Polyamory
About a week ago I was wrestling with whether or not, and how, to break up with my girlfriend. A few days into that I decided to do it via cheating on her via a casual fling with a girl I'd just met. I'm still undecided on the wisdom of that decision. I should've attempted to break up with her first, and then cemented it with a fling. And it's not like I was all about breaking up, and uninterested in the fling. But things worked out so that I could take the easy, quick way out. I have been agonizing about that choice ever since. Plus, I've been missing my girlfriend fiercely.
My last three relationships (Gaelen, Mary and Joey) have convinced me of a few things. Most pertinent and important, I've become convinced that I'm in a lousy place to be a boyfriend. My life is chaotic and centered around myself - my kids, my work, my Kazum, my stunting, and my funseeking. Although my ladyfriends have been very willing to date me despite my "can't be a very dedicated boyfriend" clause... that willingness fades with time, and that doesn't repair itself with reminders of "but we decided we were gonna be fairly non-dedicated". Joey is in a similar situation (jobless, distant) but we still seemed to adapt into a pretty darn dedicated relationship... along with the accompanying obligations and pressures that seem so tied-up into relationship problems.
The next important thing I've realized is that I'm dating among a pool of people I will simply never be in a good place to date seriously. I'm dating people who drink & smoke & do all the things I do - all of the things that I certainly don't want to do forever. I'm dating among a pool of people who are not only "not Christian" but pretty firmly set in the "anti-Christian" camp. I repress my religious beliefs as a matter of course simply 'cause the bulk of my peer group are anti-Christian... but repressing it from my girlfriend is more difficult. None of my girlfriends have had any interest in learning more about the beliefs that I hold, and that my kids are living. It makes sense; I don't live my religion and other than expressing that I believe in it wholeheartedly, I repress it. That repression is just another facet of my lifestyle that makes me think I'm just not in a good place to be a boyfriend. I'm pretending to be without beliefs... but deep down, I'm not really without beliefs, and those beliefs are still core values even though I don't live them. I'll never marry someone who's got no interest in my religion, so it's not really fair to date someone who doesn't have any such interest.
And finally - just because I want a monogamous relationship doesn't mean that I'm capable of doing a good job in one. Up until last week I've done a great job of being faithful and safe, but it's constant work and there's always a risk of being hit on by some cutey. Once a relationship moves past the honeymoon phase, and into the "real work needs to be done" phase, the temptation to exit via a backdoor rises. I can't put anyone else through what I put Joey through. She's a wonderful lady who certainly didn't deserve the breakup I delivered to her. I'm sure I'll meet another wonderful lady who is just as undeserving of a betrayal, but I'm not at all confident I won't betray.
Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
I've never believed in it. I don't think I do, still. But at the same time, I think it's the most appropriate way for me to not be single. I could just be single, of course... but without a girlfriend as a motivation, I'm not very bloody likely to resist hooking up with interested girls. That'd be great if I just wanted random partners, but all my life I've strongly tended toward emotionally-invested, serious relationships. I much prefer them. Lots of action with lots of people isn't how I want to live.
So I think I'll explore polyamory and see if I can make that work for me, while using it to safeguard the girls I date. I don't want to hurt anyone else the way I hurt Joey - though honestly I don't know how hurt she is. Offended and upset, but I've been surprised by how quickly and thoroughly she left "us" behind. I've never been so cleanly dumped before. That's a good thing; it's more clean and quick than I could've ever guessed. That weighs in toward "it was probably more effective and thorough than trying to 'manually' break up".
I need to keep my lifestyle more isolated from my kids. I think it's probably a good idea not to bring them into contact with people I date. When Joey and I were having some trouble a few weeks ago, the boys missed a serious conflict by about 3 minutes 'cause they were late being dropped off. If they'd been there during the conflict, the relationship with Joey would have ended very badly right then. I've got way too much baggage around being yelled at & having things thrown and broken, while my kids are present. They and I lived through a few hellish years of that with Heather and I'll go to pretty extreme measures to ensure that they don't have to deal with that again. That conflict, more than anything else, convinced me that Joey and I wouldn't be able to progress in our relationship.
So, while I'm dating girls who drink and don't believe in Christ, I really oughtta not put them around my kids. *sigh* Lame. There are a host of reasons, including setting examples as well as keeping my own personal behaviors in line with the beliefs I profess to my boys. If I'm around a girl I'm dating I'm more likely to expose the boys to behaviors that I can keep much more under control when it's just me. Swearing, drinking, smoking, etc. As well as volume of time - girlfriends demand time and on boy-weekends that time is *theirs*.
