Burning Man 2010 - Wednesday

On Wednesday morning Feather stopped by almost immediately - yay! I'd just showered (yay again!) and I was ready to wander a bit. Feather was with Michael, a really nice guy she'd met on arrival at BRC. He had mingled romantic/protective feelings for her, but he immediately realized that I wasn't gonna interfere with either, and he accepted me pretty well. I was overjoyed to see her - I had been concerned for her simply 'cause she was a daughter-figure for me. I felt way happier at BRC with someone to be responsible for (even though I wasn't *really* responsible for her). I'm terminally parental.

We wandered to Dawn's camp and saw her for a bit, then moseyed elsewhere - I don't recall where, specifically. Eventually we swung back through Suckie Fuckaye and I talked with Doc and Dawn for a time.

While talking to Doc in the morning, I had an epiphany. I mean, it's something I've known for years, but never before had it been so crystal clear how pervasive it was. Religion replaces meditation with prayer.

Doc was talking about meditation, which Dawn has also talked about, plus numerous others in my past. But I've never utilized meditation. People assume that's 'cause it's hard to learn how to meditate, but the truth is that I fear meditation. Emptying my mind sounds suicidal - no thoughts equals death, or so I'm convinced in my subconscious somewhere. The concept of trying to not think horrifies me. Doc was addressing this fear and he talked about some of the effects, benefits, etc. of meditation. I suddenly realized that what he was describing wasn't scary at all - it was simply communion with truth. 'Cept without a spiritual component, which is a shame but it's still pretty darn cool. Anyway, the times I've experienced what he describes as "meditation" are the times I've spent in earnest communication with God. So, obviously for me the religious person this means that meditation is mimicking prayer. And for the nonreligious person this means that I'm pretending there's a 2nd party present in my meditation, and that He takes part in it and communicates with me.

Anyway, it sure helps some things click into place in the question that so frequently gnaws at me, "How can spiritual, intelligent people avoid listening to the still small voice of truth?" So I wrote it down and wanted to be sure to record it somewhere.

Dawn arrived and joined our talk. Doc talked about some pretty deep stuff from his past, which was wonderful. I love windows deep into people. I shared some similar things, as well, which poor Dutch walked into unsuspectingly.

I also realized on Wednesday morning during the talk that I wasn't actually interested in hooking up with other women. I actually realized it on Tuesday night, but it crystalized on Wednesday morning as I talked with Doc and Dawn. I used to firmly believe that love and polyamory were mutually exclusive, but then Alex Dial entered my life and challenged my beliefs. I've wrestled with it since then, a lot, and after breaking up with Joey I decided to explore it for myself. Well, I didn't actually make much progress there (super-shy is a huge handicap for the poly-intentioned) but I did ponder it muchly and stay mentally and emotionally positioned to explore it. But then I finally, against strenuous protests, fell in love with Dawn, a week or so before the burn. And at the burn I realized that I wouldn't be betraying *Dawn* if I were to hook up. I'd be betraying my own heart. If a human is truly in love with another person, they lose the desire to copulate with other humans. It's awesome, wonderful and right, and it holds our society and our souls together. I've never heard anyone tell me differently who I honestly believed knew what real love was about. There are tons of people who feel strong emotions for others, get a huge payoff from others, etc. But not many of us experience real love, and those who do, don't have the desire to step outside of it for sexual gratification elsewhere.

It's a big relief. :) I may certainly still make mistakes - temptation eclipses love, for sure. I do hope that love will win out, though, when temptations arise. I'm much happier being in love than I've ever seen, heard of, or experienced from being self-gratified by a new romance. Aligning the soul, emotions and mind is way better than just aligning the emotions and the body, then trying to convince the mind to jump on board.

After the big talk with Doc & Dawn & Dutch, I said goodbye to Dawn. I was still pretty choked up with emotion from Tuesday night, 98% of which was my own baggage with little to do with Dawn. One of my baggage items is sensitivity to public displays of conflict. I super-hate fighting or even arguing in public. My parents kept their arguments very private, and they only ever fought one time in public (my dad only). I lost a tragic level of respect for him for doing that to her in public, and I gained enormous respect for her for walking away from it instead of engaging.

