Mental Meanderings

Nothing to really document, just looking for a place to vomit up what's on my mind lately.

First of all, Holy Diver (DIO) and Play With Me (Extreme). These two songs provide the bulk of my ambition to learn to play an electric guitar. I've blistered my fingers on GH and RB, and I think that the transition to actual lead isn't gonna be too tramatic for me. Plus I've got a son who's obligated to assist. All I need is sufficient stability to justify putting $100 or so into an electric guitar and amp. Meaning, knowing where I'll live for long enough to feel like I can set up fancy guitar stuff.

My plans for stability involve converting Creature's attic into my room. Mostly it's the upper window - when I first saw the house it called to me powerfully. "Live HERE!" it said. That's way better than "Death awaits within" or "Run now", which are two of the more common haunted-house messages. Anyway, Creature's offered to let me install the Alice In Wonderland door (the White Rabbit's escape route) in the ceiling above the stairtop. Then there'd be the equivalent of a pullup bar in the opening, requiring the hopeful entrant to pike and kip up into the room itself, unless a suitably trained acrobat happens to be nearby to lift and assist. The only drawback I can see is that it'd be tough to show my room to my mom (who is short and stout) and if I ever take an injury (like the spinal vertebrae slips I'm prone to) I can't get into my room.

I got chewed out by Doc, Alysia, and Doc's good friend Ursula, for voicing my concerns about Doc & Alysia's dating. Doc (bless his heart) asked me to meet with him to discuss it. I like that - he took the bull by the horns. I totally respect that, and it was a good meeting and I think we're pretty much squared away as long as I stop sharing my opinions & concerns. That's cool; I gave back some of the crap that *I* took when I was dating a teenager last year. I also got to express to both Doc & Alysia why I (and others) are concerned. That's about as much as one can hope for in these situations, so I feel well served. Ursula was pretty hostile, but I think we resolved that via private messaging, so overall I'm delighted with how things turned out. They'd prefer I'd remained silent like the bulk of those who have concerns... but I think that actually *hearing* the concerns is good for 'em, so I'm happy.

Things with Dawn are spectacular. Except that Dutch (whose sense of dudeaic chivalry is grossly underdeveloped) is now introducing Dawn as my girlfriend. That makes me goad her to hook up at LIB (I offered her Alex, and he's a sweet gift) so that I don't feel compulsed to hook up, myself. I just don't wanna see our relationship spiral into "you're not making me happy" which is what the last few relationships I've had have spiraled into. I blame my lifestyle, though of course that's partially a coward's way out - I *could* be a good boyfriend *and* a circus acrobat. I just *don't* seem to do both, very well. Maybe it's the girl - but I think the bulk of the responsibility lies on my shoulders.

Uli was surprised recently when I beat her to the punch in explaining that my Funseeking is just a new version of my old escapes from emotional negativity. She mentioned that often I already know what the issues are 'cause I'm pretty self-aware. It was really validating to hear that - I'm used to recovery spaces where people praise that acquired skill heavily. In the Real World it's often assumed to be nonexistent. I miss places where I wasn't Selling Stupid quite so often, and I get to exercise the part of me that not many people get to see. The smart part. In the circus circuit I sell Stupid way too frequently and it's become a crutch for me. It's just so much easier this way, though.

No LIB for me. That's mostly okay. I can't afford it, and I always feel sad and disappointed when I trade off Boyweekends for Fun. Amanda is a no-go... she is the most screened lover I've ever had, I think. That's fine, but it makes me feel a little sad & used. She doesn't mind being my date when things are secret or safe, but I'm a back-burner kind of guy to her and I've got enough self-esteem/ego to not enjoy that. Mostly I just yearn to hang out with Alex. He homesteaded quite a few acres of my heart and I miss him desperately. Zac, too... those guys are my guy lifemates but both of 'em headed off for distant ports.

I miss Jem, too. I keep almost going over there but then I have other obligations that intervene. I also feel like there's some underlying hostility. It seems to have matured during the Joey breakup but I think there's more to it than that. I love Jem but I have a hard time being around folks who are upset with me. Part of it is selfless - I don't like being a negative influence, at all. But a bigger part is selfish - I dislike being around people who are upset/concerned with me. And Jem has issues (very valid issues) about my lifestyle, my hypocrisy, and my selfishness. It's not so much that I wanna dodge that... it's more that I'm aware of the issues and I feel mostly helpless to affect 'em. And trying can have catastrophic results. Funseeking works way better than any of my other band-aids. I fear mucking with it.