That's okay. I can be a much more dedicated dad on boy-weekends, and keep my funseeking lifestyle separate. That's better for everyone concerned, I think.
My last three relationships (Gaelen, Mary and Joey) have convinced me of a few things. Most pertinent and important, I've become convinced that I'm in a lousy place to be a boyfriend. My life is chaotic and centered around myself - my kids, my work, my Kazum, my stunting, and my funseeking. Although my ladyfriends have been very willing to date me despite my "can't be a very dedicated boyfriend" clause... that willingness fades with time, and that doesn't repair itself with reminders of "but we decided we were gonna be fairly non-dedicated". Joey is in a similar situation (jobless, distant) but we still seemed to adapt into a pretty darn dedicated relationship... along with the accompanying obligations and pressures that seem so tied-up into relationship problems.
The next important thing I've realized is that I'm dating among a pool of people I will simply never be in a good place to date seriously. I'm dating people who drink & smoke & do all the things I do - all of the things that I certainly don't want to do forever. I'm dating among a pool of people who are not only "not Christian" but pretty firmly set in the "anti-Christian" camp. I repress my religious beliefs as a matter of course simply 'cause the bulk of my peer group are anti-Christian... but repressing it from my girlfriend is more difficult. None of my girlfriends have had any interest in learning more about the beliefs that I hold, and that my kids are living. It makes sense; I don't live my religion and other than expressing that I believe in it wholeheartedly, I repress it. That repression is just another facet of my lifestyle that makes me think I'm just not in a good place to be a boyfriend. I'm pretending to be without beliefs... but deep down, I'm not really without beliefs, and those beliefs are still core values even though I don't live them. I'll never marry someone who's got no interest in my religion, so it's not really fair to date someone who doesn't have any such interest.
And finally - just because I want a monogamous relationship doesn't mean that I'm capable of doing a good job in one. Up until last week I've done a great job of being faithful and safe, but it's constant work and there's always a risk of being hit on by some cutey. Once a relationship moves past the honeymoon phase, and into the "real work needs to be done" phase, the temptation to exit via a backdoor rises. I can't put anyone else through what I put Joey through. She's a wonderful lady who certainly didn't deserve the breakup I delivered to her. I'm sure I'll meet another wonderful lady who is just as undeserving of a betrayal, but I'm not at all confident I won't betray.
Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
I've never believed in it. I don't think I do, still. But at the same time, I think it's the most appropriate way for me to not be single. I could just be single, of course... but without a girlfriend as a motivation, I'm not very bloody likely to resist hooking up with interested girls. That'd be great if I just wanted random partners, but all my life I've strongly tended toward emotionally-invested, serious relationships. I much prefer them. Lots of action with lots of people isn't how I want to live.
So I think I'll explore polyamory and see if I can make that work for me, while using it to safeguard the girls I date. I don't want to hurt anyone else the way I hurt Joey - though honestly I don't know how hurt she is. Offended and upset, but I've been surprised by how quickly and thoroughly she left "us" behind. I've never been so cleanly dumped before. That's a good thing; it's more clean and quick than I could've ever guessed. That weighs in toward "it was probably more effective and thorough than trying to 'manually' break up".
I need to keep my lifestyle more isolated from my kids. I think it's probably a good idea not to bring them into contact with people I date. When Joey and I were having some trouble a few weeks ago, the boys missed a serious conflict by about 3 minutes 'cause they were late being dropped off. If they'd been there during the conflict, the relationship with Joey would have ended very badly right then. I've got way too much baggage around being yelled at & having things thrown and broken, while my kids are present. They and I lived through a few hellish years of that with Heather and I'll go to pretty extreme measures to ensure that they don't have to deal with that again. That conflict, more than anything else, convinced me that Joey and I wouldn't be able to progress in our relationship.
So, while I'm dating girls who drink and don't believe in Christ, I really oughtta not put them around my kids. *sigh* Lame. There are a host of reasons, including setting examples as well as keeping my own personal behaviors in line with the beliefs I profess to my boys. If I'm around a girl I'm dating I'm more likely to expose the boys to behaviors that I can keep much more under control when it's just me. Swearing, drinking, smoking, etc. As well as volume of time - girlfriends demand time and on boy-weekends that time is *theirs*.
That's okay. I can be a much more dedicated dad on boy-weekends, and keep my funseeking lifestyle separate. That's better for everyone concerned, I think.
posted by Scott | 8:50 AM
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4 comments
