Burning Man 2010 - Wednesday

On Wednesday morning Feather stopped by almost immediately - yay! I'd just showered (yay again!) and I was ready to wander a bit. Feather was with Michael, a really nice guy she'd met on arrival at BRC. He had mingled romantic/protective feelings for her, but he immediately realized that I wasn't gonna interfere with either, and he accepted me pretty well. I was overjoyed to see her - I had been concerned for her simply 'cause she was a daughter-figure for me. I felt way happier at BRC with someone to be responsible for (even though I wasn't *really* responsible for her). I'm terminally parental.

We wandered to Dawn's camp and saw her for a bit, then moseyed elsewhere - I don't recall where, specifically. Eventually we swung back through Suckie Fuckaye and I talked with Doc and Dawn for a time.

While talking to Doc in the morning, I had an epiphany. I mean, it's something I've known for years, but never before had it been so crystal clear how pervasive it was. Religion replaces meditation with prayer.

Doc was talking about meditation, which Dawn has also talked about, plus numerous others in my past. But I've never utilized meditation. People assume that's 'cause it's hard to learn how to meditate, but the truth is that I fear meditation. Emptying my mind sounds suicidal - no thoughts equals death, or so I'm convinced in my subconscious somewhere. The concept of trying to not think horrifies me. Doc was addressing this fear and he talked about some of the effects, benefits, etc. of meditation. I suddenly realized that what he was describing wasn't scary at all - it was simply communion with truth. 'Cept without a spiritual component, which is a shame but it's still pretty darn cool. Anyway, the times I've experienced what he describes as "meditation" are the times I've spent in earnest communication with God. So, obviously for me the religious person this means that meditation is mimicking prayer. And for the nonreligious person this means that I'm pretending there's a 2nd party present in my meditation, and that He takes part in it and communicates with me.

Anyway, it sure helps some things click into place in the question that so frequently gnaws at me, "How can spiritual, intelligent people avoid listening to the still small voice of truth?" So I wrote it down and wanted to be sure to record it somewhere.

Dawn arrived and joined our talk. Doc talked about some pretty deep stuff from his past, which was wonderful. I love windows deep into people. I shared some similar things, as well, which poor Dutch walked into unsuspectingly.

I also realized on Wednesday morning during the talk that I wasn't actually interested in hooking up with other women. I actually realized it on Tuesday night, but it crystalized on Wednesday morning as I talked with Doc and Dawn. I used to firmly believe that love and polyamory were mutually exclusive, but then Alex Dial entered my life and challenged my beliefs. I've wrestled with it since then, a lot, and after breaking up with Joey I decided to explore it for myself. Well, I didn't actually make much progress there (super-shy is a huge handicap for the poly-intentioned) but I did ponder it muchly and stay mentally and emotionally positioned to explore it. But then I finally, against strenuous protests, fell in love with Dawn, a week or so before the burn. And at the burn I realized that I wouldn't be betraying *Dawn* if I were to hook up. I'd be betraying my own heart. If a human is truly in love with another person, they lose the desire to copulate with other humans. It's awesome, wonderful and right, and it holds our society and our souls together. I've never heard anyone tell me differently who I honestly believed knew what real love was about. There are tons of people who feel strong emotions for others, get a huge payoff from others, etc. But not many of us experience real love, and those who do, don't have the desire to step outside of it for sexual gratification elsewhere.

It's a big relief. :) I may certainly still make mistakes - temptation eclipses love, for sure. I do hope that love will win out, though, when temptations arise. I'm much happier being in love than I've ever seen, heard of, or experienced from being self-gratified by a new romance. Aligning the soul, emotions and mind is way better than just aligning the emotions and the body, then trying to convince the mind to jump on board.

After the big talk with Doc & Dawn & Dutch, I said goodbye to Dawn. I was still pretty choked up with emotion from Tuesday night, 98% of which was my own baggage with little to do with Dawn. One of my baggage items is sensitivity to public displays of conflict. I super-hate fighting or even arguing in public. My parents kept their arguments very private, and they only ever fought one time in public (my dad only). I lost a tragic level of respect for him for doing that to her in public, and I gained enormous respect for her for walking away from it instead of engaging.

Anyway, I cannot stand public displays where my heart and emotions are exposed. That ain't for everyone to watch and gossip about. While Dawn was trying to say goodbye she was concerned about me, and kept trying to process or comfort, and as I got increasingly distant and isolated her concern increased... cycling back in and making things continue to worsen. I tried to interrupt and leave, but she wouldn't go nor let me leave. I tried to explain that I don't like to do things like this publicly, but she didn't understand and instead of getting the gist of it she kept trying to (publicly) clarify what I was talking about. I finally choked out, "Can I please go?" and she thought I had asked her to leave. I repeated myself a few times, ending with, "I have to go." She stumbled off crying, and I felt like the meanest and most broken person in the whole world.

I was so isolated and withdrawn by then that it was super-easy to simply put that in the "ouch" folder, and head off to stunt. One of the rare benefits of childhood abuse and addiction is an ability to immediately compartmentalize enormous trauma, and leave it there until it either bursts out or there's an appropriate time to be subjected to it.

So, I felt great by the time I got to Center Camp where we burst gloriously into the stunting scene.

I gotta admit some pride. I like lurking and stretching and warming while the acro folk do their thing. Their thing is pretty amazing - many of them are super-specialized and highly-skilled. Ground acro ain't easy at all. But when we start doing double-stunting, jaws drop like crazy. Not many people do double-stunting and almost *nobody* does adagio. Miranda showed up and that opened up the really cool tricks - Libs and Cupies and Extended Fulldowns. At one point we had Dutch and Doc, too, letting us do some adagio, Basket Tosses and other 3-person stuff. People were snapping pictures like mad, though I've not seen a single one other than a few of Dawn's.

I think it was Wednesday (or Tuesday) that we met Shanni. She's an aerialist who's done some stunting, and she quickly outstripped her base's capabilities. She was astounded at Dutch and I, and we did amazing things, from hand-to-hand to various double-stunts like Angel Fulldowns. Our first Angel Fulldown was nearly flawless, and as she cradled I watched her eyes bug out with overjoyed amazement. It's the same pop as an Angelbesque, which I do all the time with various fliers, so it's super easy to transfer to an Angel Fulldown. She was hooked immediately. She'd been thinking of moving to the west coast, and Dutch and I did our very damn best to convince her that Portland would offer her the best place for her talents. She'd be a shoe-in for Kazum's light flier position, and her personality is exquisitely appropriate for the group.