I sure do love my job. Within a class or two I become the favorite Coach of my students. Parents love me. And I thrive on teaching kids to learn. The gymnastics stuff is fun, for sure... but mostly what I like is building young minds. Each time I praise a kid, they glow, and I love it. Instead of moving data around for some corporation to make more money, I'm building youths into adults. I never thought I could do that safely but finally at long last I have confidence in my ability to do so. I much prefer kids and parents to a cubicle and Excel.

I kinda wish my body would hurry up and break down. I've had a helluva run in the circus acrobat gig and I'm satisfied. I don't believe that I can uphold my actual moral convictions in this lifestyle, and I sure do miss the peace and serenity and reverence that accompany a *good* lifestyle. I'm really enjoying the "don't hurt others while seeking self-gratification" kind of life. It's so odd to me that so very many people embrace it as the ultimate morality... I'm continually boggling. But it's where I've finally accepted being, and it's got everything other than true happiness, so what am I complaining for, eh?

I've met so many wonderful people and I wish I were providing an example of what I believe in. I'm a good enough guy and I suppose I should be happy that's recognized... but compared to the *real* good people I'm a shameful farce, and it amazes me how little is required to earn a "good guy" label in the society in which I'm immersed. The Robert Parks and Jerry Christiansens of the world are truly rare. I'm deeply grateful to have had so many astoundingly *good* people in my childhood. And, of course, leading that list is my mama-san. She's coming to visit soon and I'm really excited! :)

I'm gonna go look up chords for Holy Diver now (it's been alternating with Play With Me, which is a bit much to bite off as an Intro To Lead project).

Crazy fun weekend

On Friday Kazum had two shows.

The first was from 6 to 7 for New Avenues for Youth. It was a fundraiser or benefit or something. Lots of ritzy folk in nice clothes. There were a few kids - two brightly glowing girls of about 8 and 11 watched us with huge eyes and much clapping. They made that gig for me - it's hard to entertain to the level that these kids were obviously feeling. I pulled 'em up and stunted with 'em, and they got our autographs, and we took a group photo with 'em. If I was reading things right, we were the high point of these girls' year 2010. What an amazing experience and honor.

We ran through very nearly every stunt we do in that hour. It was awesome. Those folks got quite a bit of bang for their buck - 7 acrobats throwing an hour's worth of crazy stuntery. Yay!

Then we scampered to the Bossanova - oh how I love that venue. It was Wanderlust's Wild Woman - the first of 4 monthly installments. Jem was there - yay! :) So were several of my students. Jessica the stunt addict, Kendra and Caitlyn whom I've had a crush on for weeks, Gregory the super-in-shape climber from my adult tumbling class. Just before the show started I saw Joey walk in and sit down by Jem. It was odd - but I was happy to see her there. I kinda hoped that maybe she was less - distant-if-not-hostile. After the show I said hi and told her I was glad she'd come. She was ice-cold and monosyllabic and I backed off in confusion and just kind of avoided interacting with her the rest of the night. She was warm & friendly to everyone, but didn't look at me or acknowledge my existence again the rest of the night. It's odd to be treated that way - but understandable and certainly acceptable. Just kinda surreal and ... odd.

We did our own makeup, and Alysia really came through with some TMNT-style eyemask-looking makeup. And then we were on.

The first bungle was my shoulderstand on Dutch's feet. We barely held it and I was off on timing 'cause I was pretty sure I was about to have to shoulder-roll out of a drop.

Next, I missed a throw-to-stand with Miranda. I'm almost sure it was my fault. We *never* miss those - except twice now in shows. *sigh* We hurried it back up there and threw the full-down from half-mast. :( Still cool. But after an obvious drop.

I followed this bungle with a failed calf-pop on Dutch. A *calf-pop*. Halfway up I decided it was good enough to go to foot instead of knee, per our usual MO. It wasn't; I bailed right in an obvious fail. I hopped right back up and pulled a wobbly Chinese Star (aka Diamondhead) up. HUGE crowd reaction. They nearly blew me over. That's when I realized that this crowd was super-enthusiastic.

The last drop wasn't me, at least. Doc was having a hell of a tough night with muscle fatigue. He and Dutch couldn't manage the arm-to-arm, and thought we got a good calf-pop, he put all he had into that and we didn't have time to extend. Probably for the best; we would've had slim odds of holding it.

Other than the drops, the routine was awesome. It could've been a *superb* performance. Instead it was only good with occasional flubs. I think we all felt good overall, though.

Lions came quick; we had to slap-dash the final makeup on. Then Miranda & James were late so Noah & Uli and I had to kinda vamp for a while. Once we got going, though, it felt like Lions was energetic and wild. Two people have given high props to Miranda's leoninity. She was rockin' it out there.

