White Album Christmas Show - epilogue

This is from my Tribe blog, and a lot of it repeats stuff from this blog. *shrug* Deal, I guess.

What an amazing event! This was my favorite Kazum performance, yet. That's saying somethin', because Lightning in a Bottle was a blast, and the Oregon Country Fair is a FunFest of epic proportions. But I had more fun at the White Album event than I would've considered to be humanly possibly without high-quality drugs, tons of money, and a Swiss women's gymnastic troupe of questionable morals.

I think that my favorite aspect of the show was the crowd integration. Noah directed us to quietly merge ourselves into the crowd about 10 minutes before the show started. We lay down against the walls and one another, and went to sleep. We stayed there for Jasper & Noah's opening spiels, as well as the opening number. Then during the 2nd number (Dear Prudence) all of the cast gradually woke up, yawning & stretching & working out the kinks. We slowly filed backstage, preparing for the upcoming show.

It was so enjoyable to move among the audience like that! I loved it, and I think it added a great deal to the show.

During the 3rd number, there were several quick performances. First Rhys Thomas & Leapin' Louie came onstage and did some juggling. The crowd loved it. Then Cherry pranced forth in her delightfully sparkly outfit, and wowed us all with a short fire-spinning routine that gave glimpses of the amazing things to come. And finally, Kazum came spinning out of the crowd with girls in lifts. I wish we hadn't been required to devote 100% of our time in practices to learning the routines we were performing, because we didn't have enough time to work out a 5-person stunt. So we threw our staple stunt - the Chinese Star - which is a 4-person stunt. That left Alex out, and if there's anything I regret about the show, that's it. Alex is a core and integral part of the group, and he's also a great performer, not to mention blisteringly hot eye-candy. If anyone shoulda sat out of the opening stunt, it shoulda been the boring guy - moi. But the Chinese Star with me on Russ is tried-and-true. We knew we'd hit it reliably and quickly. So that's what we chose to throw. I'm really sorry that it had to be that way, though.

It's gotta be amazing to see Russ pop me up onto his shoulders; I'm not a slender fella. When I pulled the girls up into the star, the crowd busted loose with mad applause. Russ looks like a monster as he lifts me & the girls, and it's just an awesome & impressive stunt. Few people realize that basing it is fairly easy; it's the mid-level flier that really has the tough part of the trick. I'm so pleased that I can fly it, I get wood just thinkin' about it.

So, the audience-integration was wonderful. In one of the final numbers the cast circulates out into the crowd in order to dance and cheer, and that kept us integrated. The final number is slow & quiet, and we were instructed to wander out onstage and relax into a big cluster of bodies, gently going to sleep as the show concluded. It worked wonderfully well and the crowd thundered with applause as the music concluded.

After audience integration my favorite part of the show was the visual continuity. We had one costume designer who spearheaded creation of our clothing. Melody led a team of dedicated ladies - I'm not sure who all was involved but I saw a picture of Cherry, Meghann and Kate hard at work building the Kazum dudes' vests. All of the costumes shared the theme of patchwork fancy - bright and flamboyant but made of odds & ends thrown together haphazardly. It worked beautifully.

Adding to the magic was a coordinated makeup theme that mirrored the costuming ambiance. Robert is an amazingly talented makeup artist who also happens to be a really interesting & friendly guy. Assisting him in his efforts was Naia, who Kazum often gets the delightful pleasure of working with. Naia always takes care of me and I appreciate her more than I can express. They were the primary makeup artists, though quite a few people kicked in their talents. The results were spectacular: darkly sparkly minimalistic makeup that really amplified the theme of a backalley circus.

The next tier of excellence was, in my opinion, the onstage talent. I can't really differentiate between band members and performers, because both categories were astoundingly impressive. I'll start with the band, because B (and) comes before P (erformers).

John Averill was the sassiest and arguably most noticeble musician, simply 'cause lead vocals are sassy & noticeable. He outdid himself, delivering a musical experience that shook the walls. Screaming along beside him was a lead guitarist whose name I've forgotten, but that guy made my eyes bleed on at least 2 separate occasions. He wrenched sounds from his strings that were mindblowing. Heavy thunder was provided by a percussionist who reminds me of Animal from the Muppet Show, though he's not nearly as furry nor aggressive as Animal. He did, however, get pretty damn aggressive in complimenting and hitting on my girlfriend... which is awesome. I can't remember his name, either... I heard dozens of names at the shows and remembered remarkably few of them.

The keyboard player was Carl, which I found out several days after the show after talking with Creedence. He put the soul into the Beatles' music, and he got to rain down his music from a high vantage point atop the backstage stairs. I envied him his position, and I was awed by his skills.

I know two of the other musicians, so I'll call them out by name... but every single one of the band members was exquisite and I hate that I can't give adequate props to all of them individually.

Jason Wells played rythm guitar like a madman. He is the only person I've ever met, heard of, or been drenched by, who actually sweats more than I do. They had to install a special grate in the stage to handle the downpour that he produced while in the throes of musical orgasm. He played his frakkin' heart out up there and provided the pulse and rythm of the music that was produced.

I got a chance to take some verbal jabs at Robin before the show, as he was warming up his lips & fingers in the Hoth-like tunnels beneath the Bossinova. Alex and I were hanging around while he made sweet oral love to his tenor sax, and we were impressed and aroused by the talent he has for blowing into his closed fist. Onstage, Robin added his instrument's brassy roar, melding its voice into the amazing music that the NoWhere Band produced to wow us all.

It would've been a great show with only the band. But when the band combined with the performers... Ye Gods, I wish the Beatles could've seen this show. I believe that they would've loved it and felt honored by the tribute that was paid to them.

First in the lineup was Jasper Patterson. His role was perfectly suited to take advantage of a great number of the talents that he's a master of. He's one of the few people I know who can rival Noah at laying down high-quality, perfectly timed, impromptu bullshit. His patter is exquisite and he played the audience like an experienced whore plays a fresh young john. He really instilled the ambiance of the show in his introduction, and he kept cycling back throughout the night to keep the same spirit alive. I wanna work with him to perfect an extension while juggling; that'd kick serious ass. We did a juggling shoulder-stand, which probably looks pretty impressive but it's really a cakewalk. His sexy dress routine with Noah was perfectly executed and the crowd ate it up like courtesy 'shrooms.

The bulk of the show featured Noah & Creature stepping on Jasper's attempts to become a star. It played wonderfully.

My favorite part of every Hippodrome performance is Noah's brazen, "Laaaaaaadies and gentlemen!" It makes my heart pump and my pulse race, and it fires me up to raise the performance bar. As I listen to his off-the-cuff BS I have a tough time not grinning like the idjut I am; he is an amazing entertainer. He did his customary incredible job as MC and Ringmaster.

Nick da Creature brings his good ol' Texan ass-kickin' dread-wearin' personality into full bloom during shows like this one, and it's amazing to watch he and Noah play off of one another. Creature also managed the stage & set, and he did all that could be done to provide us with a safe & adequate performance space. I very much appreciate his efforts in that regard, in addition to admiring his talent as a performer.

If I had to say whether I was more impressed by Night Flight or the AWOL Dance collective, I'd probably gnaw off my own tongue. I'll group them together because they're all aerial performers, but they're very different and I'm a bastard for taking such liberties. These girls are, first and foremost, incredibly gorgeous. Lip-smackingly delectable. If I hadn't been newly in love with my wonderful girlfriend, I'd've drooled more than Jason Wells sweated. The ladies are picture-perfect even before costuming & makeup turns them into movie-stars. I'm not even gonna talk about their figures. That's something that must be seen to be believed.

Now that I've concluded the obligatory admiration for face & form, I'd like to move onto their real talent. They performed the most amazing & graceful aerial routines that I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of that stuff. They don't rely on sex to impress, which is something I'm often disappointed about when cute girls are showcasing tits & ass rather than demonstrating actual talent. But Night Flight & AWOL Dance take off from T&A as a baseline, climbing quickly into pure amazement. They hang suspended over the crowd, spinning and hanging and posing and smiling their 2-billion-watt smiles as they do things that human bodies aren't intended to do. And they make it look easy. Every person in the audience was riveted by the performances. It's not something that can really be described; if you want to see what's so amazing about Night Flight or AWOL Dance Collective, check out their websites and invest in an upcoming performance. It's so very worth watching!

The remaining performers were mostly solo acts, and I've had the honor and pleasure of working with & watching nearly all of them in the past. Rhys Thomas is a blast to be around and he's been performing longer than anyone I know with the possible exception of Leapin' Louie, who's been performing longer than dirt. They are so tight in their routines that they can take anything in stride and make it look planned. Their showmanship is exquisite as they juggle, balance, lasso, patter, and craft an amazing display that leaves the audience breathless and giddy. They're both a lot of fun backstage, as well, and I'm probably not going to renew the restraining order against Rhys 'cause he's kept his hands to himself for the last 2 or 3 performances, now.

I got to see the tail-end of DizzyHips' performance, where this slender & athletic guy uses an enormous tire as a hula-hoop. It was throwing him back & forth as he spun it and I got to see it from almost directly overhead, from the balcony - it was amazing. The crowd loved his routine.

