Mental Meanderings

Nothing to really document, just looking for a place to vomit up what's on my mind lately.

First of all, Holy Diver (DIO) and Play With Me (Extreme). These two songs provide the bulk of my ambition to learn to play an electric guitar. I've blistered my fingers on GH and RB, and I think that the transition to actual lead isn't gonna be too tramatic for me. Plus I've got a son who's obligated to assist. All I need is sufficient stability to justify putting $100 or so into an electric guitar and amp. Meaning, knowing where I'll live for long enough to feel like I can set up fancy guitar stuff.

My plans for stability involve converting Creature's attic into my room. Mostly it's the upper window - when I first saw the house it called to me powerfully. "Live HERE!" it said. That's way better than "Death awaits within" or "Run now", which are two of the more common haunted-house messages. Anyway, Creature's offered to let me install the Alice In Wonderland door (the White Rabbit's escape route) in the ceiling above the stairtop. Then there'd be the equivalent of a pullup bar in the opening, requiring the hopeful entrant to pike and kip up into the room itself, unless a suitably trained acrobat happens to be nearby to lift and assist. The only drawback I can see is that it'd be tough to show my room to my mom (who is short and stout) and if I ever take an injury (like the spinal vertebrae slips I'm prone to) I can't get into my room.

I got chewed out by Doc, Alysia, and Doc's good friend Ursula, for voicing my concerns about Doc & Alysia's dating. Doc (bless his heart) asked me to meet with him to discuss it. I like that - he took the bull by the horns. I totally respect that, and it was a good meeting and I think we're pretty much squared away as long as I stop sharing my opinions & concerns. That's cool; I gave back some of the crap that *I* took when I was dating a teenager last year. I also got to express to both Doc & Alysia why I (and others) are concerned. That's about as much as one can hope for in these situations, so I feel well served. Ursula was pretty hostile, but I think we resolved that via private messaging, so overall I'm delighted with how things turned out. They'd prefer I'd remained silent like the bulk of those who have concerns... but I think that actually *hearing* the concerns is good for 'em, so I'm happy.

Things with Dawn are spectacular. Except that Dutch (whose sense of dudeaic chivalry is grossly underdeveloped) is now introducing Dawn as my girlfriend. That makes me goad her to hook up at LIB (I offered her Alex, and he's a sweet gift) so that I don't feel compulsed to hook up, myself. I just don't wanna see our relationship spiral into "you're not making me happy" which is what the last few relationships I've had have spiraled into. I blame my lifestyle, though of course that's partially a coward's way out - I *could* be a good boyfriend *and* a circus acrobat. I just *don't* seem to do both, very well. Maybe it's the girl - but I think the bulk of the responsibility lies on my shoulders.

Uli was surprised recently when I beat her to the punch in explaining that my Funseeking is just a new version of my old escapes from emotional negativity. She mentioned that often I already know what the issues are 'cause I'm pretty self-aware. It was really validating to hear that - I'm used to recovery spaces where people praise that acquired skill heavily. In the Real World it's often assumed to be nonexistent. I miss places where I wasn't Selling Stupid quite so often, and I get to exercise the part of me that not many people get to see. The smart part. In the circus circuit I sell Stupid way too frequently and it's become a crutch for me. It's just so much easier this way, though.

No LIB for me. That's mostly okay. I can't afford it, and I always feel sad and disappointed when I trade off Boyweekends for Fun. Amanda is a no-go... she is the most screened lover I've ever had, I think. That's fine, but it makes me feel a little sad & used. She doesn't mind being my date when things are secret or safe, but I'm a back-burner kind of guy to her and I've got enough self-esteem/ego to not enjoy that. Mostly I just yearn to hang out with Alex. He homesteaded quite a few acres of my heart and I miss him desperately. Zac, too... those guys are my guy lifemates but both of 'em headed off for distant ports.

