Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - Meeting the Statues

When breakfast started happening we stumbled out and got ready for the day. After a shower I always feel super-better. There was markedly little stunting - a lot of people drank a lot the night before. I didn't; booze is delightfully more and more not my thing. I'm very glad of that.

So, amid the groans, I felt pretty darn good. Also, my wonderful Amanda returned to hang out with all of us. Everyone seemed to like her - though I suppose I only saw her meet and talk with a few folks. I'm lousy at judging other people's interactions, anyway, unless I'm watching closely.

There's always been kind of a rule - if you're dating someone then you can vouch for 'em to be part of the Circus family. At least, if you're placed high enough on the food chain. It really helps if they're helper-people, like Clover. Or if they're super-cute, like Clover.

We all kicked about until finally loading up our gear and bodies into the bus, which was an oven. It turns out that Amanda drives a sexy black Jaguar. I can't figure out what the hell this girl sees in me, honestly. I'm not arm-candy, my haircut was given by Uli in the parking lot on Saturday morning, I'm flat broke, and I can't dance. Seems like a California hottie driving a Jaguar would drive right past, right? Maybe I'm a ticket to the Circus, or like Dutch says, maybe I'm just that good in bed.

My opinion is that I talk to her like she's not a supermodel - she always blinks when I call her on shit, like she's not used to it. But she responds well to it - a super-attractive trait for me. I've lately dated a lot of girls who aren't at all interested in hearing a damn thing about my insights into what I would describe as their flaws. Few people are - another weird thing about this new culture. I used to spend the bulk of my time interacting with people who were earnestly seeking out their own flaws and striving for self-improvement. But in the big ol' world it's really rare to find anyone interested in another person's criticisms. And why would anyone be? The big ol' world is full of people whose insight is all chock full of ... what do the AA folks call it? Stinkin' thinkin'. Heh.

So, maybe Amanda likes being dealt with beyond her hotness. She seemed to, up in Portland. Or maybe I'm a nice guy and she responds to that. Or maybe we have lots of fun together and she digs the funseeking stuff. Or maybe I'm sexier than I realize. Girls tell me with straight faces that I'm handsome. Amanda did see me a lot in makeup and costume, and people are way, way sexier in makeup and costume.

Doesn't matter. She really digs me and I am glad. The sexy stuff is bonus. Was bonus. Might be bonus again. We might bump into one another again. My fingers are crossed. She's a pretty amazing girl.

So this amazing girl drives me in her hot sports-car to American Steel where the statues hang out. She brought snacks and wine - she doesn't drink. Supercool date.

I suited up in green coveralls and gloves 'cause I fell for the prank that I had to do so. I looked like a big green frog up there, and it was beastly hot. Nobody else who climbed on it had to suit up. It was probably Creature who made me dress up, that bastard.

I shimmied up the statue and tried out the things I'd been so eager to try out. Just positions and locations and relative distances. Trying to get ideas for what we can do on this fella. He's crouchy - there's a picture somewhere I know it.

He's all coated with thick cable that's got wires sticking out. They're sharp and strong and there's no easy way for us to crawl around on the statues. The crew who maintains them can buff them somewhat, but mostly we'll have to build some platforms.

His head is strong - I stood on it. I would love to see Brittany handbalancing up there, or one of us doing a handstand off it to a cradle below. I also wanna do some leaps down to thick padding. But mostly we'll using the platform on the shoulders, and jumping off (and maybe on).

After our exhausting 10-minute exploration of the statue we needed some rest, so we retired to the sunshine out back to stunt. There's a FaceBook picture from that time, yay! I'm holding Amanda, with my gut bulging out. Dutch claims I've a six-pack, but I've yet to see it. Brittanie is in the back, with Jay & Dutch & Tiari to the side.

Russ shared some excellent whiskey and coke, and I felt nicely buzzed for the rest of the evening. Thank you Russell!