I got to see a YouTube video of Cherry's flaming poi performance, but I can't find it now. I cannot fathom how she can keep those two spinning balls moving in such complex and contradictory patterns, without ever colliding or shaking. She's amazingly talented, she's heart-stoppingly beautiful, and her costume made her look like a magical nymph from another dimension as the flames darted past her like guided meteors. Her routine was breathtaking!

I'm worried that I'm forgetting performers. :( I didn't get to see some numbers 'cause I was backstage prepping for other stuff. I hope I didn't forget to describe any of the routines that I was lucky enough to actually see.

The venue itself really worked well for this event. The Bossanova is a big area, with ceilings that are almost adequate for Kazum's basket-tosses and double-stunts. That's rare for an indoor venue. Uli did get clocked in the back of the head by a ceiling fan while cradling from the Triple-Base extension during a pre-show run-through of Birthday. But she pulled herself together and we had a nearly flawless performance when it counted. The stage was wonderful, although it really sucked when we had to rechoreograph the day before the first performance because a 3-foot section of the corner had been replaced by a wall. That really cramped things. But the stage was sturdy and very nearly adequate for what we needed, and the ambiance of the Bossanova fit perfectly with the theme of the show.

Kazum's numbers came together really well. Russ choregraphed Piggies, and it's graceful and regal with some pretty impressive tricks in it despite the stately tempo. It's only 2 minutes but it's packed with amazing stuff that makes it seem longer than that. I've seen a video of Piggies on YouTube and it was really fun to watch. Miranda wasn't in it because her work/school schedule only allowed her to attend half of our practices. My favorite parts were the Juanita Barrel-Roll over the 3 guys' heads, the High Throne (aka Ass Catch) where Russ & Alex swing Uli into a toss up to a chair-like catch, and the Juanita Roll where Uli dives forward and swings under & back up. I don't think I've ever done a 3-guy-1-girl routine, and it really turned out amazingly well. I want to do more of them, now.

Birthday was our exciting, flamboyant routine. Uli choreographed it, and it came together beautifully with some wonderful musical cues that the NoWhere Band nailed perfectly every single time. Thank you, band! Birthday starts out with high-flying stuff in the background behind impressive shifting poses in the foreground, and it keeps the excitement high throughout the full 3 minutes of the song. Here's a shot of one of our opening poses. Some highlights include a Triple-Base extension that was a beast to solidify, Alex & Uli doing a dizzying Flying Squirrel, multiple Straddle-Over to chairs, a rock-solid Cupie with Miranda the super-stunter, a breathtaking Toe-Touch Basket Toss that could've been 5 feet higher if the venue's ceiling hadn't cramped our style, and a last-minute perfect-ending Double-Base Chinese Star with balloons in the girls' hands.

The whole show was exciting and amazing and more fun than I could've ever conceived of. I love the Kazum members very much and I hope that we can keep working together for years, always improving ourselves and upping the difficulty level of the routines we're capable of mastering. The Wanderlust folks are awesome and I love working with them.

Gaelen & me: First Kiss

I already wrote about our first kiss, but I just posted about it on my iHeart profile and I'm all tickled pink by how clever I am, so I'm reposting it here as well. I started by talking about Alex (new Kazum guy who quickly became my best friend).

Alex is the Big Brother Elect of his roommate, a delightful and saucy young lady named Gaelen. I met her soon after meeting him, but she obviously had no interest in Alex's geeky older pal. She was very friendly and all, but totally not my type. Short, bleached hair, obviously lesbian, kind of a fairy-punk look. Gorgeous, stylish in a "Fuck Conformity" sorta way, and about as interested in me as I am interested in pro football. (Not Very.)

After a few weeks, though, she made it past the dorky nerd exterior that hides my dorky nerd interior. But the interior is mixed with cool person, which she responded well to. After a few times hanging out together with Alex & my pals, she confessed some interest in me. Not long after that, I went on a midnight walk with her and Aaron (my sister's 20-year-old roommate who's totally awesome and one of the best guys I've ever met.) We walked through a nearby nature park, which was gorgeous at 1:00 am. She held my hand, and I was giddily elated, much like a puppy-dog who's just discovered his willy. (Aw, romantic imagery, *sigh*) At one point the night conspired to create the perfect ambiance for a First Kiss. Being a veteran of lousy ambiance, I immediately knew that something was up simply 'cause it was so very different.

"Eh, what's this?" I cleverly avoided asking the night, "Romantic ambiance?"

It was like the "Kiss The Girl" scene in the Little Mermaid, 'cept in a forest. A brook was trickling merrily past, pealing out notes of music like a chime made of delicate crystal hearts on strings. The moon was all fuzzy with cloudage, and shattered by the wildly interlacing angles of late-autumn branches. The woods were lovely, dark and deep, but I had no promises to keep, thank you Mr. Frost. Aaron was climbing busily over the brook atop a fallen tree-trunk, his attention claimed by the slippery likelihood of an early-morning plunge into whatever was making the brook act so animated. I was holding hands with an angelic vision of beauty who'd earlier confessed an inkling of attraction for me. As my eyes glanced past hers, my heart siezed itself by the ventricles and demanded, "Thump-THUMP!?" which is aortan for "Are you mental, or WHAT!?" My blood pumped avidly beneath my face, carrying the underlying message, "Kiss her you fool. Soon the frogs will be forced to start singing Disneyesque love songs."

I'm no dummy. I know a perfect moment when it's passed by, and that night I wasn't about to let it happen again. I drew my gaze back to Gaelen's angelic visage, and my heart started krumping eagerly in its bony prison. At this moment any self-respecting dude would be nearly paralyzed by worries like, "Am I coming in too fast? Does my breath reek of anything? Was that Aaron plummeting to a watery doom?" Not I! For some reason (I suspect benign alien mind-soothing rays) I was smiling gently as I bent toward her. Even when her eyes got ENORMOUS just before closing, and then there was motion as her lips met and rose toward mine, but still I failed to flub things up, which is massive freakin' proof of extraterrestrial influence or the existence of God. Then there was a big burst of light as though the moon was a strobe that had waited for eons for its perfect moment to pulse. My heart finally gave out and went soft & mushy like my head, and as the magical light faded I felt my arms pulling her against me. Good ol' arms, I'm a big fan of theirs after that little touch they came up with on their very own. I honestly have no idea how long the kiss lasted; for all I know Aaron might've been frozen in some awkward, about-to-plummet position but trying to give me my moment for an hour or more. Or maybe it was only a few seconds. Doesn't matter; time had been suitably impressed by my heart-krump and it gave me a hall pass until business was taken care of.

As we pulled apart her eyes sparkled in perfect time with the tingling I felt in my extremities. I heard chimes from somewhere nearby, like Tinkerbell was getting totally ripped on pirate rum and starting her own heavy metal fairy band. The earlier pulse from the moon had washed all the color out of everything, and Gaelen's face was sepia-toned which worked out well because her image was burned forever into my memory. All that's lacking is a superimposed old-style script reading, "Purtiest gal in Stumptown*."

We smiled goofily at one another for a moment and then time noticed us lurking outside the door of reality and gave a silent but compelling *tick*. I grinned like the fool that I was/am and leaned down for a quick follow-up peck on the lips. Sounds like a dumb thing to do (go figger) but somehow it worked out really well. We turned back toward Aaron who was caught in the act of pretending to just barely turn around and notice us. Someone said something unimportant and reality reasserted itself and didn't vanish unexpectedly again until almost 24 hours later when Gaelen took me to her bed for the first time.

But that's a whole 'nother story, and not one that gets told at all, let alone posted in a public blog.

* This makes much more sense if you know that Stumptown is one of Portland's nicknames.

Birthday

This is one of the acts we're performing for the White Album Christmas show, which is so far the most enjoyable and exciting Kazum performance I've had the pleasure of participating in.
Uli's the most common choreographer for Kazum now that Melissa's on maternity leave. She's delightfully good at choreography, though often it feels like she's very resistant to ... I wanna say any contributions but honestly it feels like it's my contributions that she's specifically resilient to. Maybe she's still playing nice with the new folk? Or maybe I'm just being overly sensitive 'cause we've worked together for long enough that the honeymoon phase is past? I honestly don't know. Anyway, she's killer-talented at choreographing and I'm uber-impressed with Birthday.

We start out with Russ & the ladies in a Three-Headed Dragon. That's one of my favorite Kazum stunts. Meanwhile, I'm lying on my back and Alex is "offstage," which on this set means "risking rectal damage from the drummer's intro" because he's standing right among the band. You see, our promised stage dimensions weren't delivered, and the night before the show we discovered that they'd taken a diagonal chunk out of our performance space. So we had to rechoreograph madly at the last minute in order to do what we've been practicing for 2 months now.

Birthday is a fast, pounding number. It's actually perfect for Kazum, though we all hated it at first. But the number we built around it has earned my undying love.

As the song starts, Russ and the ladies do some spinning and rearranging, kind of a kaleidoscopic deal. Meanwhile, I kick-pitch Alex into a high-flying front flip. Then he spins and I rush him so that he can toe-pitch me into a backflip. Next, just as Russ does a Double Popcorn-Shrimp with the girls, I toe-pitch Alex into one of the most perfect and astounding toe-flips ever seen by human eyes.

