Circus & Relationship let-down blues

So, breaking up with Joey was tough and painful 'cause I deserved it and I hurt her. But then I had lots of busy-ness going on with working for Creature, stunting a ton, and prepping for the San Francisco trip. Facebook is a reminder of the painfulness - pictures of Joey and comments from Joey. But part of my busy-ness included no real online access. So, I was mostly distracted.

Now I'm back into the normal, boring old groove of my life. And now I'm missing Joey a lot, as well as missing the distraction & fun & emotional balm of circus camaraderie.

Despite that, I never quite find myself wishing that Joey and I were still together, somehow. I'm not 100% sure why that is, especially since she stopped drinking and that was one of the biggest challenges I had in our relationship.

I do keep finding myself wishing I'd just broken things off instead of stepping out and betraying the relationship. :( That really eats at me. Dutch and Sara are great at reminding me of that, which I appreciate. I don't want a free pass, or to be distracted instead of hurting. I want to shoulder the consequences of my choice and be impacted by them.

In San Francisco I got lots of snuggling and fun. Amanda came out to see me, and she had clearly designated herself as my arm-candy. Very friendly, dancing with me, always standing next to me - it was wonderful. But Dutch's "No Action for Two Weeks" decree weighed on me. It turns out that Amanda wasn't there to sleep with me, anyway - she was just arm-candy. I'm not gonna claim 100% satisfaction with that... but all things considered I'm really glad it worked out that way. Sex with guilt attached wouldn't have been good. There was enough guilt about just the cuddly stuff & kissy stuff.

It was also nice to be attached. There were a bunch of hungry-eyed ladies at the show, and they were smiling at us Kazum boys like panthers eyeing a couple of plump bunny rabbits. I don't want to experience rock-star style casual hookups with hot babes. It freaks me out. I like people way more than I like flesh, and casual hookups are about flesh way more than they're about people.

Getting to know Jess & Brandy & Brittanie was super fun. Again, there wasn't any romantic pressure there - none of 'em are at all interested in me for whatever reason, so I can relax and just hang out with them. Yay! The AWOL girls were crazy fun. Spending the car ride back with Brittanie was also way fun. She was raised Mormon, and it's tough to see her as a hot girl now. At the same time, she's super attractive to me - I understand Mormon girls, very much, and I really bond well with them. That makes me (mostly) glad that she's too young for me and uninterested in me, to boot.

Lulu was really friendly at the show, as well. She's been friendly in the past, and I always seem to have a relationship or a date at the time. Lame. I'd love to kiss Lulu. Even more, though, I'd love to hang out with her and get to know her. I only ever see her at big festive parties and afterparties.

I also love hanging out with Anna. Again, she's not at all interested in me for whatever reason, and that leaves us free to snuggle and cuddle and hang out without any romantic pressures. :) She's another girl that would be big trouble if she liked me.

Adrienne is another matter. She used to go on at length about how much she wanted to be my lover, but since reconnecting with her after breaking up with Joey, she's not been at all romantically forward. Maybe it's just Dutch's hostile "Two Weeks!" energy. But it's for the best, I think... as Dutch would say, I don't deserve rebound action. And, painfully, I agree with him.

But I've been dating someone or other for the last year or so, and I'm into my 2nd week without any lovin's. It's difficult. And that's okay. If I strive to be honest with myself, that's even excellent. Just tough.

This somehow turned into a "list the girls I'm crushing on" kind of post. Lame.

Back to the circus. :)

I wanna be on the Wanderbus more in the future. The car is great! But it's just got less people to get to know. I did enjoy reciting my entire repertoire of poems while driving through northern California in the early AM. Everyone else was asleep (though Andy caught some of it) which lets me just relax and not be nervous about soliloquizing. I'm oddly shy for someone who's so often spammy and powerfully extroverted.

Playing drinking games with Dutch and Uli and the AWOL ladies was spectacular. I didn't spend much time with my all-time favorite AWOL girl on this trip, sadly - Alysia was usually doing things where I wasn't. :( But she was quite adequately entertained, as was I, and I sure hope that we'll resume our hanging-out patterns now again despite the interference of a certain Kazumite who's started monopolizing her time. :)

I didn't spend much time with Uli or Miranda, either. On Kazum-only tours we get way more time together. I can't wait for more of that. I love those girls very much.

Brittany Walsh is a stunt-goddess! She also doesn't know how to say "no". Pretty much the perfect girl for me. Off-limits, super-stunty, no inhibitions about stunting. Right on.

I feel bad, as though I stole Kae's dream girl. Amanda came for me, and was there to be my date, but both Temple and Kae were crushing on her pretty hard (and who wouldn't be, good heavens).

I really need to blog out a chronological order of events for this trip, for my own memory if nothing else. And... Clover just called and I need to go pick up my bike. So, this is the end of this disjointed ramble.

I miss Zac. *sigh* And Alex. Why can't they both live close by again? I haven't had a best friend for months, now.