Then we split up a bit. Tiari and Brittanie came in Amanda's car with us, and we went shopping. *cringe* I shoulda realized that taking off with 3 girls would mean shopping. It was fun hanging around with them between shopping sprees. :)

We met up with Dutch, Creature, Clover and Andy and hung out on Haight & Ashbury. That was pretty fun, but nothing exceptionally fun happened, really. Just lots of great company and chatting.

We rejoined the bus and waited as folks trickled back from wandering about. I got to make out with Amanda for a few delicious moments. I do like that girl. And she's super-responsive.

Creature decided to change his pants directly in front of Clover's car. She wasn't about to let that opportunity slip past, so she flicked on her lights to spotlight him. A minor funny moment, but memorable nonetheless.

Then it was time to bid adieu to my dream-date. Amanda had to take off. I hope to see her again, but part of her magical charm is that she's temporary. I think she'd be serious trouble if she were nearby.

We piled on the bus and headed out. A friend of Creature's had offered to give us a big meal and party, and we indulged in both. It was a great place, and some of our hosts friends came to party, too. They drank a lot (as did we) and some of them got kinda surly (as we did not). I missed most of that, thank heavens. I was chatting with various people all about, and drinking a bit.

At around midnight the bus loaded everyone up except me, Clover, Andy and Brittanie. We were the occupants of Susie-Q for the ride home. Brittanie and I crashed in a bed, and then a hide-a-bed a little later. We slept like the dead, waking at 4:00 to roll out for Portland.

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - The Afterparty

I was bummed about Amanda leaving, but I was heady from the rush of being a circus acrobat and then dancing a bunch with a hottie. More importantly, I was with people I care for and trust. My circus family. Clover & Andy were staying at a different place again, sadly. But the rest of us were there, though a few folks crashed early.

A bunch of folk were drinking, including the fulla-fun AWOL girls (excluding Alysia, who doesn't drink or do anything bad except occasionally kiss a boy or perhaps think a swear-word now & then.) Miranda was all stunt-happy, but a little too inebriated for her body to cash the checks her mouth was writin'. Brittany jumped up, though, and did the afore-mentioned Butterfly wall-walk. So did Miranda. I think. I was pretty sleepy and wiped out by then. I'm reasonably sure that Doc and I did an extension, and I might've flown a shortlived angel on Dutch. But that mighta been in the AM.

I posted on FaceBook a time or two, at some point. I wish we had more pictures to help record the memories. :( One more reason to miss Joey. That trip would've been at least as wonderful with Joey. Unless she was drinking. Then it woulda probably been nightmarish. I gotta quit playing the "What if I hadn't" and the "What if she'd quit prior" game. It's been tearing at me enough lately, I think.

We did some stunting that's starting to trickle onto FaceBook. :) We built a 3-dog-stack with Dutch on top. Russ and I double-based Dutch. I extended Doc.

Temple realized that I'd love to utilize his rigging, so he began setting up for some harness-supported stunting. Superyay! But it didn't ever flower to fruition, sadly. Miranda was the gung-ho flier but she wasn't feeling very well by then. So things began to slowly wind down, with several of the single fellas congregating around the girls present. I just wanted to crash, so I followed the A-WOL party duo into the dark, relatively quiet bedroom, where they were giggling drunkenly. I just sat back and chuckled along with them for quite a while - that's when I was chastised for writing such long updates to FB. For some reason they found it HIlarious that I made a bowl of food to eat before I retired for bed. They were a riot.

As I ducked into the bedroom with the two giggling drunk aerialist girls I got one thumbs-up and one lecherous grin from two of the single guys. I wanted to try to address that but instead I just told the girls and we laughed about it. Nobody actually said anything about it at all, except Dutch, bless his heart for crediting me with that kinda potential. He thinks I'm sexier than I am, IMO. I may think the same of him, I dunno, but I've seen him jumped on by way more cuteys than I've been jumped on by.

Eventually the ladies went to sleep, and so did Miranda & Brittanie, followed shortly thereafter by me. Yay for sleep at last!