This toe-flip deserves some explanation. Alex has enormous experience and talent as a capoera guy. (There's a real word for this but I'm slightly too lazy to google it.) Capoera guys do the most amazing balancing & flipping & rolling! But they do it monkey-style, with flexed feet, and rarely do they rotate straight forward or backward - they tumble twisty. That's why Alex's back handspring is like a sideways-twisting swan dive, and it's why teaching him toe-pitches was sorta like throwing a tornado. He would twist out to the left so hard that it actually hurt my hand to throw him. (That's real hard.) No matter how much momentum I put in to counterbalance, homeboy always spun like 4 feet off to my right (his left) and it was freakin' scarey. Once he twisted right out of my hands and did a shoulder-roll, which shortened my life by 2 months or so and took my hair to a paler shade of grey.

But a few days before opening night, at our regular practice at the Egg, some arcane *click* took place (soundlessly) within the boy's twisty little mind. I threw the toe-pitch as usual, bracing for the customary wrist-wrenching feat of sideways spinnage... but instead Alex sailed neatly backward, shock written large on his short-shaven mug. I mirrored it, primarily to make him feel better, not because it felt so amazingly cool to throw a near-perfect toe-pitch. We immediately launched again... and this time he did it absolutely perfectly. There was a quarter-sized wet spot on the crotch of my shorts. He sailed nearly straight up, rode the toss like it was the Space Shuttle, then arched back with nary a trace of twistiness. My heart leapt into my throat as I saw him perfectly suspended, upside down, his forehead higher than mine. His feet sailed gracefully over, inscribing a perfect arch within an imaginary rainbow. He landed with the gentle sound of a dove coming to rest upon the brow of a virgin. I ran up and nearly raped him with excitement. Throwing a perfect toe-pitch is almost as thrilling as flying one must be.

So after Alex's simply astounding toe-pitch (which is, under conditions of optimal timing, perfectly synchronized with the girls' backflips via Popcorn Shrimp) I turn and he mounts my shoulders via a calf-pop. Now, for the record - calf-pops suck. They're clunky and slow, and really amateurish. There are far better ways to get a flyer to a shoulder-stand... but we do so many freakin' calf-pops that the concept of missing one is as foreign as the concept of Alex & Gaelen holding hands in church & singing hymns. (Aw, that'd look so cute!)

After nailing the calf-pop, I extend my arms out in a T, and then pump both arms to the beat of the music. It feels goofy, but on flim it looks pretty darn cool. Alex leaps down (we should totally replace that with a backflip, by the way) and Russ & the girls continue to do their switchery. I hop up on Russ's thighs behind him and point-swing my arms out at the crowd, as Alex belly-slides under Russ's legs and does some cool birthdayesque pose that I don't ever get to witness except on the rare occasion when we're flimming and I don't have to watch myself to critique me.

Then it's down on "birthDAY" and I cannot be late or the whole rest of the next sequence is jacked all to crud. I pants Alex... well, if I don't catch firm hold of his ankles, I pants him. Otherwise, I tug him back out from where he's camping out beneath Russ' jewels. He spins right and I spin left, as the ladies kick up to handstands. Russ catches their inside legs, one hand on each, and Alex & I catch their outside legs. We used to do it one-handed but my right shoulder thinks it's 10 years older than the rest of me, so now we do it one-handed. Russ leads the heft and before ya know it we're holding the girls up by their calves, as though they're beef carcasses. Well, veal carcasses. Or maybe sheep carcasses; they be tiny.

We ingeniously named this stunt "The Carcass." Alex & I sweep our girl into a cradle and dump 'em unceremoniously out, then leap backward in preparation for one of the more scary portions of the show.

Uli does a low dive-roll toward Alex and Miranda does the same toward me. Alex and I each do a high, arching dive-roll over the low roll. This is scarey because if something goes wrong, Alex or I would make gelatin of the unlucky girl that we smashed down onto. But we generally put all kinds of OOMPH into the leap. We pop up out of the roll into a toe-touch that's eerily reliably synchronized, as Russ does a simultaneous leap-thingy behind us. Then comes the worst part of the whole routine. We've rechoreographed it several times, and it's still uber-scarey.

We move into position - from stage left it's Russ, Miranda, me, Uli and Alex. The way we'd like to do it is as a triple-based extension from ground to extension in one smooth motion, the way cheer-stunting is designed to work. Instead, we nearly always buckle and swerve, usually resulting in falling flyers and all manner of ugliness. So we've changed it up. Russ & Miranda throw a Chair, then prep for Chair-to-Stand. Meanwhile, Alex and I are double-basing Uli to a stand. I pull one hand away and take Miranda's foot, then she has like 2 counts to transfer weight to me before all 3 of the bases (now-triple-basing) pop up to extension. That's pretty darn cool, though not as cool as ground-to-extention. We hold for the rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat musical cue, then cradle. I step out and the remaining dudes cradle their flyers.

Russ & Miranda throw a barrel-roll (ridiculously easy but way cool-looking nonetheless) while I throw a back-tuck. Lately my tuck has dripped with suckage. :( Meanwhile, Alex & Uli pop up to the Flying Squirrel. That's one of our few amazing tricks that isn't copied from Juanita & the Ganjou brothers. Instead, it's copied from a really incredible dance duo that we idolize almost as much as J & the GBs. As they spin madly about, Russ and I lift Miranda into ... I don't remember the name. I call it the Volcano Sacrifice 'cause it looks like we're about to hurl Miranda the virgin (heh) into a flaming pit to satiate some fell deity. We don't, though. Like he'd accept her anyway. "VIRGIN? PAH!" Knowing this, we instead just spin once and then Miranda back-arches down Russ' back, while Alex is positioning himself behind me and giving me a quick shoulder-tap so that I know he's in position.

Russ tosses Uli up and over his head as she does a toe-touch. This is a pretty darn easy stunt that looks fantastic. I catch her and duplicate the feat, tossing her back to Alex, who catches her and rebounds up into a Chair. Fa-LASHy! As they're Chairing up, I spin & toss Uli in a toe-touch over to Russ, who follows Alex's lead up into a Chair. Pretty gnifty. I spin around Russ & Uli as Alex & Miranda cradle, then Russ & I toss Uli in a very easy yet amazingly neat-looking Cannon Throw. She chest-cradles (ouch on the breasts, IMO, but she insists) and Russ and I look stupidly at one another in confusion because we almost invariably cannot remember our next choreography. While we do the poleaxed calf routine, Miranda & Alex are tossing Uli up for a half-barrel-roll (they should do a 540 instead of a 180, IMO) and then setting her gently out onto her poor little noggin'. Sometimes, that is. At other times, she executes a sweet back walkover, instead.

By the Russ & I have pulled our respetive heads out, and he goes off to do whatever the heck it is that he does next. I've been pinned in place by Miranda's gaze, for she is about to initiate my single most difficult stunt of the set. I drop into a crouch and Miranda springs, gazelle-like, toward me. With an effortless bound she steps into my hands and WHEEE it's like magic as the girl rides gracefully up, spins, and comes down in my hands in a nearly-perfect nearly-every-time walkup. She stunts crazy-good, she does. It fills my heart with blood.

And then both of our pulses shoot right through the ceiling, for next is the pop-to-cupie. Russ & Alex are holding Uli up in an inverted lotus, while walking across the foot of the stage. As they do this, I pop Miranda up into a Cupie, which is a wicked-hard stunt. Well, it's wicked-intermediate if you're a competitive cheerleader. The trick is the pop and the grip. If those are right, Miranda can stand atop a broomstick and keep her balance. She's one of those delightful girls who was born with a gyroscope insider her abdominal cavity. She redefines "tight" (shut up, pervos, "tight" in stunting means "motionless like a pencil".) So she perches both her feet atop my hand and then defies gravity. I help by lifting her up with one arm and doing my very utmost best to keep her centered perfectly over my right shoulder, without toeing her off front or heeling her off backward. When we get the right pop & grip, I can hold her there forever, which is what we're supposed to do while the Inverted Lotus travels across in front of us. On flim it looks way cool when it hits right.

Once they've crossed us, I cradle and throw her off leftward without any regard for her continued existence - the mark of a good cheerdude. I'm beelining for Uli, who really has no way down from the Inverted Lotus without me. She insists that the spinny-dismount is clumsy but I think it's pretty cool, myself. Then Alex & I get into position beyind Miranda & Uli, while Russ... what the hell does Russ do there? Knowing him, it's very nearly a show-stealer. That dude can vamp better than any of us.

This part has been labeled "The Funky Breakdown." Alex & Miranda do exactly what I & Uli do. At least, that's the theory, but for some reason we have mad difficulty synchronizing. I do it to musical cues but I suspect that Alex is counting it. Poor padawan. He must find his own path.

We each hold our flyer by the hands, with her arms over her head. As the funkiness begins the girls spin toward us, drop, and leap up as we heave mightily. They swing around, one leg dragging behind as they circle us. The move is called the Stripper Pole. Russ hates it but I don't know why. I think it's totally sweet. The girls end upside-down and we heave 'em up, where they spin and drop down into front straddle-splits, then back up where we do pointy-slinky synchronized poses to a musical cue. 'Tis most sweet.

