Valus and Opinions

I just had an epiphany. :)

It's not a pleasant thing to realize. :(

My values have become opinions.

Values are things I strive to live by. Opinions are things that I espouse. I do still have values, of course... I don't kill or steal or lie (much) or cheat or hurt others... I keep the basic Big Ten. But the higher (aka "harder") values aren't something I give more than a passing glance to. I kinda wave at 'em as they pass by, like Cpt. Jack Sparrow.

Anyway, not a pleasant thing to realize. But still valuable.

So how long am I gonna let my values slowly degrade into opinions? Alcohol, morality, partying, hedonism in lots of different benign faces... I keep giving up ground, and the ground is pretty much my soul.

*sigh*

I'll come back to this when my head is more clear, I think.

Burning Man 2010 - Thursday / Friday

I simply don't remember any differentiation between these days, sorry. :( It's been too long and they've all blurred together. Chronology is lost to the banks of my memories. I'll just list various events and experiences without worrying too much about precisely *when* they took place.

I was Spiderman one night, but I lost my Spiderman hood at the end of the night. :( Lame. While Spiderman was very fun, it was totally eclipsed by Flaming Shadowman. Blake and I work the blacksuits from the SCI show at Horning's Hideout, and we had more fun than any two black-clad people are entitled to have. We climbed and climbed and climbed and hung and hung and hung. I explored my body's potentials and limitations like I never have before. I never would have believed that I could do the things I was doing. I got comfortable with double-knee hangs, and then single-knee hangs. I thrashed around in a single-knee hang. Blake lifted people from double- and single-knee hangs, and swung them. I explored a wide range of ways to hold onto all kinds of different anchor points with 1 or 2 hands and/or 1 or 2 legs/feet. I did Bridges on very tall, not-so-sturdy objects. From a Bridge or hang I gazed in stupified wonder out over a rave full of brightly-clad super-people.

Gummy Bears. Creature coined the phrase and it immediately made sense to me. He and I (after my return from BRC) took a moment to clarify just what quantifies a Gummy Bear.

I'm not sure they *need* to be female, but they overwhelmingly are females. Nearly all of them are small. They wear brightly-colored things, and they favor fluffy stuff. They're made up to look hotter than humans can possibly look, and dressed & costumed accordingly. They look like candy, clothed in wonderfully colored wrappers. But (for me at least) the primary determinant is how they dance.

Gummy Bears dance like sex-candy. They move in a way that's calculated to make watchers want them fiercely. They're not overtly sexual (at least not often) but the hint of sex is there. Mostly, though, they just dance (and look) like candy. Dawn is occasionally my Dark Gummy Bear (she doesn't favor neon colors). Feather was a Gummy Bear now & then. The rave stages were sprinkled liberally with Gummy Bears. The spotlight dancers (behind the screens at Tower of Babel, especially) are almost always Gummy Bears. Most Gummy Bears are strippers, though not all of them are.

Burning Man 2010 taught me not to obsess about Gummy Bears, yay! :) I watched them (they were everywhere and it was hard *not* to) and I slowly came to realize that I don't want one. I don't want human candy. I don't want strippers, or superhot European girls with perfect face and body. I got to see Gummy Bears in many different situations, and girls who are caught up enough in themselves to become candy aren't for me. It's a very good feeling - like I'm a trout that's finally learned to avoid flashing lures.

I also really appreciate the perks of being a stunting addict. I'm so often surrounded by superhot girls with absolutely delicious bodies... it's tough to find a guy who gets more hands-on experience with lithe bodies. And it lets me turn off the lust... I can be very physical with girls who are delicious in every way, and unless she's grinding on me or something I can avoid arousal entirely.

Plus, I spent over half my nights in Dawn's tent, so my lust was physically impeded, as well. If I'd spent too many days in a row being celibate I'd have been torn apart by lust. Instead I was generally pretty spent. Yay! So much more enjoyable to be in control of my thoughts and my eyes, instead of being yanked around by them like I would've been if Dawn wasn't there.

Plus, Dawn is superhot. She's always breathtaking, but when she purties up she becomes ridiculously gorgeous. I typically end up going home with the most desirable girl at the event - it amazes me. I've found a superhot girl that isn't into herself. Joey was, too - she's a bit more into being catered to because of her looks than Dawn is, but she's far from egotistical or stuck up. I've actually had quite a string of superhot girls who aren't stuck on themselves. Gaelen, Mary, Amanda (though she's got more image-consciousness than she admits).

Even better than Dawn's looks & body, though, is the stuff that matters - her heart and spirit and mind. We connect easily and completely, and we can share things with remarkably little concern. Through delightful coincidence we've matured into 2 beings who fit together like we were milled to do so.

Back to Burning Man. :)

Dutch and Sara and I did a show. We did 2, actually. First there were some fire-spinners / acrobats, and they didn't mind if we jumped up and stunted on their stage. We got a few ideas and jumped up - me & Dutch & Sara. I'd forgotten that she's not a performer. She stood around a lot, and talked a lot with us about what to do and not do - breaking character a bunch. I grew up around a stage and I forget that those who didn't have a hard time remembering that you perform at *all times*. But overall that show was pretty cool.

The 2nd time we were recruited by a really talented flier whose name I can't recall. She knew Zac, though, from Boston, and she flew really well. She was very confident about flying either mid- or high-flier for a 3-high. Even though I'm a more experienced (aka solid) base than Dutch, I'd rather spot a really risky stunt than base it, so I put Dutch on bottom and Shanni on top.

Shanni! :) More about her later.

That 3-high was the scariest stunt I've ever spotted. First the mid-base girl ran through a spin-up mount, where Shanni stood on my shoulders facing the mid-base girl, and then jumped (with a pop from me) and spun up onto the mid-base's shoulders. Well, it didn't work out that way. Shanni made it 3/4 up, then climbed laboriously the rest of the way. The mid-base girl had to *squat* to stay up, and poor Dutch found himself holding the most wobbly and unstable 3-high I've ever dared to imagine. He was hunched forward, trying desperately to cling to the last vestiges of stability. He called "Down!" a few times, but they couldn't hear him and honestly, it was safer to go up than down at that point. Shanni was *really* high. They finally got it despite Dutch's protests, and bless Dutch's heart, he held it. It demonstrated just how wimpy our fliers are - not one of my students (other than Alysia, who's now gone) would have held that trick. But the two girls flying it held it and tightened it. I want-want-want that in my fliers!

Anyway, the mid-base girl whose name I forget invited us to do ambient stunting for their Battle of the Bands at Center Camp. We were thrilled to comply, and me & Dutch & Sara planned out our tricks.

This was soon after Sara blew me off to stop Nick's art-car and ask for Dawn, though, plus Sara had been complaining all day about not getting whatever she wanted, quickly enough. The Zoobombers have a saying, "Do it better!" Sara uses this saying anytime she doesn't get what she wants, to mean, "Anticipate and do what Sara wants!" It bugs me mightily. Anyway, I told Dutch that my cope-with-Sara ability was all used up, so that he could help me detach rather than conflict with her. But she got in my face about something and I snapped at her about interfering in my personal life with Dawn, and she sulked, and it was a bad scene prior to the first performance. But to our credit we did well, and kicked out some sweet stuntery for Round 1. :) Yay!

Right away in Round 2, though, a bad thing happened. Sara & Dutch threw a Star, but it went bad and Sara dropped straight out of it, tweaking her neck pretty badly. :( I was mortified - I'd just spatted with her and now she was injured. I felt horrible. Then I was pissy at Dutch for having to stick with his girlfriend instead of coming back to the show and finishing it out. We ended up not doing anything else for lack of Dutch in the 2nd Round. :( Sara was hurting badly for at least an hour and I was emotionally exhausted in addition to physically spent.

Shanni. We met her in Center Camp while stunting and she asked if we'd base her in a low Hand-to-Hand. She flew okay - she'd obviously done it but she wasn't spot-on. I showed her a bunch of new stuff, too, of course - Angel, Arabesque, etc. She'd done many of them. She asked if we could do an Angel Full-down, and seemed suspicious when I readily assented. She explained it a few times, and we practiced the pop a few times, and then we were ready. I was confident; I've thrown them even though it's been 20+ years. Plus, I do Angelbesques with tons of fliers, and it's the same pop. We threw it, and it went perfectly. As I cradled her, her eyes and mouth shot open in the most adorable "O"s of surprise, and she gushed with excitement about how clean and smooth it felt. I think that's when she fell in love with me & Dutch. :) And we happily reciprocated, of course. She's super-tight, eager, brave, and she doesn't make the same mistake twice. She also lands like a cat - but not unless the base and spotters fail to catch her. If they do, she stays stiff and tight like a flier should. I haven't stunted with a partner as tight & skilled as Shanni for many years. I want her for my own!

She was super-excited to work with experienced, safe bases. She trained herself, which is amazing 'cause she's really good. She does Aerial. She's got a gig in B.C. for a month or two, and then she's looking for a new home base, hopefully on the west coast. Dutch and I tried our very hardest to sell her on Portland. If she moves out here she's a shoe-in for a Kazum flier, and she can probably increase our fliers' skills dramatically. Yay!

After the Battle of the Bands at Center Camp we all set out for another night of fun. I don't recall the specifics of what happened when... it's been too long. :( I spent a lot of wonderful time with Dawn, though, over the course of Thursday through Saturday. We mostly avoided Nick, but a few times we were together around Triceratops while he was there.

I got to hang out with Feather a bunch, too. She was my glom-buddy for one of the nights - a date that I didn't kiss on or be flirty/romantic with. Just a person to be close to. It was wonderful. I'm sure glad I got to spend time with that kid. :)

Burning Man 2010 - Wednesday

On Wednesday morning Feather stopped by almost immediately - yay! I'd just showered (yay again!) and I was ready to wander a bit. Feather was with Michael, a really nice guy she'd met on arrival at BRC. He had mingled romantic/protective feelings for her, but he immediately realized that I wasn't gonna interfere with either, and he accepted me pretty well. I was overjoyed to see her - I had been concerned for her simply 'cause she was a daughter-figure for me. I felt way happier at BRC with someone to be responsible for (even though I wasn't *really* responsible for her). I'm terminally parental.

We wandered to Dawn's camp and saw her for a bit, then moseyed elsewhere - I don't recall where, specifically. Eventually we swung back through Suckie Fuckaye and I talked with Doc and Dawn for a time.

While talking to Doc in the morning, I had an epiphany. I mean, it's something I've known for years, but never before had it been so crystal clear how pervasive it was. Religion replaces meditation with prayer.