Brittanie is one of the volunteers for various Wanderlust shows. Miranda forbid me from hitting on her 'cause Cookie wanted exclusive rights. *snort* I agreed, though. Which was good, 'cause Brittanie digs me tons as a friend but has no interest in me as a guy. Up until this point I just knew her as Wanderlust Hottie Who May Be Dating Someone. (She wasn't; that's just an easily mistaken impression amongst our crew.)

Anyway, at this point I barely knew Brittanie. She was "Miranda's date" more or less.

So, we slept for a few hours. Like 4 or 6 - some nice biggish number. It was hot in there, with 5 people in a small room.

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - Day of the Show

I got up and helped Ben the supercook make superbreakfast. Dutch helped a bit, too, more or less offsetting the bacon he kept snitching. Miranda did dishes, as did Noah. Dunno why I feel like calling out props, but it's important that helping hands are noticed and appreciated.

We stunted around and relaxed and showered and got ready for a show. Then we piled back into the Wanderbus and Susie-Q, and drove across the Bay Bridge. Breathtaking. I was trying to paint my nails black & white, and the view kept drying stuff up. My rough paintjob now reminds me of San Francisco's Bay Bridge. Aw.

The venue was freakin' sweet. The stage was *almost* adequate, but Creature did his magic and up went an extension. Then it was simply a little too shallow, but we more or less coped. But headspace we had, and good visibility to the crowd. Plus, the green room was on a balcony behind the stage, over a cool arched bridge that *screamed* out for handstands. It got 'em, too. I saw to that bridge.

The aerialists had 4 different mounts, including a pulley that the local circus crew used (with Dutch's ballast) to raise and lower Brandy and Jess during their routine. It was super-cool.

Brandy and Jess
These girls get a big shout out. They're supercool. I think that they finally got comfortable that the Kazum guys weren't trying to get in their pants like the rest of the male and pro-lady female population of the planet.

That's good; it gives us an edge. ;)

But we're not *aggressively* trying to bed them, so they relaxed and hung out. Stunting, joking, bickering, taunting the spamminess of... all kinds of stuff. Man, if those two ever saw this blog they'd flip out. A single paragraph of internet was too much. This old-school text-based communication thing is just way too wordy... and that's pre-Scott. Once I get done with it it hardly resembles words at all. Just big chunky blocks of nearly-random text.

So, Brandy is 5-ninish until she gets into the air and then her legs grow longer. She's amazing to watch. I consciously didn't, in fact. I don't like ogling. Jess I can watch; she's a little sister, I think. Brandy's just too fun to watch, for me.

I *love* watching people watching a show, by the way. Crowd watching is a riot. And when Brandy does her thing, the crowd's eyes and expressions are delightful to behold. Jess is gorgeous up there. The two of them are amazing together. The applause after their silk routine was thunderous. They, more than anyone, sold Wanderlust to S.F.

And then they danced like crazy. :)

But I'm jumping way ahead. First there was stretching and blocking the routine and rigging and hanging out for 5 or 6 hours until showtime. It was way fun. My shirt was discovered to be undiscoverable, so Alysia donned her Superhero Seamstress hat and built me a shirt from scraps. It was wonderful.

I went for a walk to explore S.F. but I got distracted by a marching band. M4 rolled up and I chatted with them as they disembarked.

Then things got loud. Sound check, talking, stretching s'more. M4 rolled out after an hour or two; they had another tiny gig and supper before the big show after ours. Here's a shot of that scene.

My focus up to then was on circus stuff, mostly - making sure we were moving along and good to go. And then Amanda arrived.

Amanda
She featured in a previous blog post. She's amazing, and when she gets fancied up she's one of the hottest little critters I've ever seen. She was my date for the show, which spins off into a whole guilt thing...

Dutch is very right that I don't deserve a dream date with a sexy girl just a week and a half from cheating on my girlfriend. He proscribed an arbitrary 2 weeks. I think that's kinda silly; 2 weeks isn't gonna atone for anything. But it is an actual cost, and a consequence, and something I shouldn't dodge. So I agree with him.

And then there's Amanda. *sigh*

I'd love to claim that I nobly refrained, but that isn't so. Instead, I got a super date that went home without me at the end for other reasons that had nothing to do with me or my recent bastardliness. So, in all the most important ways, things worked out really well.