Then we each lift our girl up into an Angel, wherein they put their elbows on Russ' hands and raise one leg. It probably looks pretty cool. But at that point I'm thinking, "Must breathe. Must hold this. Feeling will return to my arms at some point after cradling." We cradle, then Russ and I do a dorky high-five shoulder-slap thingy, then there's a musical cue that for some reason we don't hit the Basket Toss on. And then the previously-mentioned Basket Toss goes up - Miranda does killer toe-touches! We really need to learn a tuck, though. They're so simple it's ridiculous, but both Miranda and Uli portray the impression that a Basket Toss backtuck is a difficult manuver. *snort* Any collegiate cheer squad can toss a simple tuck.

Anyway, it's still pretty darn impressive. We toss Miranda out and then Russ & I stand in a base pose while pointing at the audience accusingly as if it's their birthday that requires us to go through this silly craziness. Alex pops nimbly up atop our shoulders as the girls take outside positions - Uli with Russ on the right and Miranda with me on the left. Alex takes one of their hands and lifts them as they arch up, into the Double-Base Chinese Star. A Chinese Star is a moderate-level cheer stunt that's actually called a Diamondhead. It was Kazum's trademark stunt but now Uli refuses to let the group perform it because "it stands for the old Kazum". Personally I think it's 'cause Jesse loved doing that stunt because it makes the base look all studly, although the mid-flier is actually the one doing 90% of the work. He actually refused to fly it so I got to, just so that he could look studly. Anyway, when I suggested a double-base Chinese Star as the final pose Uli totally rejected it. I appealed to Miranda & Russ, who cautiously backed me up on it, and Uli finally agreed to try it. We rocked it and it's now our strongest (not to mention almost our only) 5-person stunt. I've nearly drawn blood from chewing my own lip while not saying nor insinuating "I told you so" to Uli.

In the final stunt, the girls swing one arm down, and the end result looks pretty fantastic. They're supposed to have balloons in their hands at that point, which they release (I think). But Miranda's balloons didn't work out. The girls were planning to have the balloons "somewhere backstage" and grab them on their own, but I convinced them to have Gaelen hand them their balloons. Because of that, on Friday at least Uli's balloons were present. I dunno if it looked cool. The audience sure cheered, though.

Then we pop down and Alex leads us in a bow, and yay, we're done! Well, they are. Jasper has meanwhile arranged to have himself carted out in a birthday cake, which he pops up from. I throw him over my shoulder and haul him away again.

And that's Birthday! :)

Piggies

This is one of the acts we're performing for the White Album Christmas show, which is so far the most enjoyable and exciting Kazum performance I've had the pleasure of participating in.

This is the first act that Russ has choreographed, and I gotta say that our initial diagnosis of mental & social retardation has been drastically recanted. Dude has got mad skills when it comes to putting together a presentation. Not only is he mountainous in his raw strength and reliability and solidity as a base & spotter... but he dances like a fairy and I mean that in a good way.

Piggies, as any Beatles fan can attest, is a tongue-in-cheek, satirical, yet stately number in which the proud and affluent are mocked by the proud and destitute. Few people can muster as much disgust in others' pride as those who are replete with it themselves. :) When we were first assigned to Piggies, Russ led the complaint-brigade but we all bore arms. Now that he's had his cunning way with it, though... I really like Piggies a lot.

It starts with a grand entrance: the High Bow & Arrow that we plundered shamelessly from Juanita and the Ganjou brothers. I suspect that Uli would be upset at me for posting this (assuming I had more than one reader, at least) but I think that's silly; we took quite a few of our moves from Juanita & her boys (who performed in the 50s, by the way) and it's just plain silly to me to pretend otherwise. Anyway, it really only uses 2 bases and a flyer, though adding a 3rd base provides the illusion of a 4-person stunt. The flyer gets to pose in a really cool & striking pose while the bases walk about with her up there. We use their dismount, as well - a cradle to our left arms, followed by a barrel-roll overhead to a one-arm cradle on the right. We get pretty darn close to their height, too - it's one of our more impressive stunts.

Then we lean Uli out with the guys in a head-on line, and she spins in and I shoot back under Russ' legs just before Uli dives down to follow me in a "into the rabbit hole" kind of move. It took us forever to get that working; I couldn't hit the count just right and Uli was too scared of hitting me to dive on her count. But we've finally got it... if not smoothly, at least presentably. We rabbit-hole again, and then we are supposed to do our next halfway-impressive Juanita trick. We call it the Psycho Banshee move, which isn't particularly descriptive but still oddly apt. She does a flip-dive that ends up becoming a reverse gainer (a front flip that travels backwards). But after a surprisingly non-painful head-thump followed a few days later by a whiplash-style neck injury to Uli, we've replaced the Psycho Banshee with a simple straddle-lift to a high straddle. Ridiculously simple (assuming Uli keeps her hips tight, which she usually does) but remarkably impressive-looking. Many stunts are like that. And then there are ridiculously difficult stunts that are remarkably unimpressive-looking. But I digress.

I cradle the high straddle and Alex & Russ take Uli in a jump-rope hold. Lickety-split she shoots up into a mid-high back-arch (which I totally think we could do extended) where she kicks into a back walkover. I catch that and duck under her into a shoulder sit in a manuver that looks pretty cool but feels dreadfully awkward and clumsy while performing it. Then Uli leans back, usually while insisting that I hold her feet down, which it'd frankly be difficult for me to avoid doing. If we get our timing right she shoots back up as I pop and extend her, throwing her forward into a swan-dive to her stomache in Russ & Alex's arms. It's really fun to throw, and it looks most gorgeous as well.

Then they grab her in a chair-swing type of hold, give 'er one strong forward swing, and then huck her backward toward me as though throwing her into a throne that's 8 feet off the ground. The technical name we invented for this is the High Throne, but we invariably refer to it as the Ass Catch. I suggested Booty Call but Uli shot that down for some strange reason. It's probably the most impressive part of the Piggies routine and we reliably shine at it. But it's secretly dissapointing, because the Ganjou brothers toss Juanita easily 8-10 feet, perhaps 15 feet. It's hard to tell 'cause the camera pans heavily there. We've rarely made it even 5 feet, and Uli's form is nothing like Juanita's... though of course Juanita was pretty much the epitome of a perfect flier as far as physique and form, and the Ganjou brothers were ridiculously talented at what they did as well.

After the Ass Catch I drop down so that Alex can take Uli in an Arabesque (basically a back-arch held by hands in the small of the flyer's back.) It's pretty, but it's beastly difficult to transition correctly for all 3 participants, and we've all contributed difficulties to making it as quick as it needs to be. Then Alex extends the Arabesque up and we are supposed to transition into a High Triangle, which is an L-Base trick that we extended. But it's tough to do and often it collapses, so Russ generally just takes Uli's feet immediately and holds her in a stand.

I bend over toward Alex, who drapes himself over me, buries his nose in my crack, and holds on tightly as I stand back up. This lifts him (nose still firmly encracked) into an upside-down position so that Uli can lean forward into a derivative of another L-Base stunt called the Secretary. I pivot back down in a seesaw motion, turning Alex into a lever to lower Uli to the ground.

Then we're always a little behind so it's spin and crouch across from Russ to double-base Alex, where he leans over and grabs Uli up into a hanging swing while we all lip-synch "Everywhere there's lots of piggies, leading piggy lives. You can see them out to dinner with their piggy wives."

By then we've dismounted and grabbed Uli for my very favorite of all the Ganjou troupe's copied moves: the Juanita Roll. Russ and I lift Uli in a straddle-split, then pop her up & forward so that she rolls forward with her arms reaching down. We grasp her on the way down (missing both of our hands would result in one helluva crash) and swing her around and back up. The fun part is where we release her to fly totally free as we regrip to absorb her rotational momentum, then pop down and way back up & up & up... a cradle of basket-tossesque proportions. Superfun!

Then we reposition to repeat the exact same pose that we started with. Yay, big finish!

The whole routine is stately and serene, with an element of humor that is hopefully being captured. It desperately needs to be fine-tuned and perfected, but frankly we're still just barely even hitting the stunts reliably, so we're about as good as we can be until we've drilled the stuffing out of the number.

White Album Christmas show

On Friday we gathered at the Bossanova to prepare for the first White Album Christmas show.


In many ways, this show is the most difficult that Kazum has ever done. The tricks are seriously tough. On the bright side, Piggies is only 2 minutes and Birthday is only 3 minutes. But the most challenging aspect is that we had 3 new people learning every single trick. It's not like we were just throwing in tricks we've mastered; Alex & Russ & Miranda are learning this stuff from the ground up. Plus both numbers are brand-new for all of us. So it's been a rough ride... but so worth it!


I'm not willing to claim that we put in a professional level performance. We were shaky on a few things, and while nothing dropped, we still weren't tight & polished. The night before the show we were still working desperately on the triple-base extension, and about 2 hours before showtime we finally replaced it with a walkup torch and a double-base extention. It was pretty scary. Even more scary was the conflict: Uli & I clashed several times, and Russ & Miranda had a bit of a tiff as well. Alex is the only one who hasn't bickered yet, but we'll get 'im. Oh, yes.