Doc was talking about meditation, which Dawn has also talked about, plus numerous others in my past. But I've never utilized meditation. People assume that's 'cause it's hard to learn how to meditate, but the truth is that I fear meditation. Emptying my mind sounds suicidal - no thoughts equals death, or so I'm convinced in my subconscious somewhere. The concept of trying to not think horrifies me. Doc was addressing this fear and he talked about some of the effects, benefits, etc. of meditation. I suddenly realized that what he was describing wasn't scary at all - it was simply communion with truth. 'Cept without a spiritual component, which is a shame but it's still pretty darn cool. Anyway, the times I've experienced what he describes as "meditation" are the times I've spent in earnest communication with God. So, obviously for me the religious person this means that meditation is mimicking prayer. And for the nonreligious person this means that I'm pretending there's a 2nd party present in my meditation, and that He takes part in it and communicates with me.

Anyway, it sure helps some things click into place in the question that so frequently gnaws at me, "How can spiritual, intelligent people avoid listening to the still small voice of truth?" So I wrote it down and wanted to be sure to record it somewhere.

Dawn arrived and joined our talk. Doc talked about some pretty deep stuff from his past, which was wonderful. I love windows deep into people. I shared some similar things, as well, which poor Dutch walked into unsuspectingly.

I also realized on Wednesday morning during the talk that I wasn't actually interested in hooking up with other women. I actually realized it on Tuesday night, but it crystalized on Wednesday morning as I talked with Doc and Dawn. I used to firmly believe that love and polyamory were mutually exclusive, but then Alex Dial entered my life and challenged my beliefs. I've wrestled with it since then, a lot, and after breaking up with Joey I decided to explore it for myself. Well, I didn't actually make much progress there (super-shy is a huge handicap for the poly-intentioned) but I did ponder it muchly and stay mentally and emotionally positioned to explore it. But then I finally, against strenuous protests, fell in love with Dawn, a week or so before the burn. And at the burn I realized that I wouldn't be betraying *Dawn* if I were to hook up. I'd be betraying my own heart. If a human is truly in love with another person, they lose the desire to copulate with other humans. It's awesome, wonderful and right, and it holds our society and our souls together. I've never heard anyone tell me differently who I honestly believed knew what real love was about. There are tons of people who feel strong emotions for others, get a huge payoff from others, etc. But not many of us experience real love, and those who do, don't have the desire to step outside of it for sexual gratification elsewhere.

It's a big relief. :) I may certainly still make mistakes - temptation eclipses love, for sure. I do hope that love will win out, though, when temptations arise. I'm much happier being in love than I've ever seen, heard of, or experienced from being self-gratified by a new romance. Aligning the soul, emotions and mind is way better than just aligning the emotions and the body, then trying to convince the mind to jump on board.

After the big talk with Doc & Dawn & Dutch, I said goodbye to Dawn. I was still pretty choked up with emotion from Tuesday night, 98% of which was my own baggage with little to do with Dawn. One of my baggage items is sensitivity to public displays of conflict. I super-hate fighting or even arguing in public. My parents kept their arguments very private, and they only ever fought one time in public (my dad only). I lost a tragic level of respect for him for doing that to her in public, and I gained enormous respect for her for walking away from it instead of engaging.

Anyway, I cannot stand public displays where my heart and emotions are exposed. That ain't for everyone to watch and gossip about. While Dawn was trying to say goodbye she was concerned about me, and kept trying to process or comfort, and as I got increasingly distant and isolated her concern increased... cycling back in and making things continue to worsen. I tried to interrupt and leave, but she wouldn't go nor let me leave. I tried to explain that I don't like to do things like this publicly, but she didn't understand and instead of getting the gist of it she kept trying to (publicly) clarify what I was talking about. I finally choked out, "Can I please go?" and she thought I had asked her to leave. I repeated myself a few times, ending with, "I have to go." She stumbled off crying, and I felt like the meanest and most broken person in the whole world.

I was so isolated and withdrawn by then that it was super-easy to simply put that in the "ouch" folder, and head off to stunt. One of the rare benefits of childhood abuse and addiction is an ability to immediately compartmentalize enormous trauma, and leave it there until it either bursts out or there's an appropriate time to be subjected to it.

So, I felt great by the time I got to Center Camp where we burst gloriously into the stunting scene.

I gotta admit some pride. I like lurking and stretching and warming while the acro folk do their thing. Their thing is pretty amazing - many of them are super-specialized and highly-skilled. Ground acro ain't easy at all. But when we start doing double-stunting, jaws drop like crazy. Not many people do double-stunting and almost *nobody* does adagio. Miranda showed up and that opened up the really cool tricks - Libs and Cupies and Extended Fulldowns. At one point we had Dutch and Doc, too, letting us do some adagio, Basket Tosses and other 3-person stuff. People were snapping pictures like mad, though I've not seen a single one other than a few of Dawn's.

I think it was Wednesday (or Tuesday) that we met Shanni. She's an aerialist who's done some stunting, and she quickly outstripped her base's capabilities. She was astounded at Dutch and I, and we did amazing things, from hand-to-hand to various double-stunts like Angel Fulldowns. Our first Angel Fulldown was nearly flawless, and as she cradled I watched her eyes bug out with overjoyed amazement. It's the same pop as an Angelbesque, which I do all the time with various fliers, so it's super easy to transfer to an Angel Fulldown. She was hooked immediately. She'd been thinking of moving to the west coast, and Dutch and I did our very damn best to convince her that Portland would offer her the best place for her talents. She'd be a shoe-in for Kazum's light flier position, and her personality is exquisitely appropriate for the group.

We met a bunch of stunterfolk, from bases to fliers. Jordan was great, and so was Morgan. They learned like mad. John was a heavy base with a year or two of experience and he was thrilled to get some additional training. There was also Scott, a super-experienced acro base with some pretty decent double-stunting skills as well. Plus a bevy of gorgeous flier-gals who were thrilled to get up on Dutch and I. If I were single and assertive I could glean a ridiculous amount of lovin' from my stuntery. It makes me glad I'm not either of those. :) Burning Man confirmed for me that the he-slut lifestyle just ain't for me.

In fact, I found myself almost entirely without arousal the entire time, despite being surrounded and often mounted by the most beautiful women I've ever before encountered, in the most revealing and sexy costumes imaginable. It was kinda just an overload. 'Twas sweet. I'm sure I'll find breasts sexy again sometime, but after a week of BRC, they're mostly just body parts. Beautiful and all, but not particularly alluring. I'm super-grateful that Dawn was there - occasional nights spent with her really allowed me to spend by burn being relaxed and in control, rather than being consumed by lust.

I came to Burning Man for the stunting, and I ate my fill. By the time I staggered out a few hours later (long after Doc & Dutch & everyone else had limped wimpily home) I was spent. I dropped my dust-colored bag and canteen and goggles and bandana, peeled my sweatmuddied sandals from my numb feet, and collapsed in my tent. No air mattress (I never bothered to blow it up) but I still went into a motionless state of relaxation approaching sleep. My mind was zipping along a million miles a minute, though. I worked through lots of the intellectual stuff from the night before, plus some stored-up stuff from pre-burn. I was too exhausted (emotionally and physically) to cry much, but I leaked a bit and that was very healing.

I spent an hour or two almost motionless. I could *feel* my body repairing itself, and I could also feel that my mind was missing out on the recharge.

Then it was night-time! I donned a suit - Blacksuit. I put on my OCF flame-mask, too. Blake took the 2nd Blacksuit. I was hoping to convince him to climb stuff with me, 'cause he's a human muscle. I did, too... wow, did that boy rock it out in the blacksuit.

We went out in a group. Emily, Dutch, Sara, Blake, Leah, Jay, me, and a few others. Jay is one of our stunting students - a cute little thing who's super-sweet. She has a man (Matt) who was stunting with us as well. I accidentally glommed onto her once and she assured me, "You can touch me!" So she became my stuffed animal, more or less... something warm and fun to touch. I pawed at her all night, and she responded in kind, but there wasn't arousal in it. It was wonderful, and the ambiance of the night was certainly impacted heavily by Jay. Thank you Jay!

Wednesday night saw my very favorite moment at Burning Man 2010. I walked up on Nexus' Tower of Babel rave stage and saw Dutch leaning out over the crowd from atop the left tripod. He was in dayglow spandex, a baseball cap, and his American Flag jacket. He was rocking out and leading the crowd's frenzied pulse. They were roaring as he spearheaded the beat, and he looked so in his element that it brought tears to my eyes. He was doing what he does in the best possible place to do it.

I had to join him. I bounced quickly up - acrobatics and stuntery has created spidermanlike climbing skills in me, to my delight. I'd just visited Dawn for a few moments and I was feeling great - supercharged and intoxicated. I slipped into my customary "Uh, what is a dork like me doing here?" line of thought, and suddenly my mental chain caught in the gears. I realized I was invisible - nobody could see my face. I was just a blackshape with flame eyes. I'm in good-to-excellent shape, due to biking & acrobatics, so I imagine I looked good. With the onus of my appearance removed, I discovered that if I let the music shake me, it would. So I did.

I doubt I looked cool or talented, but I hope desperately that I looked primal enough that it wasn't an amusing thing to watch "that guy" try to dance. I've seen that happen before and it anguishes me. But it didn't *feel* like that's what was going on.

Anyway, I spent the night experiencing, for the first time ever, what it's like to channel music through my body. It was a certain type of music - dub-step, I think it's called? The beat is supersteady and powerful, and now & then it fades and builds back up to a short pause followed by superthumping beat again. I rode the waves for hours, often looking over to see Blacksuit Blake doing the same thing on his tripod. I dangled from various limbs at various angles in different positions, just experimenting with what this new body I've built is capable of. I can (to my delight) hang from one kneepit, as well as from one hand. I can dance that way, in fact. I can hang upside-down and dance, though I'm not sure how much it's dancing and how much it's swaying & convulsing. Sure wish I could find one single picture or video of all the hang-dancing I did. *sigh* Blake sure looked cool doing it, but he already knew how to dance and he doesn't do it like I do. I wanna seeeeeeee!

Finally everyone began wandering home. I watched the sun come up with Blake from the top of the Suck 'n Fuck Saloon, then debated going to Dawn's camp. But I didn't wanna wake her, plus I was in a pretty negative space 'cause of the previous few hours (which weren't her fault at all). It turns out that she was missing me terribly right then and wanting to come see me, but was afraid she might find me with someone else. Poor Dawn - how sad and painful that must've been. :( Anyway, I crashed in my tent for a few hours of desperately trying to sleep, before becoming convinced that I was gonna miss my 1:00 stunting appointment at Center Camp. So I got up and got ready and found out it was only 10:30.

But that's the next day's story.