We met a bunch of stunterfolk, from bases to fliers. Jordan was great, and so was Morgan. They learned like mad. John was a heavy base with a year or two of experience and he was thrilled to get some additional training. There was also Scott, a super-experienced acro base with some pretty decent double-stunting skills as well. Plus a bevy of gorgeous flier-gals who were thrilled to get up on Dutch and I. If I were single and assertive I could glean a ridiculous amount of lovin' from my stuntery. It makes me glad I'm not either of those. :) Burning Man confirmed for me that the he-slut lifestyle just ain't for me.

In fact, I found myself almost entirely without arousal the entire time, despite being surrounded and often mounted by the most beautiful women I've ever before encountered, in the most revealing and sexy costumes imaginable. It was kinda just an overload. 'Twas sweet. I'm sure I'll find breasts sexy again sometime, but after a week of BRC, they're mostly just body parts. Beautiful and all, but not particularly alluring. I'm super-grateful that Dawn was there - occasional nights spent with her really allowed me to spend by burn being relaxed and in control, rather than being consumed by lust.

I came to Burning Man for the stunting, and I ate my fill. By the time I staggered out a few hours later (long after Doc & Dutch & everyone else had limped wimpily home) I was spent. I dropped my dust-colored bag and canteen and goggles and bandana, peeled my sweatmuddied sandals from my numb feet, and collapsed in my tent. No air mattress (I never bothered to blow it up) but I still went into a motionless state of relaxation approaching sleep. My mind was zipping along a million miles a minute, though. I worked through lots of the intellectual stuff from the night before, plus some stored-up stuff from pre-burn. I was too exhausted (emotionally and physically) to cry much, but I leaked a bit and that was very healing.

I spent an hour or two almost motionless. I could *feel* my body repairing itself, and I could also feel that my mind was missing out on the recharge.

Then it was night-time! I donned a suit - Blacksuit. I put on my OCF flame-mask, too. Blake took the 2nd Blacksuit. I was hoping to convince him to climb stuff with me, 'cause he's a human muscle. I did, too... wow, did that boy rock it out in the blacksuit.

We went out in a group. Emily, Dutch, Sara, Blake, Leah, Jay, me, and a few others. Jay is one of our stunting students - a cute little thing who's super-sweet. She has a man (Matt) who was stunting with us as well. I accidentally glommed onto her once and she assured me, "You can touch me!" So she became my stuffed animal, more or less... something warm and fun to touch. I pawed at her all night, and she responded in kind, but there wasn't arousal in it. It was wonderful, and the ambiance of the night was certainly impacted heavily by Jay. Thank you Jay!

Wednesday night saw my very favorite moment at Burning Man 2010. I walked up on Nexus' Tower of Babel rave stage and saw Dutch leaning out over the crowd from atop the left tripod. He was in dayglow spandex, a baseball cap, and his American Flag jacket. He was rocking out and leading the crowd's frenzied pulse. They were roaring as he spearheaded the beat, and he looked so in his element that it brought tears to my eyes. He was doing what he does in the best possible place to do it.

I had to join him. I bounced quickly up - acrobatics and stuntery has created spidermanlike climbing skills in me, to my delight. I'd just visited Dawn for a few moments and I was feeling great - supercharged and intoxicated. I slipped into my customary "Uh, what is a dork like me doing here?" line of thought, and suddenly my mental chain caught in the gears. I realized I was invisible - nobody could see my face. I was just a blackshape with flame eyes. I'm in good-to-excellent shape, due to biking & acrobatics, so I imagine I looked good. With the onus of my appearance removed, I discovered that if I let the music shake me, it would. So I did.

I doubt I looked cool or talented, but I hope desperately that I looked primal enough that it wasn't an amusing thing to watch "that guy" try to dance. I've seen that happen before and it anguishes me. But it didn't *feel* like that's what was going on.

Anyway, I spent the night experiencing, for the first time ever, what it's like to channel music through my body. It was a certain type of music - dub-step, I think it's called? The beat is supersteady and powerful, and now & then it fades and builds back up to a short pause followed by superthumping beat again. I rode the waves for hours, often looking over to see Blacksuit Blake doing the same thing on his tripod. I dangled from various limbs at various angles in different positions, just experimenting with what this new body I've built is capable of. I can (to my delight) hang from one kneepit, as well as from one hand. I can dance that way, in fact. I can hang upside-down and dance, though I'm not sure how much it's dancing and how much it's swaying & convulsing. Sure wish I could find one single picture or video of all the hang-dancing I did. *sigh* Blake sure looked cool doing it, but he already knew how to dance and he doesn't do it like I do. I wanna seeeeeeee!

Finally everyone began wandering home. I watched the sun come up with Blake from the top of the Suck 'n Fuck Saloon, then debated going to Dawn's camp. But I didn't wanna wake her, plus I was in a pretty negative space 'cause of the previous few hours (which weren't her fault at all). It turns out that she was missing me terribly right then and wanting to come see me, but was afraid she might find me with someone else. Poor Dawn - how sad and painful that must've been. :( Anyway, I crashed in my tent for a few hours of desperately trying to sleep, before becoming convinced that I was gonna miss my 1:00 stunting appointment at Center Camp. So I got up and got ready and found out it was only 10:30.

But that's the next day's story.

Friendly Fire weekend

I had the boys this weekend, and kept them at my place (in Creature's house) for the first time. It went well. Creature and Charisse weren't really around at all. We broke out inline skates and the scooter, plus they loved mowing the back lawn with a push-mower. Alex was here, too, and he helps immensely with his little brothers. He's wonderful.

On Saturday he took 'em to Saturday Market until Open Gym. Then we moseyed off and played at the house until Parents' Night Out. I was supposed to be performing at Friendly Fire, but I'd forgotten to take PNO off. :( I finally reached the final non-committed alternate coach (Shaunice) but she has a vertebrae out of place in her back. I hooked her up with Dutch, and he helped her a lot, so that she could spell me off on PNO. Yay!

I hauled the boys down to the venue, and changed into the Spiderman costume that Dutch provided for me. It was awesome! I began climbing things, and people started snapping pictures. I looked at one and it amazed me - normally it's odd and a little neat when I hang from things, but in the Spiderman suit it was spectacular. I climbed on the Groove Bomb and hung from a yardarm up there - sweet. I really hope I can track down a few pictures from that night.

Things were chaotic (amateur fundraising gig) so Kazum didn't get to perform in the early show. I hung out so that the boys could watch fire spinning while I climbed on stuff as Spiderman. I hefted 'em up onto the Groove Bomb to watch, which they enjoyed. Other than that, they were pretty unimpressed by Spiderdad. *sigh* Ungrateful little sods. :)

I ran them home and caught a ride back (with my bike) with Alex's stepdad Michael. He took a few shots, and then I bolted inside to perform with Kazum. I did some handstands in the Spideysuit, which was way fun. Then we gathered at the (split-level) stage to wait. We saw Dave Clay do a killer homeless spongebath routine. Then we were on.