It all hit, felt sharp, and felt in character. A good-to-great Lion performance, for sure.

Final bows was a Big Sexy, with Clover. We rocked it and the crowd roared. Yay!

Then it was time to circulate and mingle. A girl I dated last week was there, so she became my date for the rest of the evening. It was wonderful... she didn't mind at all that I'm social butterfly boy with a billion little sisters.

As the afterparty plans gelled it became apparent that Joey was coming to Wackolicious. Same situation - odd and awkward with the stone-cold silence, but probably only for me and I can cope, so good for Joey for staying integrated with my entire world without requiring a tie through me to do it. She seemed to have much fun, and she's awesome friendly to everyone who ain't cheated on her recently, so my bit of awkwardness can be dealt with.

Still, it was tough. I didn't want to not be on a date in order to avoid making out in front of my old girlfriend. And I didn't want to not stunt, or not bounce about, or not talk with people she's talking with. I really don't think she wants me to drop out of my own scene on her account... she isn't like that. I think we're both able to deal with the awkwardness, and everyone else can follow our lead just fine.

So, I bounced from loved one to loved one. I asked Creature at one point if he was making good decisions and he gave me a baffled, "I don't know!" It turns out he had Noah's thumbs-up, though, and it was all good.

Jess and Brandy were hilarious. They get aggro, a bit - I saw Jess punch Brandy in the chest. When I laughed, Jess looked at me and roared, "What, yeah, I punched her boob!" Cracked me up. They both ended up a little too tipsy to drive, and they bumped into Noah. When he heard their plaintive cries of, "We need someone to take us home," he gallantly shushed them - two gorgeous drunken acrobats desperately in need of a ride somewhere. I assigned Bre the job of driving them home, and gave her permission to do with them as she would.

I stunted with Brittany but only briefly. :( Anna and I stunted bunches, and I stunted with Caitlyn a lot as well. Dutch stunted with Joey, which warmed my heart. I don't want her to feel left out or upstaged or challenged or anything.

It was a wild, crazy, fun night. :)

Then we started winding things up. My date talked me into coming home with her even though it was way too late and I had to work at 8:45 in the morning. Then I discovered that she was giving Jem and Joey a ride out to Jem's in Beaverton.

It was so surreal having my injured ex-girlfriend be my virtual chaperone right up to the door of my 2nd date since our breakup. It should've felt downright stalkerish. It didn't; I trust Joey very much not to be freaky. Plus, she's still cold sober and a pretty different Joey than I knew and loved. I think its awesome.

Just *so* weird to have an estranged ex-GF in such close proximity at a very Scott event, up to the ride home with my date.

I got up early and my ladyfriend gave me a ride to the gym in plenty of time for class. At noon-thirty Creature & Noah & Uli picked me up for our afternoon gig - the Ladies' Red Hat Society pre-Cirque show. It was a smashing success: they loved All About Love, as well as Russ & Sugar Cane. Brittany got a standing ovation - very very cool.

Uli and I each took a third of the proceeds, and put the other third into the fund. Way cool to have enough money to get food and make a payment on my student loans.

We all hung out for a while, then I went on a 3rd date with the mystery girl. I'm hoping to keep her identity quiet 'cause lots of my people know her and I don't wanna be the center of a soap-opera kind of situation. I just want to go on dates with girls and not try to be caught up in a relationship. Not right now. Who knows where I'll be living next month. I can't afford Creature's rent without working for rent - even if I had a big room and running water, it's too much and I can find much cheaper for the same space. Anyway - I wouldn't wish me on any girl right now as a boyfriend.

Sunday was mostly chill and lazy. Went to the park for a picnic - very fun. Went to a healing meeting with various hippy/green/goddess ladies. It was awesome. Got some essential oils.

Then I headed into Circus Stunting class with Clover. I went over to her place afterward and hung out with her and Caitlyn. We watched the first episode of Firefly - excellent. :)

Today was mad stuntery. My adult gym class was awesome, and Doc & Jess & Alysia stayed after for about 3 hours. We stunted like mad, and did gymnastics and took pictures and video. Superfun! :)

Now I'm at home. Tomorrow I'm gonna do the last bits of work around the house for rent, and then the work's dried up. :(

I sure love my life, though. It's amazing and I want to wallow in it while it's lasting.

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - The Backstory

Three weeks ago Kazum returned from the Moisture Festival and realized that we had to choreograph a whole new routine for the San Francisco trip. That's really where last weekend began.

