Oregon Country Fair 2009 - Sunday & Monday

Sunday morning arrived via rainfall. I heard it sprinkling down and I checked outside, but I'd put my huge blue tarp over my & Dutch's tent and all of our stuff, so we were good. So, I went back to sleep (I'd gotten in at 7:00 am or so). I'm a little embarassed to admit that I felt quite happy because I was warm & snug but I could hear lots of people squishing about making their things as safe as they could. It was like huddling by a hot stove and being toasty while listening to the icy winter wind howl outside. Their misery amplified my content... which is kinda mean for me to feel. But, I did, and the result is that I slept like a log until 2:30, an hour before our show.

Then I popped out into the rain to go pee and see what was up. Uli told me that our show had been canceled. It was sad; I love performing. But at the same time... a show in the rain would be so, so not fun. Dangerous and frustrating and freezing and probably painful. So, I went back to sleep for a few hours! Yay! A huge amount of morning sleep before the final day and night of wild Fair partying!

The White Album show was on, however, which was exquisite. I love that show, even if it wasn't M4. Since it is M4 I love it very much. So we ran through some things (remember the Triple Base rework idea?...) and got food and just kinda stayed out of the miserable mud & rain as much as we could. Then we schlepped stuff to the fire stage, which provided ridiculously ample dry space.

There was a very large crowd, and as M4 began to play the crowd kept swelling. We had a side-stage, but Dutch and I bounced on it a little and quickly determined that it wasn't Kazum-friendly. It was okay for All About Love, though.

There was yummy food and friends to hang out with backstage in the green room, plus lots of friends hanging out near the stage where we could talk over the fence, plus Fair security just loves its performers and they let us go and do anything we want, so I wandered all about and saw lots of people. I love being part of this whole big extended family. There's nobody I'm aware of who doesn't like me, and I certainly don't have anyone I don't like... that's a little odd, come to think of it. Isn't some degree of enmity just a basic fact of life that becomes more prevalent as the number of relationships increases? *shrug*

I hung out a bunch with Melissa Orien's son Zen. That kid is so awesome. He came up to me frequently and demanded my attention with "Scott." He's about 5 or 6 and he was having obscene amounts of fun. He had a beach ball that we kicked and threw about for the longest time. I love hanging out with Orien, too, but she's very social and I don't do very well at maintaining high social involvement for long periods of time. She typically gets bored of me and flutters off as she so enjoys doing. And that's totally fine! I've actually been bumping into Orien all the damn time lately. Pretty cool.

All About Love was pretty good. But the mats were a little wet, which was scary. Still, it went well and people seemed to dig it. The song we performed to was short, which was disappointing. We had to skip the Lib cradle-down-back-up-to-Angel, which is pretty freakin' cool and pretty freakin' sad to not perform for thousands of M4-invigorated folks. I swear, M4 can whip a crowd into a frenzy of fun that produces applause and screams of delight - levels I've not seen rivaled elsewhere.

So, we cut early and bowed and stripped down mats.

While we were preparing to go onstage, a beautiful girl whose name I should probably know flashed me a huge smile and a very friendly wink. I was flummoxed, of course, and probably gave her signs of disinterest as a result. Lame. If nothing else, I felt extremely complimented and happy. I noticed several girls wink at me during the show, actually. Right on. I emulate "sexy" well as long as I get to lift people and do backflips and not talk. :)

For Birthday we asked the crowd to open a space in front of the stage, and we set out mats. Noah barked us in, which always builds anticipation and makes both the audience and Kazum a lot more full of energy and excitement. But as he was barking the drizzle was coming back. There was a light sheen of dampness on the mats... that's bad. Not as bad as slippery wet, but still scary.

Birthday went very well despite the sheen! A few things were slippy - the Cupie was hit-and-drop, like it so often is in performances despite rock-solid practices. James slipped a bit on a few things, including the final dismount from Double-Base Chinese Star. He was all upset about his performance, which is too bad 'cause we rocked it out there.

After the show a dance party erupted and I shuffled back and forth between camp and the party for about an hour, running errands. Most of those errands involved getting what we needed to get together for a night of wild fun - no more performances, so we could finally cut loose. I love Sunday night at OCF. :)

D'oh! I just remembered what happened on Saturday night! The Midnight Show! I'll go back and add details later to the Saturday post. Woohoo! Ooh, plus Bre.

Most of us eventually assembled at camp. We set off for the Ritz, where the Ding-Dong Singalong (or something to that effect) was taking place with various M4 members.

Dutch and Bre and I hung out a lot on Sunday and I really dig her a bunch. She's not into me and I'm not into her as a result (she's lesbian) but we have the basis of a great friendship and I can't wait to spend more time with her soon. :)

At the Ritz they set up a huge flip-book with lyrics on it that can be seen clearly from way back. And they began to play. I was smoking with Bre & Dutch & Uli, but as I heard the introductory notes of "doo-doo-doo-doot-doot-doo-doo-do-do-do-do-do" of Aha's "Take On Me" I leapt into position among the singers. Noah was there and I stepped up beside him to sing loudly along. I know all kinds of lyrics & tunes, but I usually can't sing 'em because my voice only hits high notes when I put my full diaphram into it. Me singing high notes is very loud, and I don't do it unless I'm only around friends and far from those who'd be bothered. Tada! These conditions were met on Sunday night!

I sang my heart out, and people kept looking at me. Not in a "shut up, BullfrogBoy" way but in a "Hey, who's singing their heart out?" way. Singing alongside Noah as he laughed in pure joy was probably the very highlight of the Fair for me this year. I had to keep thinking of sad things so that I didn't bawl with happiness. Jason Wells was leading things, and he's an excellent leader. And the songs they sang! I can't remember all of them, but every one of 'em is excellent for karaoke. Somehow. We did "Let's Dance", and ... crap, I can't remember very many. Lame. I'll add more as I recall them. I remember that we finished with "Across the Universe." To my amazement, I know that song very well. I fell in love with the movie, which is probably why. Anyway, with the lyrics I could really belt it out and it sounded (to me) like I was singing it well. Ugh, hopefully nobody lets me know if I wasn't, 'cause then I'd be too scared to belt it out again at the earliest opportunity. :) I had *so* much fun singing.

There were some songs I either didn't know or didn't like... in particularly "Smells Like Teen Spirit" 'cause I loathe Nirvana. I dodged Nirvana in search of water (the water at the Ritz wasn't flowing, which sucked). I bumped into Andrew, who really wants to do some stunting. I hope to see him at Monday Funday next week.

After the Singalong finished I just circled amongst people, being touchy with those I knew or those I met who seemed amenable to touchiness. Oh, two guys started singing Bohemian Rhapsody and I joined in. They were hesitant but I knew it and belted it (for the most part). That drew John Averill's attention and he joined us, pumping it into a truly amazing performance. Very, very fun.

I did a couple of one-armed handstands against a huge statue of a dude doing a one-armed handstand. Someone took a picture; I hope it gets published where I can run across it. While doing the handstand I met a delightful girl named Proton who stunted with me and enjoyed herself immensely doing so. As usual, it kinda seemed like she was showing interest in me but of course I'm incapable of indicating my own interest. *shrug* But I made a new friend at least.

Then someone suggested a rerun of the Singalong, and I added my request for at least "Take On Me." Theresa (Jason Well's lady) was there, too, and that girl's got pipes. I was really excited to sing with her. Dutch was there for the whole 2nd run-through as well, which was awesome. :) More blissful singing of wonderful songs.

Then I moseyed about to another fire to make new friends. I saw a way-too-young uber-hot girl whom I'd noticed dancing earlier. I smiled bashfully and averted my eyes, but she jumped in with a "I really enjoyed your show" and I met her and her friend. The dancer-girl was Laura, and her beautiful friend was Mary. They were blatantly interested in me... even my bashful stupidity couldn't fail to notice their overt friendliness. I chatted with them and was touchy-feely and they were quite pleased. Then Mary became increasingly friendly with the touching - nothing inappropriate, but the caresses and hugs and shoulder-rubbing was certainly charged. I was ecstatic... forward girls, finally at last! But then it seemed like Mary was attached and I'd been being friendly with the wrong girl. Laura commented, "Oh, I see, so I'm leftovers?" She was smiling, but I felt bad anyway. Still, both of 'em remained very friendly. I started to feel like an ass, being so flirty with both of them. But they were the ones leading, so I just gave up & followed along.