Dutch and I tried to pull down the aerial hoop but we couldn't. So I put Petra up and she took it down quickly. Then Kazum was on - but we had to sweep down the floor with our hands because of staples and other debris. It was a rocky start. Once we started, things went pretty well, though. We did the first portion of Death Blossom. We had to pull the basket-toss a lot, and Miranda and I did a stand-full-down rather than from an extension. Overall it went quite well!

Then we ran off to drink and stuff. Dawn was there, and I danced with her a few times but mostly I was doing my circulate-among-pals thing. I approached several folks with my Spiderman mask on, and made them nervous for a bit. Charisse was the most fun - she finally said, "Dude, you're almost groping me here and I don't even know who the hell you are." I leaned in and said, "I live with you." Then she laughed and hugged me. We talked for quite a bit. She's found a new place, and she's moving forward. I'm really glad - I want her to be happy again.

I stunted with several new folk, which was fun as always. Adrienne kept making me do chairs despite my fuzzy mind, but they kept turning out really good. It was a way fun party. I hung upside down from various things. I really wanna see some of the pictures of that. I also did some testing of the effects of alcohol on balance - I held some killer handstands that defied intoxication. Right on.

I ran into Nicole, though at first I didn't recognize her. She was polite, but reserved and uncomfortable. Made me sad - I wanted to get to know her but now it's all weird. *sigh*

I finally left with Dawn to go to an afterparty with her at Ron & Kathy's super sweet house on the hill. It was fun to meet all of her people, but I was shy and they don't know me at all. They were very nice but I need to spend lots more time with them before they know anything about me so that I can relax a bit.

Then Dawn and I spent the most amazing few hours I can recall ever spending with a woman. Mindblowing. Got no sleep, but that's okay. I called Alex at 6:30 to provide the little boys with access to breakfast. Then I came back home and we played together for a while.

They wanted to go to Jem's place, but I had to bathe and feed them first. I tossed 'Topher in the tub as well, and then we headed out. Creature's car had the van parked in, though, so we had to walk about 2 miles to the MAX stop. Then we missed the transfer 'cause I was reading The Great Hunt to 'em instead of paying attention. We walked back to Pioneer Square, pausing for another meal at Carl's Junior. But when I called Jem to confirm coming out to Beaverton, he was upset. I think it was mostly 'cause it took us 2 hours to walk/MAX to where we could catch a Blue Line. But it also seemed like he was upset that I would ask if Jer & Nathan could bathe or shower at his place. He said something about using him to pretend to Heather that they were in a stable environment. I'm not sure what that's about, but I didn't want to try to figure it out via phone while the boys waited, so we canceled. They were sad, and they didn't want to hang around downtown so I called Dawn and we went out to her place. We rented "Where the Wild Things Are" and had a nice supper at her place. Then Heather picked 'em up and I headed to Circus Class.

It was a great class. I came home afterward instead of finding Wild Fun - I was exhausted and for the first time in a long, long while, I was all Funned out. Mostly I just didn't have any Wild Fun offers, though. I woulda gone out if there had been something to do.

My weekends are so often full of wild excitement and people I love and stunting and limelight. It's a nice contrast with the humdrum of my weekly life. Well, my afternoon and morning life. My evening life is usually full of awesomeness. Even my job is full of awesomeness. I love teaching kids, and they dig me. So do the parents. I really love my life. I wish that I could live it while still holding true to my convictions. But it's a lot better living my life (sans convictions) than it was living a much more sedate version of my life and *trying* to hold to my convictions while failing miserably. Now I just fail in much more enjoyable ways.

I do really miss inner peace and reverence and lasting happiness. Not that I've often achieved these things - but I used to at least be anxiously engaged in seeking after them. Now I'm mostly just engaged in non-impactful hedonism.

Endless Roadshow with March Fourth

Last night we did the first of 3 Endless Roadshows with Wanderlust Circus. We were followed by M4, which was followed by a ridiculously delightful afterparty at the Lotus Seed.

Alex is in town, and he had a part in the show. He was in overalls with a baseball hat and a stoopid look. It was great. Dutch and Miranda threw a kick-ass Planet Claire - we rocked it, and those two have never performed that routine before. Dutch especially - learning this kind of hardcore basing is not easy and that man has stepped up to the plate in a big way.

We did some stunting with Sarah - she is excellent. At the afterparty she kept trying to get me to dance, but she didn't get that it's 'cause she's a she. It's okay; some girls simply don't get it. But we stunted bunches.

I met (re-met actually) Dawn, who is a trip. She's one of the quiet drop-dead gorgeous kind of girls that so discombobulate me if I'm not stunting with them. Much like Trish, Uli's good friend who I am pretty sure is single but Aspen insists isn't.

I'm jumping around here like an acrobat, pardon me.

The show was stressful 'cause P.C. is a tough routine. But we nailed almost everything. For a first show, last night was incredible. Lion Tamer went very well, too... James is an amazing stud. Miranda was in rare form last night, and at the afterparty she was all drunk & fun & stunty. We did a buncha great stunting.

Rene & Devin & Jax & Marco hung out with me all night after they joined us at the Bossanova for the ending couple of M4 songs. It was a wild night of rare fun. I really dig Marco. I hope I get a chance to hang out with him and get to know him better. He's one of those guys who makes an impression. He thinks.

I got to hang out with so many of my favorite people, and talk with lots of new exciting wonderful people, and it was just a night of wonder and joy. I love what I get to do and I love the people I get to do it with.

Seattle Moisture Festival & Chautauqua Benefit

The weekend before last, we all piled into a rented minivan and drove up to Seattle.

Alex postponed moving until after the Seattle trip. Naia accompanied us as our makeup artist as well as Alex's main squeeze, and Daniel also accompanied us as our Kazum understudy. Miranda drove up separately because she was meeting her roommates in Canada after the performances.

After a grueling practice just before the weekend, one of the vertebrae in my lower back had slipped out of alignment. It was painful now & then, but mostly it simply made it so that I couldn't bear any kind of weight. We had to cancel our Clowns without Borders show on Friday night. :( I visited a chiropractor friend of Kazum's and he realigned it, but it slipped out again as I drove home. Alex put it back in that night, and again the next morning. As we drove it slid out again, and Alex put it back in once more. I was pretty worried 'cause if it wasn't okay, I couldn't perform at all and the whole trip would be pointless.

One of our contacts from the Seattle Zoo festival is named Jake. He was dating our other contact (Leslie) but she's since moved to the east coast. That's good; I had a major crush on her and it was nice not to have to deal with that. Jake's a great guy and he opened his house to us. Well, his landlord's house, but still.