Anyway, I cannot stand public displays where my heart and emotions are exposed. That ain't for everyone to watch and gossip about. While Dawn was trying to say goodbye she was concerned about me, and kept trying to process or comfort, and as I got increasingly distant and isolated her concern increased... cycling back in and making things continue to worsen. I tried to interrupt and leave, but she wouldn't go nor let me leave. I tried to explain that I don't like to do things like this publicly, but she didn't understand and instead of getting the gist of it she kept trying to (publicly) clarify what I was talking about. I finally choked out, "Can I please go?" and she thought I had asked her to leave. I repeated myself a few times, ending with, "I have to go." She stumbled off crying, and I felt like the meanest and most broken person in the whole world.

I was so isolated and withdrawn by then that it was super-easy to simply put that in the "ouch" folder, and head off to stunt. One of the rare benefits of childhood abuse and addiction is an ability to immediately compartmentalize enormous trauma, and leave it there until it either bursts out or there's an appropriate time to be subjected to it.

So, I felt great by the time I got to Center Camp where we burst gloriously into the stunting scene.

I gotta admit some pride. I like lurking and stretching and warming while the acro folk do their thing. Their thing is pretty amazing - many of them are super-specialized and highly-skilled. Ground acro ain't easy at all. But when we start doing double-stunting, jaws drop like crazy. Not many people do double-stunting and almost *nobody* does adagio. Miranda showed up and that opened up the really cool tricks - Libs and Cupies and Extended Fulldowns. At one point we had Dutch and Doc, too, letting us do some adagio, Basket Tosses and other 3-person stuff. People were snapping pictures like mad, though I've not seen a single one other than a few of Dawn's.

I think it was Wednesday (or Tuesday) that we met Shanni. She's an aerialist who's done some stunting, and she quickly outstripped her base's capabilities. She was astounded at Dutch and I, and we did amazing things, from hand-to-hand to various double-stunts like Angel Fulldowns. Our first Angel Fulldown was nearly flawless, and as she cradled I watched her eyes bug out with overjoyed amazement. It's the same pop as an Angelbesque, which I do all the time with various fliers, so it's super easy to transfer to an Angel Fulldown. She was hooked immediately. She'd been thinking of moving to the west coast, and Dutch and I did our very damn best to convince her that Portland would offer her the best place for her talents. She'd be a shoe-in for Kazum's light flier position, and her personality is exquisitely appropriate for the group.

We met a bunch of stunterfolk, from bases to fliers. Jordan was great, and so was Morgan. They learned like mad. John was a heavy base with a year or two of experience and he was thrilled to get some additional training. There was also Scott, a super-experienced acro base with some pretty decent double-stunting skills as well. Plus a bevy of gorgeous flier-gals who were thrilled to get up on Dutch and I. If I were single and assertive I could glean a ridiculous amount of lovin' from my stuntery. It makes me glad I'm not either of those. :) Burning Man confirmed for me that the he-slut lifestyle just ain't for me.

In fact, I found myself almost entirely without arousal the entire time, despite being surrounded and often mounted by the most beautiful women I've ever before encountered, in the most revealing and sexy costumes imaginable. It was kinda just an overload. 'Twas sweet. I'm sure I'll find breasts sexy again sometime, but after a week of BRC, they're mostly just body parts. Beautiful and all, but not particularly alluring. I'm super-grateful that Dawn was there - occasional nights spent with her really allowed me to spend by burn being relaxed and in control, rather than being consumed by lust.

I came to Burning Man for the stunting, and I ate my fill. By the time I staggered out a few hours later (long after Doc & Dutch & everyone else had limped wimpily home) I was spent. I dropped my dust-colored bag and canteen and goggles and bandana, peeled my sweatmuddied sandals from my numb feet, and collapsed in my tent. No air mattress (I never bothered to blow it up) but I still went into a motionless state of relaxation approaching sleep. My mind was zipping along a million miles a minute, though. I worked through lots of the intellectual stuff from the night before, plus some stored-up stuff from pre-burn. I was too exhausted (emotionally and physically) to cry much, but I leaked a bit and that was very healing.

I spent an hour or two almost motionless. I could *feel* my body repairing itself, and I could also feel that my mind was missing out on the recharge.

Then it was night-time! I donned a suit - Blacksuit. I put on my OCF flame-mask, too. Blake took the 2nd Blacksuit. I was hoping to convince him to climb stuff with me, 'cause he's a human muscle. I did, too... wow, did that boy rock it out in the blacksuit.