Also, during the conversation it came out that despite looking like teenagers, both of them are older than I am. *blink*

They kept talking about me in third person, which was way cool. Mary said to Laura, "I'm thinking that we need to drag this boy off somewhere." I was dumbfounded, with the biggest and goofiest grin I've ever produced. Both of them were all over me - again, not inappropriately or anything, just very forward and randy.

So, eventually we wandered off to walk through the Fair together. I had a gorgeous, not-teen woman on each arm. It was amazing. We found a nice secluded spot and they took turns making out with me. The whole thing was surreal and exquisite. They were just interested in fun; it wasn't like they were trying to take me to a tent or anything. It was still fantastic, though.

We couldn't find the Daredevil Stage, which I wanted to show 'em for some reason I've now forgotten. We found a bench, though, and Mary got quite a bit more friendly. Laura set boundaries, which I was happy to abide by. Boy, was I blissed out. I'm gonna slip into vaguaries at this point.

They both wanted to cuddle up with me and sleep. I believed Laura... Mary I suspected of harboring ulterior motives. I invited 'em back to the Circus camp at Stage Left. Poor Dutch woke up at 3:00 am to find Scott bringing two beautiful girls into our tent. He handled it like a pro... he made room for Laura and shared his blanket. She lay down and he dropped an arm around her and they snuggled up. She was asleep within minutes. Dutch, I fear, didn't get back to sleep as easily.

Mary & I didn't sleep. We talked some, later on when dawn struck and people were up & about. I was delighted to learn that she has a 19-year-old daughter... the last girl I was romantically involved with was 19. That amused me to no end. She, of course, was appropriately horrified. She's got a 22-year-old son, as well. She looks 19 or 20. Laura looks 16. It's a little eerie.

Later in the morning when Laura woke up I got to escort two beautiful girls from my tent and introduce them to everyone. Poor Naia was devastated - Alex had charged her with ensuring that Scott got no action at Fair, and it happened almost under her nose. *preen* Uli was impressed that I'd hooked up at all, and when the 2nd girl popped out of the tent she was astounded. It was pretty cool, though I felt bad for the ladies. 'Specially Laura... she wasn't too keen on waking up in the acrobats' tent of Circus camp. But she handled it well.

Mary had a car with no passengers, so I invited myself to a ride home with her. She was pleased to offer it.

I walked the ladies back to camp, then brought Mary back so that I could pack up. She hung out with my people and listened to all manner of teasing and joking, which she took really well. I'm glad... she got a really good introduction to me and my folk, simply because she made it happen that way instead of letting it be akward and uncomfortable. Kudos for Mary, for sure.

Mary and I talked a bunch all the way home. She digs me a lot. :) I also dig her a lot. I don't know what'll happen, but I hope to spend more time with her for sure. She dropped me off and we napped for a while at my place.

And that's the end of my OCF 2009!

Oregon Country Fair 2009 - Saturday

I felt great on Saturday morning... the previous loneliness had been washed away by delightful sleep. We booked it over to the Daredevil Stage for our first show. It was nice not to have to cart gear over there.

Plus, it was mostly cloudy. Cool & refreshing! Yay! I wasn't the SweatMonster after every routine. Delightful.

The show was rough. At least for me. The others didn't feel too badly about it, but I was just not on my game. The cupie hit-and-fell, which isn't too bad. The Triple Base flopped, though apparently nobody else thought it flopped as badly as it looked from my perspective. Uli and I messed up All About Love - how the hell do we mess up All About Love? We did, somehow. Lions was okay, Birthday was choppy as could be, and Planet Claire led the show with "adequate". *sigh* I was bummed, but luckily I have accumulated quite a bit of experience at getting past failures. :)

We did the Cart Bark back to camp... it's ridiculously fun for some reason when Noah's involved. I'm really getting closer to that freakish and scary man, I must say. I had a great many wonderful experiences with him at Fair this year. I dig Noah, bigtime.

M4 was playing on the Main Stage so Noah & Dutch & I went to see. We got there for the final bit of Nanda's number with them... it was spectacular even from the way-back of the enormous crowd. We moseyed closer to see some more delightful M4 joy, and then booked back to Stage Left for our 5:30 set.

It was wonderful! Not everything was tight, but almost everything was. We delivered a really great show to the crowd and it felt spectacular. Since we were the last show we left the mats out and James & I put lion heads on to play with munchkins. There were 7 or 8 kids who screamed and squealed and rode lions and emanated joy. It was so much fun. Those kids had the time of their lives and I got to participate.

We all wandered about together - I got a Frisco Burger which was really really good. We found friends and parties and fun, and while I can't recall many specifics (simply because so much was going on all weekend) I am left with memories of laughter, happiness, comraderie and joy. Kinda nebulous, and I'm sure I'll add more details as I recall them.

Dutch ran into a friend - Bre, a delightful lesbian girl who turns 21 soon. We hit it off quite well and the three of us were pals whenever we were together. Very cool. I'll see more of Bre at Monday Funday.

Stage Left was getting mobilized for the Midnight Show. Wacko was there in a sparkly shirt that he claimed was too hot, so he swapped out to something else. I claimed the shirt with his permission, and put some simple face-painting on myself so that I looked at least mildly spangled. Then I got myself invited (by Anna, whom I love to death) to march with them. At last! I've seen them march off to the Midnight Show for two years now and yearned to participate. This time I did!

Aspen and I practiced a shoulder-stand with his base drum. I also got Uli & Miranda & Anna in the lineup so that I could stunt with them as well. And then we were off!

I stunted a bunch... Angels and Chairs. People loved it. The torch bearers were nervous but I think they were okay with adding stunts to the parade. There were lots of pictures - I hope to find some on Flickr, perhaps. We stopped at one point for a few songs and Aspen mounted my shoulders. That was awesome. I had to bring him down, and I didn't realize that I was doing so right before the song ended. :( Otherwise it was sweet.

I also got to carry Uli in a Chair most of the way through the roaring crowd in front of Main Stage. We finished up in an Angel and peeled off, then I darted down to sit behind Anna. She was the only person in front of me... I had the best seats in the house. I felt bad later, 'cause the Stage Left family sits there and even though Anna invited me I felt a little like an interloper. I ducked out eventually, but first I got to see two amazing numbers.

Faith, who camps near us at Stage Left, is 92 years old and has done OCF all her life. This may be her last fair. She played guitar and sang a beautiful song and I bawled & bawled & bawled. Her tent was behind mine last year and I heard her playing & singing often, though I didn't know who she was then.

After her song she asked, "Can I sing another?" and her daughter stepped up and said, "No. You sit down right here, mom, and listen." Her daughter began to play guitar and sing. Faith couldn't see it 'cause she was facing the audience, but behind her the stage filled up with her family... kids & grandkids & close friends. On the chorus they all joined in through their tears, and Faith was astounded as she turned around and saw them all. I cried so hard. It was a really amazing thing to watch.

Then her grandaughter Alex came out with her German Wheel, bawling like crazy. She did a really incredible show with it. I'd heard her in camp worrying about having to rechoreograph the routine for a smaller stage... but it was superb.

After that I ducked backstage, where I found Uli & Aspen and others. I stunted and hung out with them and just had a ridiculously wonderful evening. At one point I wandered out to the behind-the-stage area, where I was invited to hold a big banner for a really cool song. That was way fun; my moment of glory on Main Stage. :)

Nanda did a ridiculously cool routine that I saw from directly behind the stage, and I got to congratulate them afterwards. Then I returned to the backstage party until M4 went on. I dug that very much, too. Finally it was done and people were moseying away. I'd lost track of my people, but that was okay; I was ready to shower and sleep.

I wandered into the Ritz in the early morning, and relaxed and soaked and sweated. I hit the Sauna 3 times, each time getting really overheated and sweaty and then washing it off. I stretched, did some handstands (kinda odd naked, but I did my best to be at least somewhat chaste about it) and just relaxed for about 2 hours. Dawn arrived whilst I was still there. It was great. Then I headed home and got to bed at around 7:30 am.

Oregon Country Fair 2009 - Friday

On Friday the gates opened to the public and the Fair filled right the hell up. It was glorious weather - sunny and delightful. People were full of excitement and the air shivered with fun.

We carted our mats & gear to the Daredevil Stage, utilizing Noah's voice alongside Dutch's height to clear a path. It worked well, and people didn't even seem upset at stepping aside for a cart full of mats & costumes. The show went fairly well, although the Triple Base pyramid didn't have time to extend. That damn stunt has given us more trouble...