Uli & I had a lousy conflict right off the bat at 3:00 just as we arrived. I've processed it extensively elsewhere, and public venting isn't usually a good idea, so that's all that needs to be said about that.

The door-check process was abysmally slow. Venue staff insisted that there was no way to speed it up - the one person on duty had it totally handled, apparently, despite numerous complaints to the contrary. I personally think that they should've allocated 2 people to the door instead of 1. But one result of the entry delay is that curtain got pushed back 1/2 hour... which gave me enough time to get makeup done. Woohoo! Other things are often prioritized over Scott's makeup, and it's a sore spot for me as well as a big stressor. It was nice to actually be fully ready to perform a full 15 minutes before curtain.

The ambiance of the show is kind of a bright-paint-splashed-over-rusty-metal-and-threadbare-rags kind of dealio. We all have bright & colorful costumes & makeup, but it's all patchwork and thrown-together scraps of odds & ends. The stage is the same way. It really does a great job of conveying a professional troupe that's struggling hard to make ends meet. And having a single costumer really let the ambiance penetrate every act in the show.

We started about 10 minutes prior to curtain. All of the performers walked quietly out into the audience and lay down, often atop one another. We immediately began to doze as soon as we were set. The result was that it felt like the cast & crew were sleeping in the rafters & wings after the previous night's performance & revelry. We stayed down during the first number, and then began to stir to the beautiful & awakeningish strains of "Dear Prudence."

We stretched & yawned, quietly trading good morning greetings and cuffs, trudging along to the curtain leading backstage. Creature poured coffee for a select few, and we eventually trundled backstage by the end of the number.

This delightful audience-integration let us wander freely during the show. I got to watch Night Flight's amazing aerial hoop (the "lira" if I'm not mistaken) performance, from the balcony. In most shows it's totally inappropriate to peek out from backstage but in this show it's all part of the ambiance. I love that.

The AWOL dance collective and Night Flight were simply amazing. They're drop-dead gorgeous, of course, as well as nubile to the point of superheroinely, ridiculously scrumptious. Catwoman's got nothing on these ladies. These ladies are eyecandy that'll give wood to a blind man at 60 paces through thick fog. But that's not their primary attribute, which is a welcome change from many of the cabaret & burlesque shows I've seen. These girls are freakin' talented. Their synchronization is exquisite; better than most such routines I've seen. The difficulty level is amazing. And the showmanship (showomanship?) really adds that extra gasp to the visual orgasm that they invoke so artfully. And most importantly... they're classy. There's nothing sluttish about their demeanor, makeup, smiles, or routines. Any cute chick can evoke lust, but drawing forth desire is a whole new level of yum. The AWOL ladies and Night Flight girls are totally worth the price of admission all on their own.

Meanwhile, the NoWhere band was kicking out Beatles music that was simply astounding. I was particularly impressed by their lead guitarist and their drummer, as well as John Averill's vocal performance. I mean, the whole band kicked serious ass, but those three were somethin' else.

One of my favorite parts of the night was Gaelen. Not only did she help me wonderfully in getting through inter-Kazum conflict stress, but she was also a superb gopher for Kazum as well as for Noah. She ran a ton of errands in her car, she undertook various responsibilities and made sure they happened, and she kept hitting on me and making me feel all manly & awesome. It was a way, way better night for me (as well as for Kazum, IMO) because of her presence. Not to mention that she's great arm-candy. *preen* That's my girl.

Leapin' Louie did back-to-back numbers that fit his style really well. That guy's been entertaining since the West was One, and he never fails to deliver his thigh-slappin', low-falutin' brand of gawky humor. Behind the stage he's a really nice guy, and he was all excited that his wife & daughter were there for the show. He showed off his daughter's artwork where she'd drawn all kinds of showtime events on a table napkin. It was great stuff.

I didn't get to see much of Rhys Thomas' routine, but he's a ridiculously talented performer as well. I see him at various events around Portland. He's another dude who's been making a living as a performer for like 60 or 70 years. Well, maybe 30 or 40. Okay, 20 or so. But he'll still be doing his thang in 50 years if there's a planet left to perform on. I did see him warming up his tightrope-walking juggling routine - pure nuts, is Rhys. People often compliment me on my balance... like holding people up is a tremendously balancey thing to do. I am a stumbling buffoon compared to Rhys Thomas. That's not saying much; I'm a stumbling buffoon compared to a great many folk. I can, however, do backflips.

I got to see Cherry spin fire-poi for the first time, which was awesome. She's another great performer, and her costume was exquisite. She did a fire-spinning backward roll that blew me away. That girl knows what she's doing. I can't even imagine how many millions of times her poi have circled her. It's cool to watch people who can do physical stuff that's difficult and you can tell that it takes about as much concentration and effort as it does for us normal Joes to blink our eyes.

Creature and Noah, of course, reveled in their buffoonish and glib interplay that makes them so amazing when they share a stage. They're both excellent performers, and their styles are different enough yet enough alike that it's more than double the pleasure when they pair up. Added into the mix for the first time was Jasper Patterson, the youthful patriarch of the next generation of old-school Gypsie-blooded vaudeville performers. He comes from a tribe of folk that perform while they sleep because it's genetically melded into them. I had the delightful pleasure of lurking on the sidelines as the gypsy crew danced and sang and laughed around their fireside at the OCF. I felt quite the interloper, but that was cool because these people have a culture that baffles me because I'm just astute enough to catch a shimmering glimpse of its interwoven complexities. I can barely keep from insulting my best friends out of social retardation, so the Stage Left vaudevillians evoke a level of nervousness in me that makes it hard to pee. This effect in no way diminishes my admiration for their talents and the warmth that they extend to Kazum (and thereby, to shy little ol' me).

I got to bear Jasper's weight - twice, in fact. In his triumphant emergence as a talented performer, he claims 3 juggling knives and I "tackle" him into a shoulder-sit. There he holds his flashing steel to my throat and forces me to lift him to a shoulder-stand (I wanted an extension but Noah & Jasper wisely overrode my puppyish exuberance). There he juggles the knives while I try to pretend I'm pretending about being nervous. The night before the show I had a dream wherein a falling knife severed my ear and I had to try to convince the audience that it was fake blood while getting offstage without passing out. I'm not actually worried about it despite Alex Cougarbait Mancandy Boytoy going on at length what it would sound like to have a juggling knife embedded in the top of my skull.

I also get to lift Jasper in a fireman's carry while extracting him from a birthday cake after Kazum's "Birthday" performance.

There was a really amazing hoop routine by Revolva - another case where the ridiculously impossible is made to look like a casual stroll. This girl did some of the most amazing hooping I've ever had the pleasure of ogling. Amazingly talented, and bone-growingly scrumptious as well.

Naia helped with makeup and costumes. She also did a great job of validating my concern re: makeup, and soothing my stress. I love Naia, though I suspect she has to fight hard to not view me with the same disgust that her peers do. I appreciate her putting up that fight. She's always been very awesome to me, at least to my face. I doubt she does much sticking up for me behind my back, but I also have high hopes that she doesn't do much actual slandering back there, either. She's someone I earnestly enjoy seeing whenever I see her.

Mahon (May-Honn) helped tremendously with costumes. She's probably the most visually striking person I've ever seen before. She takes "red" to a whole new level - her dreads, her sweater, her makeup, her clothing. She's a little intimidating, actually, until she speaks and then she just melts hearts. Alex and I both agreed that of all the beautiful ladies in attendance, Mahon probably led the list of "chicks to be infatuated with". If Miranda doesn't agree then I'd risk thinking about accusing her of not really being gay (though I'd never say such a thing 'cause I value my jewels). I dunno about Russ... dude baffles me when it comes to women. The only woman I know from his life is the one lady he hasn't bedded (Susan, his really cool dance partner). I gotta party with Russ and see how he does his thing.

Melody is the lead costumer. Her primary trait for me is that she's the mom of the most adorable little critter I've seen since Nathan started talking. His name is Noah and he's a kid whose coolness defies description. Both Melody and her hubby ("J" as in "Jeremy") are entranced, but J is often non-distracted enough to be utterly and visibly wrapped around his kid's chubby little finger. That trait right there buys a father a lot of real estate in the landscape of my heart. But Melody's more than a mama, oh goodness yes. She's waded through fiendish quantities of time to produce a wardrobe for the show that holds to the amazing theme that really breathes life into the whole production. She's measured us each 30 or 40 times, and her poor fingers are usually numb from various feats of sewmanship. It's gotta be a real trip for her to see all of her amazing costumes dancing about doing their thing onstage.

There was one disappointing part in Friday's show... poor luck resulted in the band stepping on Noah's trademark "Laaaaaaaaaaadies and Gentlemen!" intro. I love that intro; it kicks both crowd and performers into Excitement Mode.

The Bellini Twins performed, but I didn't catch their show, to my chagrin. I've seen them before and they're amazing - a brand of humor that's tough to pull off well. Plus they're incredibly athletic. I saw them at the Clowns Without Borders show early in the summer of 2008, and I absolutely loved their stuff.

