long time for her to get set up & tuned, and to arrange with the DJ to cycle in. Just as she was almost ready, another performer (part of the Kazum outer circle, in fact) came and took her microphone. She asked for it back, explaining that she needed it for her harp, but the other performer shunted her aside and left with the mic.

So, Emily played but we couldn't hear her over the noise. :( It was very frustrating but the karma of the evening was far too stoic to be easily blockaded. I'm a little dense, but karma kept pounding away at my obtusity until I eventually erupted in epiphone: "Aha! I've got it! I know a Quiet Place!" Alex looked at me in bafflement (this time I know there was drool 'cause I was lookin' right at it) but Emily simply nodded in trusting joy. I slobbered eagerly in response.

Did I mention how ecstatic we all were? It must've been a foolfest, but those involved were oblivious to such worldly external constraints.

We packed our act downstairs to the dungeonesque back room adjacent to the prison. I insisted that broken chickenwire indicated a storage space but Alex was adamant that it was obviously a prison, and Emily seemed entertained by that idea, so my knowledge agreed to subvert itself to my willpower and I now firmly believe that it was a prison. Love'll do that.

Alex and I chattered sappily as Emily prepared her harp for music. Then she began to play and we both took a little Happy Break from our thoughts. We were both standing, but about halfway through I managed to open my eyes and I saw that Alex had collapsed down into a crouch, supported by splayed hands on the ground.

It was one of the most amazing and heavenly things I've ever experienced. I couldn't even look at Emily; my heart just couldn't take it. But the sound... wow, the sound. She's not just a dabbler; she plays the harp well. I think that a violin might possibly rival a harp for pure beauty but a fiddle can't hold a candle to the ephemeral and otherworldly aura that harp music exudes. Alex and I felt ourselves being bound to Emily by powerful spiritual cords of silk and it was exquisite.

She seemed a little amused by our choked-up praise; she surely gets that a lot when she comes down to earth and regales mortals. We tried numbly to speak, but our voices were toadish in our own ears after the miraculous strains we'd been exposed to.

I asked Alex to share with us the poem he won a competition with. It's about 6 minutes and it's absolutely spectacular. As Emily put away her harp, Alex and I circled the basement and turned off the nearest lights so that we had near darkness for the poetry.

Listening to his voice as the poem rolled off of his tongue is probably the only thing that could've possibly followed Emily's harp performance without seeming pitifully ridiculous by comparison. Both times I've listend to Alex recite this poem I've been so caught up in the rhyme and meter and the brilliance of the words, that I've utterly failed to maintain enough mid-and-short-term memory to link it all together. It's about temptation, salvation and evil, but I couldn't tell you a summary, still, which shames me. But it's not because I don't pay attention! It's because I'm paying so much attention that the amazing details fill me up and push out the core plot of the piece.

After that I recited Annabel Lee. It was really fun; I love reciting poems as much as I love hearing them.

Alex and Emily were snuggling and I wanted to join them but I had also begun to hope very much that they'd fall in love (romantic love), and I knew that some privacy would probably facilitate this process. I went upstairs to pee, and I then made a short circuit of the nearby area, where I bumped into Uli, who was feeling like leaving sometime soon. I brought her down to say goodbye to Emily & Alex, and I discovered that Emily is her friend. Very cool.

The magical, musical, love-filled night had ended and the sun on its glaring way up. Breakfast smells were happening upstairs. Emily suggested that we accompany her to her house, and I'm sure that it's easy to imagine the bright-eyed glee that accompanied our joyful acceptance of this offer.

We all went back upstairs and bid our farewells. As we gathered our various things I remarked to Alex, "We're going home with the most beautiful girl at the party!" It struck me as funny but he just blinked; he's dim even at the best of times, poor boy. At least he has his physique.

I had a co-pilot on the drive to Emily's slice of heaven. Her friend Elizabeth whom I'd earlier spent some time stroking. Elizabeth was extremely nice and friendly, though she had to sit in back 'cause the mat was in front. During the drive I jabbered incessantly, mostly about Gaelen. Elizabeth surely thinks me a very odd fool, which is pretty close to accurate.

When we all arrived, Elizabeth scampered off to go hot-tubbing elsewhere. Alex & Emily & I relaxed onto the couch, stroking and cuddling one another. It was really wonderful. Emily asked if we had obligations, and Alex answered for both of us when he said, "There's nowhere in the world I'd rather be."

Alex eventually dozed off and Emily & I talked about him for a while. I revealed my not-so-subtle plan for them to fall in love and she said, "We'll see what happens." I said, "That's what he said," and he half-woke and asked, "Why would you wanna remember that?" which had nothing at all to do with what we'd been talking about. I guffawed and Emily made angelic laughing noises like the chiming of bells.

When Emily started fading away I suggested that Alex and I could let her be so that she could sleep. She asked why we'd want to do that, which was a wonderful question! I suggested that we could all pile into her bed and sleep and she was delighted. I asked if she often brought two men home from parties and she paused to think about it, which cracked me up. (The answer was, "no.") We all snuggled down and Alex dropped off again. Emily lasted a little longer. When I'd stroke her face it would light up in a beautiful smile and my heart would lurch. It was amazing.

After they both fell asleep I got up; my kids were at home and I would never be able to sleep with in a strange bed, anyway, especially not with others in the bed with me. I took a picture; it's ridiculously cute. Then I came home and played with kids & real life resumed.

But that was one of my most amazing, wonderful, loving nights ever. I was occasionally sad 'cause Gaelen was home being miserable, and I missed Gaelen frequently. But other than that the night was absolutely perfect.