I miss Jem, too. I keep almost going over there but then I have other obligations that intervene. I also feel like there's some underlying hostility. It seems to have matured during the Joey breakup but I think there's more to it than that. I love Jem but I have a hard time being around folks who are upset with me. Part of it is selfless - I don't like being a negative influence, at all. But a bigger part is selfish - I dislike being around people who are upset/concerned with me. And Jem has issues (very valid issues) about my lifestyle, my hypocrisy, and my selfishness. It's not so much that I wanna dodge that... it's more that I'm aware of the issues and I feel mostly helpless to affect 'em. And trying can have catastrophic results. Funseeking works way better than any of my other band-aids. I fear mucking with it.

I sure do love my job. Within a class or two I become the favorite Coach of my students. Parents love me. And I thrive on teaching kids to learn. The gymnastics stuff is fun, for sure... but mostly what I like is building young minds. Each time I praise a kid, they glow, and I love it. Instead of moving data around for some corporation to make more money, I'm building youths into adults. I never thought I could do that safely but finally at long last I have confidence in my ability to do so. I much prefer kids and parents to a cubicle and Excel.

I kinda wish my body would hurry up and break down. I've had a helluva run in the circus acrobat gig and I'm satisfied. I don't believe that I can uphold my actual moral convictions in this lifestyle, and I sure do miss the peace and serenity and reverence that accompany a *good* lifestyle. I'm really enjoying the "don't hurt others while seeking self-gratification" kind of life. It's so odd to me that so very many people embrace it as the ultimate morality... I'm continually boggling. But it's where I've finally accepted being, and it's got everything other than true happiness, so what am I complaining for, eh?

I've met so many wonderful people and I wish I were providing an example of what I believe in. I'm a good enough guy and I suppose I should be happy that's recognized... but compared to the *real* good people I'm a shameful farce, and it amazes me how little is required to earn a "good guy" label in the society in which I'm immersed. The Robert Parks and Jerry Christiansens of the world are truly rare. I'm deeply grateful to have had so many astoundingly *good* people in my childhood. And, of course, leading that list is my mama-san. She's coming to visit soon and I'm really excited! :)

I'm gonna go look up chords for Holy Diver now (it's been alternating with Play With Me, which is a bit much to bite off as an Intro To Lead project).

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - Meeting the Statues

When breakfast started happening we stumbled out and got ready for the day. After a shower I always feel super-better. There was markedly little stunting - a lot of people drank a lot the night before. I didn't; booze is delightfully more and more not my thing. I'm very glad of that.

So, amid the groans, I felt pretty darn good. Also, my wonderful Amanda returned to hang out with all of us. Everyone seemed to like her - though I suppose I only saw her meet and talk with a few folks. I'm lousy at judging other people's interactions, anyway, unless I'm watching closely.

There's always been kind of a rule - if you're dating someone then you can vouch for 'em to be part of the Circus family. At least, if you're placed high enough on the food chain. It really helps if they're helper-people, like Clover. Or if they're super-cute, like Clover.

We all kicked about until finally loading up our gear and bodies into the bus, which was an oven. It turns out that Amanda drives a sexy black Jaguar. I can't figure out what the hell this girl sees in me, honestly. I'm not arm-candy, my haircut was given by Uli in the parking lot on Saturday morning, I'm flat broke, and I can't dance. Seems like a California hottie driving a Jaguar would drive right past, right? Maybe I'm a ticket to the Circus, or like Dutch says, maybe I'm just that good in bed.

My opinion is that I talk to her like she's not a supermodel - she always blinks when I call her on shit, like she's not used to it. But she responds well to it - a super-attractive trait for me. I've lately dated a lot of girls who aren't at all interested in hearing a damn thing about my insights into what I would describe as their flaws. Few people are - another weird thing about this new culture. I used to spend the bulk of my time interacting with people who were earnestly seeking out their own flaws and striving for self-improvement. But in the big ol' world it's really rare to find anyone interested in another person's criticisms. And why would anyone be? The big ol' world is full of people whose insight is all chock full of ... what do the AA folks call it? Stinkin' thinkin'. Heh.