Okay, on to Kazum's numbers. :) I think I'll sign out of this entry and write a separate blog about each number. Not 'cause I think that many people will much care about the ins & outs of a Kazum number, but because that way I can isolate & read about it later on. I have one subscribed reader (Alex, maybe?) but a lack of commentary reassures me that my primary audience is, as usual, myself. And honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.

My Daily Routine

So, here's my life now. I wake up with an angel who suffers from stinkface. I usually slink out of bed without waking her so that she can get extra sleep. Alex is almost always up very near the time I get up. We banter a bit and he makes some incredibly delicious breakfast that's uber-nutritious and tasty. I do dishes while he cooks. We eat and banter. Then I wake Gaelen, teasing her about her stinkface as well as whatever else I can come up with. The level of teasing depends heavily on the previous night's activities. I'm one of the most difficult dudes I've ever heard of to get off. So if I'm an ounce heavy then I'm a real bastard in the AM. Like a kitten that's all pissy. The best word is "feisty," I think. If I'm an ounce light then I'm way sweeter. Sorry, baby... it's not your fault but you bear an unfair level of the side-effects.

So I often take impish glee in tormenting and pestering the poor girl outta bed. Cold hands are my new favorite implement; she put a quick and stern end to tickling in the morning. Some people have no sense of fun whatsoever. One of these days when I'm confident enough that she won't dump me, I'm going to hold her down and tickle her thoroughly. Any of my kids can tell ya what that means. I think she'll love it on the inside, though she'll surely pretend to disapprove.

When Gaelen leaves her bed she has 2 destinations, always in the same order. The toilet (where she leans forward and looks at me while she pees) and then out to the balcony to smoke at least 1 Camel menthol. Perk! I'm so glad I'm not dating a Marlborough smoker. *shudder* Menthol I can take or leave. But Camel is the cheap-o cigarrette of choice for me. When I splurge money on smokes I get American Spirit 'cause they're even better. But they're more spendy, too... luckily I can smoke on a single pack for a long time so it's not that big of a deal.

If Alex has been brotherly enough to make coffee (he usually is) then she snags a cup on the way to the balcony. She wears her cute fuzzy bathrobe. She looks like a lesbian housewife in it, sucking back java and smoking. Super adorable.

Then we take turns showering and she's no longer a stinkface, which is always a little sad. She's the only stinkface I've ever known who can be cute and rank at the same time. And it's not like she's super-stinkface. She's just a normal stinkface like anyone. I suspect that my breath & skin are less than pristine in the morning, too.

More coffee, more smokes, and then she's ready to start her day. I'm generally on my way out to work by then. We take a predictably long time to smooch and snuggle and say our sappy goodbyes as though I'm setting forth to plunder the ocean's bounty and she doesn't know if the StormGods will wrest me from her forever. I boldly walk out into the Bright (well, usually the Drizzly Grey; Portland) and I feel like a man who's left his little woman behind while he hunts & gathers. It's eerie; she isn't domestic at all but I still feel more like a "hubby" with her than I really ever did when married. Both of the wives I married were adamantly against cooking anything for their husband; in today's world that means that a woman is subjugated and disrespected, you see. So they were both militantly opposed to "serving a man". Alex, on the other hand, has no such hangups and seems to honestly enjoy preparing breakfast for me. So it's not like Gaelen gets to claim any responsibility for my feelings of content as I leave with a bellyfull of hot yum. But she's still part of the whole picture.

If we ever get married maybe we can adopt Alex. Then she'll finally be his real mom and I'll finally really be his Big Daddy.

I drive to work and do the work thang all day. But I'm feeling happy & completed instead of dull and listless. I can't wait for work to end because there are things to look forward to. Two weeks ago work ended with "either practice or seeking some fun, and then another night alone before work". Now work ends with "either practice or Gaelen, and then another wild night of tenderness and bonding before scrumptious breakfast". It wasn't miserable before by any means! But it's way better now.

Oh, speaking of "domestic Gaelen"... this morning as I was taking out the trash I said to Alex, "I don't suppose Gaelen does this very often, either." - referring to her notable lack of dishwashing motivation. Alex snorted and shot me a look of deep expression.

She ain't really into domestic things. :) Kind of like Ghandi wasn't really into slavery. That's okay; Heather wasn't into domestic things at all either, and I've learned how to take care of myself, my kids, and often roommates that I may or may not be married to. My mom was a great teacher there: I've learned to love serving the people I care about. And Gaelen doesn't actively oppose me; Heather did. So it's all good. Plus I get to help diminish her impact on Alex by absorbing some of it: her dishes, her clothing left scattered about, etc.

Poor Gaelen: she's gonna be pissed or wounded when she reads all this. But she's tough and she knows that Alex and I both love her deeply. Plus she's plenty fiesty herself and she'll surely have some things to post in response. Poor kid still thinks she can compete with me in cleverness. It's adorable. But she's naturally handicapped in that she types slowly and I am the SpamMaster. Plus the electroshock therapy impacts her ability to form complete sentences. The drooling is getting way better, though.

*preen*

At any rate, after work I either bolt to practice, pausing only long enough to stop by my place (if I didn't on the way to work) to change kitty-litter, feed & water critters, swap clothing, and give the critters some power-loving snuggle-petting on a time-budget.

I also usually stop by Jack in the Box where Jenkins meets Cedar Hills Blvd, for my never-altering quick meal: $1 Chicken Sammich and $1 Hamburger Deluxe, plus 2 waters. I'm a thirsty dude. The chicken sammich is my concession to health; fat-saturated chicken is way healthier than fat-saturated beef. (*snort*) Actually, the biggest source of self-disgust I feel for my JitB habit is that I'm consuming factory-farmed animals. I've personally been responsible for at least a dozen chickens and half a cow, raised in a horrible environment and killed cruelly. That actually does keep me up at night. Why do I eat such fare? $2, 2-minutes. I couldn't afford to pay more, and I don't make food preparation any kind of a priority. So, I contribute to factory farming. That sucks and I'm ashamed of it.

Then it's a lovely jaunt to the parking lot known as Highway 26. On the bright side, that highway travels through a forested ravine that is absolutely breathtaking if I take the time to admire it past the gleaming chrome and expensive paint. At the bottom of the drive it passes through a tunnel, and emerges *POW* into a lit-up metropolis that often takes my breath away. I love that tunnel. My kids call it "Daddy's favorite tunnel" quite reliably whenever we pass through it. It's one of the few things that makes me happy I live in Beaverton, 'cause I get to drive through it twice a day on most days. It's just as good the other direction... out of the urban canyons and into the forested crevice that cleaves between the Zoo and the radio towers. It's deeply awesome.

At the bottom of the tunnel is where the crowders shove in front of the people who are obeying the "no lane changes" signs, forcing everyone behind them to wait for 2 or 3 seconds while they cut in front. Multiple that by 100 cars or so, and each crowder is responsible for a surprisingly large portion of the delay that the right lane suffers as it comes down the hill. I hate the crowders, and I occasionally get the opportunity to refuse to let them crowd (aka "merge") at the last minute. I'd happily puncture every one of their tires, key their cars (I've actually done that to the Greedy Parkers in fancy cars *sigh*) and eat their young.

But only if the young were 18+ and consenting and I wasn't in a monogamous relationship, which I am and that's the whole damn subject of this post so why the hell am I going off about the crowders? Because they suck, that's why, and 95% of them are too obtuse to even realize it. Obtuse suckage offends me deeply for some reason. I, of course, never suffer from obtuse suckage. *guilty blush*

Next I creep across the I-5 bridge with all the other shmucks... 5% crowders and 95% crowdees. I get to the Egg (aka the Launchpad gallery) where Kazum practices, and I change (almost always right out in public 'cause honestly nobody but Gaelen is interested in seeing that so they all just keep their eyes averted) and the super-spiffy new mats are all set up and it's time to warm up. Warm-up is pretty cool. Then we stretch for like 45 minutes... Russ and I are cheer dudes who don't dig that. Russ just doesn't participate, but I do 'cause I recognize the benefits of being flexible, and not stretching is a great way to maintain inflexibility. And then we practice! Yay!

At 9:00 people other than me start yearning to leave. I love practice, usually, and I'm happy to stay as long as anyone else is willing. By 9:30 or 9:45 we're outta there; mats put up, people dressed, conditioning finished, and comfortable exhaustion snuggling us along home.
I drive out to Alex's & Gaelen's place. Alex gives Uli a ride home; a privelege that I am jealous of but I grudgingly accord to him. I miss bonding with Uli on the way to her place, and hanging out & talking with her outside her place. A few months ago something happened to put a wedge between her and I. I suspect that her psychic is involved in that but it doesn't really matter. I've been working on healing it and it feels like it often gets better... but lately there have been a few things that seem to have aggravated it. But I love her deeply and she loves me too and I'm really glad she's in my life. Maybe I can alternate with Alex on who gets to take her home... though I get the impression that she'd rather not ride with me, lately. She's way too sweet to ever say that, though.

Anyway, then it's back to House ThurowDial for some bantering, food, movies, video games, music, and all manner of Tomfoolery before retiring to Gaelen's bedroom for snuggling and sweating and groaning and hours & hours of pillow talk.

