Mental Meanderings

Nothing to really document, just looking for a place to vomit up what's on my mind lately.

First of all, Holy Diver (DIO) and Play With Me (Extreme). These two songs provide the bulk of my ambition to learn to play an electric guitar. I've blistered my fingers on GH and RB, and I think that the transition to actual lead isn't gonna be too tramatic for me. Plus I've got a son who's obligated to assist. All I need is sufficient stability to justify putting $100 or so into an electric guitar and amp. Meaning, knowing where I'll live for long enough to feel like I can set up fancy guitar stuff.

My plans for stability involve converting Creature's attic into my room. Mostly it's the upper window - when I first saw the house it called to me powerfully. "Live HERE!" it said. That's way better than "Death awaits within" or "Run now", which are two of the more common haunted-house messages. Anyway, Creature's offered to let me install the Alice In Wonderland door (the White Rabbit's escape route) in the ceiling above the stairtop. Then there'd be the equivalent of a pullup bar in the opening, requiring the hopeful entrant to pike and kip up into the room itself, unless a suitably trained acrobat happens to be nearby to lift and assist. The only drawback I can see is that it'd be tough to show my room to my mom (who is short and stout) and if I ever take an injury (like the spinal vertebrae slips I'm prone to) I can't get into my room.

I got chewed out by Doc, Alysia, and Doc's good friend Ursula, for voicing my concerns about Doc & Alysia's dating. Doc (bless his heart) asked me to meet with him to discuss it. I like that - he took the bull by the horns. I totally respect that, and it was a good meeting and I think we're pretty much squared away as long as I stop sharing my opinions & concerns. That's cool; I gave back some of the crap that *I* took when I was dating a teenager last year. I also got to express to both Doc & Alysia why I (and others) are concerned. That's about as much as one can hope for in these situations, so I feel well served. Ursula was pretty hostile, but I think we resolved that via private messaging, so overall I'm delighted with how things turned out. They'd prefer I'd remained silent like the bulk of those who have concerns... but I think that actually *hearing* the concerns is good for 'em, so I'm happy.

Things with Dawn are spectacular. Except that Dutch (whose sense of dudeaic chivalry is grossly underdeveloped) is now introducing Dawn as my girlfriend. That makes me goad her to hook up at LIB (I offered her Alex, and he's a sweet gift) so that I don't feel compulsed to hook up, myself. I just don't wanna see our relationship spiral into "you're not making me happy" which is what the last few relationships I've had have spiraled into. I blame my lifestyle, though of course that's partially a coward's way out - I *could* be a good boyfriend *and* a circus acrobat. I just *don't* seem to do both, very well. Maybe it's the girl - but I think the bulk of the responsibility lies on my shoulders.

Uli was surprised recently when I beat her to the punch in explaining that my Funseeking is just a new version of my old escapes from emotional negativity. She mentioned that often I already know what the issues are 'cause I'm pretty self-aware. It was really validating to hear that - I'm used to recovery spaces where people praise that acquired skill heavily. In the Real World it's often assumed to be nonexistent. I miss places where I wasn't Selling Stupid quite so often, and I get to exercise the part of me that not many people get to see. The smart part. In the circus circuit I sell Stupid way too frequently and it's become a crutch for me. It's just so much easier this way, though.

No LIB for me. That's mostly okay. I can't afford it, and I always feel sad and disappointed when I trade off Boyweekends for Fun. Amanda is a no-go... she is the most screened lover I've ever had, I think. That's fine, but it makes me feel a little sad & used. She doesn't mind being my date when things are secret or safe, but I'm a back-burner kind of guy to her and I've got enough self-esteem/ego to not enjoy that. Mostly I just yearn to hang out with Alex. He homesteaded quite a few acres of my heart and I miss him desperately. Zac, too... those guys are my guy lifemates but both of 'em headed off for distant ports.

I miss Jem, too. I keep almost going over there but then I have other obligations that intervene. I also feel like there's some underlying hostility. It seems to have matured during the Joey breakup but I think there's more to it than that. I love Jem but I have a hard time being around folks who are upset with me. Part of it is selfless - I don't like being a negative influence, at all. But a bigger part is selfish - I dislike being around people who are upset/concerned with me. And Jem has issues (very valid issues) about my lifestyle, my hypocrisy, and my selfishness. It's not so much that I wanna dodge that... it's more that I'm aware of the issues and I feel mostly helpless to affect 'em. And trying can have catastrophic results. Funseeking works way better than any of my other band-aids. I fear mucking with it.

I sure do love my job. Within a class or two I become the favorite Coach of my students. Parents love me. And I thrive on teaching kids to learn. The gymnastics stuff is fun, for sure... but mostly what I like is building young minds. Each time I praise a kid, they glow, and I love it. Instead of moving data around for some corporation to make more money, I'm building youths into adults. I never thought I could do that safely but finally at long last I have confidence in my ability to do so. I much prefer kids and parents to a cubicle and Excel.

I kinda wish my body would hurry up and break down. I've had a helluva run in the circus acrobat gig and I'm satisfied. I don't believe that I can uphold my actual moral convictions in this lifestyle, and I sure do miss the peace and serenity and reverence that accompany a *good* lifestyle. I'm really enjoying the "don't hurt others while seeking self-gratification" kind of life. It's so odd to me that so very many people embrace it as the ultimate morality... I'm continually boggling. But it's where I've finally accepted being, and it's got everything other than true happiness, so what am I complaining for, eh?

I've met so many wonderful people and I wish I were providing an example of what I believe in. I'm a good enough guy and I suppose I should be happy that's recognized... but compared to the *real* good people I'm a shameful farce, and it amazes me how little is required to earn a "good guy" label in the society in which I'm immersed. The Robert Parks and Jerry Christiansens of the world are truly rare. I'm deeply grateful to have had so many astoundingly *good* people in my childhood. And, of course, leading that list is my mama-san. She's coming to visit soon and I'm really excited! :)

I'm gonna go look up chords for Holy Diver now (it's been alternating with Play With Me, which is a bit much to bite off as an Intro To Lead project).

Friendly Fire weekend

I had the boys this weekend, and kept them at my place (in Creature's house) for the first time. It went well. Creature and Charisse weren't really around at all. We broke out inline skates and the scooter, plus they loved mowing the back lawn with a push-mower. Alex was here, too, and he helps immensely with his little brothers. He's wonderful.

On Saturday he took 'em to Saturday Market until Open Gym. Then we moseyed off and played at the house until Parents' Night Out. I was supposed to be performing at Friendly Fire, but I'd forgotten to take PNO off. :( I finally reached the final non-committed alternate coach (Shaunice) but she has a vertebrae out of place in her back. I hooked her up with Dutch, and he helped her a lot, so that she could spell me off on PNO. Yay!

I hauled the boys down to the venue, and changed into the Spiderman costume that Dutch provided for me. It was awesome! I began climbing things, and people started snapping pictures. I looked at one and it amazed me - normally it's odd and a little neat when I hang from things, but in the Spiderman suit it was spectacular. I climbed on the Groove Bomb and hung from a yardarm up there - sweet. I really hope I can track down a few pictures from that night.

Things were chaotic (amateur fundraising gig) so Kazum didn't get to perform in the early show. I hung out so that the boys could watch fire spinning while I climbed on stuff as Spiderman. I hefted 'em up onto the Groove Bomb to watch, which they enjoyed. Other than that, they were pretty unimpressed by Spiderdad. *sigh* Ungrateful little sods. :)

I ran them home and caught a ride back (with my bike) with Alex's stepdad Michael. He took a few shots, and then I bolted inside to perform with Kazum. I did some handstands in the Spideysuit, which was way fun. Then we gathered at the (split-level) stage to wait. We saw Dave Clay do a killer homeless spongebath routine. Then we were on.

Dutch and I tried to pull down the aerial hoop but we couldn't. So I put Petra up and she took it down quickly. Then Kazum was on - but we had to sweep down the floor with our hands because of staples and other debris. It was a rocky start. Once we started, things went pretty well, though. We did the first portion of Death Blossom. We had to pull the basket-toss a lot, and Miranda and I did a stand-full-down rather than from an extension. Overall it went quite well!

Then we ran off to drink and stuff. Dawn was there, and I danced with her a few times but mostly I was doing my circulate-among-pals thing. I approached several folks with my Spiderman mask on, and made them nervous for a bit. Charisse was the most fun - she finally said, "Dude, you're almost groping me here and I don't even know who the hell you are." I leaned in and said, "I live with you." Then she laughed and hugged me. We talked for quite a bit. She's found a new place, and she's moving forward. I'm really glad - I want her to be happy again.

I stunted with several new folk, which was fun as always. Adrienne kept making me do chairs despite my fuzzy mind, but they kept turning out really good. It was a way fun party. I hung upside down from various things. I really wanna see some of the pictures of that. I also did some testing of the effects of alcohol on balance - I held some killer handstands that defied intoxication. Right on.

I ran into Nicole, though at first I didn't recognize her. She was polite, but reserved and uncomfortable. Made me sad - I wanted to get to know her but now it's all weird. *sigh*

I finally left with Dawn to go to an afterparty with her at Ron & Kathy's super sweet house on the hill. It was fun to meet all of her people, but I was shy and they don't know me at all. They were very nice but I need to spend lots more time with them before they know anything about me so that I can relax a bit.