We went out in a group. Emily, Dutch, Sara, Blake, Leah, Jay, me, and a few others. Jay is one of our stunting students - a cute little thing who's super-sweet. She has a man (Matt) who was stunting with us as well. I accidentally glommed onto her once and she assured me, "You can touch me!" So she became my stuffed animal, more or less... something warm and fun to touch. I pawed at her all night, and she responded in kind, but there wasn't arousal in it. It was wonderful, and the ambiance of the night was certainly impacted heavily by Jay. Thank you Jay!

Wednesday night saw my very favorite moment at Burning Man 2010. I walked up on Nexus' Tower of Babel rave stage and saw Dutch leaning out over the crowd from atop the left tripod. He was in dayglow spandex, a baseball cap, and his American Flag jacket. He was rocking out and leading the crowd's frenzied pulse. They were roaring as he spearheaded the beat, and he looked so in his element that it brought tears to my eyes. He was doing what he does in the best possible place to do it.

I had to join him. I bounced quickly up - acrobatics and stuntery has created spidermanlike climbing skills in me, to my delight. I'd just visited Dawn for a few moments and I was feeling great - supercharged and intoxicated. I slipped into my customary "Uh, what is a dork like me doing here?" line of thought, and suddenly my mental chain caught in the gears. I realized I was invisible - nobody could see my face. I was just a blackshape with flame eyes. I'm in good-to-excellent shape, due to biking & acrobatics, so I imagine I looked good. With the onus of my appearance removed, I discovered that if I let the music shake me, it would. So I did.

I doubt I looked cool or talented, but I hope desperately that I looked primal enough that it wasn't an amusing thing to watch "that guy" try to dance. I've seen that happen before and it anguishes me. But it didn't *feel* like that's what was going on.

Anyway, I spent the night experiencing, for the first time ever, what it's like to channel music through my body. It was a certain type of music - dub-step, I think it's called? The beat is supersteady and powerful, and now & then it fades and builds back up to a short pause followed by superthumping beat again. I rode the waves for hours, often looking over to see Blacksuit Blake doing the same thing on his tripod. I dangled from various limbs at various angles in different positions, just experimenting with what this new body I've built is capable of. I can (to my delight) hang from one kneepit, as well as from one hand. I can dance that way, in fact. I can hang upside-down and dance, though I'm not sure how much it's dancing and how much it's swaying & convulsing. Sure wish I could find one single picture or video of all the hang-dancing I did. *sigh* Blake sure looked cool doing it, but he already knew how to dance and he doesn't do it like I do. I wanna seeeeeeee!

Finally everyone began wandering home. I watched the sun come up with Blake from the top of the Suck 'n Fuck Saloon, then debated going to Dawn's camp. But I didn't wanna wake her, plus I was in a pretty negative space 'cause of the previous few hours (which weren't her fault at all). It turns out that she was missing me terribly right then and wanting to come see me, but was afraid she might find me with someone else. Poor Dawn - how sad and painful that must've been. :( Anyway, I crashed in my tent for a few hours of desperately trying to sleep, before becoming convinced that I was gonna miss my 1:00 stunting appointment at Center Camp. So I got up and got ready and found out it was only 10:30.

But that's the next day's story.

Burning Man 2010 - Tuesday

On Tuesday there was no dust. The rain had left the air moist, and it was partly cloudy and wonderfully un-hot.

Speaking of hot, the hottest girl in our camp (IMO) was Shauna - here's a random pic of her. Hm, I can't upload it so I'll just link - Shauna
Anyway, I walked out of my tent on Tuesday morning and saw her just standing up from leaving her tent. She was wearing a bikini bottom. She saw me and smiled and waved - it was one of the most breathtaking things I saw during the entire burn. Superhot eye-candy gorgeous mostly naked girl. I was supercharged with energy all day long from that.

We did a bit of stunting in camp, then we did some more stunting at the dance stage just up 4:30 from our camp. It was there that I stunted with an older lady (maybe 60 or so) who came up and asked if I could lift her. She was super-nervous and shaky, and she cautioned me repeatedly to be careful because her legs and ankles and feet were gnarled and twisted from past accidents. I put her through a succession of stunts, ending with a circus mount to shoulder-stand. She was ready to bawl, she was so appreciative. I was ready to bawl, too. I'm so grateful to so often be able to give people the gift of flight.