Burning Man 2010 - Tuesday

On Tuesday there was no dust. The rain had left the air moist, and it was partly cloudy and wonderfully un-hot.

Speaking of hot, the hottest girl in our camp (IMO) was Shauna - here's a random pic of her. Hm, I can't upload it so I'll just link - Shauna
Anyway, I walked out of my tent on Tuesday morning and saw her just standing up from leaving her tent. She was wearing a bikini bottom. She saw me and smiled and waved - it was one of the most breathtaking things I saw during the entire burn. Superhot eye-candy gorgeous mostly naked girl. I was supercharged with energy all day long from that.

We did a bit of stunting in camp, then we did some more stunting at the dance stage just up 4:30 from our camp. It was there that I stunted with an older lady (maybe 60 or so) who came up and asked if I could lift her. She was super-nervous and shaky, and she cautioned me repeatedly to be careful because her legs and ankles and feet were gnarled and twisted from past accidents. I put her through a succession of stunts, ending with a circus mount to shoulder-stand. She was ready to bawl, she was so appreciative. I was ready to bawl, too. I'm so grateful to so often be able to give people the gift of flight.

Next we circled over to Center Camp, where the stunting really took off. We met a bunch of stunters, including a guy I've been hearing about for years now - Lux. He flew some hand-to-hands, and showed us a cool twist-mount. He had Dutch hold him in a low H2H while trying to lie down - pretty sweet.

I also stunted with a blind man. His friend stunted with me first, then led him over to me. I guided him through a flag - at one point he looked a little concerned and informed me, "Um... I can't see." I had to chuckle - it was pretty obvious he was blind, and he must've been super nervous, but he did great. Watching his face as he held a blind Flag was amazing. He was really moved, and again it triggered a powerful appreciation in me that I get to facilitate that kind of emotion.

Thanks, Richard.

That night I went out for my first ramble with Dutch, Sara, Blake, Leah, Jay, Emily, and a few others - we were 8 for the bulk of the evening. Leah had some fun stuff, and it was Blake's first experience with that kind of thing. I was his trip-buddy all night, and we had a wonderful time. I can only remember a few of the things we did that first night, but it was a magical and bonding experience.

We did climb the supercool ball-on-column structure between Center Camp and the Man.

It was superfun; designed to be climbed. I really wanted to mantle up the top few rings and climb the *outside* but I'm not a good enough climber, by a long shot. So we went up the normal, inner route. I climbed around the inside of the top thingy, and then climbed down the ladder headfirst, which was pretty fun. I wanted to climb the outside part upside-down but it was a little too risky.

We moseyed back to camp eventually, around dawn. I got about 2 hours of visual-laced nap and then I was up again to prepare for stuntery. I came to Burning Man for stunting and I wasn't about to sleep through it, sleepy or no.

That first night's magic was amplified by Leah - thank you Leah! Blake and Sara and Dutch were my funbuddies. I love Sara, and I love having fun with her. Jay offered herself as my glom-buddy, and I snuggled and hugged and held her all night. It was superb - I had someone to touch and hold and be close to, without any lust or arousal. Deep gratitude for Jay! And for her boyfriend, who was okay with loaning his girl to be pawed at all night.

I bumped into Dawn as we wandered, on her people's artcar. The deal with Triceratops is tricky. Dawn's ex-husband, Nick, has been very polite to me, which is surprising. I'm New Boyfriend, and they're still divorcing and being wracked by the accompanying turmoil. They often exchange fairly vicious communications, and Dawn occasionally vents to me about Nick stuff. Luckily, I'm twice divorced plus I have years of support experience from recovery groups, and I can listen to the venom without being poisoned by it. Overall, I'm super impressed by Nick - Dawn's issues with him are personal things, not results of him being a bad person. He's displayed far less antipathy toward me than I could ever have hoped for. I have a pretty darn high opinion of the guy.

I also have some pretty good empathy for him. If I was freshly splitting, I wouldn't want New Boyfriend hanging around my people and my space. He's one of the bigwigs on Triceratops, and having New Boyfriend on his art car isn't something he's likely to want. I totally get that, and I respect his space as much as I can. I don't wanna crowd his space nor his people. I see them fairly often when he's not around, and they're wonderfully accepting of me. I don't need to invade his space too much.

Unfortunately, at Burning Man that means that Dawn can either hang out with her people, or with her boyfriend. We spent a surprising amount of time together, but mostly we couldn't simply 'cause she's got her crew and she didn't really want to hang with me and my crew. Now & then she spent a few minutes with us, but the vast bulk of her time was spent with her people (and Nick). It's sad and unfortunate but it sure ain't Nick's fault. If anything I feel sad that she so often prioritizes her friends over me... but it's not at all as if I wish she'd make me a higher priority. It's like if she had kids that I couldn't be around for some reason - I wouldn't resent that at all, even though it would make me sad.

She did finally agree to transfer herself into my care, though. Mostly she was worried about leaving Triceratops, which provided an easy-to-find safe place and ride. But she ventured out with me, Dutch and Sara. I needed to re-find Blake, so I told Sara and Dutch that she was all messed up and asked them to keep an eye on her. Sara snorted at me and walked off - she's all about selfish gratification, especially when she's drunk. Dutch shrugged helplessly - he's all about catering to Sara's childish whims. By the time I got back 15 minutes later they'd totally lost Dawn. I should've known that would happen, and never left, and I was furious with myself for that.

I spent the rest of the night looking for Dawn. I circled the Raver Death Camp (aka the Nexus Pyrosphere) for a few hours, cycling back and forth between the Tower of Babel. I climbed stuff, 'cause it's way easier to be seen on a high place than to see others. But I never did find her. I assumed she'd returned to Triceratops (she had) and she was safe (she was) but I couldn't shake my worry. It was a pretty miserable few hours other than when I occasionally got distracted enough to forget about losing my girl.

I did have fun, though. Climbed on stuff, stunted some, saw lots of neat things. I eventually left with Dutch & Sara. As we crossed the playa I noticed Triceratops coming up somewhat behind us. I made the mistake of mentioning my regret that I couldn't go see if Dawn was on board. Sara set off to stop them and get on board, or at least check for Dawn. I told her not to, because I wanted to stay out of Nick's art-car, and not affect it. She told me that was stupid and walked off. I nearly grabbed her and pulled her back, but I'm not much of a person for physical restraint unless it's seriously important... and Sara's blind interference in my personal life wasn't important enough. I told Dutch I absolutely did not want Nick's art-car stopped on the playa by the drunken friends of his wife's new boyfriend. He shrugged helplessly and followed Sara. I could hear her shouting, "Is Dawn on there!?" as I booked it in the opposite direction. I was hoping to minimize the impact, plus I just didn't want to be around while something that horrified me so was taking place. I've rarely been that furious at Sara.

I followed the art car back toward Triceratops camp, and hurried ahead to be in Dawn's tent when it arrived. Instead it didn't, and I laid there for a few hours until it *did* arrive, after the sun had risen. I was in a terrible place by then. :( I was worried sick about Dawn, plus upset that she consistently chooses to heavily use with her "healthy habits friends" instead of spending time with her "unhealthy habits boyfriend". Not so much upset at her... I think it's good that she's able to choose friends over boyfriend, instead of acting out of obligation. But it's still painful and upsetting, even though I'm glad that she's choosing what she wants rather than what I want. I was also absolutely furious with Sara for infringing on Nick's art car after my vehement protests. Plus I was exhausted and I knew I needed my strength but without resolving where Dawn was I couldn't sleep.

So when Dawn came in she wanted to talk and process and snuggle but I just wanted to make sure she was okay and then go back to my tent and try to crash for a bit. I knew there was no way I could sleep in her camp with all the angst I was going through, and I really didn't want to process at her camp, a few feet from dozens of her friends. Public drama is not something I cope well with, when it's avoidable. She, however, wanted to talk and process and vocalize stuff. I asked her a few times not to, but her need was a lot greater than my requests, so I just froze up and endured as she talked and talked. Almost everything she said impacted me personally, as if she was trying to hurt me. I knew she wasn't, of course, but I simply couldn't process each new "attack" fast enough to avoid the next one. After about an hour I was ready to burst into tears, scream at her, or simply sprint away into the playa and curl up somewhere blessedly alone and without antagonization. I finally convinced her to let me leave, and it was okay that she came with me - we were out walking through BRC, talking about what we were seeing instead of trying to process. That was fine. And that's how Wednesday began. :)

One of the things that Dawn said that really hurt was, "I figured you'd abandoned me so I went back to my friends." It's good to know, but it's painful. I'm terribly overprotective of people I care about, 'specially when they're messed up. When she didn't see me she immediately figured I'd abandoned her, but instead I spent the rest of the night looking for her and agonizing about where she was. How can we be in love if she assumes I'd ditch her so easily... I don't think she knows me very well, nor that she has a very high opinion of me. And a lot of that is my fault - I sell stupid avidly as a habitual part of my interactions, and almost everybody buys it up quickly. Of course she buys what I sell her, even though I don't mean to sell it to her. So that angst was of my own making, and I'm working through it.

Okay, enough about Tuesday. :) I do want to call out that on Saturday I stopped by the Temple for half an hour or so, and had a good cry about all the sadness and other "negative" emotions I'd been stuffing until I could deal with them. It was very healing and healthy, and I didn't take any of the caustic, poisonous stuff with me away from Black Rock City.

Burning Man 2010 - Monday

First we unloaded bikes at The Dump. I was considering staying there 'cause it's centrally located, but Dawn's camp (the Triceratops art car) was much closer to 4:30 & Baghdad (Camp Suckie Fuckaye - not a sex-themed camp) and Dutch & Sara & Doc were all excited to stay there. Plus, Andi & Michael & Chris & Jermany & Blake & Ben & lots of others were there.

We drove from the Dump, around a bit to Suckie Fuckaye. I did handstands on top of the bus, which I wouldn't have guessed to be as possible as it was. I also did a few tricks with Sara, and held Doc in a couple of Arm to Arms. Then we rolled into camp and unloaded.

Doc set up a supercamp. He had 4 huge canopies that we put under the existing shade fabric, leaving us deliciously shaded. It took a long time to set up, but it was worth it - our camp was one of the most comfortable I saw at BRC.

Our camp had a bunch of fire performers. Many of them are strippers, so our camp was chock-full of high-gravity eye candy. It was pretty cool. Most of them are a little cool and distant toward me, but certainly not unfriendly in any way. Some of the camp was really welcoming and friendly. Overall I felt quite at home, and I wouldn't have camped anywhere else in retrospect. I'm very glad I was at Suckie Fuckaye.