Highlights included watching James shadow Julia's bellydance routine to "I'm a Woman - W-O-M-A-N", as well as Dutch modeling our new Kazum panties. The stage managers were delightfully friendly and everything went stunningly. Since our next show was there the next morning we were permitted to leave our mats and the bulk of our gear there overnight... saved us a lot of schlepping. We did the "Make Way for the Cart" roar all the way back to Stage Left, then we hurried over to W.C. Fields stage to catch Ricochet, a big favorite for acrobat types. They're amazing. But they were having major sound troubles, which was frustrating for them and for the audience. We saw Sweet Can (my very favorite group of all) but again the sound difficulties nearly killed their show. I heard that Matt White, the Sweet Can choreographer/coach, saw our show the next day (Saturday) at Stage Left. That's excellent; the Saturday show was our best, IMO.

We decided to cut a bit out of the Birthday routine just before the Triple-Base pyramid. It worked splendidly. :)

We got food at the Hospitality Tent... delicious. Iced Chai was great, and the vegan cookies were exquisite. It was odd to see Creature sitting at a picnic table at Fair with a laptop, doing business stuff. I stunted with Amy a bit... I kept bumping into her but she was always off doing stuff, as was I.

I bumped into Claire and hung out with her for a bit. Very cool. She's so awesome. I also saw Emily, and Dutch and I busked for cigarettes which was pretty sweet. I did a one-legged stand on his shoulder and people were all manner of impressed even though I felt like it was pretty silly. I also did a while-smoking backflip, which always draws praise. And a handstand-against-a-tree into a one-arm-handstand so that I can take a drag from my smoke. I didn't do the drink-a-beer-in-a-handstand trick all weekend, hm.

Then it was back to camp for a bit before heading over to the fire show at the outdoor stage. The stage was amazing... it covered half a football field and provided an enormous stage area. Scarlett and I had gone through our stuff on Friday and felt comfortable with it. There was a huge choir & orchestra, and tons of fire performers. I just sat back and relaxed for a while as amazing fire and music erupted on the stage. Then Scarlett's number came up and I put on my black hood and went onstage.

I only had 4 or 5 mostly simple lifts. Between those I knelt down and became as unobtrusive as possible. We did a spinning Angel, a spinning Arabesque (the foot-plant kind) into a spinning Arabesque (the back-arch in the air kind), a Hello Dolly (aka T-rolldown minus the rolldown portion), and finally a one-shoulder sit that arched back into a "flopped over Scott's shoulder" kind of deal. But then Scarlett told me it was time to get off stage, so I bolted without realizing that the fire dancers were carrying the fabric to drape over Scarlett. I was later told that they kept trying to catch me to drape it over her, as I walked offstage and up the center aisle with her. Humiliating... but overall the show went well. And I got mad props about it... apparently our stuff was "large" enough to be clearly seen. Scarlett's swan-wings costume is incredible, and it must look great when she's lifted up in it. Quite a few people told me how neat it all was. It felt a little silly... 4-5 simple lifts. *shrug* It's hard to know what people are gonna dig or not dig, I suppose.

All of my people were locked into the audience and I have learned that hunting people at OCF is a great way to spend several hours being alone. I just went to bed at around 10:00, which was lame because I could hear wild fun taking place everywhere around and I wanted to participate but all of the people I knew were off elsewhere. At the same time... an early night is a good thing and I really enjoyed getting a full night of sleep.

Oregon Country Fair 2009 - Thursday

Despite rain on the final day, this was the best Fair I've been to in 3 years of performing at OCF.

We took off from Portland on Thursday afternoon. It was a boring drive but we made it with friends, which always helps.

Check-in and load-in were relatively smooth, though I did make the mistake of leaving my I.D. with the cart booth before showing it at check-in to get my all-important bracelet. I swore that this year I'd get a photo ID, but the line for photo ID's was at least an hour, always, and between practices & performances I couldn't seem to get away for that long. It sucked; the wristband fasteners kept catching on the girls' costumes when we stunted with them.

Aspen had set up a tent previously for me & Dutch. We got all settled and then did a run-through of our routines on Stage Left. It was the perfect time for mosquitos to provide an eager and intrusive audience... we were drenched in DEET but the mosquitos were so voracious that they kept piling up anyway. It was a nightmare trying to hold poses while watching mosquitos piercing the other performers, and feeling the vicious little beasties biting me as well. I hate mosquitos. I think that mosquitos and sharks were evoluntionary mistakes.

Then we walked around a bit and relaxed. The Kazum performance superceded the dress rehearsal for the next night's fire show, which was frustrating. It ended up being okay, though.

Noah camped with us behind Stage Left, along with Naia and Aspen and our amazing guitarist from M4. We were close to Nanda's campsite, too.

I didn't stay up too late on Thursday - maybe 1 or 2. It was a nice, fairly early night for me.

Endless Roadshow with March Fourth

Last night we did the first of 3 Endless Roadshows with Wanderlust Circus. We were followed by M4, which was followed by a ridiculously delightful afterparty at the Lotus Seed.

Alex is in town, and he had a part in the show. He was in overalls with a baseball hat and a stoopid look. It was great. Dutch and Miranda threw a kick-ass Planet Claire - we rocked it, and those two have never performed that routine before. Dutch especially - learning this kind of hardcore basing is not easy and that man has stepped up to the plate in a big way.

We did some stunting with Sarah - she is excellent. At the afterparty she kept trying to get me to dance, but she didn't get that it's 'cause she's a she. It's okay; some girls simply don't get it. But we stunted bunches.

I met (re-met actually) Dawn, who is a trip. She's one of the quiet drop-dead gorgeous kind of girls that so discombobulate me if I'm not stunting with them. Much like Trish, Uli's good friend who I am pretty sure is single but Aspen insists isn't.

I'm jumping around here like an acrobat, pardon me.

The show was stressful 'cause P.C. is a tough routine. But we nailed almost everything. For a first show, last night was incredible. Lion Tamer went very well, too... James is an amazing stud. Miranda was in rare form last night, and at the afterparty she was all drunk & fun & stunty. We did a buncha great stunting.

Rene & Devin & Jax & Marco hung out with me all night after they joined us at the Bossanova for the ending couple of M4 songs. It was a wild night of rare fun. I really dig Marco. I hope I get a chance to hang out with him and get to know him better. He's one of those guys who makes an impression. He thinks.

I got to hang out with so many of my favorite people, and talk with lots of new exciting wonderful people, and it was just a night of wonder and joy. I love what I get to do and I love the people I get to do it with.

Monday Funday - Stuntfest in the park

Dutch is one of the new Kazum dudes. 250 lbs, played football, wears spandex or nothing, a really great fellow. He brings wonderful things to the group, and what's more, I really like the guy.

He is a Zoobomber, and a tallbike rider. He's bigtime into the bike scene in Portland, and he's in all the cool circles. On Monday after the Sunday Zoobomb, they have Monday Funday in the park.

I went a few weeks ago, but I didn't know anybody there to stunt with. The point of Monday Funday is technically kickball and dodgeball, but way more people show up than just the players. It's a riot. A whole new crowd.

Well, just this Monday I went again, but this time I brought my own fliers - Adrienne and Io, as well as Aaron. Dutch showed up, too, and I pounced on Steve of the Bellini Twins and made him stunt like crazy with us.

It started out with me & Adrienne & Aaron. We did some basic stuff, then practiced cradling a Chair. We did some barrel rolls, backflip out of cradle, easy stuff like that, too. Adrienne is so awesome to stunt with! Plus I can hug and hold her (which I do with lots of girls) and go ahead and let myself be aware that she's a girl (which I never do with any of the girls I spend time with). And her stuntery is superb - she takes guidance really well and she internalizes it immediately. I only ever have to tell her something once... if she fails to do it in the future she knows it immediately and she auto-corrects. That's an excellent trait in a flyer and in a lover. Best girlfriend ever!

Except that she keeps dumping me. :)

On Monday she let me know that she's closing up her main relationship, meaning I'm left out in the cold. Fate, why dost thou kick me repeatedly in the junk? *self-indulgent sigh*

It's actually pretty damn cool. At some point she'll be available again, and absence makes the heart grow fonder. It also does wonders for desire. Plus we get to have the off-limits sexual tension with the virtually ironclad agreement that the limits will someday open back up. In the mean-time, we can stunt and hang out and be pals with just a little extra, but no drama or emotional baggage going on. Pretty much perfect, other than the lack of action that I've been perfecting for a long while now.

She brought Zeke, and he was thrilled to chase a tennis ball for a long time. I like that dog. I think we have an understanding.

Back to Funday.