We had an evening practice and my back felt pretty okay. It didn't act up the whole rest of the weekend, which was awesome.

On Saturday night we assembled at Hale's Palladium for the show. It's a converted warehouse attached to a brewery, which is a pretty darn cool venue. There were lots of people there, including the delightfully skilled duo Ricochet, who we had seen at OCF. Cohdi sat and chatted with us for a while. He's an aerialist, meaning that he's in exquisite shape. Laura, his partner, didn't hang out with us but I think she's just not particularly outgoing. She wasn't stand-offish or anything. They do some of the best theatrical performing I've seen, with wonderful facial expressions, gestures and body language. Their show was spectacular.

It was fun to hang around with the performers, though I felt a bit like an outsider 'cause I knew so few of them. But the routine went very well, nobody got hurt, and we had a delightful show.

Gaelen was having a really tough time at home, though... she was really lonely and sad 'cause Alex had moved out and was gonna head straight to southern Oregon upon his return. I was tied up with performance stuff so I couldn't really talk to her much. But she got through it.

After the show Jake and his landlord (Bart) took us out on the town. We filled up the first bar that we tried, but fit more comfortably in the 2nd. Both Miranda & Uli agreed to some simple stunting at the bar, which was much fun. When the place closed down at 2 am, Jake and Bart invited us to their warehouse that they'd converted into a modern-day forge. I jogged to the forge and hung out atop some train cars out front, which I've always wanted to do. Everybody reconvened and the party continued.

The workshop was filled with fascinating things, including a 20-ton punch press that Bart used to flatten and shape hot metal. I used to run a 40-ton punch press at ProForm in Logan, and it was nostalgic to see the huge prehistoric green bulk.

Miranda found cool headgear, and we all decked ourselves out a fair bit with the stuff that was lying around the shop. Russ had a vicious-looking Samurai headpiece that he mocked with goofy faces the way he's fated to do. We all grabbed various props and posed as Naia took many pictures of us posing all around the forge area. I have a CD of pics; I need to get them uploaded.

Since Bart had seen us perform and I assured him I was familiar with the equipment, he let me and Alex climb up on the punch press for pictures. It was way fun. We did some stunting pics, too. There were some unposed pictures that were adorable as well. I held Miranda in a stand for way too long, leaving my arms numb & weak so that when I shrugged her down she hit too hard... it was lame. But she was okay quickly, which I'm very happy about.

Jake and Bart were pretty excited to have fancy-makeup'd acrobats pulling an impromptu photo shoot in their forge. I could tell that Jake was into Miranda & Uli and I was pulling for him (with Miranda, who's available) but I didn't want to flub things up by trying to be a wingman. So I (mostly) didn't say or do anything to "help" him.

We all went back to the house and piled into various beds. Daniel & I got up early in the morning and got breakfast makings. We tried to produce scrambled eggs, toast & veggies, but it wasn't as well executed as we'd hoped. Alex got up and mostly saved us, and everyone was very appreciative, but me & Daniel aren't the best choices for producing yummy food that everyone likes.

Then we relocated back to the venue for the Chautauqua benefit show. Again, the show went very well and it was delightful to hang around with the other performers. Russ & Daniel hooked up with some pals to go to a dance event, and we dropped Miranda off at the house where Jake had (quite eagerly) volunteered to let her crash another night before heading north. I hope that she hooked up with Jake, but when I've asked her about she's been (predictably) quite close-mouthed. *snort* I'll find out. Oh, yes.

Then those of us who remained (Naia, Uli, Alex and I) drove back to Portland. Well, first Alex had the ego-crunching experience of accidentally letting the van drift into a parking sign as we pulled out of the venue's parking spot. The driver's-side front quarter-panel crumpled like tin foil. But our insurance covered it. I felt bad for Alex, though.

It was a great way to spend Alex's last weekend in Portland. It was sad to bid him farewell but we've had weeks to prepare for his absence and we'll be okay. I sure miss him, though. Especially at Gaelen's place. The lack of his presence is keenly felt, there.

As I write about the trip I feel lots of nostalgia. It was our last event with Alex as part of Kazum, and my last few hours spent with my best friend. But I can't help but feel more happy than sad. :)

March Fourth Birthday Bash

I love this show. It's the show where I first stepped on stage with Kazum, in 2007's birthday bash. In 2008 we stomped and danced hard enough to drive a stage-support through the floor of the Crystal Ballroom. And in 2009 we threw a raucous show that evolved into a crazed afterparty that rivaled the New Year's party. That's saying something.

We did a matinee on Sunday (Wednesday was 3/4). Kazum performed "Comes Love" in the noon matinee, and it was a good show. Then I hung around and watched the 4:00 show, which was also very good despite its lack of Kazum. Nanda was there, instead, and their set was delightful. Near the end Chen begins whaling on John Averill, then the other Nanda guys jump in against the drumline, but the M4 drummers beat Nanda down and stab them to a gruesome death with their drumsticks. I got a little choked up.

I got to hang around and watch the whole second matinee performance, which was a rare treat. I saw Scarlett dance... she's absolutely incredible. I saw a bunch more of the M4 dancing & stilting. It's been a year or more since I've caught more than a backstage glimpse of an M4 show. They're amazing. They had a short-term dude dancer - Oberon - who's a little taller than I am, but built like Alex. He was incredible, and he seemed a great fellow. I got to hang around and talk with Eros, who I met at LiB last year. He's one of the best stilters I've known, and he's an amazing guy as well. I hung out with him for quite a spell at the afterparty, when he's about as normal and unremarkable as one could imagine.

I also stopped by on Tuesday afer practice and caught quite a bit of the show, though we weren't performing or anything. I was supposed to be working on the Kazum stickers with Miranda & Uli, {whine}but they ditched me and never called back, so I guess I get whatever they come up with.{/whine} I did get to hold Aspen on my shoulders as he drummed, and carry Amy around in a Chair, which we've not done for many months.

On Wednesday the fourth we had the big birthday bash. It was wild & crazy. Gaelen was there, which was awesome! She doesn't usually want to go to fun things, for some reason, but she made a special effort for the M4 show. The show was really exciting, and it turned out well overall. Miranda & I missed our walkup, which killed our Cupie. :( And the ass-catch overthrew (which I should've anticipated) and it was an assisted landing rather than a catch-and-cradle. Still, overall, things were spectacular. As the final number built to a frenzied climax Gaelen had a horrible experience on the dance floor with overly-amorous drunken bastards. It really hit her hard and utterly ruined her evening. It was horrible timing, 'cause I was trying to stay alert for people telling me where to go for the final number. Plus it was so loud that I couldn't hear Gaelen at all, I could just see that she was upset but I didn't know why. I ducked out as soon as I could, leaving the wild raging beginnings of the afterparty with Gaelen. I left to take her home but she went home on her own instead. I took some time to calm myself from the whole ordeal, then I moseyed back to the now-in-transition afterparty.