Kazum did a full run-through that was not only choppy, but peppered with drops. Not terrifying... but still scary. Despite that, I think we all felt ready for the show. We were the first act.

It was choppy. Not terribly so... and we're all really good at pulling choppiness together. I love all of us so much! I saw James & Doc drop some stuff that had to hurt. The Ass Catch was at 95% power plus adrenaline, and I nearly ran out of stage to catch it in. But we got it. The extension stuck up there like a porn star, and the Triple Base cradled despite my fear that it was a goner. Somehow the Candelabra looked more or less complete, though it *felt* like it was holding together by fingernails, prayers and mantras. Adrenaline beat exhaustion, but heat exhaustion was a serious contender for the evening's competitions. I staggered offstage, forgetting that I was supposed to lift Jess up to Brandy, beelining for the back room that was delightfully chilly. I was actually starting to grey out a bit - so hot under spotlights doing high-intensity stunting with too many pounds of leftover computer nerd on me. Dutch felt every steak & cheeseburger he's eaten for a week, I'm sure. We're big fellas, we are.

I mingled a bit prior to Lions. I had a breathtaking date down there. I liked watching her dance from the balcony, but I also liked her dancing around me and beside me. There were many people to see, though, and stunts to be thrown.

Lulu was there! I love seeing her. But it's always at some crazy event, and I always have someone who's there with me. I'd love to try to kiss that girl at some point. I don't usually; most girls have to make a pass at me before I trust that they're interested. But I feel brave enough to take a chance with Lulu. Yum.

There was stunting in the smoking lounge, in back. There was much laughter and talk and hugging of good friends. It was a crazy fun party.

Lions went well. We were putting our hearts into being leonine. But the crowd couldn't really see us very well; the stage was a little bit too low to showcase Lions well. It felt like it went well, though - we got mad cheers for the final agonizing portion of the triple crab twist. I'm glad; that 3 seconds is always the most painful of any show. I think I flipped rather than handspringing 'cause the stage felt crowded, but that's fine.

The Kazum guys were ogled like we were made of chocolate. I wouldn't have believed it but I saw the girls looking at Doc & Dutch, so I suppose they were looking at me as well. It was scary. I was glad that I had a date. I felt that way once at the Roller Derby girls' party, too.

I had the most amazing night, and Amanda was often at my side. We danced a lot, and I've never danced before, really. It was more grinding than dancing, I think, but it was dancelike. I danced with Creature, and with Creature & Amanda, and it was pretty magical. I wasn't on drugs or anything. But I don't think I could've danced with anyone other than those particular two. Serendipity.

The crowd cleared out, and finally so did Amanda. *sigh* We all returned to Temple's place for The Afterparty.

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - The Trip Down

On Thursday morning-ish the replacement Wanderbus began ingesting circus folk & gear. The morning before I dug ditch while listening to Creature mastermind a replacement. It was pretty impressive. All hail Kae, by the way. As Creature put it, "I didn't buy a bus, I bought a guy."

I had to work on Thursday from 9:30 to noon. I was all excited, telling all of my gymkids that I was getting in a car to drive to San Francisco to do a big circus show. Lots of my gymkids stunt with me; I love my job. Alysia's kind of the final evolution of gymkids to stunt with.

Then I biked to Clover's place with my backpack. One advantage of being largely homeless is that I easily pack for days at a time. Clover and Andy and I waited a bit for Sid and Dutch and then we filled Susie-Q to very near her weight limit, and drove her southward.

We stopped here and there to stunt, but most of the initial ride is hazed a bit by pain. Dutch and I are big fellas, and Susie-Q is dainty like her driver. My knees and legs were killing me, and Dutch matched my whine-intensity gripe for gripe. We were some unhappy large dudes.