An unlikely duo stepped up to the plate due to Uli's school activity coupled with both of our fliers' superbusy dating life. It's tough being a dazzling, costumed acrobat girl. So many parties to attend. ;) No, really, they both work a lot and Uli's school schedule has been crushing her.

Dutch and I agreed to spearhead the new routine, which James eventually christened the "Death Blossom" in honor of a way cool weapon name from the Last Starfighter. If you don't know that show, please remove yourself from my FaceBook friends-list. We basically took one of our toughest routines "Planet Claire" with me & Dutch & the girls, and hacked it down a bit. Then we added a 5th person and our other hardest number - "Birthday". But we really needed to Doctor it up a bit so we threw in some Adagio and other Doc-friendly tricks, culminating in a big 6-person Candelabra.

Dutch and I paid lip-service to how freaking difficult and exhausting this routine would be. But we've both got enough machismo to gloat on the inside. We paid for that arrogance in sweat - both our own and others'. Doc looked like he had been white-water rafting at the end of the set on Saturday night, and James & the girls weren't so fresh-looking, either. But Dutch and Scott, the Meatloaves of Kazum, really bore the brunt of the exhaustion, I think.

It was sad to choreo Ari outta the routine, but he can't make the performance dates. :(

As we worked on it, Doc and James surreptitiously injected their special magic into the routine. They both kinda went with, "Sit out for the first half of it? I think not." And what they added is spectacular - yet they were careful not to eclipse or steal thunder. Excellent choreography shout-outs to both of the Kazum Ninjas.

Doc & Dutch have been putting in mad extra hours, too. Both of their stunting & spotting have increased remarkably in the last 2 months. Big kudos to them for extra efforts! That's the way to hone your stunt game - work it outside of regularly scheduled practice time.

Forward to last week - we've still not gone through the whole 5.5-minute stuntfest yet. Even blocking it is still rough. Some tricks were still tagged "in progress but hey we'll get it won't we?" Typical Kazum errata; nothing new there. But still pretty scary.

As we so adroitly do, we pulled it together. I had a hard time staying focused due to anguish over Joey and what I did. (Quick summary: I broke up with her by cheating on her.) I was also stressing about covering rent, finding a place to live, working as many extra hours as I could manifest, and not sleeping nearly enough.

But we did it! Death Blossom is a great routine with lots of amazing stuff in it. It rockets into action with an early Basket Toss, and finishes up with dazzling Adagio and a huge angular Candelabra. It's not to musical cues other than the first 8 measures or so, so it can be fit to any music. We're well pleased.

Circus & Relationship let-down blues

So, breaking up with Joey was tough and painful 'cause I deserved it and I hurt her. But then I had lots of busy-ness going on with working for Creature, stunting a ton, and prepping for the San Francisco trip. Facebook is a reminder of the painfulness - pictures of Joey and comments from Joey. But part of my busy-ness included no real online access. So, I was mostly distracted.

Now I'm back into the normal, boring old groove of my life. And now I'm missing Joey a lot, as well as missing the distraction & fun & emotional balm of circus camaraderie.

Despite that, I never quite find myself wishing that Joey and I were still together, somehow. I'm not 100% sure why that is, especially since she stopped drinking and that was one of the biggest challenges I had in our relationship.

I do keep finding myself wishing I'd just broken things off instead of stepping out and betraying the relationship. :( That really eats at me. Dutch and Sara are great at reminding me of that, which I appreciate. I don't want a free pass, or to be distracted instead of hurting. I want to shoulder the consequences of my choice and be impacted by them.

In San Francisco I got lots of snuggling and fun. Amanda came out to see me, and she had clearly designated herself as my arm-candy. Very friendly, dancing with me, always standing next to me - it was wonderful. But Dutch's "No Action for Two Weeks" decree weighed on me. It turns out that Amanda wasn't there to sleep with me, anyway - she was just arm-candy. I'm not gonna claim 100% satisfaction with that... but all things considered I'm really glad it worked out that way. Sex with guilt attached wouldn't have been good. There was enough guilt about just the cuddly stuff & kissy stuff.

It was also nice to be attached. There were a bunch of hungry-eyed ladies at the show, and they were smiling at us Kazum boys like panthers eyeing a couple of plump bunny rabbits. I don't want to experience rock-star style casual hookups with hot babes. It freaks me out. I like people way more than I like flesh, and casual hookups are about flesh way more than they're about people.