It relocated to one of the M4 guys' house, which was a spectacular party house. There was an amazing music room downstairs, plus a pull-out bed that hosted quite a tangled mess of cuddling & kissing bodies. It wasn't as lecherous as it sounds, but it was pretty wild & crazy. I spent a lot of time in the backyard by the fireplace as light rain fell, talking with Eros & others. There were a lot of fascinating people wandering about, some of whom I knew and most of whom I either didn't know, or I've met but I don't remember. I re-met Kyle, whom I don't remember talking to my kids about (but I talk about my kids to a lot of people). I bumped into Rictor the photographer a few times. I stunted (an arabesque) with LaTisha. Claire (one of Alex's good friends) tried to make out with me, which was adorable, but even though Alex insists she's an adult I perceive her as about 12 years old. She & her gorgeous young roommate Mika were entirely occupied with the love-nest until becoming a portion of the chosen ones who relocated to a more private location for all manner of debauchery.

But that happened elsewhere. At the house party there was drinking & laughter & talking until the sun arose. I helped a new friend (Lila, I believe?) clean up quite a bit, then I gave another new friend (Andy, I think?) a ride home on my way to work.

The nightmare Gaelen went through was horrible, but other than that the evening and the event were spectacularly successful! It was one more in a crazy string of "Best Nights of my Life to-date" for Alex (who participated holehardedly in the more private after-after-party celebration). After listening to a handful of his stories I have to join him in opining that it's not likely he'll ever top that night.

I find it odd that I'm not jealous. Very encouraging, and a relief. I'd so much rather have kids than recurring nights of hedonistic satiation. That ain't good for me. Maybe Alex will get different results; I hope so. He seems to be truckin' along pretty well, and he's a pretty amazing dude so maybe he's got a shot at something I never did.

So why do I feel worry more than I feel happy for him? *shrug*

Kazum may do a show with Alex's group (The Hades Ladies) in San Diego, this October. That'd be way cool. He's leaving in 2 weeks and I don't know what I'll do when that happens. It's been really wonderful having a best friend for the last 6-8 months or so. *mopey sigh*

Happy New Year!

It was a spectacular New Year celebration. Probably the best I've ever experienced, despite some sad parts.

The sad part was preordained. Gaelen doesn't like the usage of chemicals that alter behaviors or thinking. I myself do like such usage now & then, though I also believe firmly that they're wrong and shouldn't be used... hypocrisy is my life. Anyway, when we first started dating she explained her feelings and I thought about it and decided to change my behaviors for her. I was okay with that until I found out that Zac was coming back into town and everyone in Kazum was planning to have a big amazing fun afterparty following our New Year performance.

I brought it up with Gaelen and asked for more explanation so that I could make choices I didn't want to make for her benefit without being consumed with bitterness and resentment. She clarified her position and explained that she wasn't gonna be all tore up over it, though she'd be disappointed and upset. But she'd get over it.

This redistributed the negativity for the conflict a bit more equitably, meaning that I'd still be feeling sad about her being upset, but I wouldn't be burdened with the full negative emotions arising from her sensitivity to the behavior. In other words... we'd both suffer (her more than me) instead of me being the only one to suffer, about her desire that I not do something.

But as New Year's Eve approached she became increasingly morose about it. Not just because I'd be off doing whatever, but because it meant we couldn't spend New Year's Eve together. I totally understand that; it's absolutely miserable going to a party with someone who's planning to end up doing something you hate.

So, Wednesday passed with Gaelen feeling abandoned and sad, while I was ramping up for a performance and an afterparty with Zac & crew. I felt sad 'cause Gaelen was sad but I also took care not to let her upset ruin my night. That's not only stupid but it also breeds resentment, which is one of the most poisonous emotions to introduce into a relationship of any kind.

Uli & I met at the Egg for a run-through of All About Love before the show. It went spectacularly, as expected; it's an easy and simple routine despite it being exciting and fun. Then we schlepped our mat over to the venue. I got a superb parking spot 1/2 a block away, which never happens! Bonus!

The venue is one we've performed in before, but it's been improved remarkably since last time. It was pretty cool. The staff was wonderful! The Green Room was a narrow, bent hallway with lots of junk stored in it; that sucked but it's just the way it goes. And actually it was plenty adequate for our needs. We were downstairs at the Rotture; an overhauled warehouse near the riverfront.

There weren't very many people at 9:00, when Trashcan Joe went on. Miranda & Alex got there before we went on, but nobody else we knew was there yet by the time Uli & I performed at about 9:30. It went well, though the performance space was pretty cramped. Alex said that my facials were pretty good, which was encouraging.

Then everyone else started showing up. Noah & Creature wandered in with their assorted wimmen. I always enjoy seeing those two and they're less careful about not being seen in my presence, lately. Not sure if I'm cooler now or if they're just less concerned about it. Hopefully the latter. It doesn't bug me, really, except that I feel bad for 'em because I like them. I also saw Cherry, who's been increasingly less standoffish. She still odds me out a lot 'cause I think our core beliefs about many things are drastically different... but that's much more fascinating to me than it is scary. Maybe some day she'll be comfortable enough and undisgusted enough that we can talk about stuff. Dunno. Doesn't really matter, 'cept that I think about her & Creature & Noah more than I think about any of the "Kazum outer circle" people. I'm really not sure why... I don't think about Naia nearly as much as I do those three, and I'm totally comfortable with Naia. Maybe that's why.

Anyway, I earnestly enjoy seeing Noah & Creature & crew and it was wonderful that they were there. I honestly do think I'm growing on 'em. Like fungus, maybe, or like a subtle STD.

As our performance time (10:00) approached, we were becoming increasingly concerned about Russ' absence. We'd choreographed a bunch of stunt sequences and pyramids that rely on him, although it's not as serious as having something like Planet Claire or Birthday or Piggies that simply cannot be performed without one of the members. He didn't show up at all, all night long. He didn't even call any of us. A no-call no-show for a show is probably grounds for immediate dismissal; it's rare to find a job that doesn't abide by such a policy. And Russ has done the no-call no-show before. Are we being stupid for not just cutting him?