Providence saw fit to offer us a cruel twist of fate, though. Not cruel to us - cruel to Wanderlust, who had to pay $650 for new tires when a piece of rebar in the road made messy rubber shrapnel of 2 replacement Wanderbus tires. A focused Mormon-looking mechanic made quick work of the repairs but not before my and Dutch's need manifested a meeting. We swapped onto the bus, which necessitated some stunting with Brittany Walsh.

Brittany Walsh
She gets her own header. She's incredible.

I've never stunted with Brittany before. Frankly, she intimidates me. She's a for-reals Circus acrobat - a hand-balancer who routinely achieves feats that leave me bitterly envious yet inspired to be a better me. But on a wacky Circus tour, my normally-robust inhibitions sometimes break down a bit, and I asked her to stunt.

She leapt gracefully to her feet and then my hands, and we did some basic stunts. But we did 'em well. She's one of the best first-stunts I've ever experienced. I pushed into a Butterfly from an Angel (her 2nd with me) and she just responded and flew it. Later at Temple's we did another Butterfly, and walked it along the wall. First time I've ever thought of or tried it - it went splendidly!

Every time I've asked her stunt since that initial one, she's jumped up and gone for it. I love this girl.

We ate delicious food while swapping tires & passengers, as well. Ben is a great guy. I figured he was, otherwise Uli never woulda snuggled with him and then blushed so entertainingly about it. Ben made superbomb food the whole trip. I want him as our cook every time. Not just for the food - he's a chill guy who's really nice. I'd love to hang out with him more. Hell, maybe we can even snuggle.

Then it was time to pile into the bus and find a place. Alysia had abandoned the bus for Clover's car, to keep the bus under its legal limit.

This was a point when I first actually saw clues about Doc & Alysia. They had hung out once before in a datelike fashion, but I blew that off. Until the bus - I saw a glance and an arm-touch that were pretty clear. Aw! And yet... hm. Doc's an older fella, divorced, has a kid, and going through a very familiar-looking reinvention of himself via the Circus.

I mean, I dated Gaelen, who was too young for me. But she wasn't young the way Alysia is young.

Perhaps I'm simply so suspicious of lechery in myself that I project it's potential in others? Nah, I don't actually think Doc's horning for a pretty 18-year-old.

I just worry that he's in flux, and she's potentially at risk of what the fluxing puts him through. But enough of that.

The bus took off with about 300 lbs more weight than it expected, but it seemed to handle it fine. I hovered for a bit, playing on the hang-bars, and flitting about in pure enjoyment of leg room while traveling. I like spacious busses way better than wee Irish cars.

I ended up by Creature, which was cool. He's a solid base for me to operate off of. But I floated around a lot.

There was a movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I've not seen it in years. I watched most of it, but dozed off near the end.

There were a few stops, such as when we rolled into California and pinged closed liquor stores until bursting in on Weed. There was less stunting in Weed than one might wish. I slacked.

After that, we had booze. Dutch foolishly tried to lure the prim AWOL ladies (Brandy and Jess) into playing drinking games. They rose to the challenge and we had a laughter-laden 4-hour game of 21. Much fun. Favorite quote: "Table" by Brandy as a word to rhyme with. Super-inventive, those drunk A-WOL chicks. ;)

I also played guitar for an hour or so, which I enjoyed a bunch. I got to play to the back section where Tiari and Noah were sleeping, so I didn't feel like I was too-louding everyone else. I haven't played & sang for way, way too long. I gotta get my guitar to Jem's the next time I have boys.

We rolled into San Francisco and arrived at Temple's place. Temple is one of Creature's old circus buddies, and he is awesome. He put up the circus in his huge living space. Everybody but me even got something soft to sleep on. We crashed out *fairly* quickly, but we didn't even get there until morning, so I don't remember what time the last person went to bed, leaving me an empty living room at long last. I slept for 2 or 3 blissful hours before the breakfast crew began prep-work on the Day of the Show.

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - The Backstory

Three weeks ago Kazum returned from the Moisture Festival and realized that we had to choreograph a whole new routine for the San Francisco trip. That's really where last weekend began.