Just as we were finishing up our camp it began to rain. It was one of the most incredible things I saw there - dozens of uber-prepared people who'd covered every base but this one, staring at the rain in dusty, stunned amazement with a "WTF!?" look. Some people got pretty damped up, but most of us had minimal impact from the rain.

It dried out pretty quickly, but the first night was still muddy and repressed, which was fine by me. I stopped by Dawn's camp briefly and saw her, and then I felt like I was finally settled and present and ready for my burn. I wandered a bit, and ended up at Dawn's camp with her. I got a pretty good night of sleep by my baby's side - it was an excellent first day and night.

Burning Man 2010 - The Journey There

How can I possibly remember all of the many things that happened over a week ago? *sigh* I'll give it a whirl.

We met on Saturday evening at Mars & Bhajan's house. We got bikes up on the bus, loaded gear inside, and spread cushions across the top to create a big bed area. There were about 12 people, half of whom I knew. We hung out until about midnight, then everyone piled in and we set out.

The only person I didn't really know was Millie - one of Bhajan's coworkers and friends. She was gorgeous and I had a crush on her the whole trip, but one of Dutch's bike pals (Graham) snatched her up quickly and snuggled her the whole trip. The one single girl. *shrug*

The first momentous event took place a few hours out of Portland. We stopped for a break at a gas station and I was the first one out. I bumped into two hippies who were seeking a ride to Burning Man. I told 'em to talk to Mars, and he came back to the bus in a little while asking if we wanted to carry them along for at least a few hours. We did, so we met Smoke (21, long blond dreads, filthy, outgoing dude) and Feather (17, punk-kid hair). They're from Canada and they've been hitching for a while. We talked and bonded with 'em for the next few hours.

I played some guitar & sang, and the whole bus sang some rousing renditions of Bohemian Rhapsody and Holy Diver. I recited some poetry, too. The hippy girl (Feather, aka Sarah) was quite taken by me - she needed a father figure badly, I think. She's Jed's age.

We stopped for some yogalike stretchery and a dip some hot springs. It was the last chance we'd have for immersion for over a week. There was a family at one of the springs, with suits on, so we moved to a back spring that was shallow and muddy, 'cause only 1 or 2 of us had suits and the rest of us were skinny-dipping. It was nice - seeing Millie crossing the river, nude, was delightful. It also releases a bunch of "weight" to see a cute girl naked. It demystifies her and makes it way easier for me to move past the attraction stuff. The cute girls I've not seen will always have a certain allure, but if I've seen a girl naked I can finally relinquish the curiosity. I got to stunt with Miranda mostly naked a bunch, later in the week, and it was really nice for the same reason. I hung out with Melissa at the Ritz at OCF a few years ago and got the same benefit there. I should just make it mandatory to throw one naked stunt early on.

After the hot springs we did the yoga-stretch stuff and then piled back on the bus, clean and happy. I massaged lots of people, especially feet. Smoke's feet *reeked* - stinky hippy feet are a whole new kind of malodorous experience. I washed 'em with baby wipes after the footrub, and he was ecstatic - he ran around with big bouncy steps, blissed out about how his feet felt. It was awesome.

Unfortunately, the rank smell was bothering folks and we had to leave Smoke and Feather behind to find another ride. As Feather hugged me goodbye she was about to cry. So was I. She gave me a white feather from her hair, which I carefully put on the bus to keep. I hoped I'd see them there, but they were hoping to score free tickets, and I didn't hold out much hope for that. $300+ is a lot to waltz into for free.

At our next stop they were there, though! They'd gotten an immediate ride. I was overjoyed to see 'em.

We rolled into Black Rock City at around 2 or 3 am on Monday morning. I was dozing in the back and I heard someone call out, "Scott, there's your hippies!" I burst out of the bus and hug-tackled 'em.

Feather already had a ticket that someone had gifted her. Smoke was circulating with another hopeful ticketless hippy. I found out later that it took the 2 of them about 6 hours to raise enough handout money to buy *two* tickets and have $60 left over to give away. I worked all summer, planned and scrimped, packed and stressed. Smoke and Feather hitchiked with virtually nothing, and got free tickets. It was a little frustrating but mostly I was thrilled for them.

Those of us on the bus crashed there until mid-morning, then we got up and really entered Burning Man.

SCI at Hornings - Sunday

On Sunday I was pretty tired. I moped about Dawn's camp for a bit until Jade of Lucent Dossier pressed a bunch of us into service for the 4th Annual Underwear Invitational. We set out in our skivvies with a disco ball (Jade's) and whiskey (Justin's) and a lightsaber (mine). Dawn came with us in sexy underwear, and Hannah came in sexy clothes that were nearly underwear. Chalan came, too, and he really brought the sexy with his slouch-walk and baggy boxers. Ron even put on some undies and accompanied us. There were more folk; we were quite a group. Loud, we were.

We descended upon folks who smiled, or wore bright costumes, or simply failed to flee quickly enough. Jade would hold the disco ball up and begin to disco-dance around the victim as we all chanted "Disco-disco, disc-o!" and bumped & ground our disco sexiness. Then we'd switch to "Uhn! Uhn! UnderWEAR!" and crescendo. People loved it. I saw it as helping to boost ambient weirdness. It took us about 2 hours to tour the entire festival, including a stop for me to go swimming. Super fun.

Lisa Hahn was at Dawn's camp and I spent an hour or so talking with her. She wants to give us some pointers on basket-tosses, and hopefully performance stuff as well. She's super-professional - Lucent Dossier is amazing and she choreographs their stuff. I hope she can come to practice tomorrow!

I joined Dawn's crew for the final Cheese show, and bumped into Dutch and Sara who were sitting literally 4 feet from them without realizing it. Awesome! The show was great, but I mostly enjoyed watching the crowd. Blissed-out people are way fun to watch.

Dawn's ex-hubby Nick is dating Creedence. Weird. It was great to see her, though Nick seemed unthrilled that I was pals with his girl.

Dutch & Sara left right after the concert. Dawn & I hung out for a while with various friends, and did a few stunts. On a boring T-Rolldown, her hip went out with a click. :( Ouch. She's been hobbling since then. Lame - she always seems to get injured just as she's trying to head home.

We gave Dawn's friend Rosie a ride back into town. I was mostly comatose - I was exhausted and out of it. I tried to help Dawn a bit when we got home but mostly I just crashed like a log.

Dawn and I did amazingly well together. We've done really well at all of the parties and festivals we've attended. It's pretty cool. Neither of us really thought we'd make it this far but things just keep working out. I hope we can continue to shine like this. We're really good together, and really good for one another.

I hope to find amazing pictures and maybe even video to post. It was a spectacular event! I love doing what I do, and I love my friends, and I love Kazum. How can this summer possibly be even more magical than last summer?...

SCI at Hornings - Saturday

On Saturday morning we met for some busking. We wandered for hours, performing tricks wherever we found groups of people. Lots of people took pictures and everyone seemed much entertained. I think we did a good job of adding ambient magic to the event.

We broke for lunch and the girls went to rest. I eventually moseyed in search of showers, and found the coolest shower ever. It's a big truck with a shower in it that holds up to 10 people. Once there are enough people ready, they turn on the foam hoses and we all squirt one another and ourselves with thick white foamy soap for 10 seconds. Then we get 5 minutes to wash and rinse, after which we can hang out in the carpeted dance room outside until we're dry and ready to head back out into the festival. It was super comfy and friendly and fun, with music pumping throughout the whole process.

The DJ was Blade, and he was awesome. There was also a dude there doing sweet breakdance-style flipping. I lifted up a couple of girls in fancy costumes, too, but didn't run into any of them again. I trained a bunch of fliers but never had any of 'em find me and re-stunt. Too bad.

Dutch and I stunted with Lisa Hahn at the hospitality camp. We did some sweet basket-tosses. She used to be a cheerleader.

We met backstage at 9:00. There was a big inflatable UFO as well as half a dozen enormous white helium-filled balloons. Lots of fire spinners, and a dozen or so half-black half-white clad folks. Clover had broken her foot earlier, so she couldn't be in the show. Uli & Miranda dressed up in white body-suits, Dutch and I put on our black body-suits, and Doc dressed down as darkly as he could. It worked; after the show Lisa Hahn asked why only 2 guys had done the show. She didn't see Doc at all. Sweet.

First came the fire. They lit a big peacock frame while the fire folks did their spinny burny excitement. Amy Hatfield was there - I saw her a bunch over the weekend. :) After the fire came hoopers, and finally the half-white/black people. Then us. I think we looked pretty tiny... Uli & Miranda circling out in either Angels or Arabesques (I forget which). We did static stunting and posing while the half-folk did their show. Then we came together to run our routine.

It was the first half of Death Blossom. We set it a bit too far forward - I wish we'd all been at Tech Rehearsal to get that dialed in, but none of the rest of Kazum feels like we need Tech Rehearsals. People I talk from outside the group, from other artists to our Production folks to audience members, tend to not agree. Gripe.

Anyway, it seemed to go well. Granted, it was an easy audience... they'd just been Cheesed and at least 3/4 of them were blitzed out of their gourds on E and acid and 'shrooms. Still, they roared most appreciatively at various points - the Double Lotus seemed to be a big favorite when the bases are invisible. The Diamondhead (aka Chinese Star) also got some loud love.

Then we scattered and did s'more stunting - Uli and I did the L-base Triangle sequence while talking and coordinating. When the balloons came out we left the stage and they opened it to the audience. The balloons, to my amazed delight, lifted an aerialist up to about 100 or 150 feet, where she did a breathtaking tissu routine. It was spectacular with her and the UFO both sharing the sky over Horning's. A really magical show.

I switched to Spiderman and helped the balloon folks take Lisa Hahn up. One of the bases stood on my shoulders to base - it was pretty interesting. Then they took Tia, our other contact. They let me hang on the balloons but I'm 20 lbs. or so too heavy. Otherwise I could've flown 150 feet above Horning's. As Spiderman. Bliss!

Spidey stunted around for hours with Dawn, who was in a beautiful peacock headdress that drew mad attention. We had a blast and got home at around dawn again.

SCI at Hornings - Friday

Uli was adamant about a 10:00 call time, even though we didn't go on until 12:45. But there was a meeting for the Saturday lightshow then, too. Ari and I were there at 9:45 - nobody else showed up until 10:30 or so. Nobody was actually *there* and ready until 11:30. It was really frustrating 'cause I get cussed out for being 10 minutes late to practice now & then, but the cussers are frequently an hour late for performances. I attended the Sat-night show practice as the sole Kazum rep, which sucked - we would've been way better positioned for the show if we'd all been there.