Next we circled over to Center Camp, where the stunting really took off. We met a bunch of stunters, including a guy I've been hearing about for years now - Lux. He flew some hand-to-hands, and showed us a cool twist-mount. He had Dutch hold him in a low H2H while trying to lie down - pretty sweet.

I also stunted with a blind man. His friend stunted with me first, then led him over to me. I guided him through a flag - at one point he looked a little concerned and informed me, "Um... I can't see." I had to chuckle - it was pretty obvious he was blind, and he must've been super nervous, but he did great. Watching his face as he held a blind Flag was amazing. He was really moved, and again it triggered a powerful appreciation in me that I get to facilitate that kind of emotion.

Thanks, Richard.

That night I went out for my first ramble with Dutch, Sara, Blake, Leah, Jay, Emily, and a few others - we were 8 for the bulk of the evening. Leah had some fun stuff, and it was Blake's first experience with that kind of thing. I was his trip-buddy all night, and we had a wonderful time. I can only remember a few of the things we did that first night, but it was a magical and bonding experience.

We did climb the supercool ball-on-column structure between Center Camp and the Man.

It was superfun; designed to be climbed. I really wanted to mantle up the top few rings and climb the *outside* but I'm not a good enough climber, by a long shot. So we went up the normal, inner route. I climbed around the inside of the top thingy, and then climbed down the ladder headfirst, which was pretty fun. I wanted to climb the outside part upside-down but it was a little too risky.

We moseyed back to camp eventually, around dawn. I got about 2 hours of visual-laced nap and then I was up again to prepare for stuntery. I came to Burning Man for stunting and I wasn't about to sleep through it, sleepy or no.

That first night's magic was amplified by Leah - thank you Leah! Blake and Sara and Dutch were my funbuddies. I love Sara, and I love having fun with her. Jay offered herself as my glom-buddy, and I snuggled and hugged and held her all night. It was superb - I had someone to touch and hold and be close to, without any lust or arousal. Deep gratitude for Jay! And for her boyfriend, who was okay with loaning his girl to be pawed at all night.

I bumped into Dawn as we wandered, on her people's artcar. The deal with Triceratops is tricky. Dawn's ex-husband, Nick, has been very polite to me, which is surprising. I'm New Boyfriend, and they're still divorcing and being wracked by the accompanying turmoil. They often exchange fairly vicious communications, and Dawn occasionally vents to me about Nick stuff. Luckily, I'm twice divorced plus I have years of support experience from recovery groups, and I can listen to the venom without being poisoned by it. Overall, I'm super impressed by Nick - Dawn's issues with him are personal things, not results of him being a bad person. He's displayed far less antipathy toward me than I could ever have hoped for. I have a pretty darn high opinion of the guy.

I also have some pretty good empathy for him. If I was freshly splitting, I wouldn't want New Boyfriend hanging around my people and my space. He's one of the bigwigs on Triceratops, and having New Boyfriend on his art car isn't something he's likely to want. I totally get that, and I respect his space as much as I can. I don't wanna crowd his space nor his people. I see them fairly often when he's not around, and they're wonderfully accepting of me. I don't need to invade his space too much.

Unfortunately, at Burning Man that means that Dawn can either hang out with her people, or with her boyfriend. We spent a surprising amount of time together, but mostly we couldn't simply 'cause she's got her crew and she didn't really want to hang with me and my crew. Now & then she spent a few minutes with us, but the vast bulk of her time was spent with her people (and Nick). It's sad and unfortunate but it sure ain't Nick's fault. If anything I feel sad that she so often prioritizes her friends over me... but it's not at all as if I wish she'd make me a higher priority. It's like if she had kids that I couldn't be around for some reason - I wouldn't resent that at all, even though it would make me sad.

She did finally agree to transfer herself into my care, though. Mostly she was worried about leaving Triceratops, which provided an easy-to-find safe place and ride. But she ventured out with me, Dutch and Sara. I needed to re-find Blake, so I told Sara and Dutch that she was all messed up and asked them to keep an eye on her. Sara snorted at me and walked off - she's all about selfish gratification, especially when she's drunk. Dutch shrugged helplessly - he's all about catering to Sara's childish whims. By the time I got back 15 minutes later they'd totally lost Dawn. I should've known that would happen, and never left, and I was furious with myself for that.