Then Dawn and I spent the most amazing few hours I can recall ever spending with a woman. Mindblowing. Got no sleep, but that's okay. I called Alex at 6:30 to provide the little boys with access to breakfast. Then I came back home and we played together for a while.

They wanted to go to Jem's place, but I had to bathe and feed them first. I tossed 'Topher in the tub as well, and then we headed out. Creature's car had the van parked in, though, so we had to walk about 2 miles to the MAX stop. Then we missed the transfer 'cause I was reading The Great Hunt to 'em instead of paying attention. We walked back to Pioneer Square, pausing for another meal at Carl's Junior. But when I called Jem to confirm coming out to Beaverton, he was upset. I think it was mostly 'cause it took us 2 hours to walk/MAX to where we could catch a Blue Line. But it also seemed like he was upset that I would ask if Jer & Nathan could bathe or shower at his place. He said something about using him to pretend to Heather that they were in a stable environment. I'm not sure what that's about, but I didn't want to try to figure it out via phone while the boys waited, so we canceled. They were sad, and they didn't want to hang around downtown so I called Dawn and we went out to her place. We rented "Where the Wild Things Are" and had a nice supper at her place. Then Heather picked 'em up and I headed to Circus Class.

It was a great class. I came home afterward instead of finding Wild Fun - I was exhausted and for the first time in a long, long while, I was all Funned out. Mostly I just didn't have any Wild Fun offers, though. I woulda gone out if there had been something to do.

My weekends are so often full of wild excitement and people I love and stunting and limelight. It's a nice contrast with the humdrum of my weekly life. Well, my afternoon and morning life. My evening life is usually full of awesomeness. Even my job is full of awesomeness. I love teaching kids, and they dig me. So do the parents. I really love my life. I wish that I could live it while still holding true to my convictions. But it's a lot better living my life (sans convictions) than it was living a much more sedate version of my life and *trying* to hold to my convictions while failing miserably. Now I just fail in much more enjoyable ways.

I do really miss inner peace and reverence and lasting happiness. Not that I've often achieved these things - but I used to at least be anxiously engaged in seeking after them. Now I'm mostly just engaged in non-impactful hedonism.

Crazy fun weekend

On Friday Kazum had two shows.

The first was from 6 to 7 for New Avenues for Youth. It was a fundraiser or benefit or something. Lots of ritzy folk in nice clothes. There were a few kids - two brightly glowing girls of about 8 and 11 watched us with huge eyes and much clapping. They made that gig for me - it's hard to entertain to the level that these kids were obviously feeling. I pulled 'em up and stunted with 'em, and they got our autographs, and we took a group photo with 'em. If I was reading things right, we were the high point of these girls' year 2010. What an amazing experience and honor.

We ran through very nearly every stunt we do in that hour. It was awesome. Those folks got quite a bit of bang for their buck - 7 acrobats throwing an hour's worth of crazy stuntery. Yay!

Then we scampered to the Bossanova - oh how I love that venue. It was Wanderlust's Wild Woman - the first of 4 monthly installments. Jem was there - yay! :) So were several of my students. Jessica the stunt addict, Kendra and Caitlyn whom I've had a crush on for weeks, Gregory the super-in-shape climber from my adult tumbling class. Just before the show started I saw Joey walk in and sit down by Jem. It was odd - but I was happy to see her there. I kinda hoped that maybe she was less - distant-if-not-hostile. After the show I said hi and told her I was glad she'd come. She was ice-cold and monosyllabic and I backed off in confusion and just kind of avoided interacting with her the rest of the night. She was warm & friendly to everyone, but didn't look at me or acknowledge my existence again the rest of the night. It's odd to be treated that way - but understandable and certainly acceptable. Just kinda surreal and ... odd.

We did our own makeup, and Alysia really came through with some TMNT-style eyemask-looking makeup. And then we were on.

The first bungle was my shoulderstand on Dutch's feet. We barely held it and I was off on timing 'cause I was pretty sure I was about to have to shoulder-roll out of a drop.

Next, I missed a throw-to-stand with Miranda. I'm almost sure it was my fault. We *never* miss those - except twice now in shows. *sigh* We hurried it back up there and threw the full-down from half-mast. :( Still cool. But after an obvious drop.

I followed this bungle with a failed calf-pop on Dutch. A *calf-pop*. Halfway up I decided it was good enough to go to foot instead of knee, per our usual MO. It wasn't; I bailed right in an obvious fail. I hopped right back up and pulled a wobbly Chinese Star (aka Diamondhead) up. HUGE crowd reaction. They nearly blew me over. That's when I realized that this crowd was super-enthusiastic.

The last drop wasn't me, at least. Doc was having a hell of a tough night with muscle fatigue. He and Dutch couldn't manage the arm-to-arm, and thought we got a good calf-pop, he put all he had into that and we didn't have time to extend. Probably for the best; we would've had slim odds of holding it.

Other than the drops, the routine was awesome. It could've been a *superb* performance. Instead it was only good with occasional flubs. I think we all felt good overall, though.

Lions came quick; we had to slap-dash the final makeup on. Then Miranda & James were late so Noah & Uli and I had to kinda vamp for a while. Once we got going, though, it felt like Lions was energetic and wild. Two people have given high props to Miranda's leoninity. She was rockin' it out there.

It all hit, felt sharp, and felt in character. A good-to-great Lion performance, for sure.

Final bows was a Big Sexy, with Clover. We rocked it and the crowd roared. Yay!

Then it was time to circulate and mingle. A girl I dated last week was there, so she became my date for the rest of the evening. It was wonderful... she didn't mind at all that I'm social butterfly boy with a billion little sisters.

As the afterparty plans gelled it became apparent that Joey was coming to Wackolicious. Same situation - odd and awkward with the stone-cold silence, but probably only for me and I can cope, so good for Joey for staying integrated with my entire world without requiring a tie through me to do it. She seemed to have much fun, and she's awesome friendly to everyone who ain't cheated on her recently, so my bit of awkwardness can be dealt with.

Still, it was tough. I didn't want to not be on a date in order to avoid making out in front of my old girlfriend. And I didn't want to not stunt, or not bounce about, or not talk with people she's talking with. I really don't think she wants me to drop out of my own scene on her account... she isn't like that. I think we're both able to deal with the awkwardness, and everyone else can follow our lead just fine.

So, I bounced from loved one to loved one. I asked Creature at one point if he was making good decisions and he gave me a baffled, "I don't know!" It turns out he had Noah's thumbs-up, though, and it was all good.

Jess and Brandy were hilarious. They get aggro, a bit - I saw Jess punch Brandy in the chest. When I laughed, Jess looked at me and roared, "What, yeah, I punched her boob!" Cracked me up. They both ended up a little too tipsy to drive, and they bumped into Noah. When he heard their plaintive cries of, "We need someone to take us home," he gallantly shushed them - two gorgeous drunken acrobats desperately in need of a ride somewhere. I assigned Bre the job of driving them home, and gave her permission to do with them as she would.

I stunted with Brittany but only briefly. :( Anna and I stunted bunches, and I stunted with Caitlyn a lot as well. Dutch stunted with Joey, which warmed my heart. I don't want her to feel left out or upstaged or challenged or anything.

It was a wild, crazy, fun night. :)

Then we started winding things up. My date talked me into coming home with her even though it was way too late and I had to work at 8:45 in the morning. Then I discovered that she was giving Jem and Joey a ride out to Jem's in Beaverton.

It was so surreal having my injured ex-girlfriend be my virtual chaperone right up to the door of my 2nd date since our breakup. It should've felt downright stalkerish. It didn't; I trust Joey very much not to be freaky. Plus, she's still cold sober and a pretty different Joey than I knew and loved. I think its awesome.

Just *so* weird to have an estranged ex-GF in such close proximity at a very Scott event, up to the ride home with my date.

I got up early and my ladyfriend gave me a ride to the gym in plenty of time for class. At noon-thirty Creature & Noah & Uli picked me up for our afternoon gig - the Ladies' Red Hat Society pre-Cirque show. It was a smashing success: they loved All About Love, as well as Russ & Sugar Cane. Brittany got a standing ovation - very very cool.

Uli and I each took a third of the proceeds, and put the other third into the fund. Way cool to have enough money to get food and make a payment on my student loans.

We all hung out for a while, then I went on a 3rd date with the mystery girl. I'm hoping to keep her identity quiet 'cause lots of my people know her and I don't wanna be the center of a soap-opera kind of situation. I just want to go on dates with girls and not try to be caught up in a relationship. Not right now. Who knows where I'll be living next month. I can't afford Creature's rent without working for rent - even if I had a big room and running water, it's too much and I can find much cheaper for the same space. Anyway - I wouldn't wish me on any girl right now as a boyfriend.

Sunday was mostly chill and lazy. Went to the park for a picnic - very fun. Went to a healing meeting with various hippy/green/goddess ladies. It was awesome. Got some essential oils.

Then I headed into Circus Stunting class with Clover. I went over to her place afterward and hung out with her and Caitlyn. We watched the first episode of Firefly - excellent. :)

Today was mad stuntery. My adult gym class was awesome, and Doc & Jess & Alysia stayed after for about 3 hours. We stunted like mad, and did gymnastics and took pictures and video. Superfun! :)

Now I'm at home. Tomorrow I'm gonna do the last bits of work around the house for rent, and then the work's dried up. :(

I sure love my life, though. It's amazing and I want to wallow in it while it's lasting.