Anyway, by 12:45 we were all set up. We had Daniel Flynn for our MC, with Tommy Twimble & Blake Hicks & Jackie for 'Tweener acts. Blake really ripped it up - people kept blowing past Dutch & I to compliment him on his bikery. Very cool.

The show was great, though there was low turnout at 12:45. We busked through quickly and gathered a bit of attention, but it was still not many people. It filled up as we went, though, and it was an okay crowd by the end.

We did Piggies, then Tommy took over. Then it was Lions, then Jackie. Then Cards, then Blake. We ended with Death Blossom. The show went seamlessly - it was wonderful.

We wandered and busked for a few hours in Peacock costumes. It was a blast - people really enjoyed seeing us do stuff.

We also went swimming. Dutch and Blake and I competed in rope-swing leaps. I did pretty well - I've not swung on a rope since before I was an acrobat. I represented well. Doc and Alysia showed up and weighed in - Doc's a natural but I have more training. Alysia looked like an aerialist - very impressive.

The Cheese show was pretty cool. I like Keller Williams, so I like the Cheese okay. But I'm not big on 'em. Clover & Uli & Miranda tried to dance to them but couldn't... we had to bail. *shrug* We stunted a bit here and there for hours, wandering.

The girls wandered home to sleep, so Dutch and I took over the evening set. We had Biscuit, though, and I eventually found Dawn again. We wandered and stunted and had a spectacular night. I met lots of people and lifted many of them - success! Dawn and I wandered home around until dawn again.

SCI at Hornings - Thursday

I first found Horning's Hideout when I was married to Heather, and 'Topher was an infant, about 10 years ago. There was a Father & Sons' campout and I took Jed & Alex. We sang & played guitar and had a wonderful time, and I fell in love with Horning's. We go a few times each year, and we've continued doing so even after Heather & I divorced.

I remember when they built the stage. I wasn't a performer yet, but not long after I became one. I've wanted to perform on that stage since it was just framework. I still do, come to think of it, though we did get to at least perform in front of it.

When I heard about the Horning's gig I was thrilled. But we were already scheduled for Sand by the Ton in CA with Wanderlust. :( Then SbtT canceled, and we confirmed the SCI gig, yay! A day or two later SbtT reaffirmed, but by then we were committed. I'm very sad to miss SbtT, but Horning's was astounding and I can't claim any regrets that things worked out this way.

Dawn and I came up on Thursday. I was stressin' because we couldn't get there until noon, and that's when Kazum was supposed to meet for ambient stunting. It turns out that everyone but Ari was held up by traffic. I saw him leaving as we rolled up. :(

Dawn's camp was way out past a rickety footbridge. The Kazum camp was in the Production area, up atop the hill behind the Hornings' house. We were almost never there - it stored our clothes & gear, and a few folks slept there. I didn't, though - I was at Dawn's camp during the nights.

We stopped by the Woodcut Stage, or whatever it's called. It's a huge inflatable stage in black & white, with black & red spinal columns. It also had a huge spiky urchin-looking thing that brought the ceiling height from 25' down to 10' - totally inadequate for Kazum routines. We started planning the rechoreography to move the whole routine to one side. But Eric the supercool stage manager offered to get the huge spiky thing taken down. Blessings on him - it gave us a clear stage for our show the next afternoon.

We also went to a meeting with Lisa of Lucent Dossier, and got our costumes for Saturday's show. They were single-piece spandex bodysuits. White for Uli & Miranda & Clover, black for Dutch & I. A zipper in the back, and no apertures. We cut eye-holes and feet and hands.

The other Kazumites bolted back to Portland on the first night. I was frustrated about that, but it turned out to be okay. We provided all kinds of ambient stunting over the weekend - I feel good about what we delivered. Dawn really stepped up - she was my stunt partner for at least half of the ambient stunting.

So, on Day One it was Dawn and I out wandering and stunting. I was in her fuzzy black & white leapordskin coat, and the Patchwork Vest costume. She was all purtied up in costume, too. People were mostly dazzled by the stunting, though a few seemed to feel like we were showing off. That bugs me, but we were paid to stunt, so it felt way less like showing off than it usually does.

We had a wonderful evening wandering and stunting. I missed my Kazum folk, but it was a great Dawn & Scott night. We wandered back to her opulent camp and crashed around dawn. She parties with the wealthy Burner-folk who party hard across several generations. It's pretty impressive - I've only known 1st and 2nd generation partiers before, and most of 'em weren't very wealthy. Dawn's friends put on high-quality fun.

Mental Meanderings

Nothing to really document, just looking for a place to vomit up what's on my mind lately.

First of all, Holy Diver (DIO) and Play With Me (Extreme). These two songs provide the bulk of my ambition to learn to play an electric guitar. I've blistered my fingers on GH and RB, and I think that the transition to actual lead isn't gonna be too tramatic for me. Plus I've got a son who's obligated to assist. All I need is sufficient stability to justify putting $100 or so into an electric guitar and amp. Meaning, knowing where I'll live for long enough to feel like I can set up fancy guitar stuff.

My plans for stability involve converting Creature's attic into my room. Mostly it's the upper window - when I first saw the house it called to me powerfully. "Live HERE!" it said. That's way better than "Death awaits within" or "Run now", which are two of the more common haunted-house messages. Anyway, Creature's offered to let me install the Alice In Wonderland door (the White Rabbit's escape route) in the ceiling above the stairtop. Then there'd be the equivalent of a pullup bar in the opening, requiring the hopeful entrant to pike and kip up into the room itself, unless a suitably trained acrobat happens to be nearby to lift and assist. The only drawback I can see is that it'd be tough to show my room to my mom (who is short and stout) and if I ever take an injury (like the spinal vertebrae slips I'm prone to) I can't get into my room.

I got chewed out by Doc, Alysia, and Doc's good friend Ursula, for voicing my concerns about Doc & Alysia's dating. Doc (bless his heart) asked me to meet with him to discuss it. I like that - he took the bull by the horns. I totally respect that, and it was a good meeting and I think we're pretty much squared away as long as I stop sharing my opinions & concerns. That's cool; I gave back some of the crap that *I* took when I was dating a teenager last year. I also got to express to both Doc & Alysia why I (and others) are concerned. That's about as much as one can hope for in these situations, so I feel well served. Ursula was pretty hostile, but I think we resolved that via private messaging, so overall I'm delighted with how things turned out. They'd prefer I'd remained silent like the bulk of those who have concerns... but I think that actually *hearing* the concerns is good for 'em, so I'm happy.

Things with Dawn are spectacular. Except that Dutch (whose sense of dudeaic chivalry is grossly underdeveloped) is now introducing Dawn as my girlfriend. That makes me goad her to hook up at LIB (I offered her Alex, and he's a sweet gift) so that I don't feel compulsed to hook up, myself. I just don't wanna see our relationship spiral into "you're not making me happy" which is what the last few relationships I've had have spiraled into. I blame my lifestyle, though of course that's partially a coward's way out - I *could* be a good boyfriend *and* a circus acrobat. I just *don't* seem to do both, very well. Maybe it's the girl - but I think the bulk of the responsibility lies on my shoulders.

Uli was surprised recently when I beat her to the punch in explaining that my Funseeking is just a new version of my old escapes from emotional negativity. She mentioned that often I already know what the issues are 'cause I'm pretty self-aware. It was really validating to hear that - I'm used to recovery spaces where people praise that acquired skill heavily. In the Real World it's often assumed to be nonexistent. I miss places where I wasn't Selling Stupid quite so often, and I get to exercise the part of me that not many people get to see. The smart part. In the circus circuit I sell Stupid way too frequently and it's become a crutch for me. It's just so much easier this way, though.

No LIB for me. That's mostly okay. I can't afford it, and I always feel sad and disappointed when I trade off Boyweekends for Fun. Amanda is a no-go... she is the most screened lover I've ever had, I think. That's fine, but it makes me feel a little sad & used. She doesn't mind being my date when things are secret or safe, but I'm a back-burner kind of guy to her and I've got enough self-esteem/ego to not enjoy that. Mostly I just yearn to hang out with Alex. He homesteaded quite a few acres of my heart and I miss him desperately. Zac, too... those guys are my guy lifemates but both of 'em headed off for distant ports.

I miss Jem, too. I keep almost going over there but then I have other obligations that intervene. I also feel like there's some underlying hostility. It seems to have matured during the Joey breakup but I think there's more to it than that. I love Jem but I have a hard time being around folks who are upset with me. Part of it is selfless - I don't like being a negative influence, at all. But a bigger part is selfish - I dislike being around people who are upset/concerned with me. And Jem has issues (very valid issues) about my lifestyle, my hypocrisy, and my selfishness. It's not so much that I wanna dodge that... it's more that I'm aware of the issues and I feel mostly helpless to affect 'em. And trying can have catastrophic results. Funseeking works way better than any of my other band-aids. I fear mucking with it.

I sure do love my job. Within a class or two I become the favorite Coach of my students. Parents love me. And I thrive on teaching kids to learn. The gymnastics stuff is fun, for sure... but mostly what I like is building young minds. Each time I praise a kid, they glow, and I love it. Instead of moving data around for some corporation to make more money, I'm building youths into adults. I never thought I could do that safely but finally at long last I have confidence in my ability to do so. I much prefer kids and parents to a cubicle and Excel.

I kinda wish my body would hurry up and break down. I've had a helluva run in the circus acrobat gig and I'm satisfied. I don't believe that I can uphold my actual moral convictions in this lifestyle, and I sure do miss the peace and serenity and reverence that accompany a *good* lifestyle. I'm really enjoying the "don't hurt others while seeking self-gratification" kind of life. It's so odd to me that so very many people embrace it as the ultimate morality... I'm continually boggling. But it's where I've finally accepted being, and it's got everything other than true happiness, so what am I complaining for, eh?

I've met so many wonderful people and I wish I were providing an example of what I believe in. I'm a good enough guy and I suppose I should be happy that's recognized... but compared to the *real* good people I'm a shameful farce, and it amazes me how little is required to earn a "good guy" label in the society in which I'm immersed. The Robert Parks and Jerry Christiansens of the world are truly rare. I'm deeply grateful to have had so many astoundingly *good* people in my childhood. And, of course, leading that list is my mama-san. She's coming to visit soon and I'm really excited! :)

I'm gonna go look up chords for Holy Diver now (it's been alternating with Play With Me, which is a bit much to bite off as an Intro To Lead project).

Friendly Fire weekend

I had the boys this weekend, and kept them at my place (in Creature's house) for the first time. It went well. Creature and Charisse weren't really around at all. We broke out inline skates and the scooter, plus they loved mowing the back lawn with a push-mower. Alex was here, too, and he helps immensely with his little brothers. He's wonderful.