I spent the rest of the night looking for Dawn. I circled the Raver Death Camp (aka the Nexus Pyrosphere) for a few hours, cycling back and forth between the Tower of Babel. I climbed stuff, 'cause it's way easier to be seen on a high place than to see others. But I never did find her. I assumed she'd returned to Triceratops (she had) and she was safe (she was) but I couldn't shake my worry. It was a pretty miserable few hours other than when I occasionally got distracted enough to forget about losing my girl.

I did have fun, though. Climbed on stuff, stunted some, saw lots of neat things. I eventually left with Dutch & Sara. As we crossed the playa I noticed Triceratops coming up somewhat behind us. I made the mistake of mentioning my regret that I couldn't go see if Dawn was on board. Sara set off to stop them and get on board, or at least check for Dawn. I told her not to, because I wanted to stay out of Nick's art-car, and not affect it. She told me that was stupid and walked off. I nearly grabbed her and pulled her back, but I'm not much of a person for physical restraint unless it's seriously important... and Sara's blind interference in my personal life wasn't important enough. I told Dutch I absolutely did not want Nick's art-car stopped on the playa by the drunken friends of his wife's new boyfriend. He shrugged helplessly and followed Sara. I could hear her shouting, "Is Dawn on there!?" as I booked it in the opposite direction. I was hoping to minimize the impact, plus I just didn't want to be around while something that horrified me so was taking place. I've rarely been that furious at Sara.

I followed the art car back toward Triceratops camp, and hurried ahead to be in Dawn's tent when it arrived. Instead it didn't, and I laid there for a few hours until it *did* arrive, after the sun had risen. I was in a terrible place by then. :( I was worried sick about Dawn, plus upset that she consistently chooses to heavily use with her "healthy habits friends" instead of spending time with her "unhealthy habits boyfriend". Not so much upset at her... I think it's good that she's able to choose friends over boyfriend, instead of acting out of obligation. But it's still painful and upsetting, even though I'm glad that she's choosing what she wants rather than what I want. I was also absolutely furious with Sara for infringing on Nick's art car after my vehement protests. Plus I was exhausted and I knew I needed my strength but without resolving where Dawn was I couldn't sleep.

So when Dawn came in she wanted to talk and process and snuggle but I just wanted to make sure she was okay and then go back to my tent and try to crash for a bit. I knew there was no way I could sleep in her camp with all the angst I was going through, and I really didn't want to process at her camp, a few feet from dozens of her friends. Public drama is not something I cope well with, when it's avoidable. She, however, wanted to talk and process and vocalize stuff. I asked her a few times not to, but her need was a lot greater than my requests, so I just froze up and endured as she talked and talked. Almost everything she said impacted me personally, as if she was trying to hurt me. I knew she wasn't, of course, but I simply couldn't process each new "attack" fast enough to avoid the next one. After about an hour I was ready to burst into tears, scream at her, or simply sprint away into the playa and curl up somewhere blessedly alone and without antagonization. I finally convinced her to let me leave, and it was okay that she came with me - we were out walking through BRC, talking about what we were seeing instead of trying to process. That was fine. And that's how Wednesday began. :)

One of the things that Dawn said that really hurt was, "I figured you'd abandoned me so I went back to my friends." It's good to know, but it's painful. I'm terribly overprotective of people I care about, 'specially when they're messed up. When she didn't see me she immediately figured I'd abandoned her, but instead I spent the rest of the night looking for her and agonizing about where she was. How can we be in love if she assumes I'd ditch her so easily... I don't think she knows me very well, nor that she has a very high opinion of me. And a lot of that is my fault - I sell stupid avidly as a habitual part of my interactions, and almost everybody buys it up quickly. Of course she buys what I sell her, even though I don't mean to sell it to her. So that angst was of my own making, and I'm working through it.

Okay, enough about Tuesday. :) I do want to call out that on Saturday I stopped by the Temple for half an hour or so, and had a good cry about all the sadness and other "negative" emotions I'd been stuffing until I could deal with them. It was very healing and healthy, and I didn't take any of the caustic, poisonous stuff with me away from Black Rock City.