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - Meeting the Statues

When breakfast started happening we stumbled out and got ready for the day. After a shower I always feel super-better. There was markedly little stunting - a lot of people drank a lot the night before. I didn't; booze is delightfully more and more not my thing. I'm very glad of that.

So, amid the groans, I felt pretty darn good. Also, my wonderful Amanda returned to hang out with all of us. Everyone seemed to like her - though I suppose I only saw her meet and talk with a few folks. I'm lousy at judging other people's interactions, anyway, unless I'm watching closely.

There's always been kind of a rule - if you're dating someone then you can vouch for 'em to be part of the Circus family. At least, if you're placed high enough on the food chain. It really helps if they're helper-people, like Clover. Or if they're super-cute, like Clover.

We all kicked about until finally loading up our gear and bodies into the bus, which was an oven. It turns out that Amanda drives a sexy black Jaguar. I can't figure out what the hell this girl sees in me, honestly. I'm not arm-candy, my haircut was given by Uli in the parking lot on Saturday morning, I'm flat broke, and I can't dance. Seems like a California hottie driving a Jaguar would drive right past, right? Maybe I'm a ticket to the Circus, or like Dutch says, maybe I'm just that good in bed.

My opinion is that I talk to her like she's not a supermodel - she always blinks when I call her on shit, like she's not used to it. But she responds well to it - a super-attractive trait for me. I've lately dated a lot of girls who aren't at all interested in hearing a damn thing about my insights into what I would describe as their flaws. Few people are - another weird thing about this new culture. I used to spend the bulk of my time interacting with people who were earnestly seeking out their own flaws and striving for self-improvement. But in the big ol' world it's really rare to find anyone interested in another person's criticisms. And why would anyone be? The big ol' world is full of people whose insight is all chock full of ... what do the AA folks call it? Stinkin' thinkin'. Heh.

So, maybe Amanda likes being dealt with beyond her hotness. She seemed to, up in Portland. Or maybe I'm a nice guy and she responds to that. Or maybe we have lots of fun together and she digs the funseeking stuff. Or maybe I'm sexier than I realize. Girls tell me with straight faces that I'm handsome. Amanda did see me a lot in makeup and costume, and people are way, way sexier in makeup and costume.

Doesn't matter. She really digs me and I am glad. The sexy stuff is bonus. Was bonus. Might be bonus again. We might bump into one another again. My fingers are crossed. She's a pretty amazing girl.

So this amazing girl drives me in her hot sports-car to American Steel where the statues hang out. She brought snacks and wine - she doesn't drink. Supercool date.

I suited up in green coveralls and gloves 'cause I fell for the prank that I had to do so. I looked like a big green frog up there, and it was beastly hot. Nobody else who climbed on it had to suit up. It was probably Creature who made me dress up, that bastard.

I shimmied up the statue and tried out the things I'd been so eager to try out. Just positions and locations and relative distances. Trying to get ideas for what we can do on this fella. He's crouchy - there's a picture somewhere I know it.

He's all coated with thick cable that's got wires sticking out. They're sharp and strong and there's no easy way for us to crawl around on the statues. The crew who maintains them can buff them somewhat, but mostly we'll have to build some platforms.

His head is strong - I stood on it. I would love to see Brittany handbalancing up there, or one of us doing a handstand off it to a cradle below. I also wanna do some leaps down to thick padding. But mostly we'll using the platform on the shoulders, and jumping off (and maybe on).

After our exhausting 10-minute exploration of the statue we needed some rest, so we retired to the sunshine out back to stunt. There's a FaceBook picture from that time, yay! I'm holding Amanda, with my gut bulging out. Dutch claims I've a six-pack, but I've yet to see it. Brittanie is in the back, with Jay & Dutch & Tiari to the side.

Russ shared some excellent whiskey and coke, and I felt nicely buzzed for the rest of the evening. Thank you Russell!

Then we split up a bit. Tiari and Brittanie came in Amanda's car with us, and we went shopping. *cringe* I shoulda realized that taking off with 3 girls would mean shopping. It was fun hanging around with them between shopping sprees. :)

We met up with Dutch, Creature, Clover and Andy and hung out on Haight & Ashbury. That was pretty fun, but nothing exceptionally fun happened, really. Just lots of great company and chatting.

We rejoined the bus and waited as folks trickled back from wandering about. I got to make out with Amanda for a few delicious moments. I do like that girl. And she's super-responsive.

Creature decided to change his pants directly in front of Clover's car. She wasn't about to let that opportunity slip past, so she flicked on her lights to spotlight him. A minor funny moment, but memorable nonetheless.

Then it was time to bid adieu to my dream-date. Amanda had to take off. I hope to see her again, but part of her magical charm is that she's temporary. I think she'd be serious trouble if she were nearby.

We piled on the bus and headed out. A friend of Creature's had offered to give us a big meal and party, and we indulged in both. It was a great place, and some of our hosts friends came to party, too. They drank a lot (as did we) and some of them got kinda surly (as we did not). I missed most of that, thank heavens. I was chatting with various people all about, and drinking a bit.

At around midnight the bus loaded everyone up except me, Clover, Andy and Brittanie. We were the occupants of Susie-Q for the ride home. Brittanie and I crashed in a bed, and then a hide-a-bed a little later. We slept like the dead, waking at 4:00 to roll out for Portland.

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - Day of the Show

I got up and helped Ben the supercook make superbreakfast. Dutch helped a bit, too, more or less offsetting the bacon he kept snitching. Miranda did dishes, as did Noah. Dunno why I feel like calling out props, but it's important that helping hands are noticed and appreciated.

We stunted around and relaxed and showered and got ready for a show. Then we piled back into the Wanderbus and Susie-Q, and drove across the Bay Bridge. Breathtaking. I was trying to paint my nails black & white, and the view kept drying stuff up. My rough paintjob now reminds me of San Francisco's Bay Bridge. Aw.

The venue was freakin' sweet. The stage was *almost* adequate, but Creature did his magic and up went an extension. Then it was simply a little too shallow, but we more or less coped. But headspace we had, and good visibility to the crowd. Plus, the green room was on a balcony behind the stage, over a cool arched bridge that *screamed* out for handstands. It got 'em, too. I saw to that bridge.

The aerialists had 4 different mounts, including a pulley that the local circus crew used (with Dutch's ballast) to raise and lower Brandy and Jess during their routine. It was super-cool.

Brandy and Jess
These girls get a big shout out. They're supercool. I think that they finally got comfortable that the Kazum guys weren't trying to get in their pants like the rest of the male and pro-lady female population of the planet.

That's good; it gives us an edge. ;)

But we're not *aggressively* trying to bed them, so they relaxed and hung out. Stunting, joking, bickering, taunting the spamminess of... all kinds of stuff. Man, if those two ever saw this blog they'd flip out. A single paragraph of internet was too much. This old-school text-based communication thing is just way too wordy... and that's pre-Scott. Once I get done with it it hardly resembles words at all. Just big chunky blocks of nearly-random text.

So, Brandy is 5-ninish until she gets into the air and then her legs grow longer. She's amazing to watch. I consciously didn't, in fact. I don't like ogling. Jess I can watch; she's a little sister, I think. Brandy's just too fun to watch, for me.

I *love* watching people watching a show, by the way. Crowd watching is a riot. And when Brandy does her thing, the crowd's eyes and expressions are delightful to behold. Jess is gorgeous up there. The two of them are amazing together. The applause after their silk routine was thunderous. They, more than anyone, sold Wanderlust to S.F.

And then they danced like crazy. :)

But I'm jumping way ahead. First there was stretching and blocking the routine and rigging and hanging out for 5 or 6 hours until showtime. It was way fun. My shirt was discovered to be undiscoverable, so Alysia donned her Superhero Seamstress hat and built me a shirt from scraps. It was wonderful.

I went for a walk to explore S.F. but I got distracted by a marching band. M4 rolled up and I chatted with them as they disembarked.

Then things got loud. Sound check, talking, stretching s'more. M4 rolled out after an hour or two; they had another tiny gig and supper before the big show after ours. Here's a shot of that scene.

My focus up to then was on circus stuff, mostly - making sure we were moving along and good to go. And then Amanda arrived.

Amanda
She featured in a previous blog post. She's amazing, and when she gets fancied up she's one of the hottest little critters I've ever seen. She was my date for the show, which spins off into a whole guilt thing...

Dutch is very right that I don't deserve a dream date with a sexy girl just a week and a half from cheating on my girlfriend. He proscribed an arbitrary 2 weeks. I think that's kinda silly; 2 weeks isn't gonna atone for anything. But it is an actual cost, and a consequence, and something I shouldn't dodge. So I agree with him.

And then there's Amanda. *sigh*

I'd love to claim that I nobly refrained, but that isn't so. Instead, I got a super date that went home without me at the end for other reasons that had nothing to do with me or my recent bastardliness. So, in all the most important ways, things worked out really well.

Kazum did a full run-through that was not only choppy, but peppered with drops. Not terrifying... but still scary. Despite that, I think we all felt ready for the show. We were the first act.