Getting to know Jess & Brandy & Brittanie was super fun. Again, there wasn't any romantic pressure there - none of 'em are at all interested in me for whatever reason, so I can relax and just hang out with them. Yay! The AWOL girls were crazy fun. Spending the car ride back with Brittanie was also way fun. She was raised Mormon, and it's tough to see her as a hot girl now. At the same time, she's super attractive to me - I understand Mormon girls, very much, and I really bond well with them. That makes me (mostly) glad that she's too young for me and uninterested in me, to boot.

Lulu was really friendly at the show, as well. She's been friendly in the past, and I always seem to have a relationship or a date at the time. Lame. I'd love to kiss Lulu. Even more, though, I'd love to hang out with her and get to know her. I only ever see her at big festive parties and afterparties.

I also love hanging out with Anna. Again, she's not at all interested in me for whatever reason, and that leaves us free to snuggle and cuddle and hang out without any romantic pressures. :) She's another girl that would be big trouble if she liked me.

Adrienne is another matter. She used to go on at length about how much she wanted to be my lover, but since reconnecting with her after breaking up with Joey, she's not been at all romantically forward. Maybe it's just Dutch's hostile "Two Weeks!" energy. But it's for the best, I think... as Dutch would say, I don't deserve rebound action. And, painfully, I agree with him.

But I've been dating someone or other for the last year or so, and I'm into my 2nd week without any lovin's. It's difficult. And that's okay. If I strive to be honest with myself, that's even excellent. Just tough.

This somehow turned into a "list the girls I'm crushing on" kind of post. Lame.

Back to the circus. :)

I wanna be on the Wanderbus more in the future. The car is great! But it's just got less people to get to know. I did enjoy reciting my entire repertoire of poems while driving through northern California in the early AM. Everyone else was asleep (though Andy caught some of it) which lets me just relax and not be nervous about soliloquizing. I'm oddly shy for someone who's so often spammy and powerfully extroverted.

Playing drinking games with Dutch and Uli and the AWOL ladies was spectacular. I didn't spend much time with my all-time favorite AWOL girl on this trip, sadly - Alysia was usually doing things where I wasn't. :( But she was quite adequately entertained, as was I, and I sure hope that we'll resume our hanging-out patterns now again despite the interference of a certain Kazumite who's started monopolizing her time. :)

I didn't spend much time with Uli or Miranda, either. On Kazum-only tours we get way more time together. I can't wait for more of that. I love those girls very much.

Brittany Walsh is a stunt-goddess! She also doesn't know how to say "no". Pretty much the perfect girl for me. Off-limits, super-stunty, no inhibitions about stunting. Right on.

I feel bad, as though I stole Kae's dream girl. Amanda came for me, and was there to be my date, but both Temple and Kae were crushing on her pretty hard (and who wouldn't be, good heavens).

I really need to blog out a chronological order of events for this trip, for my own memory if nothing else. And... Clover just called and I need to go pick up my bike. So, this is the end of this disjointed ramble.

I miss Zac. *sigh* And Alex. Why can't they both live close by again? I haven't had a best friend for months, now.

Polyamory

About a week ago I was wrestling with whether or not, and how, to break up with my girlfriend. A few days into that I decided to do it via cheating on her via a casual fling with a girl I'd just met. I'm still undecided on the wisdom of that decision. I should've attempted to break up with her first, and then cemented it with a fling. And it's not like I was all about breaking up, and uninterested in the fling. But things worked out so that I could take the easy, quick way out. I have been agonizing about that choice ever since. Plus, I've been missing my girlfriend fiercely.

My last three relationships (Gaelen, Mary and Joey) have convinced me of a few things. Most pertinent and important, I've become convinced that I'm in a lousy place to be a boyfriend. My life is chaotic and centered around myself - my kids, my work, my Kazum, my stunting, and my funseeking. Although my ladyfriends have been very willing to date me despite my "can't be a very dedicated boyfriend" clause... that willingness fades with time, and that doesn't repair itself with reminders of "but we decided we were gonna be fairly non-dedicated". Joey is in a similar situation (jobless, distant) but we still seemed to adapt into a pretty darn dedicated relationship... along with the accompanying obligations and pressures that seem so tied-up into relationship problems.

The next important thing I've realized is that I'm dating among a pool of people I will simply never be in a good place to date seriously. I'm dating people who drink & smoke & do all the things I do - all of the things that I certainly don't want to do forever. I'm dating among a pool of people who are not only "not Christian" but pretty firmly set in the "anti-Christian" camp. I repress my religious beliefs as a matter of course simply 'cause the bulk of my peer group are anti-Christian... but repressing it from my girlfriend is more difficult. None of my girlfriends have had any interest in learning more about the beliefs that I hold, and that my kids are living. It makes sense; I don't live my religion and other than expressing that I believe in it wholeheartedly, I repress it. That repression is just another facet of my lifestyle that makes me think I'm just not in a good place to be a boyfriend. I'm pretending to be without beliefs... but deep down, I'm not really without beliefs, and those beliefs are still core values even though I don't live them. I'll never marry someone who's got no interest in my religion, so it's not really fair to date someone who doesn't have any such interest.