An unlikely duo stepped up to the plate due to Uli's school activity coupled with both of our fliers' superbusy dating life. It's tough being a dazzling, costumed acrobat girl. So many parties to attend. ;) No, really, they both work a lot and Uli's school schedule has been crushing her.

Dutch and I agreed to spearhead the new routine, which James eventually christened the "Death Blossom" in honor of a way cool weapon name from the Last Starfighter. If you don't know that show, please remove yourself from my FaceBook friends-list. We basically took one of our toughest routines "Planet Claire" with me & Dutch & the girls, and hacked it down a bit. Then we added a 5th person and our other hardest number - "Birthday". But we really needed to Doctor it up a bit so we threw in some Adagio and other Doc-friendly tricks, culminating in a big 6-person Candelabra.

Dutch and I paid lip-service to how freaking difficult and exhausting this routine would be. But we've both got enough machismo to gloat on the inside. We paid for that arrogance in sweat - both our own and others'. Doc looked like he had been white-water rafting at the end of the set on Saturday night, and James & the girls weren't so fresh-looking, either. But Dutch and Scott, the Meatloaves of Kazum, really bore the brunt of the exhaustion, I think.

It was sad to choreo Ari outta the routine, but he can't make the performance dates. :(

As we worked on it, Doc and James surreptitiously injected their special magic into the routine. They both kinda went with, "Sit out for the first half of it? I think not." And what they added is spectacular - yet they were careful not to eclipse or steal thunder. Excellent choreography shout-outs to both of the Kazum Ninjas.

Doc & Dutch have been putting in mad extra hours, too. Both of their stunting & spotting have increased remarkably in the last 2 months. Big kudos to them for extra efforts! That's the way to hone your stunt game - work it outside of regularly scheduled practice time.

Forward to last week - we've still not gone through the whole 5.5-minute stuntfest yet. Even blocking it is still rough. Some tricks were still tagged "in progress but hey we'll get it won't we?" Typical Kazum errata; nothing new there. But still pretty scary.

As we so adroitly do, we pulled it together. I had a hard time staying focused due to anguish over Joey and what I did. (Quick summary: I broke up with her by cheating on her.) I was also stressing about covering rent, finding a place to live, working as many extra hours as I could manifest, and not sleeping nearly enough.

But we did it! Death Blossom is a great routine with lots of amazing stuff in it. It rockets into action with an early Basket Toss, and finishes up with dazzling Adagio and a huge angular Candelabra. It's not to musical cues other than the first 8 measures or so, so it can be fit to any music. We're well pleased.

Circus & Relationship let-down blues

So, breaking up with Joey was tough and painful 'cause I deserved it and I hurt her. But then I had lots of busy-ness going on with working for Creature, stunting a ton, and prepping for the San Francisco trip. Facebook is a reminder of the painfulness - pictures of Joey and comments from Joey. But part of my busy-ness included no real online access. So, I was mostly distracted.

Now I'm back into the normal, boring old groove of my life. And now I'm missing Joey a lot, as well as missing the distraction & fun & emotional balm of circus camaraderie.

Despite that, I never quite find myself wishing that Joey and I were still together, somehow. I'm not 100% sure why that is, especially since she stopped drinking and that was one of the biggest challenges I had in our relationship.

I do keep finding myself wishing I'd just broken things off instead of stepping out and betraying the relationship. :( That really eats at me. Dutch and Sara are great at reminding me of that, which I appreciate. I don't want a free pass, or to be distracted instead of hurting. I want to shoulder the consequences of my choice and be impacted by them.

In San Francisco I got lots of snuggling and fun. Amanda came out to see me, and she had clearly designated herself as my arm-candy. Very friendly, dancing with me, always standing next to me - it was wonderful. But Dutch's "No Action for Two Weeks" decree weighed on me. It turns out that Amanda wasn't there to sleep with me, anyway - she was just arm-candy. I'm not gonna claim 100% satisfaction with that... but all things considered I'm really glad it worked out that way. Sex with guilt attached wouldn't have been good. There was enough guilt about just the cuddly stuff & kissy stuff.