It was choppy. Not terribly so... and we're all really good at pulling choppiness together. I love all of us so much! I saw James & Doc drop some stuff that had to hurt. The Ass Catch was at 95% power plus adrenaline, and I nearly ran out of stage to catch it in. But we got it. The extension stuck up there like a porn star, and the Triple Base cradled despite my fear that it was a goner. Somehow the Candelabra looked more or less complete, though it *felt* like it was holding together by fingernails, prayers and mantras. Adrenaline beat exhaustion, but heat exhaustion was a serious contender for the evening's competitions. I staggered offstage, forgetting that I was supposed to lift Jess up to Brandy, beelining for the back room that was delightfully chilly. I was actually starting to grey out a bit - so hot under spotlights doing high-intensity stunting with too many pounds of leftover computer nerd on me. Dutch felt every steak & cheeseburger he's eaten for a week, I'm sure. We're big fellas, we are.

I mingled a bit prior to Lions. I had a breathtaking date down there. I liked watching her dance from the balcony, but I also liked her dancing around me and beside me. There were many people to see, though, and stunts to be thrown.

Lulu was there! I love seeing her. But it's always at some crazy event, and I always have someone who's there with me. I'd love to try to kiss that girl at some point. I don't usually; most girls have to make a pass at me before I trust that they're interested. But I feel brave enough to take a chance with Lulu. Yum.

There was stunting in the smoking lounge, in back. There was much laughter and talk and hugging of good friends. It was a crazy fun party.

Lions went well. We were putting our hearts into being leonine. But the crowd couldn't really see us very well; the stage was a little bit too low to showcase Lions well. It felt like it went well, though - we got mad cheers for the final agonizing portion of the triple crab twist. I'm glad; that 3 seconds is always the most painful of any show. I think I flipped rather than handspringing 'cause the stage felt crowded, but that's fine.

The Kazum guys were ogled like we were made of chocolate. I wouldn't have believed it but I saw the girls looking at Doc & Dutch, so I suppose they were looking at me as well. It was scary. I was glad that I had a date. I felt that way once at the Roller Derby girls' party, too.

I had the most amazing night, and Amanda was often at my side. We danced a lot, and I've never danced before, really. It was more grinding than dancing, I think, but it was dancelike. I danced with Creature, and with Creature & Amanda, and it was pretty magical. I wasn't on drugs or anything. But I don't think I could've danced with anyone other than those particular two. Serendipity.

The crowd cleared out, and finally so did Amanda. *sigh* We all returned to Temple's place for The Afterparty.

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - The Trip Down

On Thursday morning-ish the replacement Wanderbus began ingesting circus folk & gear. The morning before I dug ditch while listening to Creature mastermind a replacement. It was pretty impressive. All hail Kae, by the way. As Creature put it, "I didn't buy a bus, I bought a guy."

I had to work on Thursday from 9:30 to noon. I was all excited, telling all of my gymkids that I was getting in a car to drive to San Francisco to do a big circus show. Lots of my gymkids stunt with me; I love my job. Alysia's kind of the final evolution of gymkids to stunt with.

Then I biked to Clover's place with my backpack. One advantage of being largely homeless is that I easily pack for days at a time. Clover and Andy and I waited a bit for Sid and Dutch and then we filled Susie-Q to very near her weight limit, and drove her southward.

We stopped here and there to stunt, but most of the initial ride is hazed a bit by pain. Dutch and I are big fellas, and Susie-Q is dainty like her driver. My knees and legs were killing me, and Dutch matched my whine-intensity gripe for gripe. We were some unhappy large dudes.

Providence saw fit to offer us a cruel twist of fate, though. Not cruel to us - cruel to Wanderlust, who had to pay $650 for new tires when a piece of rebar in the road made messy rubber shrapnel of 2 replacement Wanderbus tires. A focused Mormon-looking mechanic made quick work of the repairs but not before my and Dutch's need manifested a meeting. We swapped onto the bus, which necessitated some stunting with Brittany Walsh.

Brittany Walsh
She gets her own header. She's incredible.

I've never stunted with Brittany before. Frankly, she intimidates me. She's a for-reals Circus acrobat - a hand-balancer who routinely achieves feats that leave me bitterly envious yet inspired to be a better me. But on a wacky Circus tour, my normally-robust inhibitions sometimes break down a bit, and I asked her to stunt.

She leapt gracefully to her feet and then my hands, and we did some basic stunts. But we did 'em well. She's one of the best first-stunts I've ever experienced. I pushed into a Butterfly from an Angel (her 2nd with me) and she just responded and flew it. Later at Temple's we did another Butterfly, and walked it along the wall. First time I've ever thought of or tried it - it went splendidly!

Every time I've asked her stunt since that initial one, she's jumped up and gone for it. I love this girl.

We ate delicious food while swapping tires & passengers, as well. Ben is a great guy. I figured he was, otherwise Uli never woulda snuggled with him and then blushed so entertainingly about it. Ben made superbomb food the whole trip. I want him as our cook every time. Not just for the food - he's a chill guy who's really nice. I'd love to hang out with him more. Hell, maybe we can even snuggle.

Then it was time to pile into the bus and find a place. Alysia had abandoned the bus for Clover's car, to keep the bus under its legal limit.

This was a point when I first actually saw clues about Doc & Alysia. They had hung out once before in a datelike fashion, but I blew that off. Until the bus - I saw a glance and an arm-touch that were pretty clear. Aw! And yet... hm. Doc's an older fella, divorced, has a kid, and going through a very familiar-looking reinvention of himself via the Circus.

I mean, I dated Gaelen, who was too young for me. But she wasn't young the way Alysia is young.

Perhaps I'm simply so suspicious of lechery in myself that I project it's potential in others? Nah, I don't actually think Doc's horning for a pretty 18-year-old.

I just worry that he's in flux, and she's potentially at risk of what the fluxing puts him through. But enough of that.

The bus took off with about 300 lbs more weight than it expected, but it seemed to handle it fine. I hovered for a bit, playing on the hang-bars, and flitting about in pure enjoyment of leg room while traveling. I like spacious busses way better than wee Irish cars.

I ended up by Creature, which was cool. He's a solid base for me to operate off of. But I floated around a lot.

There was a movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I've not seen it in years. I watched most of it, but dozed off near the end.

There were a few stops, such as when we rolled into California and pinged closed liquor stores until bursting in on Weed. There was less stunting in Weed than one might wish. I slacked.

After that, we had booze. Dutch foolishly tried to lure the prim AWOL ladies (Brandy and Jess) into playing drinking games. They rose to the challenge and we had a laughter-laden 4-hour game of 21. Much fun. Favorite quote: "Table" by Brandy as a word to rhyme with. Super-inventive, those drunk A-WOL chicks. ;)

I also played guitar for an hour or so, which I enjoyed a bunch. I got to play to the back section where Tiari and Noah were sleeping, so I didn't feel like I was too-louding everyone else. I haven't played & sang for way, way too long. I gotta get my guitar to Jem's the next time I have boys.

We rolled into San Francisco and arrived at Temple's place. Temple is one of Creature's old circus buddies, and he is awesome. He put up the circus in his huge living space. Everybody but me even got something soft to sleep on. We crashed out *fairly* quickly, but we didn't even get there until morning, so I don't remember what time the last person went to bed, leaving me an empty living room at long last. I slept for 2 or 3 blissful hours before the breakfast crew began prep-work on the Day of the Show.

Circus & Relationship let-down blues

So, breaking up with Joey was tough and painful 'cause I deserved it and I hurt her. But then I had lots of busy-ness going on with working for Creature, stunting a ton, and prepping for the San Francisco trip. Facebook is a reminder of the painfulness - pictures of Joey and comments from Joey. But part of my busy-ness included no real online access. So, I was mostly distracted.

Now I'm back into the normal, boring old groove of my life. And now I'm missing Joey a lot, as well as missing the distraction & fun & emotional balm of circus camaraderie.

Despite that, I never quite find myself wishing that Joey and I were still together, somehow. I'm not 100% sure why that is, especially since she stopped drinking and that was one of the biggest challenges I had in our relationship.

I do keep finding myself wishing I'd just broken things off instead of stepping out and betraying the relationship. :( That really eats at me. Dutch and Sara are great at reminding me of that, which I appreciate. I don't want a free pass, or to be distracted instead of hurting. I want to shoulder the consequences of my choice and be impacted by them.

In San Francisco I got lots of snuggling and fun. Amanda came out to see me, and she had clearly designated herself as my arm-candy. Very friendly, dancing with me, always standing next to me - it was wonderful. But Dutch's "No Action for Two Weeks" decree weighed on me. It turns out that Amanda wasn't there to sleep with me, anyway - she was just arm-candy. I'm not gonna claim 100% satisfaction with that... but all things considered I'm really glad it worked out that way. Sex with guilt attached wouldn't have been good. There was enough guilt about just the cuddly stuff & kissy stuff.

It was also nice to be attached. There were a bunch of hungry-eyed ladies at the show, and they were smiling at us Kazum boys like panthers eyeing a couple of plump bunny rabbits. I don't want to experience rock-star style casual hookups with hot babes. It freaks me out. I like people way more than I like flesh, and casual hookups are about flesh way more than they're about people.