And finally - just because I want a monogamous relationship doesn't mean that I'm capable of doing a good job in one. Up until last week I've done a great job of being faithful and safe, but it's constant work and there's always a risk of being hit on by some cutey. Once a relationship moves past the honeymoon phase, and into the "real work needs to be done" phase, the temptation to exit via a backdoor rises. I can't put anyone else through what I put Joey through. She's a wonderful lady who certainly didn't deserve the breakup I delivered to her. I'm sure I'll meet another wonderful lady who is just as undeserving of a betrayal, but I'm not at all confident I won't betray.

Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

I've never believed in it. I don't think I do, still. But at the same time, I think it's the most appropriate way for me to not be single. I could just be single, of course... but without a girlfriend as a motivation, I'm not very bloody likely to resist hooking up with interested girls. That'd be great if I just wanted random partners, but all my life I've strongly tended toward emotionally-invested, serious relationships. I much prefer them. Lots of action with lots of people isn't how I want to live.

So I think I'll explore polyamory and see if I can make that work for me, while using it to safeguard the girls I date. I don't want to hurt anyone else the way I hurt Joey - though honestly I don't know how hurt she is. Offended and upset, but I've been surprised by how quickly and thoroughly she left "us" behind. I've never been so cleanly dumped before. That's a good thing; it's more clean and quick than I could've ever guessed. That weighs in toward "it was probably more effective and thorough than trying to 'manually' break up".

I need to keep my lifestyle more isolated from my kids. I think it's probably a good idea not to bring them into contact with people I date. When Joey and I were having some trouble a few weeks ago, the boys missed a serious conflict by about 3 minutes 'cause they were late being dropped off. If they'd been there during the conflict, the relationship with Joey would have ended very badly right then. I've got way too much baggage around being yelled at & having things thrown and broken, while my kids are present. They and I lived through a few hellish years of that with Heather and I'll go to pretty extreme measures to ensure that they don't have to deal with that again. That conflict, more than anything else, convinced me that Joey and I wouldn't be able to progress in our relationship.

So, while I'm dating girls who drink and don't believe in Christ, I really oughtta not put them around my kids. *sigh* Lame. There are a host of reasons, including setting examples as well as keeping my own personal behaviors in line with the beliefs I profess to my boys. If I'm around a girl I'm dating I'm more likely to expose the boys to behaviors that I can keep much more under control when it's just me. Swearing, drinking, smoking, etc. As well as volume of time - girlfriends demand time and on boy-weekends that time is *theirs*.

That's okay. I can be a much more dedicated dad on boy-weekends, and keep my funseeking lifestyle separate. That's better for everyone concerned, I think.

Kazum Shows

We haven't done any paying gigs since White Album. We did a cool benefit for Clowns without Borders, which went really well. Everyone feels like it was our best performance of Piggies ever. Doc's doing a bang-up job, increasing his skillset constantly and drilling all the time. Dutch is taking a more involved role in group decisions and choreography - Uli seems to be handling that pretty darn well. Yay!

Here's a shot of the Candleabra from the CwoB benefit:

And here's Dutch's favorite stunt, the Big Sexxy:

Oh, Uli and Aspen separated. They're still friends, which is great. Uli's dating one of Emily's roommates, a dapper gentleman named Daniel. Aspen's seeing a girl named Emily who's one of Dutch's biker friends. I hung out with Aspen and Wacko just a week or two back, which was much fun. It ended up getting me and Clover invited to perform with them for Covers and Blankets.

Clover has been stunting with us (primarily me) heavily. We're moving forward with plans to teach Circus and/or Stunting classes at the Playground Gym, smack-dab in the middle of the Egg and Rose City Gym. Perfectly located. The Covers and Blankets gig was our first performance together. Honestly, it was kind of a train wreck. Rather than the opening Pop & Go Extension we downsized to a Chair - and still dropped the first attempt. *blush* Our timing was choppy, we agonized through a badly-off-balance Dead Goat spin, and we threw the Star prep too early twice before finally getting on beat with the music. The costume that seemed so fun ended up being a lot more lewd than I would've chosen if I'd been thinking about the venue. I'm not all broken up about things, but I'm disappointed in how things turned out. At the same time, it was our first gig together, with 2 days of prep-time, and it wasn't an official show, so it was a great gig to be choppy for.