So, maybe Amanda likes being dealt with beyond her hotness. She seemed to, up in Portland. Or maybe I'm a nice guy and she responds to that. Or maybe we have lots of fun together and she digs the funseeking stuff. Or maybe I'm sexier than I realize. Girls tell me with straight faces that I'm handsome. Amanda did see me a lot in makeup and costume, and people are way, way sexier in makeup and costume.

Doesn't matter. She really digs me and I am glad. The sexy stuff is bonus. Was bonus. Might be bonus again. We might bump into one another again. My fingers are crossed. She's a pretty amazing girl.

So this amazing girl drives me in her hot sports-car to American Steel where the statues hang out. She brought snacks and wine - she doesn't drink. Supercool date.

I suited up in green coveralls and gloves 'cause I fell for the prank that I had to do so. I looked like a big green frog up there, and it was beastly hot. Nobody else who climbed on it had to suit up. It was probably Creature who made me dress up, that bastard.

I shimmied up the statue and tried out the things I'd been so eager to try out. Just positions and locations and relative distances. Trying to get ideas for what we can do on this fella. He's crouchy - there's a picture somewhere I know it.

He's all coated with thick cable that's got wires sticking out. They're sharp and strong and there's no easy way for us to crawl around on the statues. The crew who maintains them can buff them somewhat, but mostly we'll have to build some platforms.

His head is strong - I stood on it. I would love to see Brittany handbalancing up there, or one of us doing a handstand off it to a cradle below. I also wanna do some leaps down to thick padding. But mostly we'll using the platform on the shoulders, and jumping off (and maybe on).

After our exhausting 10-minute exploration of the statue we needed some rest, so we retired to the sunshine out back to stunt. There's a FaceBook picture from that time, yay! I'm holding Amanda, with my gut bulging out. Dutch claims I've a six-pack, but I've yet to see it. Brittanie is in the back, with Jay & Dutch & Tiari to the side.

Russ shared some excellent whiskey and coke, and I felt nicely buzzed for the rest of the evening. Thank you Russell!

Then we split up a bit. Tiari and Brittanie came in Amanda's car with us, and we went shopping. *cringe* I shoulda realized that taking off with 3 girls would mean shopping. It was fun hanging around with them between shopping sprees. :)

We met up with Dutch, Creature, Clover and Andy and hung out on Haight & Ashbury. That was pretty fun, but nothing exceptionally fun happened, really. Just lots of great company and chatting.

We rejoined the bus and waited as folks trickled back from wandering about. I got to make out with Amanda for a few delicious moments. I do like that girl. And she's super-responsive.

Creature decided to change his pants directly in front of Clover's car. She wasn't about to let that opportunity slip past, so she flicked on her lights to spotlight him. A minor funny moment, but memorable nonetheless.

Then it was time to bid adieu to my dream-date. Amanda had to take off. I hope to see her again, but part of her magical charm is that she's temporary. I think she'd be serious trouble if she were nearby.

We piled on the bus and headed out. A friend of Creature's had offered to give us a big meal and party, and we indulged in both. It was a great place, and some of our hosts friends came to party, too. They drank a lot (as did we) and some of them got kinda surly (as we did not). I missed most of that, thank heavens. I was chatting with various people all about, and drinking a bit.

At around midnight the bus loaded everyone up except me, Clover, Andy and Brittanie. We were the occupants of Susie-Q for the ride home. Brittanie and I crashed in a bed, and then a hide-a-bed a little later. We slept like the dead, waking at 4:00 to roll out for Portland.

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - The Afterparty

I was bummed about Amanda leaving, but I was heady from the rush of being a circus acrobat and then dancing a bunch with a hottie. More importantly, I was with people I care for and trust. My circus family. Clover & Andy were staying at a different place again, sadly. But the rest of us were there, though a few folks crashed early.