The stunting was great! I also worked with Aaron on tuck-drills, and spotted his first 3 standing tucks. He'll be nailing them without trouble by the weekend, I guarantee it. I teach tucks really well. *modest smile*

As people noticed us absorbing passers-by into stunting, they began to hover near the action. It was a trip. I'd look around and see a semicircle of bright-eyed faces, eager to fly. I'd assign flyers to bases on the basis of weight and later (after seeing them stunt) skill. Aaron got the lighter girls and Dutch & I worked with taller people and less experienced flyers. There was a wide range of physical experience, with the girls who were tighter being able to fly Extensions - not too shabby for Practice #1. I based sooo many Angels and quite a few Flags. It was a hoot.

I'm pretty sure that all of the girls could tell that I'm not lecherous. I worry about that; when a 37-year-old shaggy-headed dork is lifting scrumptious 18-25-year-old girls, it would be foolish not to be a little nervous about his motivations. Mine are pure: I wanna stunt.

Aaron (curse his soul) tells me that he's pretty sure some of them wouldn't mind going home with me. I hate him. Why say such things? To torment me, that's why. Aspen's way cooler than Aaron.

Aaron also described the situation as, "Scott, you were surrounded by girls with that Space Cadet Glow." Aw... I make people feel like they've just ridden a roller-coaster. I love that! I love lighting up someone's face and sharing the amazement of doing fantastic stunts. I have the best hobby ever.

Adrienne had fun. I was impressed that she can show up & dump me and still be the best girlfriend ever. That's tough to accomplish. She had to take off at around 10... she had just barely enough time to come stunt, shatter my eager dreams for the near future, console me like a good pal, and then bolt. I'm so glad she came! I can't wait to stunt with her s'more. And I hope that her relationship with her main squeeze goes swimmingly, partially so that she can be a little more free with herself and share s'more. *dreamy smile*

I met tons of people and did tons of stunts, for about 4 hours. Then the cops rolled through 'cause it was 10:00 and the park was off-limits for funnery. We all relocated to Pirate Island, a jutting slab of stone on the east bank of the Willammette. It is a beautifully picturesque place, especially with a bonfire and 30 or so people, with the river and downtown Portland lighting up the horizon. Amazing.

There were a few crates to throw into the bonfire, and people were walking across them as they burned and crumbled. Stupid, but impressive and fun! When a new crate went on and it was only barely starting to burn I pulled one of my two best flyers up - either Emily or Jackie, I can't remember which. I'm pretty sure it was Jackie. She wasn't about to do an Angel on a burning crate until I sat there quietly and let it sink in just how cool that would be. Then she committed, stayed tight, and we did it. Very cool. I love flyers with that kind of trust right off the bat.

I also noticed a gorgeous little tiny girl watching the stunting, but I was busy plus she is pretty enough to be seriously intimidating, so I didn't introduce myself. But after a few beers and smoking I jabbered at her for quite some time as she sat by the bonfire. Her name is Charlotte and she's one of those girls who stops traffic with her body and her face. She knows it and she uses it, but that's fine. I ain't trying to date her. She's 19. I just wanna stunt with her. I got her number but she's not responded to calls or messages so I'll see if she really wants to learn on this upcoming Monday Funday.

I'm also really excited to work with various other girls from that crowd, including Sarah (Dutch's super-cool heart-throb ladyfriend) and Jackie and Emily, the two small blonde girls. I was talking with Jackie and mis-remembered something that Emily had said. Jackie gave me a "hey dumbass look into my eyes" face and said, "I'm the other little blonde." Rocked me back and cracked me the hell up. She's saucy, Jackie is. She's an English Literature graduate and I think she's eager to do lots of stunting as a hobby. Emily is also eager to stunt, as is Sarah. I'm excited to pick up some regulars!

At around 1 or 2, Aaron & Matt & Sarah & Dutch and I all hoofed it back to Dutch's place. It was a great night.

But I couldn't sleep; my calves and long leg muscles were cramping up like crazy. I thought I was gonna scream a few times. Damn.

I wish I had some pictures. Others took some; I know that the burning crate stunt was on film.

I'm really looking forward to the upcoming Funday. :)

Dilema: Hookin' up

Hard on the heels of my last blog rant, I find myself conflicted. It's how I usually find myself, so at least there's consistency to reassure me.

I'm in a tempting position. I'm an acrobat in a circus who performs frequently in makeup and costume that make me look all hot and non-dorky. I'm in excellent shape for anyone, and for a 37-year-old father of five I'm in incredible physical condition. Ugh, how arrogant... sorry, I'm trying to be accurate, not egotistical. *sigh* Any dude who reads this cannot help but hate me.

Anyway, I look younger than I am when I'm made-up. Plus I dye my hair and I'm in shape and I'm often costumed. I'm positioned to pick up a whole lot of gorgeous women as a result of all this. Gorgeous women frequently show an interest in me, and only years of dedicated practice have maintained my inability to be romantically aggressive.

Per my previous rant, I am dedicated to not indulging in this parade of female flesh, simply 'cause that's what it is: flesh.

But, here's my newest challenge: flesh is attached to people, and I dig people. I dig people a lot. I like meeting and getting to know new people. It happens frequently, among both genders, which I am egotistical enough to take as high praise. <18 names redacted> and surely more I'm not recalling from the last year or two.

Only two or three of those involved romance. One way to read that is that romance isn't a big factor in bonding to people.

Another way to read that is that I've not had much romance in the last two years. :)

Alex bonds strongly with a lot of people. He's remarked that his bonds typically fade quickly, too... though his bonds with Uli and I are designated not to do so. That means the world to me, by the way... thank you, Alex.

So do his bonds fade because they're romantic? More scientifically... do those bonds fade because libidinous bonding is less potent?

Anyway, it makes me wonder how much closer I'd be to I would be if I weren't such a prude.

Interesting tact for self-indulgent rationalization to take, eh? *sigh*

I'm wondering if my sexual hesitance isn't outdated. I know that I believe religiously it's wrong, but that isn't really my motivation for abstaining. I mean, I'm not abstaining from virtually anything at all for religious reasons while I'm Funseeking, so why would celibacy mean any more than it did when I was 17?

It's more because I've seen so much lust passed off as okay, that I'm concerned. And given my past, that's a pretty damn fair red flag.

So on Thursday night Aspen handed me a gorgeous, nubile fire dancer who's my age, and I leapt at the opportunity. Now I feel a tad ecstatic, a tad disgusted with myself, and a tad justified. I mean, for reals, this lady is hot and she really dug me as a dude well before she dug me as a lover.

That's a whole 'nother issue, though. My concern right now is that Thursday's damsel has birthed ... or perhaps simply unearthed ... the whole "why not be like Alex" temptation. I could smile and flirt (quietly; it's bad when I talk too much) and pick up all manner of delightsome womenfolk. One of them could adjust from Miss Right Now into Miss (Actual) Right. I mean, right? *sigh*

Again with the self-indulgent rationalization red flags.

If only there were such a thing as an unbiased outside opinion. But perhaps the internet could provide the facade of one. Hm.

Anyone who wants to should invite (and provide, of course) feedback into this odd version of a mid-life crisis. An anti-crisis, perhaps?... Hm. Smacks of O'bama. ;)

To flirt or not to flirt? That is the question here.

Rant: Hookin' up

The sweet irony of The Game. Hunting a potential partner, making clever social feints and dodges, balancing political affiliations and potential rivals... ah, what not fun for me.

I don't wanna play The Game. I don't like it and I never have. Even when I played it (back in High School, prior to microwaves, cell phones, school buses, the internet, cars, telephones, and the wheel) I didn't much like it. I've always played The Game best when I know I've got a great hand. IE, when the lady I'm interested in has made her reciprocal interest clear. Then I enjoy flirting and romancing and the excitement and anticipation of that first kiss and that first intimate experience.

But The Hunt... that part sucks. I don't wanna play that game anymore. So, I don't. And a direct consequence of that is that I don't hook up. While that's whine-worthy, it's not quite enough for a rant.

Then what is, the annoyed reader of my long-winded typistry might ask? Ah, if they happen to ask, they'll have to demonstrate a little more patience, for words are not something I cleave through lightly. I sprinkle them liberally and literarily (not 100% sure that's a for-reals word), hither and yon, like dancing and sparkling fairies de la noche.

Allow me to digress. Last Saturday night Kazum did two shows. Miranda was sick, so instead of the Lion Tamer it was just me & Uli doing All About Love. Still, it went smashingly. Lots of people telling us how cool it was... same old sunshine being slung. Appreciated and very heart-warming, absolutely! But afterward I found that the usually-intrusive afterparty was being sly and coy, unlike it's typical brazen self.