Getting to know Jess & Brandy & Brittanie was super fun. Again, there wasn't any romantic pressure there - none of 'em are at all interested in me for whatever reason, so I can relax and just hang out with them. Yay! The AWOL girls were crazy fun. Spending the car ride back with Brittanie was also way fun. She was raised Mormon, and it's tough to see her as a hot girl now. At the same time, she's super attractive to me - I understand Mormon girls, very much, and I really bond well with them. That makes me (mostly) glad that she's too young for me and uninterested in me, to boot.

Lulu was really friendly at the show, as well. She's been friendly in the past, and I always seem to have a relationship or a date at the time. Lame. I'd love to kiss Lulu. Even more, though, I'd love to hang out with her and get to know her. I only ever see her at big festive parties and afterparties.

I also love hanging out with Anna. Again, she's not at all interested in me for whatever reason, and that leaves us free to snuggle and cuddle and hang out without any romantic pressures. :) She's another girl that would be big trouble if she liked me.

Adrienne is another matter. She used to go on at length about how much she wanted to be my lover, but since reconnecting with her after breaking up with Joey, she's not been at all romantically forward. Maybe it's just Dutch's hostile "Two Weeks!" energy. But it's for the best, I think... as Dutch would say, I don't deserve rebound action. And, painfully, I agree with him.

But I've been dating someone or other for the last year or so, and I'm into my 2nd week without any lovin's. It's difficult. And that's okay. If I strive to be honest with myself, that's even excellent. Just tough.

This somehow turned into a "list the girls I'm crushing on" kind of post. Lame.

Back to the circus. :)

I wanna be on the Wanderbus more in the future. The car is great! But it's just got less people to get to know. I did enjoy reciting my entire repertoire of poems while driving through northern California in the early AM. Everyone else was asleep (though Andy caught some of it) which lets me just relax and not be nervous about soliloquizing. I'm oddly shy for someone who's so often spammy and powerfully extroverted.

Playing drinking games with Dutch and Uli and the AWOL ladies was spectacular. I didn't spend much time with my all-time favorite AWOL girl on this trip, sadly - Alysia was usually doing things where I wasn't. :( But she was quite adequately entertained, as was I, and I sure hope that we'll resume our hanging-out patterns now again despite the interference of a certain Kazumite who's started monopolizing her time. :)

I didn't spend much time with Uli or Miranda, either. On Kazum-only tours we get way more time together. I can't wait for more of that. I love those girls very much.

Brittany Walsh is a stunt-goddess! She also doesn't know how to say "no". Pretty much the perfect girl for me. Off-limits, super-stunty, no inhibitions about stunting. Right on.

I feel bad, as though I stole Kae's dream girl. Amanda came for me, and was there to be my date, but both Temple and Kae were crushing on her pretty hard (and who wouldn't be, good heavens).

I really need to blog out a chronological order of events for this trip, for my own memory if nothing else. And... Clover just called and I need to go pick up my bike. So, this is the end of this disjointed ramble.

I miss Zac. *sigh* And Alex. Why can't they both live close by again? I haven't had a best friend for months, now.

Happy New Year!

It was a spectacular New Year celebration. Probably the best I've ever experienced, despite some sad parts.

The sad part was preordained. Gaelen doesn't like the usage of chemicals that alter behaviors or thinking. I myself do like such usage now & then, though I also believe firmly that they're wrong and shouldn't be used... hypocrisy is my life. Anyway, when we first started dating she explained her feelings and I thought about it and decided to change my behaviors for her. I was okay with that until I found out that Zac was coming back into town and everyone in Kazum was planning to have a big amazing fun afterparty following our New Year performance.

I brought it up with Gaelen and asked for more explanation so that I could make choices I didn't want to make for her benefit without being consumed with bitterness and resentment. She clarified her position and explained that she wasn't gonna be all tore up over it, though she'd be disappointed and upset. But she'd get over it.

This redistributed the negativity for the conflict a bit more equitably, meaning that I'd still be feeling sad about her being upset, but I wouldn't be burdened with the full negative emotions arising from her sensitivity to the behavior. In other words... we'd both suffer (her more than me) instead of me being the only one to suffer, about her desire that I not do something.

But as New Year's Eve approached she became increasingly morose about it. Not just because I'd be off doing whatever, but because it meant we couldn't spend New Year's Eve together. I totally understand that; it's absolutely miserable going to a party with someone who's planning to end up doing something you hate.

So, Wednesday passed with Gaelen feeling abandoned and sad, while I was ramping up for a performance and an afterparty with Zac & crew. I felt sad 'cause Gaelen was sad but I also took care not to let her upset ruin my night. That's not only stupid but it also breeds resentment, which is one of the most poisonous emotions to introduce into a relationship of any kind.

Uli & I met at the Egg for a run-through of All About Love before the show. It went spectacularly, as expected; it's an easy and simple routine despite it being exciting and fun. Then we schlepped our mat over to the venue. I got a superb parking spot 1/2 a block away, which never happens! Bonus!

The venue is one we've performed in before, but it's been improved remarkably since last time. It was pretty cool. The staff was wonderful! The Green Room was a narrow, bent hallway with lots of junk stored in it; that sucked but it's just the way it goes. And actually it was plenty adequate for our needs. We were downstairs at the Rotture; an overhauled warehouse near the riverfront.

There weren't very many people at 9:00, when Trashcan Joe went on. Miranda & Alex got there before we went on, but nobody else we knew was there yet by the time Uli & I performed at about 9:30. It went well, though the performance space was pretty cramped. Alex said that my facials were pretty good, which was encouraging.

Then everyone else started showing up. Noah & Creature wandered in with their assorted wimmen. I always enjoy seeing those two and they're less careful about not being seen in my presence, lately. Not sure if I'm cooler now or if they're just less concerned about it. Hopefully the latter. It doesn't bug me, really, except that I feel bad for 'em because I like them. I also saw Cherry, who's been increasingly less standoffish. She still odds me out a lot 'cause I think our core beliefs about many things are drastically different... but that's much more fascinating to me than it is scary. Maybe some day she'll be comfortable enough and undisgusted enough that we can talk about stuff. Dunno. Doesn't really matter, 'cept that I think about her & Creature & Noah more than I think about any of the "Kazum outer circle" people. I'm really not sure why... I don't think about Naia nearly as much as I do those three, and I'm totally comfortable with Naia. Maybe that's why.

Anyway, I earnestly enjoy seeing Noah & Creature & crew and it was wonderful that they were there. I honestly do think I'm growing on 'em. Like fungus, maybe, or like a subtle STD.

As our performance time (10:00) approached, we were becoming increasingly concerned about Russ' absence. We'd choreographed a bunch of stunt sequences and pyramids that rely on him, although it's not as serious as having something like Planet Claire or Birthday or Piggies that simply cannot be performed without one of the members. He didn't show up at all, all night long. He didn't even call any of us. A no-call no-show for a show is probably grounds for immediate dismissal; it's rare to find a job that doesn't abide by such a policy. And Russ has done the no-call no-show before. Are we being stupid for not just cutting him?

I don't think so. I think that he's honestly excited about being part of Kazum. I think that he enjoys what we do very much. He's absolutely wonderful at it; he's a great base and a pretty good spotter. He's spectacular to work with at almost all times. I like him, I respect him, and I love him. But if we'd required his presence to perform, then Kazum would have blown off a big venue last night. Not only do we not get paid when we do that, but every person who shows up has wasted their night and all practice time spent on the event. But the worst cost is that the producers of the show would have to be complete fools or terribly desperate, to hire Kazum ever again. When a performing entity flakes out the night of the performance, people hear about it and spread the word and pretty soon nobody is interested in hiring that group anymore.

Despite the lack of 1/5 of the group, we did an amazing job. We threw random stunts and some simple sequences, and Uli & I ran through All About Love again. We did toe-pitches and libs and cupies and a three-headed dragon and all manner of delightful stuntery. It was not only fun & exciting to watch, but it was absolutely wonderful to perform. Even better, Zac got to cycle in frequently. At one point he announced that his chemical vowel had kicked in enough that he wasn't safe to do stunts with anyone but me... aw! Zac being safe! It was a little eerie! Plus, it was way cool that he and I can stunt safely regardless of mind alterations. We've practiced both our physical skills and our skills of judgment under such conditions. He always pushes boundaries; he is, after all, Zac. But together we're pretty impressively safe. Kudos to Melissa for her contributions to that!

After our hour of performance we were off the hook, so everyone but me got into their party clothes. I kept my performance clothes; they're way cooler than anything else I own plus I feel less self-conscious when I'm fancied-up as a performer instead of trying to have fun under my alter ego as UberDork.

I also don't have to worry quite as much about ruining others' enjoyment when the UberDork gloms on to them in a humiliating fashion. Everyone outside of the core Kazum group is pretty darn conscious of societal pressures to only hang out with the cool kids, and Alex & Miranda are at least somewhat conscious of it despite accepting me regardless. Uli honestly doesn't let herself care; she doesn't shun me because of my refutation of society's dictation of fashion. It bothers her... it bothers her a lot. It bothers all of 'em, bless their hearts. :) But Uli's simply amazing at setting that aside and not treating me any different no matter what I look like or what I say. It's one of her most admirable traits.

We all went back into the Green Room (aka "narrow twisty storage hallway") and took the steps required to put some ecstatic fun into our evenings. They also all put on party clothing. Then we moseyed back out into the celebration.