On Saturday he took 'em to Saturday Market until Open Gym. Then we moseyed off and played at the house until Parents' Night Out. I was supposed to be performing at Friendly Fire, but I'd forgotten to take PNO off. :( I finally reached the final non-committed alternate coach (Shaunice) but she has a vertebrae out of place in her back. I hooked her up with Dutch, and he helped her a lot, so that she could spell me off on PNO. Yay!

I hauled the boys down to the venue, and changed into the Spiderman costume that Dutch provided for me. It was awesome! I began climbing things, and people started snapping pictures. I looked at one and it amazed me - normally it's odd and a little neat when I hang from things, but in the Spiderman suit it was spectacular. I climbed on the Groove Bomb and hung from a yardarm up there - sweet. I really hope I can track down a few pictures from that night.

Things were chaotic (amateur fundraising gig) so Kazum didn't get to perform in the early show. I hung out so that the boys could watch fire spinning while I climbed on stuff as Spiderman. I hefted 'em up onto the Groove Bomb to watch, which they enjoyed. Other than that, they were pretty unimpressed by Spiderdad. *sigh* Ungrateful little sods. :)

I ran them home and caught a ride back (with my bike) with Alex's stepdad Michael. He took a few shots, and then I bolted inside to perform with Kazum. I did some handstands in the Spideysuit, which was way fun. Then we gathered at the (split-level) stage to wait. We saw Dave Clay do a killer homeless spongebath routine. Then we were on.

Dutch and I tried to pull down the aerial hoop but we couldn't. So I put Petra up and she took it down quickly. Then Kazum was on - but we had to sweep down the floor with our hands because of staples and other debris. It was a rocky start. Once we started, things went pretty well, though. We did the first portion of Death Blossom. We had to pull the basket-toss a lot, and Miranda and I did a stand-full-down rather than from an extension. Overall it went quite well!

Then we ran off to drink and stuff. Dawn was there, and I danced with her a few times but mostly I was doing my circulate-among-pals thing. I approached several folks with my Spiderman mask on, and made them nervous for a bit. Charisse was the most fun - she finally said, "Dude, you're almost groping me here and I don't even know who the hell you are." I leaned in and said, "I live with you." Then she laughed and hugged me. We talked for quite a bit. She's found a new place, and she's moving forward. I'm really glad - I want her to be happy again.

I stunted with several new folk, which was fun as always. Adrienne kept making me do chairs despite my fuzzy mind, but they kept turning out really good. It was a way fun party. I hung upside down from various things. I really wanna see some of the pictures of that. I also did some testing of the effects of alcohol on balance - I held some killer handstands that defied intoxication. Right on.

I ran into Nicole, though at first I didn't recognize her. She was polite, but reserved and uncomfortable. Made me sad - I wanted to get to know her but now it's all weird. *sigh*

I finally left with Dawn to go to an afterparty with her at Ron & Kathy's super sweet house on the hill. It was fun to meet all of her people, but I was shy and they don't know me at all. They were very nice but I need to spend lots more time with them before they know anything about me so that I can relax a bit.

Then Dawn and I spent the most amazing few hours I can recall ever spending with a woman. Mindblowing. Got no sleep, but that's okay. I called Alex at 6:30 to provide the little boys with access to breakfast. Then I came back home and we played together for a while.

They wanted to go to Jem's place, but I had to bathe and feed them first. I tossed 'Topher in the tub as well, and then we headed out. Creature's car had the van parked in, though, so we had to walk about 2 miles to the MAX stop. Then we missed the transfer 'cause I was reading The Great Hunt to 'em instead of paying attention. We walked back to Pioneer Square, pausing for another meal at Carl's Junior. But when I called Jem to confirm coming out to Beaverton, he was upset. I think it was mostly 'cause it took us 2 hours to walk/MAX to where we could catch a Blue Line. But it also seemed like he was upset that I would ask if Jer & Nathan could bathe or shower at his place. He said something about using him to pretend to Heather that they were in a stable environment. I'm not sure what that's about, but I didn't want to try to figure it out via phone while the boys waited, so we canceled. They were sad, and they didn't want to hang around downtown so I called Dawn and we went out to her place. We rented "Where the Wild Things Are" and had a nice supper at her place. Then Heather picked 'em up and I headed to Circus Class.

It was a great class. I came home afterward instead of finding Wild Fun - I was exhausted and for the first time in a long, long while, I was all Funned out. Mostly I just didn't have any Wild Fun offers, though. I woulda gone out if there had been something to do.

My weekends are so often full of wild excitement and people I love and stunting and limelight. It's a nice contrast with the humdrum of my weekly life. Well, my afternoon and morning life. My evening life is usually full of awesomeness. Even my job is full of awesomeness. I love teaching kids, and they dig me. So do the parents. I really love my life. I wish that I could live it while still holding true to my convictions. But it's a lot better living my life (sans convictions) than it was living a much more sedate version of my life and *trying* to hold to my convictions while failing miserably. Now I just fail in much more enjoyable ways.

I do really miss inner peace and reverence and lasting happiness. Not that I've often achieved these things - but I used to at least be anxiously engaged in seeking after them. Now I'm mostly just engaged in non-impactful hedonism.

Crazy fun weekend

On Friday Kazum had two shows.

The first was from 6 to 7 for New Avenues for Youth. It was a fundraiser or benefit or something. Lots of ritzy folk in nice clothes. There were a few kids - two brightly glowing girls of about 8 and 11 watched us with huge eyes and much clapping. They made that gig for me - it's hard to entertain to the level that these kids were obviously feeling. I pulled 'em up and stunted with 'em, and they got our autographs, and we took a group photo with 'em. If I was reading things right, we were the high point of these girls' year 2010. What an amazing experience and honor.

We ran through very nearly every stunt we do in that hour. It was awesome. Those folks got quite a bit of bang for their buck - 7 acrobats throwing an hour's worth of crazy stuntery. Yay!

Then we scampered to the Bossanova - oh how I love that venue. It was Wanderlust's Wild Woman - the first of 4 monthly installments. Jem was there - yay! :) So were several of my students. Jessica the stunt addict, Kendra and Caitlyn whom I've had a crush on for weeks, Gregory the super-in-shape climber from my adult tumbling class. Just before the show started I saw Joey walk in and sit down by Jem. It was odd - but I was happy to see her there. I kinda hoped that maybe she was less - distant-if-not-hostile. After the show I said hi and told her I was glad she'd come. She was ice-cold and monosyllabic and I backed off in confusion and just kind of avoided interacting with her the rest of the night. She was warm & friendly to everyone, but didn't look at me or acknowledge my existence again the rest of the night. It's odd to be treated that way - but understandable and certainly acceptable. Just kinda surreal and ... odd.

We did our own makeup, and Alysia really came through with some TMNT-style eyemask-looking makeup. And then we were on.

The first bungle was my shoulderstand on Dutch's feet. We barely held it and I was off on timing 'cause I was pretty sure I was about to have to shoulder-roll out of a drop.

Next, I missed a throw-to-stand with Miranda. I'm almost sure it was my fault. We *never* miss those - except twice now in shows. *sigh* We hurried it back up there and threw the full-down from half-mast. :( Still cool. But after an obvious drop.

I followed this bungle with a failed calf-pop on Dutch. A *calf-pop*. Halfway up I decided it was good enough to go to foot instead of knee, per our usual MO. It wasn't; I bailed right in an obvious fail. I hopped right back up and pulled a wobbly Chinese Star (aka Diamondhead) up. HUGE crowd reaction. They nearly blew me over. That's when I realized that this crowd was super-enthusiastic.

The last drop wasn't me, at least. Doc was having a hell of a tough night with muscle fatigue. He and Dutch couldn't manage the arm-to-arm, and thought we got a good calf-pop, he put all he had into that and we didn't have time to extend. Probably for the best; we would've had slim odds of holding it.

Other than the drops, the routine was awesome. It could've been a *superb* performance. Instead it was only good with occasional flubs. I think we all felt good overall, though.

Lions came quick; we had to slap-dash the final makeup on. Then Miranda & James were late so Noah & Uli and I had to kinda vamp for a while. Once we got going, though, it felt like Lions was energetic and wild. Two people have given high props to Miranda's leoninity. She was rockin' it out there.

It all hit, felt sharp, and felt in character. A good-to-great Lion performance, for sure.

Final bows was a Big Sexy, with Clover. We rocked it and the crowd roared. Yay!

Then it was time to circulate and mingle. A girl I dated last week was there, so she became my date for the rest of the evening. It was wonderful... she didn't mind at all that I'm social butterfly boy with a billion little sisters.

As the afterparty plans gelled it became apparent that Joey was coming to Wackolicious. Same situation - odd and awkward with the stone-cold silence, but probably only for me and I can cope, so good for Joey for staying integrated with my entire world without requiring a tie through me to do it. She seemed to have much fun, and she's awesome friendly to everyone who ain't cheated on her recently, so my bit of awkwardness can be dealt with.

Still, it was tough. I didn't want to not be on a date in order to avoid making out in front of my old girlfriend. And I didn't want to not stunt, or not bounce about, or not talk with people she's talking with. I really don't think she wants me to drop out of my own scene on her account... she isn't like that. I think we're both able to deal with the awkwardness, and everyone else can follow our lead just fine.

So, I bounced from loved one to loved one. I asked Creature at one point if he was making good decisions and he gave me a baffled, "I don't know!" It turns out he had Noah's thumbs-up, though, and it was all good.

Jess and Brandy were hilarious. They get aggro, a bit - I saw Jess punch Brandy in the chest. When I laughed, Jess looked at me and roared, "What, yeah, I punched her boob!" Cracked me up. They both ended up a little too tipsy to drive, and they bumped into Noah. When he heard their plaintive cries of, "We need someone to take us home," he gallantly shushed them - two gorgeous drunken acrobats desperately in need of a ride somewhere. I assigned Bre the job of driving them home, and gave her permission to do with them as she would.

I stunted with Brittany but only briefly. :( Anna and I stunted bunches, and I stunted with Caitlyn a lot as well. Dutch stunted with Joey, which warmed my heart. I don't want her to feel left out or upstaged or challenged or anything.

It was a wild, crazy, fun night. :)

Then we started winding things up. My date talked me into coming home with her even though it was way too late and I had to work at 8:45 in the morning. Then I discovered that she was giving Jem and Joey a ride out to Jem's in Beaverton.

It was so surreal having my injured ex-girlfriend be my virtual chaperone right up to the door of my 2nd date since our breakup. It should've felt downright stalkerish. It didn't; I trust Joey very much not to be freaky. Plus, she's still cold sober and a pretty different Joey than I knew and loved. I think its awesome.