I don't think so. I think that he's honestly excited about being part of Kazum. I think that he enjoys what we do very much. He's absolutely wonderful at it; he's a great base and a pretty good spotter. He's spectacular to work with at almost all times. I like him, I respect him, and I love him. But if we'd required his presence to perform, then Kazum would have blown off a big venue last night. Not only do we not get paid when we do that, but every person who shows up has wasted their night and all practice time spent on the event. But the worst cost is that the producers of the show would have to be complete fools or terribly desperate, to hire Kazum ever again. When a performing entity flakes out the night of the performance, people hear about it and spread the word and pretty soon nobody is interested in hiring that group anymore.

Despite the lack of 1/5 of the group, we did an amazing job. We threw random stunts and some simple sequences, and Uli & I ran through All About Love again. We did toe-pitches and libs and cupies and a three-headed dragon and all manner of delightful stuntery. It was not only fun & exciting to watch, but it was absolutely wonderful to perform. Even better, Zac got to cycle in frequently. At one point he announced that his chemical vowel had kicked in enough that he wasn't safe to do stunts with anyone but me... aw! Zac being safe! It was a little eerie! Plus, it was way cool that he and I can stunt safely regardless of mind alterations. We've practiced both our physical skills and our skills of judgment under such conditions. He always pushes boundaries; he is, after all, Zac. But together we're pretty impressively safe. Kudos to Melissa for her contributions to that!

After our hour of performance we were off the hook, so everyone but me got into their party clothes. I kept my performance clothes; they're way cooler than anything else I own plus I feel less self-conscious when I'm fancied-up as a performer instead of trying to have fun under my alter ego as UberDork.

I also don't have to worry quite as much about ruining others' enjoyment when the UberDork gloms on to them in a humiliating fashion. Everyone outside of the core Kazum group is pretty darn conscious of societal pressures to only hang out with the cool kids, and Alex & Miranda are at least somewhat conscious of it despite accepting me regardless. Uli honestly doesn't let herself care; she doesn't shun me because of my refutation of society's dictation of fashion. It bothers her... it bothers her a lot. It bothers all of 'em, bless their hearts. :) But Uli's simply amazing at setting that aside and not treating me any different no matter what I look like or what I say. It's one of her most admirable traits.

We all went back into the Green Room (aka "narrow twisty storage hallway") and took the steps required to put some ecstatic fun into our evenings. They also all put on party clothing. Then we moseyed back out into the celebration.

When Zac feels ecstatic, he shows it. Boy, does he. Alex has been going off about how showy Zac's ecstacy was. Zac's lower jaw juts forward and he gets this feral gleam in his eyes, which get all large and sharklike. It's not freakish or ugly or anything... it's just very odd and pronounced. His attention fragments easily at all times, but at times like last night it's even more fragile. When he's completely normal he can at best claim a few meager whisps of good judgment, but last night those were blown away like cottonwood fluff in a hurricane.

I stunted here and there with Zac & Alex, and carried the girls through the crowd in angels or other stunts now & then. It was really fun. There's something magical about a party where you have the ability to toss people around impressively. Alex and I lifted several girls in basic, simple stunts. One girl (Barr) was from Israel. She was jaw-clenchingly attractive, but since I was in my element I was able to talk with her without melting. There were actually a great many gorgeous women that I got to hang out with and massage and stroke their skin & hair... it was a very friendly, happy party. And I wasn't at all influenced by lust; I was feeling loving & open but not at all horny. At one point someone mentioned, "Man you've got a tough life" and it cracked me up. I get to entertain and bask in the limelight, then wander about and see all the cool kids who mostly happen to be my friends, and enjoy nearly all of the perks of being a social climber, without actually having to go to the horrific lengths required to actually be a social climber. I get to wander from beautiful woman to beautiful woman and hug 'em and hang with 'em, and I've got friends scattered everywhere at these events. It's pretty amazing... though in the moment I don't think any of that 'cause I'm just hanging out & having fun with my buddies. Only at big splashy events do I remember that many of my buddies are drop-dead gorgeous, plus nubile.

I got some great chances to spend time with Cherry. She regaled me with her tale of woe as she & Creature prowled about but found the hunting to be sparse. It was awesome, and I really enjoyed being let in on the grief. I also bumped into her a few other times, and forgot to give her space 'cause she's embarrassed by me. As a result, I discovered that she no longer seems to be embarrassed by me. Perhaps I've gotten less embarrassing. That'd be a shame, ugh. I'll have to think on that.

Creedence showed up at some point, which was spectacular. I like Creedence immensely. I got to hang out with her quite a bit as the evening progressed, including getting her backstage access to the Groove Bomb. She walked into the joint-zone, though, which is a cross between the Twilight Zone and the Bermuda Triangle. The way it works is that someone tries to hand you a joint. If you take it, you're screwed; there are way more of them than there are smokers, so you are stuck with it until you finish it or you find some poor sucker to take "just one hit". I got out quickly but Creedence had no such luck and the poor girl was gone for the rest of the night. It was great and she had a great time.

I had the most amazing evening. We traveled in small bunches that split apart and rejoined in an amazingly amoebalike fashion. As people in each group became attached to other people via conversations, touching, or whatever, I'd eventually wander off if I wasn't one of the attached. Soon I'd find another person or group that I knew, and I'd fasten on to them for a short or a long time. There was no drama, no hostility and no angst during the entire evening. Uli & Zac did get tied up in a long & intense conversation about a past event... but by the end of the night Zac felt like he'd gotten closure from Uli, and Zac feeling that way is what Uli required as well. I was really glad to see that skeleton finally get buried.

At one point I fell in love with a girl in a sparkly dress. She was beautiful and I was blown away. I don't know why; there were a great many beautiful women there. But I avoided her, as is my wont when attracted, and she became a recurring bright spot as I randomly encountered the sight of her here and there later during the night.

At another point I was introduced to a girl in a green dress. I remember the color because it matched her hair and her makeup and it was quite striking. I was appropriately stricken; I mumbled some garbled comment about how well she matched, choking back my instinctive reaction to tell the truth. I have learned that my instinctive reaction is almost always the worst possible thing to go on, and truth is usually a stupid choice. I usually just don't say anything.

Later in the evening this girl in green again entered my sphere of communication, and this time I actually blurted out the truth. For once, it turned out to be a good idea! Meeting her eventually became the high point of the entire evening, which amazes and gratifies me to no end.

But first I must describe the Groove Bomb. It's a traveling party that unloads music and hosts fun. You need a VIP pass to get on, but performers had that access so I got to spend quite a bit of time grooving. Alex spent a lot of time there, Zac & Laura did as well, and Uli eventually held court at the back of the bus for a time. It was noisy, but far less so than anywhere else in the entire venue... at least, until I discovered the Quiet Place. But that was later.