When Zac feels ecstatic, he shows it. Boy, does he. Alex has been going off about how showy Zac's ecstacy was. Zac's lower jaw juts forward and he gets this feral gleam in his eyes, which get all large and sharklike. It's not freakish or ugly or anything... it's just very odd and pronounced. His attention fragments easily at all times, but at times like last night it's even more fragile. When he's completely normal he can at best claim a few meager whisps of good judgment, but last night those were blown away like cottonwood fluff in a hurricane.

I stunted here and there with Zac & Alex, and carried the girls through the crowd in angels or other stunts now & then. It was really fun. There's something magical about a party where you have the ability to toss people around impressively. Alex and I lifted several girls in basic, simple stunts. One girl (Barr) was from Israel. She was jaw-clenchingly attractive, but since I was in my element I was able to talk with her without melting. There were actually a great many gorgeous women that I got to hang out with and massage and stroke their skin & hair... it was a very friendly, happy party. And I wasn't at all influenced by lust; I was feeling loving & open but not at all horny. At one point someone mentioned, "Man you've got a tough life" and it cracked me up. I get to entertain and bask in the limelight, then wander about and see all the cool kids who mostly happen to be my friends, and enjoy nearly all of the perks of being a social climber, without actually having to go to the horrific lengths required to actually be a social climber. I get to wander from beautiful woman to beautiful woman and hug 'em and hang with 'em, and I've got friends scattered everywhere at these events. It's pretty amazing... though in the moment I don't think any of that 'cause I'm just hanging out & having fun with my buddies. Only at big splashy events do I remember that many of my buddies are drop-dead gorgeous, plus nubile.

I got some great chances to spend time with Cherry. She regaled me with her tale of woe as she & Creature prowled about but found the hunting to be sparse. It was awesome, and I really enjoyed being let in on the grief. I also bumped into her a few other times, and forgot to give her space 'cause she's embarrassed by me. As a result, I discovered that she no longer seems to be embarrassed by me. Perhaps I've gotten less embarrassing. That'd be a shame, ugh. I'll have to think on that.

Creedence showed up at some point, which was spectacular. I like Creedence immensely. I got to hang out with her quite a bit as the evening progressed, including getting her backstage access to the Groove Bomb. She walked into the joint-zone, though, which is a cross between the Twilight Zone and the Bermuda Triangle. The way it works is that someone tries to hand you a joint. If you take it, you're screwed; there are way more of them than there are smokers, so you are stuck with it until you finish it or you find some poor sucker to take "just one hit". I got out quickly but Creedence had no such luck and the poor girl was gone for the rest of the night. It was great and she had a great time.

I had the most amazing evening. We traveled in small bunches that split apart and rejoined in an amazingly amoebalike fashion. As people in each group became attached to other people via conversations, touching, or whatever, I'd eventually wander off if I wasn't one of the attached. Soon I'd find another person or group that I knew, and I'd fasten on to them for a short or a long time. There was no drama, no hostility and no angst during the entire evening. Uli & Zac did get tied up in a long & intense conversation about a past event... but by the end of the night Zac felt like he'd gotten closure from Uli, and Zac feeling that way is what Uli required as well. I was really glad to see that skeleton finally get buried.

At one point I fell in love with a girl in a sparkly dress. She was beautiful and I was blown away. I don't know why; there were a great many beautiful women there. But I avoided her, as is my wont when attracted, and she became a recurring bright spot as I randomly encountered the sight of her here and there later during the night.

At another point I was introduced to a girl in a green dress. I remember the color because it matched her hair and her makeup and it was quite striking. I was appropriately stricken; I mumbled some garbled comment about how well she matched, choking back my instinctive reaction to tell the truth. I have learned that my instinctive reaction is almost always the worst possible thing to go on, and truth is usually a stupid choice. I usually just don't say anything.

Later in the evening this girl in green again entered my sphere of communication, and this time I actually blurted out the truth. For once, it turned out to be a good idea! Meeting her eventually became the high point of the entire evening, which amazes and gratifies me to no end.

But first I must describe the Groove Bomb. It's a traveling party that unloads music and hosts fun. You need a VIP pass to get on, but performers had that access so I got to spend quite a bit of time grooving. Alex spent a lot of time there, Zac & Laura did as well, and Uli eventually held court at the back of the bus for a time. It was noisy, but far less so than anywhere else in the entire venue... at least, until I discovered the Quiet Place. But that was later.

Miranda quickly picked up a gorgeous date: a near-mirror-image of herself named Melissa. Scrumptious. I bumped into them a few times as the night moved on but they were mostly engaged with one another, which I quite understood and was entertained by.

Alex was constantly surrounded by gorgeous women. He's more of a chick magnet than anyone I've known since I was in high school. It's amazing to watch. I'm so very glad I don't have the same affliction; I'd be way more irresponsible than he is with power like that. He also spent a lot of time with me; I got a great deal of Alex-Time and I loved it. We popped up to a shoulder-stand at one point to disable a bulb, then discovered that we needed to travel, which wasn't so easy for Alex 'cause he was ecstatic but he loved it very much anyway.

Uli finished resolving things with Zac but then I didn't see her for hours. She was having a great time, though. Eventually Aspen showed up, but he was pretty far gone and I didn't get to spend much time with him other than a quick stunt-bonding moment in a partially-floorless closet over the stairs, where I did a shoulderstand on his knees and he based me. Then Alex showed up and Aspen feint-slammed him and Alex barely restrained his instinctive & highly-trained protective counterstrike. Never pretend to attack a martial artist; if their control fails then you've tricked them into hurting you and neither of you wants that.

Russ, as mentioned before, didn't show up nor did he call. :(

Zac & Laura moseyed about a great deal, often with me. I got a lot of Zac-Time and I loved it. :) At one point we bumped into Skye & Bryce Pixton's younger sister whose name I can never remember. I had mentioned to Zac that I felt awkward around her 'cause she's Mormon, but he brought it up and she's not. So, as Zac loves to do, he jumped into sharing my personal beliefs about various things that are guaranteed to get me labeled as a closed-minded conservative idiotic hater-of-others. I don't mind explaining my beliefs... but being presented to a hostile audience (frequently consisting of multiple people) as a Hater is not fun for me. Laura mentioned it him and he blew her off, so I mentioned it and he blew me off, so I'll probably write an email explaining it and asking him to stop doing it unless it's in a situation where I can take 15 or 20 minutes and explain things.

At one point on the Groove Bomb, Alex was giving Zac some massage work. I jumped in, and someone else did, too (probably Laura; she's so wonderful with Zac). We worked him for 5 or 10 minutes... that must've been bliss. I massaged a bunch of people; I was feeling really feely. But nobody massaged me more than a quick touch here and there. I noticed this at the end of the night and felt sad about it. I wonder why. Maybe I'm more repulsive than I realize?... Or maybe most people aren't as feely as me, so I naturally end up giving lots more touching than I receive. Or maybe I'm creepy and I don't know it. These things could all be. *shrug* I ain't gonna worry about it unless I get more information.

At midnight I had nobody to kiss, but karma was not about to drop me on my ass so easily. It provided the perfect surrogate for Gaelen.

Zac, in all his fun-having glory, said to me, "Scott, will you kiss me at midnight?" I was thrilled to acquiesce. He nodded impatiently, obviously assuming this response, and elaborated, "Will you do it in an arm-to-arm?" My eyes lit up like a jackpot winner's and I sprayed gleeful assurances that yes indeedy I was up for such a feat.

We tried to stay close, but the ebb & flow frequently pulled us apart as the fateful moment approached. I knew that Zac had the same odds of sticking near me as a kid in a candy store, so I hovered near him instead. As I suspected, there was no 2-minute or 1-minute or 30-second warning... suddenly the crowd focused its noise into "8...7...6..."

By "6" I had blocked off with Zac. By "4" we were up. By "1" we were solid. And on "Happy New Year!" we did a quick peck in an arm-to-arm. (I had bronchitis, so anything deeper was a bad idear.) We held it for a bit and did 2 more pecks just to make sure we were satisfied with our gnifty experience. It was truly awesome.

I don't know when it happened, but during one of the frequent trips to the Green Room hallway I noticed that the locked door was now open and brightly lit. I ventured into the stairwell that was revealed. There was a open-faced closet-space above the stairwell (which is where I stunted with Aspen a bit). The stairs led down to the basement/practice space, which was far more quiet than up top. I explored the fascinating Quiet Space and then returned to the fun.

I wandered past the cushion area and saw someone giving Noah a massage. I jumped in and started working his legs. His date (gorgeous) noticed, and proferred her legs for me. I was delighted and I worked her for a while as well. She had kind of a hungry look as she started to sit up, so I bolted. I was often thinking of Gaelen and missing her, and anytime a pretty girl looked at me consideringly I immediately created an exit and seized it.

Back on the Groove Bomb, I found Alex engaged with the Green Dress girl, who was introduced to me as Emily. It fits her perfectly. She is a vision of extraordinary rarity. Her face isn't classic-beautiful; it's much more interesting than that. Her mouth is a little too large, I think. When coupled with her eyes and nose and chin and cheeks it's absolutely entrancing - she is amazingly attractive. She was very friendly and my nervousness skyrocketed, because as I looked into her eyes I knew that I'd found The Girl of the party. It's the same thing I found at the Sprockettes Benefit when I saw Miranda - she was the one girl there for whom I'd sell my soul, betray my commitments, upstage my morals, and abandon my dignity. But Emily was something beyond the "normal" Temptation Girl. She was really nice, and genuine, and accepting. She didn't care about the dorkism that's afflicted me from birth. She was interested in me, not in my arms or my costume or my potential bankroll (which happens to be nil). She said something like, "I feel like I really need to talk to you."