Prior to that Kazum did Piggies for a private press show at the Bossanova, and that went great and was very well received. I'm still kind of surprised each time we do it - surprised that we can get all 7 people onstage and make it look good. I'm also very pleased that Kazum can function with 7 people and not rip ourselves apart at the seams. We've come a really long way since when I joined.

We did a photo shoot last Friday at the Someday Lounge. It was pretty sweet. I'm hoping to see and post some excellent stuff. :)

New Digs - Back with Haus

I spent a fair bit of the Christmas season packing & moving. It took 4 or 5 van-loads to transfer all of my stuff, furniture, clothes, etc. to Haus' place. Most of it went into the garage; my bedroom is even smaller than the room I had in Beaverton. Although in Beaverton I also had my own living room and kitchen and bathroom. At Haus's place I don't keep things anywhere other than my room or the garage. It's a house of constant clutter and mess, with cats and dogs that poop & pee everywhere. For some reason I fail to comprehend, they give their dogs stuffed animals as playtoys. I can't imagine a better way to train a dog to rip apart furniture, blankets and clothing. The dogs are understandably confused each time they're cussed out for chewing up some soft things, after being encouraged to chew up other soft things. Their punishment & rewards are almost completely arbitrary, poor critters. Same with the boys. It's a tough environment for me to be in... but I've lived through lots worse, and I feel like I make things better there, for both the dogs and the boys. Haus, too. I'm afraid Dana's not happy about me being there; I'm one thing that she can't completely control 'cause I'm an adult. I will be unsurprised if she becomes increasingly miserable. :( I'm trying to minimize my impact and cater to her whims... but they're pretty sporadic and difficult to predict, and I don't think it's actually my impact that's impacting her. We'll have to see, I suppose.

I'm working more and more hours at Rose City. I love it. I love teaching kids, from the UberCute 3 & 4's to the eager & bubbly 5 & 6's to the amazingly talented 7-12 kids. Boys are almost always more difficult to work with but I'm wonderfully experienced at working with (relatively) large pools of testosterone. Even when I have to crack down on the boys, they respond well and they dig me. I love seeing big smiles and hearing, "Teacher!" when the kids see me. Now & then I bump into students outside of work and they're obviously tickled pink and proud to see their own teacher out in the world. Aw. I get hugged now & then, and told "I love you" now & then. It's a wonderful job for me. The management is friendly and the other coaches are great. They're all younger, by far, which kinda means that they treat me like an adult instead of a peer. That's cool; I don't really feel any impact from any work politics, and I like that.

Joey and I are doing wonderfully! Partly because we seem super-compatible and partly because we live so far away, it feels like we're still going strong with the Honeymoon phase of our relationship. At some point we'll have to deal with conflict and disagreement, but so far it's been almost entirely smooth sailing. We see each other at least once a week, somehow... bus lines run to McMinnville for $2. She comes to visit me on some weekends and I visit her often as well. Sascha likes me just fine, and the boys have accepted Joey & Sascha. It's awesome. :)

And that's been the gist of my life since Christmas. I work 3-4 days a week, I Kazum a lot, alternate weekends are boypacked, and a lot of my free time is spent with Joey. Every few weeks I dress up and do a show and get to be a superstar celebrity with a gorgeous girlfriend. I'm not nearly as broke as I used to be, though I'm still making less than I'm accruing in back Child Support each month. :( My next paycheck should be garnished in half, though, so I'll be accruing a less Child Support debt each month. That'll also leave me less than $200 a month to live on, though. Ah, well. Even though I'm poor I'm living an amazing life and I'm very happy.

Ramping up to Christmas

My life is really different than it was a year ago, when I had a job and stability. Yet, despite the nearly-complete lack of money, I'm pretty darn happy.

A year ago I sat in cubicle in a big cement building. My job wasn't miserable, at all! But it wasn't often enjoyable, either. I had some friendly co-workers but they weren't really my friends. I had stability and financial security, but I spent so much time on those things.

Now I'm almost always flat broke. The biggest impact from that is that I'm not meeting child support obligations. Everything else I can get through. Both Heather & Celia are remarried and supported elsewhere ... which doesn't, of course, release me from my obligation in any way. But it affords me the luxury of not getting an utterly miserable job, like when I worked for the auto body shop. That's gotta be the worst job I've ever worked.