I found myself with several options. There was a huge drunken afterparty at the home of Nanda (participators in the Raunch show hosted by Splenduh the Unicorn. My buddy Matt was hanging out with his brand-new girlfriend that I've never met, and I was hoping to join forces with them in a wild night of funnery. Emily invited me to her barbeque (and Emily's parties are legendary). I had 2 or 3 other offers that looked way fun, as well.

But I ended up (predictably) hanging out with Anne. I have an enormous, mind-numbing crush on Anne. We're very good friends and a few weeks ago we spent the night together (no sex, just cuddling and kissy stuff). But the next night she met someone else, and she's been with him ever since. It's cool, and we hang out all the time, and I pine. It's my lot in life.

Anyway, I was with Anne and her ubercool sister Maria. Maria is my age, divorced, with 2 kids. I keep inviting her to join iHeart but she says, "Sounds like a hookup place. I don't need something like that." I try to explain that yeah, there are plenty here who are looking to hook up, but there are also a great many people here who ain't. But she remains unbudged. Anyway, Maria's way cool, just like Anne. They had 4 breathtaking girlfriends with them, which was a touch uncomfortable 'cause I don't know any of them. But, I was all spangled up in my performance costume and makeup, so I was okay. It's a huge facade that I get to hide behind during & after shows, before I have to put my Scott face back on and be the fairly boring & socially akward dork that is my secret identity.

I dig hanging out with people when I'm all spangly. They spend lots of time & effort on their clothes & makeup, and I just throw on a costume and some quick eyeliner and *pow* I look all special. Then I typically do flips, handstands, rolls, and lifts with anyone I can talk into climbing onto me. I was doing handstands at Ron Tom's, on East Burnside. Anne is a great wingman, since we both know her lips are off-limits to me until she's single again. So, she was trying to hook me up with one of the 4 gorgeous ladies. She went for the direct approach, with, "Scott, there are 6 beautiful women here who would love to talk with you... stand right-side up and come sit down." Caught me off guard, made me all shy & blushy. Then the bartender came over. I was expecting "You can't do handstands in the bar, drunk guy." Instead, he delivered, "Can you drink a beer upside-down?" It was a fascinating question that I've often pondered, but never answered. He and I answered it together. It was quite an experience.

So, eventually 3 of the 4 hot friends wandered off 'cause their night was ending. Melinda (I think) stayed; she's Maria's close friend. Those two went to a nearby Latin dance place while Anne and I hung out at the bar. Anne had been hitting on a (different) bartender. See, her lips are off limits to me but she is all about a quick fling with someone who's not someone she knows well. *sigh* That's good, but it still chafes like a 3-inch burr under my saddle blanket.

Anyway, while she dazzled the bartender a beautiful Asian lady came up to me and said, "I love your jacket!" My performance jacket that night was a sleeveless patchwork affair. (It's this jacket without Russ & Daniel beneath me.) I was delighted at the random friendliness from a stranger, and I began jabbering happily. She kept putting her hand on my arm and shoulder, and I realized that she might be hitting on me. When she broke away for a moment to talk to her friends I checked in with Anne - "Is she being friendly or hitting on me." Anne gave me a look that spoke reams. I can best summarize it as, "You really are retarded, aren't you? The whole 'does she like me thing' is for real, isn't it? You honestly can't tell. A woman could suck on your neck and whisper dirty suggestions in your ear and you'd wonder whether she was interested in you." But all she said in that precious half-second of communicatory time was, "Hitting on." But her eyes... oh, they spoke volumes.

I realized then what the topic of this rant actually is. (See, we got there!) I don't wanna hook up with random strangers. Beautiful Asian lady wasn't interested in Scott the single father dorky gamer poetry-spouting guitar-playing cat-owning advice-giving spammily-typing social Frankenstein's Monster. She was looking for shoulders, seductive eyes, a strong build, and male sex parts. The same things (gender-switched) that I'd be looking for if I were trying to hook up. But I don't want to rub body parts together to create mutually pleasurable friction. I want to connect and share emotion & intimacy & affection... and how in the world can you do that with someone you know virtually nothing about? She barely knew my name.

During another lull in the flirtation (she was flirting; I was just trying to stay afloat) I signalled to Anne with a thumb-across the windpipe motion. In mid-sentance Anne stopped getting chica's cell number and very politely excused us to go join Maria & Melinda. It was eerie how good Anne is... super-wingman. If only she wasn't the one I actually want to kiss. *irony-filled sigh of melodramatic melancholy* But honestly, it's very cool... Anne and I get to be very best friends and the no-sex thing keeps that viable. I like to hope that we'd survive romance... but I know for damn sure that we can survive friendship, most likely forever. So if it involves lip separation, I'm actually on board.

I'm just wistful.

Anyway, that's my rant: hooking up. Trying to bed a person who has as many desireable traits as possible. Boobs, butt, smile, eyes, etc. I'm so glad that I'm not caught up in that. As a performer, it'd be easy to be caught up in and if I were even remotely aggressive I'd have a dizzying array of nubile bodies to choose from. Oi, what a shallow and crass existence for me. I've seen others live it and it terrifies me.

Hm. 'Cept Alex. But he does it magically, in ways that real dudes cannot, so he doesn't count.

So... kudos to me for not hooking up with Asian hottie who wanted in my pants. Kudos to Anne for supporting the hookup and switching tactics midstream when I called her off. Kudos to Asian hottie for her exquisite taste in sleeveless dudes to hit on. And kudos to you, Dear Reader, for finishing this egocentric and far too wordy blog post.

Rant: Performers who don't want criticism

So this is something that's always blown me away. Lots and lots of performers (and thereby lots of performing groups) want to hear how neat they are, but they are ridiculously uninterested in hearing any form of criticism.

I learned about performing arts from my theater & music professor at Utah State University. Prior to professing he was trained on Broadway as a vocalist and performance pianist. He put on all kinds of college & community theater projects when my mom was in college and I was between 15 and 18, and then when I was in college for a few years after that. He was an excellent director who always listened closely to audience feedback in order to identify the weak points of the show.

By contrast, it often feels like a great many of the performers I work with in Portland are highly resistant to any form of critical feedback. They don't seem to want to hear anything "bad". Even worse, they often believe wholeheartedly in the "good" stuff that's more or less mandatory response after a performance. "That was so awesome!" "Wow, that's amazing!" "You guys are so incredible!" That's all very much appreciated... but it tells next to nothing about was done well or what can be improved. Beyond that, it tempts the performer to believe their own pizazz... which leads to arrogant, underskilled performers who have glaring Johari windows in their routines that everyone else can clearly see but they're blind to.

So, I try to recruit critical feedback. Our producer/director team are pretty good about succinctly listing positive & negative aspects of each new routine we present in their shows. But I have to keep them secret; if the other Kazumites knew where I was getting my info they'd be upset at 'em. *boggle* I've not found too many other open critics, but I'm still looking. Problem is, nobody really believes that a performer honestly wants critical feedback, so nobody's willing to offer any.

Strike that... Leapin' Louie Lichtenstein and Tommy Twimble both gave me some constructive criticism after I asked them, during the Alice in Wonderland show. They suggested trying to involve the audience more, and create stronger connections across the boundary between stage and crowd. I really appreciated that, and tried to incorporate it into the routines.

But that's about it, other than past members. Past members of Kazum are generally awesome about providing critical feedback. But often, they provide stuff we're already aware of. Technical points, mostly: the High Chair wobbled, Uli looks terrified during the throws, timing was off on the Stripper Pole synchronization, that sort of thing. Stuff we are putting attention into already. That's useful... but the "uneducated" viewpoint is usually much more helpful.

The flipside of this is that when I see other performers, I invariably see a bjillion things that they could probably clean up or try or improve or cut. But nobody wants to hear that... they want the sunshine blown up the tailpipe. *sigh* I'm going to what promises to be an awesome amateur theater show, but I get the clear impression that the people in charge are spectacularly uninterested in any feedback I might have after their show. So, I'll join the line of smiling handshakers, give my (genuine) praise and compliments, swallow anything potentially critical, and watch as easy-to-fix problems join easy-to-create missing opportunities, both swirling away.