Just *so* weird to have an estranged ex-GF in such close proximity at a very Scott event, up to the ride home with my date.

I got up early and my ladyfriend gave me a ride to the gym in plenty of time for class. At noon-thirty Creature & Noah & Uli picked me up for our afternoon gig - the Ladies' Red Hat Society pre-Cirque show. It was a smashing success: they loved All About Love, as well as Russ & Sugar Cane. Brittany got a standing ovation - very very cool.

Uli and I each took a third of the proceeds, and put the other third into the fund. Way cool to have enough money to get food and make a payment on my student loans.

We all hung out for a while, then I went on a 3rd date with the mystery girl. I'm hoping to keep her identity quiet 'cause lots of my people know her and I don't wanna be the center of a soap-opera kind of situation. I just want to go on dates with girls and not try to be caught up in a relationship. Not right now. Who knows where I'll be living next month. I can't afford Creature's rent without working for rent - even if I had a big room and running water, it's too much and I can find much cheaper for the same space. Anyway - I wouldn't wish me on any girl right now as a boyfriend.

Sunday was mostly chill and lazy. Went to the park for a picnic - very fun. Went to a healing meeting with various hippy/green/goddess ladies. It was awesome. Got some essential oils.

Then I headed into Circus Stunting class with Clover. I went over to her place afterward and hung out with her and Caitlyn. We watched the first episode of Firefly - excellent. :)

Today was mad stuntery. My adult gym class was awesome, and Doc & Jess & Alysia stayed after for about 3 hours. We stunted like mad, and did gymnastics and took pictures and video. Superfun! :)

Now I'm at home. Tomorrow I'm gonna do the last bits of work around the house for rent, and then the work's dried up. :(

I sure love my life, though. It's amazing and I want to wallow in it while it's lasting.

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - Meeting the Statues

When breakfast started happening we stumbled out and got ready for the day. After a shower I always feel super-better. There was markedly little stunting - a lot of people drank a lot the night before. I didn't; booze is delightfully more and more not my thing. I'm very glad of that.

So, amid the groans, I felt pretty darn good. Also, my wonderful Amanda returned to hang out with all of us. Everyone seemed to like her - though I suppose I only saw her meet and talk with a few folks. I'm lousy at judging other people's interactions, anyway, unless I'm watching closely.

There's always been kind of a rule - if you're dating someone then you can vouch for 'em to be part of the Circus family. At least, if you're placed high enough on the food chain. It really helps if they're helper-people, like Clover. Or if they're super-cute, like Clover.

We all kicked about until finally loading up our gear and bodies into the bus, which was an oven. It turns out that Amanda drives a sexy black Jaguar. I can't figure out what the hell this girl sees in me, honestly. I'm not arm-candy, my haircut was given by Uli in the parking lot on Saturday morning, I'm flat broke, and I can't dance. Seems like a California hottie driving a Jaguar would drive right past, right? Maybe I'm a ticket to the Circus, or like Dutch says, maybe I'm just that good in bed.

My opinion is that I talk to her like she's not a supermodel - she always blinks when I call her on shit, like she's not used to it. But she responds well to it - a super-attractive trait for me. I've lately dated a lot of girls who aren't at all interested in hearing a damn thing about my insights into what I would describe as their flaws. Few people are - another weird thing about this new culture. I used to spend the bulk of my time interacting with people who were earnestly seeking out their own flaws and striving for self-improvement. But in the big ol' world it's really rare to find anyone interested in another person's criticisms. And why would anyone be? The big ol' world is full of people whose insight is all chock full of ... what do the AA folks call it? Stinkin' thinkin'. Heh.

So, maybe Amanda likes being dealt with beyond her hotness. She seemed to, up in Portland. Or maybe I'm a nice guy and she responds to that. Or maybe we have lots of fun together and she digs the funseeking stuff. Or maybe I'm sexier than I realize. Girls tell me with straight faces that I'm handsome. Amanda did see me a lot in makeup and costume, and people are way, way sexier in makeup and costume.

Doesn't matter. She really digs me and I am glad. The sexy stuff is bonus. Was bonus. Might be bonus again. We might bump into one another again. My fingers are crossed. She's a pretty amazing girl.

So this amazing girl drives me in her hot sports-car to American Steel where the statues hang out. She brought snacks and wine - she doesn't drink. Supercool date.

I suited up in green coveralls and gloves 'cause I fell for the prank that I had to do so. I looked like a big green frog up there, and it was beastly hot. Nobody else who climbed on it had to suit up. It was probably Creature who made me dress up, that bastard.

I shimmied up the statue and tried out the things I'd been so eager to try out. Just positions and locations and relative distances. Trying to get ideas for what we can do on this fella. He's crouchy - there's a picture somewhere I know it.

He's all coated with thick cable that's got wires sticking out. They're sharp and strong and there's no easy way for us to crawl around on the statues. The crew who maintains them can buff them somewhat, but mostly we'll have to build some platforms.

His head is strong - I stood on it. I would love to see Brittany handbalancing up there, or one of us doing a handstand off it to a cradle below. I also wanna do some leaps down to thick padding. But mostly we'll using the platform on the shoulders, and jumping off (and maybe on).

After our exhausting 10-minute exploration of the statue we needed some rest, so we retired to the sunshine out back to stunt. There's a FaceBook picture from that time, yay! I'm holding Amanda, with my gut bulging out. Dutch claims I've a six-pack, but I've yet to see it. Brittanie is in the back, with Jay & Dutch & Tiari to the side.

Russ shared some excellent whiskey and coke, and I felt nicely buzzed for the rest of the evening. Thank you Russell!

Then we split up a bit. Tiari and Brittanie came in Amanda's car with us, and we went shopping. *cringe* I shoulda realized that taking off with 3 girls would mean shopping. It was fun hanging around with them between shopping sprees. :)

We met up with Dutch, Creature, Clover and Andy and hung out on Haight & Ashbury. That was pretty fun, but nothing exceptionally fun happened, really. Just lots of great company and chatting.

We rejoined the bus and waited as folks trickled back from wandering about. I got to make out with Amanda for a few delicious moments. I do like that girl. And she's super-responsive.

Creature decided to change his pants directly in front of Clover's car. She wasn't about to let that opportunity slip past, so she flicked on her lights to spotlight him. A minor funny moment, but memorable nonetheless.

Then it was time to bid adieu to my dream-date. Amanda had to take off. I hope to see her again, but part of her magical charm is that she's temporary. I think she'd be serious trouble if she were nearby.

We piled on the bus and headed out. A friend of Creature's had offered to give us a big meal and party, and we indulged in both. It was a great place, and some of our hosts friends came to party, too. They drank a lot (as did we) and some of them got kinda surly (as we did not). I missed most of that, thank heavens. I was chatting with various people all about, and drinking a bit.

At around midnight the bus loaded everyone up except me, Clover, Andy and Brittanie. We were the occupants of Susie-Q for the ride home. Brittanie and I crashed in a bed, and then a hide-a-bed a little later. We slept like the dead, waking at 4:00 to roll out for Portland.

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - The Afterparty

I was bummed about Amanda leaving, but I was heady from the rush of being a circus acrobat and then dancing a bunch with a hottie. More importantly, I was with people I care for and trust. My circus family. Clover & Andy were staying at a different place again, sadly. But the rest of us were there, though a few folks crashed early.

A bunch of folk were drinking, including the fulla-fun AWOL girls (excluding Alysia, who doesn't drink or do anything bad except occasionally kiss a boy or perhaps think a swear-word now & then.) Miranda was all stunt-happy, but a little too inebriated for her body to cash the checks her mouth was writin'. Brittany jumped up, though, and did the afore-mentioned Butterfly wall-walk. So did Miranda. I think. I was pretty sleepy and wiped out by then. I'm reasonably sure that Doc and I did an extension, and I might've flown a shortlived angel on Dutch. But that mighta been in the AM.

I posted on FaceBook a time or two, at some point. I wish we had more pictures to help record the memories. :( One more reason to miss Joey. That trip would've been at least as wonderful with Joey. Unless she was drinking. Then it woulda probably been nightmarish. I gotta quit playing the "What if I hadn't" and the "What if she'd quit prior" game. It's been tearing at me enough lately, I think.

We did some stunting that's starting to trickle onto FaceBook. :) We built a 3-dog-stack with Dutch on top. Russ and I double-based Dutch. I extended Doc.

Temple realized that I'd love to utilize his rigging, so he began setting up for some harness-supported stunting. Superyay! But it didn't ever flower to fruition, sadly. Miranda was the gung-ho flier but she wasn't feeling very well by then. So things began to slowly wind down, with several of the single fellas congregating around the girls present. I just wanted to crash, so I followed the A-WOL party duo into the dark, relatively quiet bedroom, where they were giggling drunkenly. I just sat back and chuckled along with them for quite a while - that's when I was chastised for writing such long updates to FB. For some reason they found it HIlarious that I made a bowl of food to eat before I retired for bed. They were a riot.

As I ducked into the bedroom with the two giggling drunk aerialist girls I got one thumbs-up and one lecherous grin from two of the single guys. I wanted to try to address that but instead I just told the girls and we laughed about it. Nobody actually said anything about it at all, except Dutch, bless his heart for crediting me with that kinda potential. He thinks I'm sexier than I am, IMO. I may think the same of him, I dunno, but I've seen him jumped on by way more cuteys than I've been jumped on by.

Eventually the ladies went to sleep, and so did Miranda & Brittanie, followed shortly thereafter by me. Yay for sleep at last!

Brittanie is one of the volunteers for various Wanderlust shows. Miranda forbid me from hitting on her 'cause Cookie wanted exclusive rights. *snort* I agreed, though. Which was good, 'cause Brittanie digs me tons as a friend but has no interest in me as a guy. Up until this point I just knew her as Wanderlust Hottie Who May Be Dating Someone. (She wasn't; that's just an easily mistaken impression amongst our crew.)

Anyway, at this point I barely knew Brittanie. She was "Miranda's date" more or less.

So, we slept for a few hours. Like 4 or 6 - some nice biggish number. It was hot in there, with 5 people in a small room.

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - Day of the Show

I got up and helped Ben the supercook make superbreakfast. Dutch helped a bit, too, more or less offsetting the bacon he kept snitching. Miranda did dishes, as did Noah. Dunno why I feel like calling out props, but it's important that helping hands are noticed and appreciated.

We stunted around and relaxed and showered and got ready for a show. Then we piled back into the Wanderbus and Susie-Q, and drove across the Bay Bridge. Breathtaking. I was trying to paint my nails black & white, and the view kept drying stuff up. My rough paintjob now reminds me of San Francisco's Bay Bridge. Aw.