But even though I'm broke... I have so much time! Usually I don't utilize much of it, but in the last few weeks I've been able to spend that time beneficially. Between moving myself, moving my sister, Kazum & shows, and work... I've been really busy. It would've been horrible to be this busy with a full-time job. *shudder*

I'm really excited about the Christmas holidays with the boys. I'm planning on lots of D&D. Plus reading to them, and Guitar Hero (Haus got a PS2 for Dana's kids for Christmas). I may also spend a day or two at Jem's place... he'll be super-lonely after Tasha's vacated, and the kids love it there. So do I. He's superb with kids and they dig him, too.

I'm all giddy and a-flutter over Joey. We chat now & then on the phone, and she sends me the most delightful, long emails. She's infatuated with me, just as I am with her. Since we're both broke and confined to our relative remote corners of Oregon, we can't overdose on one another. Instead we pine and jones. When we finally get to see each other we're gonna fuse together at the face, methinks.

I hope that she can come visit for New Year's Eve. I also hope that Kazum will get a gig that I can bring Joey to. She's spectacular arm-candy (not that that's her primary draw) and I want to preen and grin and be obnoxiously pleased with my good fortune. Honestly, I'd be just as happy being locked into a room with her... but a big fun party is cool, too.

I work on Christmas Eve - odd for the gym to be open, but hey, it's hours that I desperately need. I'm hoping that we can get Tasha packed & bustled off in time for me to volunteer at a soup kitchen with Nico & Noah & some other Wanderlust folk. I used to take the boys to the soup kitchen once a month or so, but since losing stability we've not gone for a looooong time.

After volunteering I'll work from 4 to 6, and then hustle over to Emily's place for Christmas Eve dinner. Yay! I'm hoping that Doc will come along, too.

Then it's back to my (Haus's) place. Haus & Dana & the boys are spending Christmas Day with Dana's mom, so I'll have half a day to clean & tidy things to prepare for the boys' arrival. I'm nervous about their extended visit; I'm not really set up for Benjaminions. At the same time I'm excited for it.

I have a gift card for Powell's, but other than that my Christmas funds are less than $5. :( That's kind of okay; Christmas isn't about gifts. But it's really tough 'cause I don't have anything for the boys. :(

I played guitar & sang for Dana's boys last night, and had much fun doing so. I played for Haus & Eric & Dana, too. I love having folk to play for!

Okay, it's almost 2 am. Time to sleep for a few hours before the final long haul to get Tasha off on her long haul. We're all postponing the sad, but soon it has to crash home. :(

White Album Christmas 2009 - second show

The second White Album show went a little better than the first, overall. Miranda & I dropped our Cupie - cursed Cupie! But everything else went well and the show was a success.

Remember a few months ago when Dutch & I stunted with a gorgeous lady named Joey in Kazum panties? Well, Dutch & I (mostly Dutch) have stayed in touch with Joey, and she got herself into town for the show despite huge challenges in doing so. Joey's a single mom who lives about an hour south of Portland. She does techie work with computers and she's been really scrounding for work lately, so she's nearly as broke as I am. She's supermodel-pretty, and she has an adorable 9-year-old son named Sascha whom I've only briefly met.

I got Joey into the show, and she'd brought Dutch and I gifts - homemade Irish Creme Liquor. Yum!

After the show we all meandered to the basement speakeasy - my favorite place in the world to have afterparties! Clover was there, even more anxious to stunt than I was, which is an accomplishment. We ran through our stunt sequences, though it was outside on pavement in the dark and that put a damper on things somewhat. We still did well, though. I can't wait until we move into the harder stuff!

I wasn't sure if Joey was interested in me, but it turns out that she was. Yay! Despite being broke & nearly homeless, the last week has seen me attracting the interest of two of the hottest ladies I've ever had the good fortune to get to know. And they dig me - surely a side-effect of oxygen deprivation from being elevated in stunts.

Anyway, Joey went home with me to Clackamas. I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future - we're both carless and broke. It's fairly pathetic. But we made a strong connection and I'm hoping to spend lots of time with her. I don't want more pretty girls to fall into relationships with... I much prefer a monogamous relationship. Might Joey be such a committed relationship? It's possibly too early to tell, but I sure am holding on to high hopes of spending more time with her when we can make that happen.

So, to summarize my life - I'm mostly unemployed, still moving my stuff out of Mary's basement, working for rent in Clackamas, yet still living a fun-filled life of adventure and excitement surrounded by excellent people I love deeply. I'm gonna seriuosly miss Dutch & Uli & the other Kazumites over the Christmas holidays.

My life is far better than it has any right to be. I'm deeply grateful for that, and especially for the amazing people who are responsible.