The show is Bogville. It's on Friday at Mount Tabor Theater. The webpage surely has a link to the theater, showtimes, tickets, etc... but it's all so cluttered that I can't find any links. I'd like to give feedback to that effect... but see the title of this post for why that doesn't pan out so well. :)

Anyway, I keep trying to recruit critical advice from people who see Kazum perform, but it's like pulling teeth with a spoon. People keep smiling fiercely and insisting with nearly-convincing vehemence that "your-show-is-perfect-omygosh-nothing-could-be-improved!" *grinding teeth* Why is it so hard for so many to believe that I honestly wanna hear what's wrong instead of being pacified about what's right?

Okay, done ranting. I highly recommend Bogville! Should be a helluva show!

Post-show addendum:
It was a helluva show. But they needed to communicate a few things clearly to the audience:

Backstory - What is Bogville, how big, why does it exist?
Who is who - Identity & role was very vague for all but a few characters
Plot - What the hell is going on?
Clarity - Both dialogue and lyrics were almost unintelligable. Even if this is the fault of the sound system, it still cripples the plot.

I'd suggest a handbill with a paragraph of backstory and a one-line blurb of each main character. Either that, or more of Jay's illuminating poetic dialogue, which contains most of the more clearly-enunciated words in the production.

The costumes, acting, and music were spectacular! A bit slow at times, perhaps even boring here and there, but that was part of the ambiance of the performance style.

Okay, done with the unheard soapboxing. :)

Goodbye Gaelen

Well, Gaelen and I finally officially stopped dating. It's very sad, but it's remarkably friendly. That's about the best we could've hoped for, I think. She's really good at remaining friends with past partners, so I'm hoping that we can keep a friendship alive. I look forward to that, despite missing her terribly.

I think she'll probably start dating Ed pretty quickly. That's scary 'cause a rebound relationship is a bad way to start, plus I suspect he won't want her to see me. If so I'll honor that desire, though it'll break my heart to completely lose my friendship with her.

I have been wrestling with this situation for two weeks now. There's lots to say but none of it really needs to be said; I've worked through it with close friends, and with Gaelen. I'm really busy; big Kazum shows coming up over the next two weekends. So I'm mostly distracted from loneliness. Plus, the benefit of Gaelen not spending time at my place is that she's left no absence behind. I'm sure it's a lot more lonely for her, 'cause I was always at her place and now I'm not.

I'm really glad that we dated, and I'll always treasure the memories and the feelings that we created together. I hope that we can remain close.

I sure do miss her. But I've got lots to do, so I'm gonna go get started on some things. First, a new kitten - we lost Abu over the weekend and poor O'Malley is perishing miserably from loneliness. Me, too... I hate losing a pet.

So, I'm off to check out a 4-month-old kitten!

Kazum photo shoot w/ Andy Batt

Instead of practice yesterday we went to Andy Batt's studio and he shot bunches and bunches of pictures. It was great.

We've done a shoot with Andy before, when we were catering to silhouettes. This time we were costumed & made-up - Uli's makeup took over 3 hours. We're really excited about the pictures. I'll link up to some on my blog as soon as Andy puts some proofs up on the web.

Melissa came and helped us stay on track. She also gave us cues and feedback like, "Straighten your legs and point your toes" and "Arms up higher on the left." It was very useful 'cause the photographer is all wrapped up in shooting plus he doesn't know the stuff we do, and Melissa does.

It was great to see my hobbit. She's due in 2 months now and she's enormous (for Melissa). I held her in a cradle and I could certainly feel the ~30 lbs of extra weight. Keep in mind that Melissa is 90 lbs regularly, so 30 lbs is an increase of 1/3 her body weight.

We finally wrapped up at around 1:00 am. It was a long & gruelling shoot, but very enjoyable and exciting.

Today there were a bunch of complex adjustments waiting for me to make to the Invoice. *sigh* I like resolving tangles and I enjoy doing this stuff, but I'm kinda burned out on it. Yesterday was full of heavy intensity with Invoice stuff, too. I wanna put it to bed for another month.

Looking forward to my Benjaminions tonight. They'll wanna play games but I really want to do something active and more interdependant. Hm.

I responded to 2 iHeart posts today that triggered my sensitivities. One was a lady from IL who met a dude in CA and moved there to marry him. Almost immediately after getting pregant she divorced him and (here's the sensitive part) moved back to IL. So her son's growing up with minimal contact from his dad.

She got all kinds of kudos and support from iHeart folks, which is great! But I hate the way most online communities blow sunshine up the poster's arse. In an effort to be nice and friendly and supportive, people tend to reinforce the poster's viewpoint heavily, and support them in villainizing whomever they're venting about. I hate that dynamic. I think it sucks for people to hear nonstop "You did great and the other person is a shmuck." It makes me wonder how many kids don't see their parents because well-meaning folks who've only heard one side of a story posted a bunch of "good for you for moving!" posts. :(

The other post was similar. A guy with 2 kids in Colorado divorced his abusive wife, and moved to Oregon "to get away from her". Apparently she'd hound him ferociously if he stayed within easy parenting distance. *sigh* Methinks that's self-serving BS, personally. Even if it wasn't, though, the kids are more important and now they don't have a mother anymore 'cause dad felt entitled to put half a continent between them and their mother.

The purpose of his post was to ask for advice on fighting a custody battle across state lines. My advice to him was to stop fighting and move back to Colorado so that his kids can have 2 parents instead of 1. I doubt it'll be well received, but I do hope that it serves 2 purposes. #1, most importantly, I hope that it breaks through the "poor me she's so horrible she deserves whatever I do to her" thinking that utterly ignores the impact on the kids. #2, I hope that other readers might shake off the "everyone here is perfect but victimized" mentality that iHeart and nearly every other non-recovery-based forum subscribes to so heavily. That part ain't helping.

Okay, 'nuff blogging. Back to the Invoice.

Economic struggles

So many people are looking for work. People are getting laid off everywhere. It's pretty scary. Alex looked for work for 5 months in Portland and he simply couldn't find anything other than single-digit weekly hours at Hollywood Video... ridiculous. It's pretty scary stuff.

I don't pretend that I fully appreciate how scary it is - I've still got full-time employment. I'm in a precarious position, though. I bill the client each month and I'm keenly aware of how much they pay my company (who then pays me). The client has been downsizing and laying off. It wouldn't be very surprising if they laid off my position. My company would find another position for me... probably manning a phone somewhere. That's a horrible job, and it would include a serious pay-cut. Normally I wouldn't even consider working a phone, but things are pretty terrifying. Am I gonna be desperately hoping to get hired as a short-order cook or a gas-jockey in 2 months?

And yet, I can't help but be amazed at how overpriveliged everyone is that I see complaining about the job market. People smoke cigarrettes and drink beer while complaining loudly about how poor they are. We go out and pay for dinner at a restaurant so that we can whine about not being able to afford to eat. We're so used to a luxury-ridden lifestyle that we feel honestly impoverished when we can only afford the "bare minimums of survival" - things like a car with insurance, a nice place to live with internet & phone & cable, enough spare cash to go out to eat when we don't feel like making food from scratch. We buy drinks and smokes and go out with our friends. We live a lifestyle that's pampered and luxurious in a world where the average lifestyle is far below all but the truly poor Americans - the folk whom none of us actually know or associate with. We are convinced that our woes eclipse anyone else's woes - yet we can afford so much more than so many. It's eerie.

Part of me is glad that America's economy is tanking. I'm glad that people are actually learning what it means to not have enough. When people are forced to make sacrifices in order to meet their basic needs, they learn just how much they've been taking for granted for so long. I think that's wonderful. But I also think that we won't learn for long. If our economy bounces back so that we can afford almost anything we want, we'll quickly forget the lean times when we actually had to be strict with the money we blew.

Anyway, the moaning I hear is about "I can't afford to maintain my excessive and luxurious lifestyle" even though it's never actually presented that way. And while everyone's primary complaint is about how they can't afford as many luxuries as they used to afford... we're okay. Maybe it's best to let our economy continue to suffer.

But then I look at situations like Alex's. He earnestly & honestly looked for work for a really long time. He wasn't picky; he took what he could get. He worked as a video store clerk for months.

Still, he afforded whatever he wanted. Drinks, going out with friends to have fun, breakfast at a cafe whenever he felt the urge. Of course, he had money tucked away 'cause he's smart like that, plus his normal financial footprint is remarkably small. If he was a hand-to-mouth kind of person like most of us, he'd have been in serious financial dire straits.

I'm conflicted. I feel really bad for those who are struggling to make ends meet, even though "making ends meet" involves all kinds of luxury. At the same time, I'm disgusted by a society where "making ends meet" includes a well-tuned vehicle, dozens of square feet of living area, recreational chemicals, paying other people for the luxury of prepared food we don't have to clean up, cell phones, internet access, cable TV, and all of the other "basic necessities" that our society convinces us we're entitled to as a bottom-line standard of living.