A bunch of folk were drinking, including the fulla-fun AWOL girls (excluding Alysia, who doesn't drink or do anything bad except occasionally kiss a boy or perhaps think a swear-word now & then.) Miranda was all stunt-happy, but a little too inebriated for her body to cash the checks her mouth was writin'. Brittany jumped up, though, and did the afore-mentioned Butterfly wall-walk. So did Miranda. I think. I was pretty sleepy and wiped out by then. I'm reasonably sure that Doc and I did an extension, and I might've flown a shortlived angel on Dutch. But that mighta been in the AM.

I posted on FaceBook a time or two, at some point. I wish we had more pictures to help record the memories. :( One more reason to miss Joey. That trip would've been at least as wonderful with Joey. Unless she was drinking. Then it woulda probably been nightmarish. I gotta quit playing the "What if I hadn't" and the "What if she'd quit prior" game. It's been tearing at me enough lately, I think.

We did some stunting that's starting to trickle onto FaceBook. :) We built a 3-dog-stack with Dutch on top. Russ and I double-based Dutch. I extended Doc.

Temple realized that I'd love to utilize his rigging, so he began setting up for some harness-supported stunting. Superyay! But it didn't ever flower to fruition, sadly. Miranda was the gung-ho flier but she wasn't feeling very well by then. So things began to slowly wind down, with several of the single fellas congregating around the girls present. I just wanted to crash, so I followed the A-WOL party duo into the dark, relatively quiet bedroom, where they were giggling drunkenly. I just sat back and chuckled along with them for quite a while - that's when I was chastised for writing such long updates to FB. For some reason they found it HIlarious that I made a bowl of food to eat before I retired for bed. They were a riot.

As I ducked into the bedroom with the two giggling drunk aerialist girls I got one thumbs-up and one lecherous grin from two of the single guys. I wanted to try to address that but instead I just told the girls and we laughed about it. Nobody actually said anything about it at all, except Dutch, bless his heart for crediting me with that kinda potential. He thinks I'm sexier than I am, IMO. I may think the same of him, I dunno, but I've seen him jumped on by way more cuteys than I've been jumped on by.

Eventually the ladies went to sleep, and so did Miranda & Brittanie, followed shortly thereafter by me. Yay for sleep at last!

Brittanie is one of the volunteers for various Wanderlust shows. Miranda forbid me from hitting on her 'cause Cookie wanted exclusive rights. *snort* I agreed, though. Which was good, 'cause Brittanie digs me tons as a friend but has no interest in me as a guy. Up until this point I just knew her as Wanderlust Hottie Who May Be Dating Someone. (She wasn't; that's just an easily mistaken impression amongst our crew.)

Anyway, at this point I barely knew Brittanie. She was "Miranda's date" more or less.

So, we slept for a few hours. Like 4 or 6 - some nice biggish number. It was hot in there, with 5 people in a small room.

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - Day of the Show

I got up and helped Ben the supercook make superbreakfast. Dutch helped a bit, too, more or less offsetting the bacon he kept snitching. Miranda did dishes, as did Noah. Dunno why I feel like calling out props, but it's important that helping hands are noticed and appreciated.

We stunted around and relaxed and showered and got ready for a show. Then we piled back into the Wanderbus and Susie-Q, and drove across the Bay Bridge. Breathtaking. I was trying to paint my nails black & white, and the view kept drying stuff up. My rough paintjob now reminds me of San Francisco's Bay Bridge. Aw.

The venue was freakin' sweet. The stage was *almost* adequate, but Creature did his magic and up went an extension. Then it was simply a little too shallow, but we more or less coped. But headspace we had, and good visibility to the crowd. Plus, the green room was on a balcony behind the stage, over a cool arched bridge that *screamed* out for handstands. It got 'em, too. I saw to that bridge.

The aerialists had 4 different mounts, including a pulley that the local circus crew used (with Dutch's ballast) to raise and lower Brandy and Jess during their routine. It was super-cool.