It was also nice to be attached. There were a bunch of hungry-eyed ladies at the show, and they were smiling at us Kazum boys like panthers eyeing a couple of plump bunny rabbits. I don't want to experience rock-star style casual hookups with hot babes. It freaks me out. I like people way more than I like flesh, and casual hookups are about flesh way more than they're about people.

Getting to know Jess & Brandy & Brittanie was super fun. Again, there wasn't any romantic pressure there - none of 'em are at all interested in me for whatever reason, so I can relax and just hang out with them. Yay! The AWOL girls were crazy fun. Spending the car ride back with Brittanie was also way fun. She was raised Mormon, and it's tough to see her as a hot girl now. At the same time, she's super attractive to me - I understand Mormon girls, very much, and I really bond well with them. That makes me (mostly) glad that she's too young for me and uninterested in me, to boot.

Lulu was really friendly at the show, as well. She's been friendly in the past, and I always seem to have a relationship or a date at the time. Lame. I'd love to kiss Lulu. Even more, though, I'd love to hang out with her and get to know her. I only ever see her at big festive parties and afterparties.

I also love hanging out with Anna. Again, she's not at all interested in me for whatever reason, and that leaves us free to snuggle and cuddle and hang out without any romantic pressures. :) She's another girl that would be big trouble if she liked me.

Adrienne is another matter. She used to go on at length about how much she wanted to be my lover, but since reconnecting with her after breaking up with Joey, she's not been at all romantically forward. Maybe it's just Dutch's hostile "Two Weeks!" energy. But it's for the best, I think... as Dutch would say, I don't deserve rebound action. And, painfully, I agree with him.

But I've been dating someone or other for the last year or so, and I'm into my 2nd week without any lovin's. It's difficult. And that's okay. If I strive to be honest with myself, that's even excellent. Just tough.

This somehow turned into a "list the girls I'm crushing on" kind of post. Lame.

Back to the circus. :)

I wanna be on the Wanderbus more in the future. The car is great! But it's just got less people to get to know. I did enjoy reciting my entire repertoire of poems while driving through northern California in the early AM. Everyone else was asleep (though Andy caught some of it) which lets me just relax and not be nervous about soliloquizing. I'm oddly shy for someone who's so often spammy and powerfully extroverted.

Playing drinking games with Dutch and Uli and the AWOL ladies was spectacular. I didn't spend much time with my all-time favorite AWOL girl on this trip, sadly - Alysia was usually doing things where I wasn't. :( But she was quite adequately entertained, as was I, and I sure hope that we'll resume our hanging-out patterns now again despite the interference of a certain Kazumite who's started monopolizing her time. :)

I didn't spend much time with Uli or Miranda, either. On Kazum-only tours we get way more time together. I can't wait for more of that. I love those girls very much.

Brittany Walsh is a stunt-goddess! She also doesn't know how to say "no". Pretty much the perfect girl for me. Off-limits, super-stunty, no inhibitions about stunting. Right on.

I feel bad, as though I stole Kae's dream girl. Amanda came for me, and was there to be my date, but both Temple and Kae were crushing on her pretty hard (and who wouldn't be, good heavens).

I really need to blog out a chronological order of events for this trip, for my own memory if nothing else. And... Clover just called and I need to go pick up my bike. So, this is the end of this disjointed ramble.

I miss Zac. *sigh* And Alex. Why can't they both live close by again? I haven't had a best friend for months, now.

Polyamory

About a week ago I was wrestling with whether or not, and how, to break up with my girlfriend. A few days into that I decided to do it via cheating on her via a casual fling with a girl I'd just met. I'm still undecided on the wisdom of that decision. I should've attempted to break up with her first, and then cemented it with a fling. And it's not like I was all about breaking up, and uninterested in the fling. But things worked out so that I could take the easy, quick way out. I have been agonizing about that choice ever since. Plus, I've been missing my girlfriend fiercely.