I don't want to put my things in storage and live from my van again. I don't want to worry about taking care of my cats, how I'm going to visit my kids, and feel the mounting pressure of child support & student loan payments accumulating while I try to scrape together money for food. But I'm simultaneously amazed at how I can go out with friends and buy a few drinks and something to eat. And instead of saving money for a rainy day, I live hand-to-mouth, just like almost everyone else I know. We're so used to having a supply of money, that we can't seem to prepare for it to dry up even when we can see it drying up for others all around us.

One thing I've been really grateful for is that I don't have anyone to bail me out. I know a few people who claim to be experiencing terrible financial stress, but they have a parent or relative who will step in and pay for their vital things like rent or a car payment. They don't really have to be self-sufficient; when the really important things are threatened they know that someone else will save them. So they continue to spend money as they wish (cutting back here & there with much loud vocalizing about how much they're sacrificing) and then when "there just isn't enough left to pay for the important things" they call for help and they get bailed out.

I dislike that very much, and I hope I can avoid providing that for my kids & loved ones. I mean, I'll give people a place to crash, and I'll help them get on their feet. I simply won't give them money for that purpose. Giving money to people is a cruel thing to do. It never helps them - it simply bails them out and releases them from the obligation to take care of their own damn messes.

Despite having such snooty, lofty ideals, if my mom was wealthy I'd appeal to her frequently for money. I've got nowhere near enough self-control to limit my own reliance on others. That's why I'm glad nobody's around who can bail me out by throwing money at me. :)

Seattle Moisture Festival & Chautauqua Benefit

The weekend before last, we all piled into a rented minivan and drove up to Seattle.

Alex postponed moving until after the Seattle trip. Naia accompanied us as our makeup artist as well as Alex's main squeeze, and Daniel also accompanied us as our Kazum understudy. Miranda drove up separately because she was meeting her roommates in Canada after the performances.

After a grueling practice just before the weekend, one of the vertebrae in my lower back had slipped out of alignment. It was painful now & then, but mostly it simply made it so that I couldn't bear any kind of weight. We had to cancel our Clowns without Borders show on Friday night. :( I visited a chiropractor friend of Kazum's and he realigned it, but it slipped out again as I drove home. Alex put it back in that night, and again the next morning. As we drove it slid out again, and Alex put it back in once more. I was pretty worried 'cause if it wasn't okay, I couldn't perform at all and the whole trip would be pointless.

One of our contacts from the Seattle Zoo festival is named Jake. He was dating our other contact (Leslie) but she's since moved to the east coast. That's good; I had a major crush on her and it was nice not to have to deal with that. Jake's a great guy and he opened his house to us. Well, his landlord's house, but still.

We had an evening practice and my back felt pretty okay. It didn't act up the whole rest of the weekend, which was awesome.

On Saturday night we assembled at Hale's Palladium for the show. It's a converted warehouse attached to a brewery, which is a pretty darn cool venue. There were lots of people there, including the delightfully skilled duo Ricochet, who we had seen at OCF. Cohdi sat and chatted with us for a while. He's an aerialist, meaning that he's in exquisite shape. Laura, his partner, didn't hang out with us but I think she's just not particularly outgoing. She wasn't stand-offish or anything. They do some of the best theatrical performing I've seen, with wonderful facial expressions, gestures and body language. Their show was spectacular.

It was fun to hang around with the performers, though I felt a bit like an outsider 'cause I knew so few of them. But the routine went very well, nobody got hurt, and we had a delightful show.

Gaelen was having a really tough time at home, though... she was really lonely and sad 'cause Alex had moved out and was gonna head straight to southern Oregon upon his return. I was tied up with performance stuff so I couldn't really talk to her much. But she got through it.

After the show Jake and his landlord (Bart) took us out on the town. We filled up the first bar that we tried, but fit more comfortably in the 2nd. Both Miranda & Uli agreed to some simple stunting at the bar, which was much fun. When the place closed down at 2 am, Jake and Bart invited us to their warehouse that they'd converted into a modern-day forge. I jogged to the forge and hung out atop some train cars out front, which I've always wanted to do. Everybody reconvened and the party continued.

The workshop was filled with fascinating things, including a 20-ton punch press that Bart used to flatten and shape hot metal. I used to run a 40-ton punch press at ProForm in Logan, and it was nostalgic to see the huge prehistoric green bulk.

Miranda found cool headgear, and we all decked ourselves out a fair bit with the stuff that was lying around the shop. Russ had a vicious-looking Samurai headpiece that he mocked with goofy faces the way he's fated to do. We all grabbed various props and posed as Naia took many pictures of us posing all around the forge area. I have a CD of pics; I need to get them uploaded.

Since Bart had seen us perform and I assured him I was familiar with the equipment, he let me and Alex climb up on the punch press for pictures. It was way fun. We did some stunting pics, too. There were some unposed pictures that were adorable as well. I held Miranda in a stand for way too long, leaving my arms numb & weak so that when I shrugged her down she hit too hard... it was lame. But she was okay quickly, which I'm very happy about.

Jake and Bart were pretty excited to have fancy-makeup'd acrobats pulling an impromptu photo shoot in their forge. I could tell that Jake was into Miranda & Uli and I was pulling for him (with Miranda, who's available) but I didn't want to flub things up by trying to be a wingman. So I (mostly) didn't say or do anything to "help" him.

We all went back to the house and piled into various beds. Daniel & I got up early in the morning and got breakfast makings. We tried to produce scrambled eggs, toast & veggies, but it wasn't as well executed as we'd hoped. Alex got up and mostly saved us, and everyone was very appreciative, but me & Daniel aren't the best choices for producing yummy food that everyone likes.

Then we relocated back to the venue for the Chautauqua benefit show. Again, the show went very well and it was delightful to hang around with the other performers. Russ & Daniel hooked up with some pals to go to a dance event, and we dropped Miranda off at the house where Jake had (quite eagerly) volunteered to let her crash another night before heading north. I hope that she hooked up with Jake, but when I've asked her about she's been (predictably) quite close-mouthed. *snort* I'll find out. Oh, yes.

Then those of us who remained (Naia, Uli, Alex and I) drove back to Portland. Well, first Alex had the ego-crunching experience of accidentally letting the van drift into a parking sign as we pulled out of the venue's parking spot. The driver's-side front quarter-panel crumpled like tin foil. But our insurance covered it. I felt bad for Alex, though.

It was a great way to spend Alex's last weekend in Portland. It was sad to bid him farewell but we've had weeks to prepare for his absence and we'll be okay. I sure miss him, though. Especially at Gaelen's place. The lack of his presence is keenly felt, there.

As I write about the trip I feel lots of nostalgia. It was our last event with Alex as part of Kazum, and my last few hours spent with my best friend. But I can't help but feel more happy than sad. :)

March Fourth Birthday Bash

I love this show. It's the show where I first stepped on stage with Kazum, in 2007's birthday bash. In 2008 we stomped and danced hard enough to drive a stage-support through the floor of the Crystal Ballroom. And in 2009 we threw a raucous show that evolved into a crazed afterparty that rivaled the New Year's party. That's saying something.

We did a matinee on Sunday (Wednesday was 3/4). Kazum performed "Comes Love" in the noon matinee, and it was a good show. Then I hung around and watched the 4:00 show, which was also very good despite its lack of Kazum. Nanda was there, instead, and their set was delightful. Near the end Chen begins whaling on John Averill, then the other Nanda guys jump in against the drumline, but the M4 drummers beat Nanda down and stab them to a gruesome death with their drumsticks. I got a little choked up.

I got to hang around and watch the whole second matinee performance, which was a rare treat. I saw Scarlett dance... she's absolutely incredible. I saw a bunch more of the M4 dancing & stilting. It's been a year or more since I've caught more than a backstage glimpse of an M4 show. They're amazing. They had a short-term dude dancer - Oberon - who's a little taller than I am, but built like Alex. He was incredible, and he seemed a great fellow. I got to hang around and talk with Eros, who I met at LiB last year. He's one of the best stilters I've known, and he's an amazing guy as well. I hung out with him for quite a spell at the afterparty, when he's about as normal and unremarkable as one could imagine.

I also stopped by on Tuesday afer practice and caught quite a bit of the show, though we weren't performing or anything. I was supposed to be working on the Kazum stickers with Miranda & Uli, {whine}but they ditched me and never called back, so I guess I get whatever they come up with.{/whine} I did get to hold Aspen on my shoulders as he drummed, and carry Amy around in a Chair, which we've not done for many months.