It's a pretty sweet life. I hope it stays this way for a long time.

Gaelen & me: Dating

So, Gaelen and I have been pretty much 24-7 ever since then. Within a day or two she announced that she loved me... knocked my socks off. Here's why:

See, I wasn't Wookin' Po Nub (as Eddie Murphy says). I was interested in some light dating, preferably without nookie. And I was open to a committed relationship, but I wasn't about to go seeking one. That way lies madness. So when I discovered that Alex's hot little lesbian sister-roommate wanted me in her bed I was thrilled! She'd keep living her libidinous lifestyle, we'd be buddies, and there'd be excellent benefits. Pretty much perfect.

And then she falls for me, and informs me that she's very monogamous when she's in a relationship. That puts me at huge risk of falling for her. That doesn't sound like a terrifying thing. But it is, 'cause she's firmly agnostic and I've got a solid testimony of the LDS gospel. That's not that big of a deal until we have a kid. And at that point it becomes pretty much insurmountable. She has every right in the world to raise her child to not believe in God. And I can't even imagine raising a child without the gospel being present in the child's life. So it's a hard stop unless one of us changes our core belief structure. That's so unlikely it's nearly worth describing as impossible. I suspect that Gaelen would describe it as impossible.

But until our path together hits the marriage-gate I think we've got a great shot at walking closely together. We're really wonderful together in every way, so far. Obviously, a week and a half ain't a whole lotta time. I suspect that there are age differences lurking below the breakers. I think that lifestyle differences could prove tough. But mostly I'm amazed at how much more prepared I am for a serious relationship, compared with prior to marrying Heather. I learned so amazingly much while married to her. I had to. I'm really grateful for that.

She called last night to talk about tomorrow's schedule with the boys. I asked her to make a few minor modifications in the schedule, which is one of her challenges; she "needs" to have things set and solid and under her control. But she handled it wonderfully and gracefully; she's either made some amazing improvements since the divorce, or our relationship was crippling her ability to function. Probably both. I'm so happy about that improvement in her (and my) life. And as I hung up with her I commented to Alex & Gaelen, "I love that woman. I'd totally divorce her again." In retrospect it sounded mean, but I didn't mean it that way. I meant that divorcing her let both of us make leaps in our own progress.

Nothing like going off about the ex-wife while posting about the new relationship. *guilty smile* Poor Gaelen. That girl has to deal with lots. Not only am I a big geeky dork but I pull crap like this all the time.

Okay, so back to journalling. I think it was the second night we spent together that Gaelen said that she loved me. It really knocked me for a loop. When I dated Karen we were both really careful to avoid falling in love. And that was super-smart. Neither of us was in a good place for that. She places the bulk of that unreadiness on me... and she's probably right.

This time, though... I am ready. Things might not work out (which is okay) but it won't be because I wasn't ready.

I returned Gaelen's love and she asked, "Are you sure?" It was a damn good question. I thought about it deeply for a while, prodding and poking at it logically as well as just feeling for the truth of it. And then I realized that of course I was. I was in a perfect place to fall deeply for her. We've both been amazingly direct and blunt and honest. I told her all my horrible past history stuff right away; she's very non-sensitive to most of that so it was pretty easy for her to hear. There just isn't much use in either of us concealing anything at all... though she's remarkably resistant to my communicating with anyone else in her life other than Alex. That actually scares me a bit. But we'll see how it turns out, as I start to meet her people. Unless I don't... and if that happens it'll eventually be a huge red flag.

Heh... the above comment should give us something to talk about. :)

But what really cinched my answer to "Are you sure" is that I realized not only did everything feel right... but I am a smart and sensitive guy who is attracted to Gaelen. Any such person would have to have something seriously wrong with them to not fall for her. Perhaps for the first time ever, the stuff that's seriously wrong with me isn't getting in the way.

I next asked her if she was my girlfriend. She replied, "Soon." She gave a few vague reasons, which was fine... I wasn't pushing; I was just wondering. We've since worked through those things and I officially asked her and she officially agreed. But for a short while I got to introduce her to every one as my girlfriend despite her immediate rebuttal. The best was when I introduced her to Kazum (minus Miranda) and some associated folk.

Scott proudly crows, "This is my girlfriend Gaelen!"
Gaelen curtly and clearly corrects, "I am not your girlfriend. Hello, nice to meet you."

It was awesome. :) But then a few days later we made it official so now I don't get to try to foist her off as my woman anymore, 'cause she actually is. And, that's better, so I'll cope somehow.

We look deeply different, though... someone at work today described her as "fairy-Goth lesbian" which is super-descriptive. I'd describe myself (and Gaelen has backed me up on this) as "creepy old dork". I'm not actually creepy but I come through that way until you get to know me. I'm not actually a dork, either... ouch, that was almost painful to type. That's like me claiming not to be clever, or claiming to be a virgin, or claiming to have fashion sense.

I wrote a ton about my daily routine but I'm gonna post that in another blog entry.

Naia's party, Miranda

Nobody wants to read steamy details, I've decided. Well, people might, but that's too bad.

I do wanna catch up a bit, though.

There were two parties that night to go to. Uli was excited to go to Naia's Welcome Home party, and I was, too. But I was even more excited to go to Miranda's party. Miranda is the newest Kazumite. I should introduce her.

A few months ago, prior to Kazum becoming Zacless, we did a benefit show for the Sprockettes. Alex (son; 13) came along, 'cause he was living with me during the summer. We were greeted to a nude bike parade as we arrived, which was a surprise. The venue was awesome but the performance was a challenge for a few reasons. I had a lousy performance, nearly forgetting things constantly. We missed a Chinese Star (Kazum's name for the common cheer stunt called a DiamondHead) although we repeated it and nailed it. One of the girls got hurt, there was discomfort about some other stuff... all in all the girls had a miserable night. Zac and I didn't, though, and we've learned how to have a great time regardless of others.

Accordingly, we decided to set up our mats and do some freestyle stunting & acro & gymnastics. Zac was gonna do it anyway and he's stupid-crazy if not reigned in. So it was purelyin the interests of safety that I joined him. Really.

As we were hanging around resting after the show, I noticed a cute little redheaded girl who epitomizes "attractive" in a girl (for me). I pointed her out to Melissa and mouthed "My Type!"

A few minutes later the hot little redhead and her date paused as they walked past. She started talking to me, obviously really excited about the show and impressed and stuff. Flushed with confidence, and trusting that she was with some dude, I jabbered at her happily rather than pulling my customary duck & cover routine when meeting a pretty girl. She'd competed in double-stunting in college and she was jonesing to get back into it. I invited her to stick around and stunt with Zac and I. She did! And that's how I met Miranda.

Uli & Melissa were really hesitant about this. But they gave me permission to not only stunt with her while the rest of Kazum was on their Chautauqua tour, but also to use the Egg. So, Alex and Miranda and Ben and I did so. Ben is a cool guy I met at Do-Jump.

Miranda asked if I wanted to enter the Mercury Talent Show with her. I was totally down. Again, Uli and Melissa were not, but they didn't forbid it, either. So Miranda and I tried out. The tryout was pretty disastrous, though. :( And afterward Miranda sorta dropped out of touch... until I suggested that Uli call her when we discovered that Melissa was gonna be a mama. Uli & Miranda hit it off immediately, as I'd hoped they would, and Miranda's been an absolutely amazing addition to the group.

Anyway, Miranda was having a party that I really wanted to go to after Naia's Welcome Home bash. Gaelen had sent me the Sure Thing text message, and I was excited to spend time at the party with her and Alex. I also brought Jed, Aaron and Zane. Jed drove and we'd planned for him to drive back home with Aaron & Zane, while I hung out with Gaelen & Alex.

The party was much fun. Alex hit it off with Creature Nick & Cherise, which I figured would happen despite the initial black mark Alex got by being introduced by me. Nick & Cherry are awesome and they treat me great but they can't stand me. We're more or less the epitome of opposites in too many ways. :) And that's why it's really cool that we get along well.

It was great to see Naia, too. I love that girl.

Zane was a little obnoxious. He's going through some kind of young adult midlife crisis that's semi-baffling and quite annoying. I like him and I want to support him but he's just really tough to be around. And drinking makes that even worse.

Uli wanted to stay at the party well into the night, and then she wanted to go home. That's what nights with Uli are often like... it drives Aspen crazy sometimes. :) This time we were her ride, so we were all required to leave and take her home instead of going to Miranda's party. By then it was pretty darn late, anyway, so it wasn't a huge issue... but I'm still really bummed that I couldn't go to Miranda's shindig.

As we left, Gaelen informed us that Zane had spouted forth some cryptic stuff and then walked off into the night. Aaron went looking for him without any luck. Suddenly I had to either abandon my date and go hunting for crisis-boy, or put Aaron and Jed in charge of finding him. I chose the latter, with Jed's assurances that he was fine with that. So off they went looking for Zane the Distraught. Alex was having fun so he stayed at Naia's place. The rest of us took Uli home and then I went to Gaelen's place with her.