My last three relationships (Gaelen, Mary and Joey) have convinced me of a few things. Most pertinent and important, I've become convinced that I'm in a lousy place to be a boyfriend. My life is chaotic and centered around myself - my kids, my work, my Kazum, my stunting, and my funseeking. Although my ladyfriends have been very willing to date me despite my "can't be a very dedicated boyfriend" clause... that willingness fades with time, and that doesn't repair itself with reminders of "but we decided we were gonna be fairly non-dedicated". Joey is in a similar situation (jobless, distant) but we still seemed to adapt into a pretty darn dedicated relationship... along with the accompanying obligations and pressures that seem so tied-up into relationship problems.

The next important thing I've realized is that I'm dating among a pool of people I will simply never be in a good place to date seriously. I'm dating people who drink & smoke & do all the things I do - all of the things that I certainly don't want to do forever. I'm dating among a pool of people who are not only "not Christian" but pretty firmly set in the "anti-Christian" camp. I repress my religious beliefs as a matter of course simply 'cause the bulk of my peer group are anti-Christian... but repressing it from my girlfriend is more difficult. None of my girlfriends have had any interest in learning more about the beliefs that I hold, and that my kids are living. It makes sense; I don't live my religion and other than expressing that I believe in it wholeheartedly, I repress it. That repression is just another facet of my lifestyle that makes me think I'm just not in a good place to be a boyfriend. I'm pretending to be without beliefs... but deep down, I'm not really without beliefs, and those beliefs are still core values even though I don't live them. I'll never marry someone who's got no interest in my religion, so it's not really fair to date someone who doesn't have any such interest.

And finally - just because I want a monogamous relationship doesn't mean that I'm capable of doing a good job in one. Up until last week I've done a great job of being faithful and safe, but it's constant work and there's always a risk of being hit on by some cutey. Once a relationship moves past the honeymoon phase, and into the "real work needs to be done" phase, the temptation to exit via a backdoor rises. I can't put anyone else through what I put Joey through. She's a wonderful lady who certainly didn't deserve the breakup I delivered to her. I'm sure I'll meet another wonderful lady who is just as undeserving of a betrayal, but I'm not at all confident I won't betray.

Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

I've never believed in it. I don't think I do, still. But at the same time, I think it's the most appropriate way for me to not be single. I could just be single, of course... but without a girlfriend as a motivation, I'm not very bloody likely to resist hooking up with interested girls. That'd be great if I just wanted random partners, but all my life I've strongly tended toward emotionally-invested, serious relationships. I much prefer them. Lots of action with lots of people isn't how I want to live.

So I think I'll explore polyamory and see if I can make that work for me, while using it to safeguard the girls I date. I don't want to hurt anyone else the way I hurt Joey - though honestly I don't know how hurt she is. Offended and upset, but I've been surprised by how quickly and thoroughly she left "us" behind. I've never been so cleanly dumped before. That's a good thing; it's more clean and quick than I could've ever guessed. That weighs in toward "it was probably more effective and thorough than trying to 'manually' break up".

I need to keep my lifestyle more isolated from my kids. I think it's probably a good idea not to bring them into contact with people I date. When Joey and I were having some trouble a few weeks ago, the boys missed a serious conflict by about 3 minutes 'cause they were late being dropped off. If they'd been there during the conflict, the relationship with Joey would have ended very badly right then. I've got way too much baggage around being yelled at & having things thrown and broken, while my kids are present. They and I lived through a few hellish years of that with Heather and I'll go to pretty extreme measures to ensure that they don't have to deal with that again. That conflict, more than anything else, convinced me that Joey and I wouldn't be able to progress in our relationship.

So, while I'm dating girls who drink and don't believe in Christ, I really oughtta not put them around my kids. *sigh* Lame. There are a host of reasons, including setting examples as well as keeping my own personal behaviors in line with the beliefs I profess to my boys. If I'm around a girl I'm dating I'm more likely to expose the boys to behaviors that I can keep much more under control when it's just me. Swearing, drinking, smoking, etc. As well as volume of time - girlfriends demand time and on boy-weekends that time is *theirs*.

That's okay. I can be a much more dedicated dad on boy-weekends, and keep my funseeking lifestyle separate. That's better for everyone concerned, I think.