Brandy and Jess
These girls get a big shout out. They're supercool. I think that they finally got comfortable that the Kazum guys weren't trying to get in their pants like the rest of the male and pro-lady female population of the planet.

That's good; it gives us an edge. ;)

But we're not *aggressively* trying to bed them, so they relaxed and hung out. Stunting, joking, bickering, taunting the spamminess of... all kinds of stuff. Man, if those two ever saw this blog they'd flip out. A single paragraph of internet was too much. This old-school text-based communication thing is just way too wordy... and that's pre-Scott. Once I get done with it it hardly resembles words at all. Just big chunky blocks of nearly-random text.

So, Brandy is 5-ninish until she gets into the air and then her legs grow longer. She's amazing to watch. I consciously didn't, in fact. I don't like ogling. Jess I can watch; she's a little sister, I think. Brandy's just too fun to watch, for me.

I *love* watching people watching a show, by the way. Crowd watching is a riot. And when Brandy does her thing, the crowd's eyes and expressions are delightful to behold. Jess is gorgeous up there. The two of them are amazing together. The applause after their silk routine was thunderous. They, more than anyone, sold Wanderlust to S.F.

And then they danced like crazy. :)

But I'm jumping way ahead. First there was stretching and blocking the routine and rigging and hanging out for 5 or 6 hours until showtime. It was way fun. My shirt was discovered to be undiscoverable, so Alysia donned her Superhero Seamstress hat and built me a shirt from scraps. It was wonderful.

I went for a walk to explore S.F. but I got distracted by a marching band. M4 rolled up and I chatted with them as they disembarked.

Then things got loud. Sound check, talking, stretching s'more. M4 rolled out after an hour or two; they had another tiny gig and supper before the big show after ours. Here's a shot of that scene.

My focus up to then was on circus stuff, mostly - making sure we were moving along and good to go. And then Amanda arrived.

Amanda
She featured in a previous blog post. She's amazing, and when she gets fancied up she's one of the hottest little critters I've ever seen. She was my date for the show, which spins off into a whole guilt thing...

Dutch is very right that I don't deserve a dream date with a sexy girl just a week and a half from cheating on my girlfriend. He proscribed an arbitrary 2 weeks. I think that's kinda silly; 2 weeks isn't gonna atone for anything. But it is an actual cost, and a consequence, and something I shouldn't dodge. So I agree with him.

And then there's Amanda. *sigh*

I'd love to claim that I nobly refrained, but that isn't so. Instead, I got a super date that went home without me at the end for other reasons that had nothing to do with me or my recent bastardliness. So, in all the most important ways, things worked out really well.

Kazum did a full run-through that was not only choppy, but peppered with drops. Not terrifying... but still scary. Despite that, I think we all felt ready for the show. We were the first act.

It was choppy. Not terribly so... and we're all really good at pulling choppiness together. I love all of us so much! I saw James & Doc drop some stuff that had to hurt. The Ass Catch was at 95% power plus adrenaline, and I nearly ran out of stage to catch it in. But we got it. The extension stuck up there like a porn star, and the Triple Base cradled despite my fear that it was a goner. Somehow the Candelabra looked more or less complete, though it *felt* like it was holding together by fingernails, prayers and mantras. Adrenaline beat exhaustion, but heat exhaustion was a serious contender for the evening's competitions. I staggered offstage, forgetting that I was supposed to lift Jess up to Brandy, beelining for the back room that was delightfully chilly. I was actually starting to grey out a bit - so hot under spotlights doing high-intensity stunting with too many pounds of leftover computer nerd on me. Dutch felt every steak & cheeseburger he's eaten for a week, I'm sure. We're big fellas, we are.

I mingled a bit prior to Lions. I had a breathtaking date down there. I liked watching her dance from the balcony, but I also liked her dancing around me and beside me. There were many people to see, though, and stunts to be thrown.