Miranda quickly picked up a gorgeous date: a near-mirror-image of herself named Melissa. Scrumptious. I bumped into them a few times as the night moved on but they were mostly engaged with one another, which I quite understood and was entertained by.

Alex was constantly surrounded by gorgeous women. He's more of a chick magnet than anyone I've known since I was in high school. It's amazing to watch. I'm so very glad I don't have the same affliction; I'd be way more irresponsible than he is with power like that. He also spent a lot of time with me; I got a great deal of Alex-Time and I loved it. We popped up to a shoulder-stand at one point to disable a bulb, then discovered that we needed to travel, which wasn't so easy for Alex 'cause he was ecstatic but he loved it very much anyway.

Uli finished resolving things with Zac but then I didn't see her for hours. She was having a great time, though. Eventually Aspen showed up, but he was pretty far gone and I didn't get to spend much time with him other than a quick stunt-bonding moment in a partially-floorless closet over the stairs, where I did a shoulderstand on his knees and he based me. Then Alex showed up and Aspen feint-slammed him and Alex barely restrained his instinctive & highly-trained protective counterstrike. Never pretend to attack a martial artist; if their control fails then you've tricked them into hurting you and neither of you wants that.

Russ, as mentioned before, didn't show up nor did he call. :(

Zac & Laura moseyed about a great deal, often with me. I got a lot of Zac-Time and I loved it. :) At one point we bumped into Skye & Bryce Pixton's younger sister whose name I can never remember. I had mentioned to Zac that I felt awkward around her 'cause she's Mormon, but he brought it up and she's not. So, as Zac loves to do, he jumped into sharing my personal beliefs about various things that are guaranteed to get me labeled as a closed-minded conservative idiotic hater-of-others. I don't mind explaining my beliefs... but being presented to a hostile audience (frequently consisting of multiple people) as a Hater is not fun for me. Laura mentioned it him and he blew her off, so I mentioned it and he blew me off, so I'll probably write an email explaining it and asking him to stop doing it unless it's in a situation where I can take 15 or 20 minutes and explain things.

At one point on the Groove Bomb, Alex was giving Zac some massage work. I jumped in, and someone else did, too (probably Laura; she's so wonderful with Zac). We worked him for 5 or 10 minutes... that must've been bliss. I massaged a bunch of people; I was feeling really feely. But nobody massaged me more than a quick touch here and there. I noticed this at the end of the night and felt sad about it. I wonder why. Maybe I'm more repulsive than I realize?... Or maybe most people aren't as feely as me, so I naturally end up giving lots more touching than I receive. Or maybe I'm creepy and I don't know it. These things could all be. *shrug* I ain't gonna worry about it unless I get more information.

At midnight I had nobody to kiss, but karma was not about to drop me on my ass so easily. It provided the perfect surrogate for Gaelen.

Zac, in all his fun-having glory, said to me, "Scott, will you kiss me at midnight?" I was thrilled to acquiesce. He nodded impatiently, obviously assuming this response, and elaborated, "Will you do it in an arm-to-arm?" My eyes lit up like a jackpot winner's and I sprayed gleeful assurances that yes indeedy I was up for such a feat.

We tried to stay close, but the ebb & flow frequently pulled us apart as the fateful moment approached. I knew that Zac had the same odds of sticking near me as a kid in a candy store, so I hovered near him instead. As I suspected, there was no 2-minute or 1-minute or 30-second warning... suddenly the crowd focused its noise into "8...7...6..."

By "6" I had blocked off with Zac. By "4" we were up. By "1" we were solid. And on "Happy New Year!" we did a quick peck in an arm-to-arm. (I had bronchitis, so anything deeper was a bad idear.) We held it for a bit and did 2 more pecks just to make sure we were satisfied with our gnifty experience. It was truly awesome.

I don't know when it happened, but during one of the frequent trips to the Green Room hallway I noticed that the locked door was now open and brightly lit. I ventured into the stairwell that was revealed. There was a open-faced closet-space above the stairwell (which is where I stunted with Aspen a bit). The stairs led down to the basement/practice space, which was far more quiet than up top. I explored the fascinating Quiet Space and then returned to the fun.

I wandered past the cushion area and saw someone giving Noah a massage. I jumped in and started working his legs. His date (gorgeous) noticed, and proferred her legs for me. I was delighted and I worked her for a while as well. She had kind of a hungry look as she started to sit up, so I bolted. I was often thinking of Gaelen and missing her, and anytime a pretty girl looked at me consideringly I immediately created an exit and seized it.

Back on the Groove Bomb, I found Alex engaged with the Green Dress girl, who was introduced to me as Emily. It fits her perfectly. She is a vision of extraordinary rarity. Her face isn't classic-beautiful; it's much more interesting than that. Her mouth is a little too large, I think. When coupled with her eyes and nose and chin and cheeks it's absolutely entrancing - she is amazingly attractive. She was very friendly and my nervousness skyrocketed, because as I looked into her eyes I knew that I'd found The Girl of the party. It's the same thing I found at the Sprockettes Benefit when I saw Miranda - she was the one girl there for whom I'd sell my soul, betray my commitments, upstage my morals, and abandon my dignity. But Emily was something beyond the "normal" Temptation Girl. She was really nice, and genuine, and accepting. She didn't care about the dorkism that's afflicted me from birth. She was interested in me, not in my arms or my costume or my potential bankroll (which happens to be nil). She said something like, "I feel like I really need to talk to you."

Instinct seized me by the vocal cords and I foolishly let them blurt forth my thoughts without filtering. "It's really difficult to speak when faced with someone who is as beautiful as you are." I was thunderstruck; how could she think I was anything but false, after a cheesy opening like that!? I hastened to assure her that I wasn't hitting on her, but simply being honest. She seemed to believe me, but she also seemed a little more friendly than was justified after that. But how can someone tell that when the friendliness comes from someone so angelic? She could've slapped me and I'd've assumed it was meant flirtatiously.

But she wasn't pushing any boundaries, she was just very friendly and feely. I loved that; I was the same way. We snuggled up and Alex joined us and I fell in love with her in the space of about 5 minutes. I'd do just about anything for that girl and I just barely met her. Alex was feeling the same thing; he said, "Maybe it's just the drugs but I feel a tremendous connection here." I did, too, and I was tickled pink that we could all share it and Alex would happily relieve me of the burden of any romantic aspects. It was clear that Emily was fine with Alex as the designated romantor. We were the Three Musketeers for the rest of the night.

I apologized for being so blunt, and explained that even in the best of times I'm severely discretion-challenged. She asked if I'd answer any question at all with the truth and I nodded helplessly. She asked, "What is your best trait, or the thing that you do the best," and I shot out the answer immediately 'cause it's something I've often pondered: "I am best at loving others." Alex had tears in his eyes as he validated that, which really touched me to the core of my heart. It was a really wonderful thing for me to see him care about because it's really important to me, being the core of my being and all.