Instinct seized me by the vocal cords and I foolishly let them blurt forth my thoughts without filtering. "It's really difficult to speak when faced with someone who is as beautiful as you are." I was thunderstruck; how could she think I was anything but false, after a cheesy opening like that!? I hastened to assure her that I wasn't hitting on her, but simply being honest. She seemed to believe me, but she also seemed a little more friendly than was justified after that. But how can someone tell that when the friendliness comes from someone so angelic? She could've slapped me and I'd've assumed it was meant flirtatiously.

But she wasn't pushing any boundaries, she was just very friendly and feely. I loved that; I was the same way. We snuggled up and Alex joined us and I fell in love with her in the space of about 5 minutes. I'd do just about anything for that girl and I just barely met her. Alex was feeling the same thing; he said, "Maybe it's just the drugs but I feel a tremendous connection here." I did, too, and I was tickled pink that we could all share it and Alex would happily relieve me of the burden of any romantic aspects. It was clear that Emily was fine with Alex as the designated romantor. We were the Three Musketeers for the rest of the night.

I apologized for being so blunt, and explained that even in the best of times I'm severely discretion-challenged. She asked if I'd answer any question at all with the truth and I nodded helplessly. She asked, "What is your best trait, or the thing that you do the best," and I shot out the answer immediately 'cause it's something I've often pondered: "I am best at loving others." Alex had tears in his eyes as he validated that, which really touched me to the core of my heart. It was a really wonderful thing for me to see him care about because it's really important to me, being the core of my being and all.

We shared some more bonding and then Alex stumbled off again and Emily spilled water down her cleavage. She began naievely fiddling and I turned away with an exclamation about how girls can't just go waving gorgeous cleavage around like that. She was quite amused and she bounced off to tell Alex while I recuperated from the near miss. I was having enough trouble keeping romance & lust from shouldering their way into my newfound love. I did not need unintentional cleavage factoring in.

Emily revealed that she's a musician. I'm thinking to myself, "Good Lord, this just keeps getting more and more amazing. She's the most nearly perfect woman I've ever met in my life. How can she possibly be any more angelic?" Those were my very thoughts; "angelic" was how I would have described her if limited to a single word. That's when she announced that her instrument of choice is a harp. Alex and I just kind of goggled. There was probably drool. She asserted that she had her harp with her. We stumbled over one another's tongues in our attempts to ask her for a performance. She happily agreed and we hauled ourselves, our angel, and her harp over to the stage.

It took a long time for her to get set up & tuned, and to arrange with the DJ to cycle in. Just as she was almost ready, another performer (part of the Kazum outer circle, in fact) came and took her microphone. She asked for it back, explaining that she needed it for her harp, but the other performer shunted her aside and left with the mic.

So, Emily played but we couldn't hear her over the noise. :( It was very frustrating but the karma of the evening was far too stoic to be easily blockaded. I'm a little dense, but karma kept pounding away at my obtusity until I eventually erupted in epiphone: "Aha! I've got it! I know a Quiet Place!" Alex looked at me in bafflement (this time I know there was drool 'cause I was lookin' right at it) but Emily simply nodded in trusting joy. I slobbered eagerly in response.

Did I mention how ecstatic we all were? It must've been a foolfest, but those involved were oblivious to such worldly external constraints.

We packed our act downstairs to the dungeonesque back room adjacent to the prison. I insisted that broken chickenwire indicated a storage space but Alex was adamant that it was obviously a prison, and Emily seemed entertained by that idea, so my knowledge agreed to subvert itself to my willpower and I now firmly believe that it was a prison. Love'll do that.

Alex and I chattered sappily as Emily prepared her harp for music. Then she began to play and we both took a little Happy Break from our thoughts. We were both standing, but about halfway through I managed to open my eyes and I saw that Alex had collapsed down into a crouch, supported by splayed hands on the ground.

It was one of the most amazing and heavenly things I've ever experienced. I couldn't even look at Emily; my heart just couldn't take it. But the sound... wow, the sound. She's not just a dabbler; she plays the harp well. I think that a violin might possibly rival a harp for pure beauty but a fiddle can't hold a candle to the ephemeral and otherworldly aura that harp music exudes. Alex and I felt ourselves being bound to Emily by powerful spiritual cords of silk and it was exquisite.

She seemed a little amused by our choked-up praise; she surely gets that a lot when she comes down to earth and regales mortals. We tried numbly to speak, but our voices were toadish in our own ears after the miraculous strains we'd been exposed to.

I asked Alex to share with us the poem he won a competition with. It's about 6 minutes and it's absolutely spectacular. As Emily put away her harp, Alex and I circled the basement and turned off the nearest lights so that we had near darkness for the poetry.

Listening to his voice as the poem rolled off of his tongue is probably the only thing that could've possibly followed Emily's harp performance without seeming pitifully ridiculous by comparison. Both times I've listend to Alex recite this poem I've been so caught up in the rhyme and meter and the brilliance of the words, that I've utterly failed to maintain enough mid-and-short-term memory to link it all together. It's about temptation, salvation and evil, but I couldn't tell you a summary, still, which shames me. But it's not because I don't pay attention! It's because I'm paying so much attention that the amazing details fill me up and push out the core plot of the piece.

After that I recited Annabel Lee. It was really fun; I love reciting poems as much as I love hearing them.

Alex and Emily were snuggling and I wanted to join them but I had also begun to hope very much that they'd fall in love (romantic love), and I knew that some privacy would probably facilitate this process. I went upstairs to pee, and I then made a short circuit of the nearby area, where I bumped into Uli, who was feeling like leaving sometime soon. I brought her down to say goodbye to Emily & Alex, and I discovered that Emily is her friend. Very cool.

The magical, musical, love-filled night had ended and the sun on its glaring way up. Breakfast smells were happening upstairs. Emily suggested that we accompany her to her house, and I'm sure that it's easy to imagine the bright-eyed glee that accompanied our joyful acceptance of this offer.

We all went back upstairs and bid our farewells. As we gathered our various things I remarked to Alex, "We're going home with the most beautiful girl at the party!" It struck me as funny but he just blinked; he's dim even at the best of times, poor boy. At least he has his physique.

I had a co-pilot on the drive to Emily's slice of heaven. Her friend Elizabeth whom I'd earlier spent some time stroking. Elizabeth was extremely nice and friendly, though she had to sit in back 'cause the mat was in front. During the drive I jabbered incessantly, mostly about Gaelen. Elizabeth surely thinks me a very odd fool, which is pretty close to accurate.

When we all arrived, Elizabeth scampered off to go hot-tubbing elsewhere. Alex & Emily & I relaxed onto the couch, stroking and cuddling one another. It was really wonderful. Emily asked if we had obligations, and Alex answered for both of us when he said, "There's nowhere in the world I'd rather be."

Alex eventually dozed off and Emily & I talked about him for a while. I revealed my not-so-subtle plan for them to fall in love and she said, "We'll see what happens." I said, "That's what he said," and he half-woke and asked, "Why would you wanna remember that?" which had nothing at all to do with what we'd been talking about. I guffawed and Emily made angelic laughing noises like the chiming of bells.

When Emily started fading away I suggested that Alex and I could let her be so that she could sleep. She asked why we'd want to do that, which was a wonderful question! I suggested that we could all pile into her bed and sleep and she was delighted. I asked if she often brought two men home from parties and she paused to think about it, which cracked me up. (The answer was, "no.") We all snuggled down and Alex dropped off again. Emily lasted a little longer. When I'd stroke her face it would light up in a beautiful smile and my heart would lurch. It was amazing.

After they both fell asleep I got up; my kids were at home and I would never be able to sleep with in a strange bed, anyway, especially not with others in the bed with me. I took a picture; it's ridiculously cute. Then I came home and played with kids & real life resumed.

But that was one of my most amazing, wonderful, loving nights ever. I was occasionally sad 'cause Gaelen was home being miserable, and I missed Gaelen frequently. But other than that the night was absolutely perfect.

White Album Christmas show

On Friday we gathered at the Bossanova to prepare for the first White Album Christmas show.


In many ways, this show is the most difficult that Kazum has ever done. The tricks are seriously tough. On the bright side, Piggies is only 2 minutes and Birthday is only 3 minutes. But the most challenging aspect is that we had 3 new people learning every single trick. It's not like we were just throwing in tricks we've mastered; Alex & Russ & Miranda are learning this stuff from the ground up. Plus both numbers are brand-new for all of us. So it's been a rough ride... but so worth it!


I'm not willing to claim that we put in a professional level performance. We were shaky on a few things, and while nothing dropped, we still weren't tight & polished. The night before the show we were still working desperately on the triple-base extension, and about 2 hours before showtime we finally replaced it with a walkup torch and a double-base extention. It was pretty scary. Even more scary was the conflict: Uli & I clashed several times, and Russ & Miranda had a bit of a tiff as well. Alex is the only one who hasn't bickered yet, but we'll get 'im. Oh, yes.