Jed & Aaron found Zane, who refused to be fetched. So Aaron had to abandon Jed and babysit Zane. That sucked; Jed had to drive home alone and illegally. He got lost twice, but he called and I walked him back to the route home.

And that was the end of the party portion of the evening! I was gonna post a blog about me & Gaelen but that's just not something that anyone wants to know about. Or if they do, they should be ashamed of themselves. Suffice it to say that Gaelen attacked me and we spent one of the most glorious nights of my life, together.

Yum.

Gaelen & me: The evening

So that night I got another couple of bantering-type texts from her. Nothing romantic, just friend stuff. The next day there was a Kazum practice and when I picked up my phone afterward I saw that I'd received a message: "I will pay for all the text message charges I incur if you will spend a night in my bed."

My whole body flushed. This wasn't a maybe; this was a warm and eager offer of a sure thing. She knew very well that I'm a lousy hint-taker, so she was her characteristic blunt & forward self. I appreciate that more than she'll ever know.

I showed off my neat new message to the Kazum folks, though I hid her name so that I could spring it on 'em as a surprise.

When I got home I showed Aaron, and Jed, and I was so giddy I could barely sleep.

I did feel bad about my crush: the wonderful lady from iHeart. So I wrote her an email explaining what was up, what I felt, and how I was concerned. She responded pretty quickly and reassured me that she was thrilled for me and every bit as happy about being my email pal.

It was the perfect setup! Gaelen was obviously sowing her customary wild oats and I was the chosen plow!

The next evening was the party that Uli invited us to: a surprise welcome-home party for Naia, a friend of Kazum and the last girl I spent the night with (at 2007 OCF; a brief and casual encounter that was fun and non-problematic.) Alex & Gaelen both planned to attend, and I invited Jed & Aaron & Zane as well. We hustled on over and had a great evening. Normally I'd write all about it, but I've got more steamy things to get to... except that I need to take off for practice.

To be continued...

My Buddy's Lesbian Roommate

Alex is the newest male member of my performing group, Kazum. From the first day I met him we had a bond, and it's only gotten stronger. He's probably my closest friend, after only a month or two of knowing each other. That's pretty amazing.

His roommate is a girl named Gaelen. She's primarily lesbian, though Alex has been giving her some well-deserved flak for dating a disproportionate number of guys lately. I met her a few weeks ago when I went over with Jarom & Aaron to play board games. She responded to me as I would expect a stylish and independant young lesbian to respond: polite but totally uninterested in getting to be friends. She didn't find me repulsive exactly... but she had no attraction whatsoever. She's striking and beautiful, but totally not my type. Short bleached hair, makeup that's dark enough to hint at Goth... very much a lesbian image.

Alex introduced her as "The Golden Vagina". Apparently the guys & girls she spends the night with all seem to fall hopelessly into infatuation with her.

She's pretty much Alex's younger sister. They met 10 years ago when she was 14 and he was 17. They grew up in the same tiny inbred southern Oregon town. They've been close friends ever since, with never the slightest hint of romantic attraction. They joke and banter and have a great relationship that reminds me a lot of siblings. Since Alex obviously vouched strongly for both of us, we were plenty friendly but there was just no interest in hanging out at all. And that was Gaelen.

Over the last few weeks I've gone over there a few times to play board games with Alex and various pals. Gaelen's sometimes there, and we get to say hi and stuff, but that's about it. Still, it was cool to get comfortable. At one point I said something like, "You're never going to be attracted to me, right? I can just let that go and not worry about it?" She was very earnest and clear in assuring me that I was correct. It was great; since then I've been her buddy and I can ignore that she's very pretty and she has girlparts.

I went over last week sometime with Tasha (my sis) and Jarom (her hubby) and Aaron (their roommate) and Zane (their other roommate who's moving out soon). We cajoled Gaelen into playing board games with us, and we all had a really great time. I ended up playing guitar & singing a bit, and Gaelen played & sang a bit as well. She's a professional-level singer. Her voice is absolutely astounding. I was utterly blown away. I made her play & sing for Tasha and the others as well, and we were all really impressed. Aaron and Tasha really dug her. Tasha and I took some time to remark that we both found ourselves wanting her to sing her sultry crooning yearning song to me (meaning we both found her singing to be very tempting even though we both knew she wasn't into either of us.)

Over the Thanksgiving holiday there was an event going on that all 3 of us were invited to, by Uli (one of the 2 Kazum girls). Alex and I were down, but Gaelen was nervous 'cause she only knew the two of us. So she said that she'd only go if we were both going. It was a few days later, but I was tickled pink. I knew she didn't see me as attractive; she was just comfortable with me and liked me. That was a great compliment and I loved it.

And then she threw me a curve-ball. She sent me a text... here, I've kept it. I doubt I'll ever erase it: "11/28/08 04:14 AM The more you're around, the more I find you mildly attractive. Im telling you this just because I know it will drive you nuts. Don't tell alex. He'll surely slap me. Goodnight, love."

Awww! :)

I checked in with Alex to see if maybe she liked me a little. He looked at me as though I'd asked him if maybe he'd like to put his testicles into boiling water. He assured me with great conviction that she was just friendly, and I took him at his word.

I invited her and Alex to come hang out on Thursday night (the night of Turkey Day). Alex couldn't 'cause he had modeling to do early in the morning. But Gaelen said, "What the heck, sure. I'm your pal, too." She came over and we all played Rock Band... me, Jarom, Aaron, and Jed (my oldest; 15). It was a blast, and Gaelen blew us all away with her vocal skills. That girl has got a golden voice.

After the Rock Band fun, I suggested doing another AirSoft hunting excursion. Did I blog about that? Jed & Aaron & Zane & I all dressed in black and took AirSoft guns into the nearby nature park, where we proceeded to hunt one another to extinction. FUN! I was itching to go out again, as was Aaron, but Jarom & Gaelen weren't into that. And Jed was tired so he went to bed.

So, Aeron and Gaelen and I went for a walk through the nature park at midnight, instead. It was really fun. Gaelen sidled up to me and we walked together, one arm around each other's waist. Awww! It was really neat. And the coolest part was that it wasn't sexual. My 2 years of abstinence really paid off, methinks.

We traipsed here and there, stopping often to talk for long periods. All 3 of us had a relaxed and wonderful time.

As we were on the homeward loop we heard a trickling brook, and Gaelen forged off of the path to investigate. Forging off the path in Oregon is similar to traversing a South American rainforest. But there was a path; the gurgling water had obviously attracted a few other visitors over the summer. We finished up beside the brook, which was pretty darn loud. Fallen trees provided a great vantage point to look down on the water. The moonlight was dim but adequate, and the forest was dark and mysterious and full of life... although it was all suspended due to our presence.

It was the perfect setting for a first kiss, and while my shyness is crippling when I ain't sure, I was pretty confident that a romantic overture would be well received.

You know the feeling you get when you first lean slowly in to kiss someone and they meet you and the rest of the world swirls away like watercolor paints in a bathtub drain? Ah, that wonderful feeling. There's just nothing quite like it in the whole world. It's one of my favorite emotions. The kiss was tender and sweet, but quite heated just below the surface. I'm pretty sure that my hair stood on end a little, and our bodies pressed closer. It was one of those kisses that makes time seem like an abstract concept. And it was one of those kisses that leaves you satisfied and peaceful and happy. I hate to be so bold as to call it the perfect first kiss, but it beats the damn stuffing out of a kiss in a movie theater or the back seat of a car. It's the most romantic and giddy first kiss I myself have ever experienced.

Edit: I've added a more detailed account of our First Kiss.

We moseyed back to my place, and I bid Gaelen a warm farewell. I don't think I hugged her... I was vaguely conscious of the societal pressure of the "how to end the first date" situation, and I didn't want her to feel like I was trying to bed her, seduce her into romance, or anything like that. She went home, I went to sleep, and the memories were crystallized.

It was a great evening. One of the best I've ever had.

A Wonderful Thanksgiving

This has been the most amazing and joy-filled Thanksgiving Holiday that I can remember. I want to memorialize it but work is lurking ferociously at me from behind this browser window. I'll attempt to be brief. Few can comprehend how painful that is for me. *martyred sigh*

On Wednesday I got the boys after work and we had a delightful evening... standard stuff. Crafts & games & supper.

On Thursday (Turkey Day) we cleaned the apartment. It was great! I organized them and directed them, and we got almost the entire living room & kitchen. I love having a clean apartment again! Holidays are great for that. Best of all, we had great fun while being productive. Bonus.

We enjoyed Thanksgiving Dinner at a friend's house. Gregg is a divorced father, and his mom cooks a superb turkey dinner with the standard fixin's, and everything is made from scratch. I'm not usually one for banana-cream pie, but I was deliciously surprised. There was a big rubber ball (a Pilotes ball, I think it's called) and the boys had a blast balancing on it. We recorded several efforts; I hope to post some of the video and pictures soon. We laughed and joked and played for over an hour with that ball. It was spectacular fun.

Then we watched Wall-E. Excellent movie! The boys had seen it and they took great delight in pointing things out in case I was missing anything. I think I enjoyed their enjoyment even more than I enjoyed the movie.

We got home really late but it was so worth it. A great memory of a great day.

To be continued...