We shared some more bonding and then Alex stumbled off again and Emily spilled water down her cleavage. She began naievely fiddling and I turned away with an exclamation about how girls can't just go waving gorgeous cleavage around like that. She was quite amused and she bounced off to tell Alex while I recuperated from the near miss. I was having enough trouble keeping romance & lust from shouldering their way into my newfound love. I did not need unintentional cleavage factoring in.

Emily revealed that she's a musician. I'm thinking to myself, "Good Lord, this just keeps getting more and more amazing. She's the most nearly perfect woman I've ever met in my life. How can she possibly be any more angelic?" Those were my very thoughts; "angelic" was how I would have described her if limited to a single word. That's when she announced that her instrument of choice is a harp. Alex and I just kind of goggled. There was probably drool. She asserted that she had her harp with her. We stumbled over one another's tongues in our attempts to ask her for a performance. She happily agreed and we hauled ourselves, our angel, and her harp over to the stage.

It took a long time for her to get set up & tuned, and to arrange with the DJ to cycle in. Just as she was almost ready, another performer (part of the Kazum outer circle, in fact) came and took her microphone. She asked for it back, explaining that she needed it for her harp, but the other performer shunted her aside and left with the mic.

So, Emily played but we couldn't hear her over the noise. :( It was very frustrating but the karma of the evening was far too stoic to be easily blockaded. I'm a little dense, but karma kept pounding away at my obtusity until I eventually erupted in epiphone: "Aha! I've got it! I know a Quiet Place!" Alex looked at me in bafflement (this time I know there was drool 'cause I was lookin' right at it) but Emily simply nodded in trusting joy. I slobbered eagerly in response.

Did I mention how ecstatic we all were? It must've been a foolfest, but those involved were oblivious to such worldly external constraints.

We packed our act downstairs to the dungeonesque back room adjacent to the prison. I insisted that broken chickenwire indicated a storage space but Alex was adamant that it was obviously a prison, and Emily seemed entertained by that idea, so my knowledge agreed to subvert itself to my willpower and I now firmly believe that it was a prison. Love'll do that.

Alex and I chattered sappily as Emily prepared her harp for music. Then she began to play and we both took a little Happy Break from our thoughts. We were both standing, but about halfway through I managed to open my eyes and I saw that Alex had collapsed down into a crouch, supported by splayed hands on the ground.

It was one of the most amazing and heavenly things I've ever experienced. I couldn't even look at Emily; my heart just couldn't take it. But the sound... wow, the sound. She's not just a dabbler; she plays the harp well. I think that a violin might possibly rival a harp for pure beauty but a fiddle can't hold a candle to the ephemeral and otherworldly aura that harp music exudes. Alex and I felt ourselves being bound to Emily by powerful spiritual cords of silk and it was exquisite.

She seemed a little amused by our choked-up praise; she surely gets that a lot when she comes down to earth and regales mortals. We tried numbly to speak, but our voices were toadish in our own ears after the miraculous strains we'd been exposed to.

I asked Alex to share with us the poem he won a competition with. It's about 6 minutes and it's absolutely spectacular. As Emily put away her harp, Alex and I circled the basement and turned off the nearest lights so that we had near darkness for the poetry.

Listening to his voice as the poem rolled off of his tongue is probably the only thing that could've possibly followed Emily's harp performance without seeming pitifully ridiculous by comparison. Both times I've listend to Alex recite this poem I've been so caught up in the rhyme and meter and the brilliance of the words, that I've utterly failed to maintain enough mid-and-short-term memory to link it all together. It's about temptation, salvation and evil, but I couldn't tell you a summary, still, which shames me. But it's not because I don't pay attention! It's because I'm paying so much attention that the amazing details fill me up and push out the core plot of the piece.

After that I recited Annabel Lee. It was really fun; I love reciting poems as much as I love hearing them.

Alex and Emily were snuggling and I wanted to join them but I had also begun to hope very much that they'd fall in love (romantic love), and I knew that some privacy would probably facilitate this process. I went upstairs to pee, and I then made a short circuit of the nearby area, where I bumped into Uli, who was feeling like leaving sometime soon. I brought her down to say goodbye to Emily & Alex, and I discovered that Emily is her friend. Very cool.

The magical, musical, love-filled night had ended and the sun on its glaring way up. Breakfast smells were happening upstairs. Emily suggested that we accompany her to her house, and I'm sure that it's easy to imagine the bright-eyed glee that accompanied our joyful acceptance of this offer.

We all went back upstairs and bid our farewells. As we gathered our various things I remarked to Alex, "We're going home with the most beautiful girl at the party!" It struck me as funny but he just blinked; he's dim even at the best of times, poor boy. At least he has his physique.

I had a co-pilot on the drive to Emily's slice of heaven. Her friend Elizabeth whom I'd earlier spent some time stroking. Elizabeth was extremely nice and friendly, though she had to sit in back 'cause the mat was in front. During the drive I jabbered incessantly, mostly about Gaelen. Elizabeth surely thinks me a very odd fool, which is pretty close to accurate.

When we all arrived, Elizabeth scampered off to go hot-tubbing elsewhere. Alex & Emily & I relaxed onto the couch, stroking and cuddling one another. It was really wonderful. Emily asked if we had obligations, and Alex answered for both of us when he said, "There's nowhere in the world I'd rather be."

Alex eventually dozed off and Emily & I talked about him for a while. I revealed my not-so-subtle plan for them to fall in love and she said, "We'll see what happens." I said, "That's what he said," and he half-woke and asked, "Why would you wanna remember that?" which had nothing at all to do with what we'd been talking about. I guffawed and Emily made angelic laughing noises like the chiming of bells.

When Emily started fading away I suggested that Alex and I could let her be so that she could sleep. She asked why we'd want to do that, which was a wonderful question! I suggested that we could all pile into her bed and sleep and she was delighted. I asked if she often brought two men home from parties and she paused to think about it, which cracked me up. (The answer was, "no.") We all snuggled down and Alex dropped off again. Emily lasted a little longer. When I'd stroke her face it would light up in a beautiful smile and my heart would lurch. It was amazing.

After they both fell asleep I got up; my kids were at home and I would never be able to sleep with in a strange bed, anyway, especially not with others in the bed with me. I took a picture; it's ridiculously cute. Then I came home and played with kids & real life resumed.

But that was one of my most amazing, wonderful, loving nights ever. I was occasionally sad 'cause Gaelen was home being miserable, and I missed Gaelen frequently. But other than that the night was absolutely perfect.