Uli & I had a lousy conflict right off the bat at 3:00 just as we arrived. I've processed it extensively elsewhere, and public venting isn't usually a good idea, so that's all that needs to be said about that.

The door-check process was abysmally slow. Venue staff insisted that there was no way to speed it up - the one person on duty had it totally handled, apparently, despite numerous complaints to the contrary. I personally think that they should've allocated 2 people to the door instead of 1. But one result of the entry delay is that curtain got pushed back 1/2 hour... which gave me enough time to get makeup done. Woohoo! Other things are often prioritized over Scott's makeup, and it's a sore spot for me as well as a big stressor. It was nice to actually be fully ready to perform a full 15 minutes before curtain.

The ambiance of the show is kind of a bright-paint-splashed-over-rusty-metal-and-threadbare-rags kind of dealio. We all have bright & colorful costumes & makeup, but it's all patchwork and thrown-together scraps of odds & ends. The stage is the same way. It really does a great job of conveying a professional troupe that's struggling hard to make ends meet. And having a single costumer really let the ambiance penetrate every act in the show.

We started about 10 minutes prior to curtain. All of the performers walked quietly out into the audience and lay down, often atop one another. We immediately began to doze as soon as we were set. The result was that it felt like the cast & crew were sleeping in the rafters & wings after the previous night's performance & revelry. We stayed down during the first number, and then began to stir to the beautiful & awakeningish strains of "Dear Prudence."

We stretched & yawned, quietly trading good morning greetings and cuffs, trudging along to the curtain leading backstage. Creature poured coffee for a select few, and we eventually trundled backstage by the end of the number.

This delightful audience-integration let us wander freely during the show. I got to watch Night Flight's amazing aerial hoop (the "lira" if I'm not mistaken) performance, from the balcony. In most shows it's totally inappropriate to peek out from backstage but in this show it's all part of the ambiance. I love that.

The AWOL dance collective and Night Flight were simply amazing. They're drop-dead gorgeous, of course, as well as nubile to the point of superheroinely, ridiculously scrumptious. Catwoman's got nothing on these ladies. These ladies are eyecandy that'll give wood to a blind man at 60 paces through thick fog. But that's not their primary attribute, which is a welcome change from many of the cabaret & burlesque shows I've seen. These girls are freakin' talented. Their synchronization is exquisite; better than most such routines I've seen. The difficulty level is amazing. And the showmanship (showomanship?) really adds that extra gasp to the visual orgasm that they invoke so artfully. And most importantly... they're classy. There's nothing sluttish about their demeanor, makeup, smiles, or routines. Any cute chick can evoke lust, but drawing forth desire is a whole new level of yum. The AWOL ladies and Night Flight girls are totally worth the price of admission all on their own.

Meanwhile, the NoWhere band was kicking out Beatles music that was simply astounding. I was particularly impressed by their lead guitarist and their drummer, as well as John Averill's vocal performance. I mean, the whole band kicked serious ass, but those three were somethin' else.

One of my favorite parts of the night was Gaelen. Not only did she help me wonderfully in getting through inter-Kazum conflict stress, but she was also a superb gopher for Kazum as well as for Noah. She ran a ton of errands in her car, she undertook various responsibilities and made sure they happened, and she kept hitting on me and making me feel all manly & awesome. It was a way, way better night for me (as well as for Kazum, IMO) because of her presence. Not to mention that she's great arm-candy. *preen* That's my girl.

Leapin' Louie did back-to-back numbers that fit his style really well. That guy's been entertaining since the West was One, and he never fails to deliver his thigh-slappin', low-falutin' brand of gawky humor. Behind the stage he's a really nice guy, and he was all excited that his wife & daughter were there for the show. He showed off his daughter's artwork where she'd drawn all kinds of showtime events on a table napkin. It was great stuff.

I didn't get to see much of Rhys Thomas' routine, but he's a ridiculously talented performer as well. I see him at various events around Portland. He's another dude who's been making a living as a performer for like 60 or 70 years. Well, maybe 30 or 40. Okay, 20 or so. But he'll still be doing his thang in 50 years if there's a planet left to perform on. I did see him warming up his tightrope-walking juggling routine - pure nuts, is Rhys. People often compliment me on my balance... like holding people up is a tremendously balancey thing to do. I am a stumbling buffoon compared to Rhys Thomas. That's not saying much; I'm a stumbling buffoon compared to a great many folk. I can, however, do backflips.

I got to see Cherry spin fire-poi for the first time, which was awesome. She's another great performer, and her costume was exquisite. She did a fire-spinning backward roll that blew me away. That girl knows what she's doing. I can't even imagine how many millions of times her poi have circled her. It's cool to watch people who can do physical stuff that's difficult and you can tell that it takes about as much concentration and effort as it does for us normal Joes to blink our eyes.

Creature and Noah, of course, reveled in their buffoonish and glib interplay that makes them so amazing when they share a stage. They're both excellent performers, and their styles are different enough yet enough alike that it's more than double the pleasure when they pair up. Added into the mix for the first time was Jasper Patterson, the youthful patriarch of the next generation of old-school Gypsie-blooded vaudeville performers. He comes from a tribe of folk that perform while they sleep because it's genetically melded into them. I had the delightful pleasure of lurking on the sidelines as the gypsy crew danced and sang and laughed around their fireside at the OCF. I felt quite the interloper, but that was cool because these people have a culture that baffles me because I'm just astute enough to catch a shimmering glimpse of its interwoven complexities. I can barely keep from insulting my best friends out of social retardation, so the Stage Left vaudevillians evoke a level of nervousness in me that makes it hard to pee. This effect in no way diminishes my admiration for their talents and the warmth that they extend to Kazum (and thereby, to shy little ol' me).

I got to bear Jasper's weight - twice, in fact. In his triumphant emergence as a talented performer, he claims 3 juggling knives and I "tackle" him into a shoulder-sit. There he holds his flashing steel to my throat and forces me to lift him to a shoulder-stand (I wanted an extension but Noah & Jasper wisely overrode my puppyish exuberance). There he juggles the knives while I try to pretend I'm pretending about being nervous. The night before the show I had a dream wherein a falling knife severed my ear and I had to try to convince the audience that it was fake blood while getting offstage without passing out. I'm not actually worried about it despite Alex Cougarbait Mancandy Boytoy going on at length what it would sound like to have a juggling knife embedded in the top of my skull.

I also get to lift Jasper in a fireman's carry while extracting him from a birthday cake after Kazum's "Birthday" performance.

There was a really amazing hoop routine by Revolva - another case where the ridiculously impossible is made to look like a casual stroll. This girl did some of the most amazing hooping I've ever had the pleasure of ogling. Amazingly talented, and bone-growingly scrumptious as well.

Naia helped with makeup and costumes. She also did a great job of validating my concern re: makeup, and soothing my stress. I love Naia, though I suspect she has to fight hard to not view me with the same disgust that her peers do. I appreciate her putting up that fight. She's always been very awesome to me, at least to my face. I doubt she does much sticking up for me behind my back, but I also have high hopes that she doesn't do much actual slandering back there, either. She's someone I earnestly enjoy seeing whenever I see her.

Mahon (May-Honn) helped tremendously with costumes. She's probably the most visually striking person I've ever seen before. She takes "red" to a whole new level - her dreads, her sweater, her makeup, her clothing. She's a little intimidating, actually, until she speaks and then she just melts hearts. Alex and I both agreed that of all the beautiful ladies in attendance, Mahon probably led the list of "chicks to be infatuated with". If Miranda doesn't agree then I'd risk thinking about accusing her of not really being gay (though I'd never say such a thing 'cause I value my jewels). I dunno about Russ... dude baffles me when it comes to women. The only woman I know from his life is the one lady he hasn't bedded (Susan, his really cool dance partner). I gotta party with Russ and see how he does his thing.

Melody is the lead costumer. Her primary trait for me is that she's the mom of the most adorable little critter I've seen since Nathan started talking. His name is Noah and he's a kid whose coolness defies description. Both Melody and her hubby ("J" as in "Jeremy") are entranced, but J is often non-distracted enough to be utterly and visibly wrapped around his kid's chubby little finger. That trait right there buys a father a lot of real estate in the landscape of my heart. But Melody's more than a mama, oh goodness yes. She's waded through fiendish quantities of time to produce a wardrobe for the show that holds to the amazing theme that really breathes life into the whole production. She's measured us each 30 or 40 times, and her poor fingers are usually numb from various feats of sewmanship. It's gotta be a real trip for her to see all of her amazing costumes dancing about doing their thing onstage.

There was one disappointing part in Friday's show... poor luck resulted in the band stepping on Noah's trademark "Laaaaaaaaaaadies and Gentlemen!" intro. I love that intro; it kicks both crowd and performers into Excitement Mode.

The Bellini Twins performed, but I didn't catch their show, to my chagrin. I've seen them before and they're amazing - a brand of humor that's tough to pull off well. Plus they're incredibly athletic. I saw them at the Clowns Without Borders show early in the summer of 2008, and I absolutely loved their stuff.

Okay, on to Kazum's numbers. :) I think I'll sign out of this entry and write a separate blog about each number. Not 'cause I think that many people will much care about the ins & outs of a Kazum number, but because that way I can isolate & read about it later on. I have one subscribed reader (Alex, maybe?) but a lack of commentary reassures me that my primary audience is, as usual, myself. And honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.