Lulu was there! I love seeing her. But it's always at some crazy event, and I always have someone who's there with me. I'd love to try to kiss that girl at some point. I don't usually; most girls have to make a pass at me before I trust that they're interested. But I feel brave enough to take a chance with Lulu. Yum.

There was stunting in the smoking lounge, in back. There was much laughter and talk and hugging of good friends. It was a crazy fun party.

Lions went well. We were putting our hearts into being leonine. But the crowd couldn't really see us very well; the stage was a little bit too low to showcase Lions well. It felt like it went well, though - we got mad cheers for the final agonizing portion of the triple crab twist. I'm glad; that 3 seconds is always the most painful of any show. I think I flipped rather than handspringing 'cause the stage felt crowded, but that's fine.

The Kazum guys were ogled like we were made of chocolate. I wouldn't have believed it but I saw the girls looking at Doc & Dutch, so I suppose they were looking at me as well. It was scary. I was glad that I had a date. I felt that way once at the Roller Derby girls' party, too.

I had the most amazing night, and Amanda was often at my side. We danced a lot, and I've never danced before, really. It was more grinding than dancing, I think, but it was dancelike. I danced with Creature, and with Creature & Amanda, and it was pretty magical. I wasn't on drugs or anything. But I don't think I could've danced with anyone other than those particular two. Serendipity.

The crowd cleared out, and finally so did Amanda. *sigh* We all returned to Temple's place for The Afterparty.

White Album Christmas 2009 - first show

We did two routines - Piggies (with seven people!) and Birthday. We were scrambling madly on Birthday up to a few days before the first show on the 12th, but we pulled it off quite well, as we always seem to do. Yay!

I've been doing a lot of after-hours stunting with Dutch, in the last few months. Monday Funday petered out as the weather got rainy, but after Kazum practice we almost always stunt for a few hours. Sarah (Dutch's lady) is a regular. Amanda is a girl Dutch met, and she came & stunted with me and Dutch at the Halloween Howl. She's amazing, and drop-dead gorgeous. But I was dating Mary, so she was super-duper off-limits. Clover is a new girl who just moved up from California, and she's an astounding stunter. She's circus-trained, with ballet background as well as contortionist & hand-balancing skills. Like virtually all of the girls I stunt with, she's smoking-hot, but it's all professional and I'm really excited about working closely with Clover to build some tight & impressive stunt routines.

Anyway, the first White Album show went well. A few timing issues troubled us, and a couple of stunts were wobbly. Dutch was very frustrated about dropping a chair, and Uli's toes got jammed on an airplane during practice. But overall... a very good show.

After the show was a wild afterparty at the Jupiter hotel, across the street from the Bossanova. I ended up spending lots of time with Amanda, and she stole my heart away. She had broken up with her boyfriend a week before, and Mary and I had broken up just hours before (at the show; 'twas a sad event). Amanda was heading back to Santa Cruz in the middle of the week, which left us both well-situated for a rebound fling. So, we had one, and it was amazing. We connected really well and I hope that we can stay friends, and hang out when she comes to visit. I'm trying to prepare myself for her to fade away, though... she's got a full life going on in California. I sure do treasure getting to know her, though. She's amazing.

I spent the next week moving and practicing, taking a mid-week break to spend Amanda's last night in Portland with her. We walked around downtown being an adorably cute new couple. We traipsed through Powell's, wandered through Pioneer Square, and I showed her the downtown accoustic amplification park and the fountain park across from the Keller Auditorium. It was a magical night, without any doubt. We ended up at the hotel where she was spending her last night. Her best friend & best friend's daughter were in the room, though, so we hung out in the empty lower hotel lobby for a few hours. It was really a magical evening.

And then she was gone. :( I am really glad I got to spend two concentrated bursts of time with her before she left, and I hope that we can remain friends despite the distance. I have a huge crush on her, obviously, and she returns the interest. But distance and time are sure to cool that ardor significantly.