The venue was freakin' sweet. The stage was *almost* adequate, but Creature did his magic and up went an extension. Then it was simply a little too shallow, but we more or less coped. But headspace we had, and good visibility to the crowd. Plus, the green room was on a balcony behind the stage, over a cool arched bridge that *screamed* out for handstands. It got 'em, too. I saw to that bridge.

The aerialists had 4 different mounts, including a pulley that the local circus crew used (with Dutch's ballast) to raise and lower Brandy and Jess during their routine. It was super-cool.

Brandy and Jess
These girls get a big shout out. They're supercool. I think that they finally got comfortable that the Kazum guys weren't trying to get in their pants like the rest of the male and pro-lady female population of the planet.

That's good; it gives us an edge. ;)

But we're not *aggressively* trying to bed them, so they relaxed and hung out. Stunting, joking, bickering, taunting the spamminess of... all kinds of stuff. Man, if those two ever saw this blog they'd flip out. A single paragraph of internet was too much. This old-school text-based communication thing is just way too wordy... and that's pre-Scott. Once I get done with it it hardly resembles words at all. Just big chunky blocks of nearly-random text.

So, Brandy is 5-ninish until she gets into the air and then her legs grow longer. She's amazing to watch. I consciously didn't, in fact. I don't like ogling. Jess I can watch; she's a little sister, I think. Brandy's just too fun to watch, for me.

I *love* watching people watching a show, by the way. Crowd watching is a riot. And when Brandy does her thing, the crowd's eyes and expressions are delightful to behold. Jess is gorgeous up there. The two of them are amazing together. The applause after their silk routine was thunderous. They, more than anyone, sold Wanderlust to S.F.

And then they danced like crazy. :)

But I'm jumping way ahead. First there was stretching and blocking the routine and rigging and hanging out for 5 or 6 hours until showtime. It was way fun. My shirt was discovered to be undiscoverable, so Alysia donned her Superhero Seamstress hat and built me a shirt from scraps. It was wonderful.

I went for a walk to explore S.F. but I got distracted by a marching band. M4 rolled up and I chatted with them as they disembarked.

Then things got loud. Sound check, talking, stretching s'more. M4 rolled out after an hour or two; they had another tiny gig and supper before the big show after ours. Here's a shot of that scene.

My focus up to then was on circus stuff, mostly - making sure we were moving along and good to go. And then Amanda arrived.

Amanda
She featured in a previous blog post. She's amazing, and when she gets fancied up she's one of the hottest little critters I've ever seen. She was my date for the show, which spins off into a whole guilt thing...

Dutch is very right that I don't deserve a dream date with a sexy girl just a week and a half from cheating on my girlfriend. He proscribed an arbitrary 2 weeks. I think that's kinda silly; 2 weeks isn't gonna atone for anything. But it is an actual cost, and a consequence, and something I shouldn't dodge. So I agree with him.

And then there's Amanda. *sigh*

I'd love to claim that I nobly refrained, but that isn't so. Instead, I got a super date that went home without me at the end for other reasons that had nothing to do with me or my recent bastardliness. So, in all the most important ways, things worked out really well.

Kazum did a full run-through that was not only choppy, but peppered with drops. Not terrifying... but still scary. Despite that, I think we all felt ready for the show. We were the first act.

It was choppy. Not terribly so... and we're all really good at pulling choppiness together. I love all of us so much! I saw James & Doc drop some stuff that had to hurt. The Ass Catch was at 95% power plus adrenaline, and I nearly ran out of stage to catch it in. But we got it. The extension stuck up there like a porn star, and the Triple Base cradled despite my fear that it was a goner. Somehow the Candelabra looked more or less complete, though it *felt* like it was holding together by fingernails, prayers and mantras. Adrenaline beat exhaustion, but heat exhaustion was a serious contender for the evening's competitions. I staggered offstage, forgetting that I was supposed to lift Jess up to Brandy, beelining for the back room that was delightfully chilly. I was actually starting to grey out a bit - so hot under spotlights doing high-intensity stunting with too many pounds of leftover computer nerd on me. Dutch felt every steak & cheeseburger he's eaten for a week, I'm sure. We're big fellas, we are.

I mingled a bit prior to Lions. I had a breathtaking date down there. I liked watching her dance from the balcony, but I also liked her dancing around me and beside me. There were many people to see, though, and stunts to be thrown.

Lulu was there! I love seeing her. But it's always at some crazy event, and I always have someone who's there with me. I'd love to try to kiss that girl at some point. I don't usually; most girls have to make a pass at me before I trust that they're interested. But I feel brave enough to take a chance with Lulu. Yum.

There was stunting in the smoking lounge, in back. There was much laughter and talk and hugging of good friends. It was a crazy fun party.

Lions went well. We were putting our hearts into being leonine. But the crowd couldn't really see us very well; the stage was a little bit too low to showcase Lions well. It felt like it went well, though - we got mad cheers for the final agonizing portion of the triple crab twist. I'm glad; that 3 seconds is always the most painful of any show. I think I flipped rather than handspringing 'cause the stage felt crowded, but that's fine.

The Kazum guys were ogled like we were made of chocolate. I wouldn't have believed it but I saw the girls looking at Doc & Dutch, so I suppose they were looking at me as well. It was scary. I was glad that I had a date. I felt that way once at the Roller Derby girls' party, too.

I had the most amazing night, and Amanda was often at my side. We danced a lot, and I've never danced before, really. It was more grinding than dancing, I think, but it was dancelike. I danced with Creature, and with Creature & Amanda, and it was pretty magical. I wasn't on drugs or anything. But I don't think I could've danced with anyone other than those particular two. Serendipity.

The crowd cleared out, and finally so did Amanda. *sigh* We all returned to Temple's place for The Afterparty.

Wanderlust Circus hits San Francisco - The Trip Down

On Thursday morning-ish the replacement Wanderbus began ingesting circus folk & gear. The morning before I dug ditch while listening to Creature mastermind a replacement. It was pretty impressive. All hail Kae, by the way. As Creature put it, "I didn't buy a bus, I bought a guy."

I had to work on Thursday from 9:30 to noon. I was all excited, telling all of my gymkids that I was getting in a car to drive to San Francisco to do a big circus show. Lots of my gymkids stunt with me; I love my job. Alysia's kind of the final evolution of gymkids to stunt with.

Then I biked to Clover's place with my backpack. One advantage of being largely homeless is that I easily pack for days at a time. Clover and Andy and I waited a bit for Sid and Dutch and then we filled Susie-Q to very near her weight limit, and drove her southward.

We stopped here and there to stunt, but most of the initial ride is hazed a bit by pain. Dutch and I are big fellas, and Susie-Q is dainty like her driver. My knees and legs were killing me, and Dutch matched my whine-intensity gripe for gripe. We were some unhappy large dudes.

Providence saw fit to offer us a cruel twist of fate, though. Not cruel to us - cruel to Wanderlust, who had to pay $650 for new tires when a piece of rebar in the road made messy rubber shrapnel of 2 replacement Wanderbus tires. A focused Mormon-looking mechanic made quick work of the repairs but not before my and Dutch's need manifested a meeting. We swapped onto the bus, which necessitated some stunting with Brittany Walsh.

Brittany Walsh
She gets her own header. She's incredible.

I've never stunted with Brittany before. Frankly, she intimidates me. She's a for-reals Circus acrobat - a hand-balancer who routinely achieves feats that leave me bitterly envious yet inspired to be a better me. But on a wacky Circus tour, my normally-robust inhibitions sometimes break down a bit, and I asked her to stunt.

She leapt gracefully to her feet and then my hands, and we did some basic stunts. But we did 'em well. She's one of the best first-stunts I've ever experienced. I pushed into a Butterfly from an Angel (her 2nd with me) and she just responded and flew it. Later at Temple's we did another Butterfly, and walked it along the wall. First time I've ever thought of or tried it - it went splendidly!

Every time I've asked her stunt since that initial one, she's jumped up and gone for it. I love this girl.

We ate delicious food while swapping tires & passengers, as well. Ben is a great guy. I figured he was, otherwise Uli never woulda snuggled with him and then blushed so entertainingly about it. Ben made superbomb food the whole trip. I want him as our cook every time. Not just for the food - he's a chill guy who's really nice. I'd love to hang out with him more. Hell, maybe we can even snuggle.

Then it was time to pile into the bus and find a place. Alysia had abandoned the bus for Clover's car, to keep the bus under its legal limit.

This was a point when I first actually saw clues about Doc & Alysia. They had hung out once before in a datelike fashion, but I blew that off. Until the bus - I saw a glance and an arm-touch that were pretty clear. Aw! And yet... hm. Doc's an older fella, divorced, has a kid, and going through a very familiar-looking reinvention of himself via the Circus.

I mean, I dated Gaelen, who was too young for me. But she wasn't young the way Alysia is young.

Perhaps I'm simply so suspicious of lechery in myself that I project it's potential in others? Nah, I don't actually think Doc's horning for a pretty 18-year-old.

I just worry that he's in flux, and she's potentially at risk of what the fluxing puts him through. But enough of that.

The bus took off with about 300 lbs more weight than it expected, but it seemed to handle it fine. I hovered for a bit, playing on the hang-bars, and flitting about in pure enjoyment of leg room while traveling. I like spacious busses way better than wee Irish cars.

I ended up by Creature, which was cool. He's a solid base for me to operate off of. But I floated around a lot.

There was a movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I've not seen it in years. I watched most of it, but dozed off near the end.

There were a few stops, such as when we rolled into California and pinged closed liquor stores until bursting in on Weed. There was less stunting in Weed than one might wish. I slacked.

After that, we had booze. Dutch foolishly tried to lure the prim AWOL ladies (Brandy and Jess) into playing drinking games. They rose to the challenge and we had a laughter-laden 4-hour game of 21. Much fun. Favorite quote: "Table" by Brandy as a word to rhyme with. Super-inventive, those drunk A-WOL chicks. ;)

I also played guitar for an hour or so, which I enjoyed a bunch. I got to play to the back section where Tiari and Noah were sleeping, so I didn't feel like I was too-louding everyone else. I haven't played & sang for way, way too long. I gotta get my guitar to Jem's the next time I have boys.

We rolled into San Francisco and arrived at Temple's place. Temple is one of Creature's old circus buddies, and he is awesome. He put up the circus in his huge living space. Everybody but me even got something soft to sleep on. We crashed out *fairly* quickly, but we didn't even get there until morning, so I don't remember what time the last person went to bed, leaving me an empty living room at long last. I slept for 2 or 3 blissful hours before the breakfast crew began prep-work on the Day of the Show.