On Wednesday the fourth we had the big birthday bash. It was wild & crazy. Gaelen was there, which was awesome! She doesn't usually want to go to fun things, for some reason, but she made a special effort for the M4 show. The show was really exciting, and it turned out well overall. Miranda & I missed our walkup, which killed our Cupie. :( And the ass-catch overthrew (which I should've anticipated) and it was an assisted landing rather than a catch-and-cradle. Still, overall, things were spectacular. As the final number built to a frenzied climax Gaelen had a horrible experience on the dance floor with overly-amorous drunken bastards. It really hit her hard and utterly ruined her evening. It was horrible timing, 'cause I was trying to stay alert for people telling me where to go for the final number. Plus it was so loud that I couldn't hear Gaelen at all, I could just see that she was upset but I didn't know why. I ducked out as soon as I could, leaving the wild raging beginnings of the afterparty with Gaelen. I left to take her home but she went home on her own instead. I took some time to calm myself from the whole ordeal, then I moseyed back to the now-in-transition afterparty.

It relocated to one of the M4 guys' house, which was a spectacular party house. There was an amazing music room downstairs, plus a pull-out bed that hosted quite a tangled mess of cuddling & kissing bodies. It wasn't as lecherous as it sounds, but it was pretty wild & crazy. I spent a lot of time in the backyard by the fireplace as light rain fell, talking with Eros & others. There were a lot of fascinating people wandering about, some of whom I knew and most of whom I either didn't know, or I've met but I don't remember. I re-met Kyle, whom I don't remember talking to my kids about (but I talk about my kids to a lot of people). I bumped into Rictor the photographer a few times. I stunted (an arabesque) with LaTisha. Claire (one of Alex's good friends) tried to make out with me, which was adorable, but even though Alex insists she's an adult I perceive her as about 12 years old. She & her gorgeous young roommate Mika were entirely occupied with the love-nest until becoming a portion of the chosen ones who relocated to a more private location for all manner of debauchery.

But that happened elsewhere. At the house party there was drinking & laughter & talking until the sun arose. I helped a new friend (Lila, I believe?) clean up quite a bit, then I gave another new friend (Andy, I think?) a ride home on my way to work.

The nightmare Gaelen went through was horrible, but other than that the evening and the event were spectacularly successful! It was one more in a crazy string of "Best Nights of my Life to-date" for Alex (who participated holehardedly in the more private after-after-party celebration). After listening to a handful of his stories I have to join him in opining that it's not likely he'll ever top that night.

I find it odd that I'm not jealous. Very encouraging, and a relief. I'd so much rather have kids than recurring nights of hedonistic satiation. That ain't good for me. Maybe Alex will get different results; I hope so. He seems to be truckin' along pretty well, and he's a pretty amazing dude so maybe he's got a shot at something I never did.

So why do I feel worry more than I feel happy for him? *shrug*

Kazum may do a show with Alex's group (The Hades Ladies) in San Diego, this October. That'd be way cool. He's leaving in 2 weeks and I don't know what I'll do when that happens. It's been really wonderful having a best friend for the last 6-8 months or so. *mopey sigh*

Cirque L'Amour

Cirque L'Amour @ the Bossanova!

Join us for a romantic dinner & circus show tailor made for couples on Valentine's Day weekend. Each ticket is good for a guaranteed seat at one of our tables or booths in the main ballroom, a four-course gourmet meal. Our show is an adaptation of Charlie Chaplin's "The Circus" with corporal mime Tommy Twimble portraying the hapless Tramp as he stumbles in and out of love and stardom. A live musical score from vintage jazz sextet The Stolen Sweets and their telepathic 3-part vocal harmonies backs up astounding performances from AWOL Dance Collective, Kazum, Reed McClintock, Night Flight, and Leapin' Louie Lichtenstein and more.

The Bossanova Ballroom & Supper Club - 722 E Burnside Portland, OR

Tickets: $76-$122

21 & Over

Seating at 6pm

We've been practicing for this show pretty hard, much like we did for the White Album Christmas Show. We had quite a blowout at a dress rehearsal before the show. I ain't gonna dredge that back up here & now but I went into Friday the 13th's Valentine show pretty stressed. But things with Gaelen were really good and that helped a lot, plus at practice the night before we'd talked through the rehearsal-crash. So by the time it was time to get in costume & makeup, I was mostly bored and reading a book. Edenborn; Alex loaned it to me. Excellent read.

My esteem's risen for the boy.

There was pretty much zero stress for makeup & costume. I hung out in the drywalled, ice-house-style unfinished basement that aspires to be the Bossanova's Greenroom. I like it, but most find it too frigid & severe. That's 'cause it is, I suppose.

I still like it.

Friday night's show was exciting. It was a pretty darn good show. There were a few wobbles here and there. Alex's foot had to touch down briefly, once, speedy-quick, on the turning crabstack. But that ain't too shabby for our first performance of Lion Tamer with 50% new cast. Miranda & I nailed our levers all 3 nights, which was excellent. And the final pose gets as much or more appreciation than Zac's much-more-difficult handstand on arched backs. I can't believe that the Lion Tamer turned out so well. Aw, here's me & Zac as Lions. It still feels really goofy in practice. Alex watched video clips of lions. Dumb brown-nosing practicer. Catering to the audience's petty whim. "Look how that cute sexy tattooed one looks like a real lion!"

So, I'm gonna be watching Discovery Channel when I can, and practicing in front of the mirror when nobody else is around. Except Gaelen. I'll pounce on her. And she never reads my blog, so she won't know I'm gonna.

The Lion Tamer went splendiferously except that on Saturday night we dropped it. Miranda said it felt like she slipped off our knees. That's lame, but it's better than just dropping it 'cause we suck. :) On Sunday night we chalked our knees. Plus we drilled it before the show once. I like doing that.

The number we perform to is Comes Love, by the Stolen Sweets. Noah was the guest singer; he did a bang-up job. Even on Sunday night when his voice was gone and he was drunk as hell. Love that guy. His greeting to all dudes at the after-party was a pretty convincingly earnest knee to the groin. Alex & I both dodged & blocked. He's got years of kung-fu training. I have 5 kids. Children have the most amazing knack for short-range nearly-impossible-to-predict high-powered unintentional jabs to the gonads.

Comes Love went flawlessly. There are a few tense tricks; nothing as scary as the triple-based extension or as hit-and-miss as a cupie. Also nothing as spectacular as a basket toss (even if it is just a toe-touch). Heh... I just emailed Kazum and asked if we can practice at Naydenov's. We should be throwing at least back tucks & front pikes in basket tosses.

I wanna see footage of Comes Love. We double-base extend Scarlett on stilts and I'm really curious to see how that looks. Plus we did two awesome adagio toss-catches, and I'd love to see those in full regalia.

It's kinda weird; I don't ever get to see the full effect of how neat a Kazum show might be, 'cause I'm always in 'em now. I used to watch them a lot but now I've crossed the sidelines into the limelight.

Ooh, performing for Rush would kick arse.

I got to hang out with the other performers a fair bit at this show. Leapin' Louie is way cool but I get the feeling he misreads me somehow. He only ever sees FunScott, though, so why wouldn't he? The Bellini Twins are really amazing and inspiring. Russ is an incredible dancer! After Friday night's show there was a swing dance activity and he & Susan tore it up like nothing I've ever seen. There was a lot of incredible dancing there. Daniel & Karen dance together with extraordinary grace and beauty. On Sunday night Russ was doing a weird parody of graceful dancing with Noah, who wasn't able to be his loud & raucous self and instead had to be quiet & raucous.

The AWOL girls were, as expected, extraordinary. One of their ranks, young Paulina, was the star of the show and the belle of the ball. Alex cares nothing for the fact that she's 12 or so. (Maybe like 18, but for sure not legal to drink yet.) He's a cradle robber pedophile who's going to a special level of hell. She picked up dancing & stunting with amazing flair, and she & Russ really stole the show. I got to speak a few sentences here & there with the other AWOL ladies but they surely see me as Creepy Old Dude and I've no reason to disabuse them of that notion. I feel self-conscious already when Emily or Io or Uli or Miranda are all excited to see me. At least, I do when other people are making the WTF face, heh.

Makeup was Robert, oft with his love Rene. I got to talk with Rene for a bit, and she's a really neat lady. She's an empath and an astrologer. I'd love to talk with her about such things and gorge my fascination.

I spent quite a bit of really quality time with Robert on the porch of Emily's Amazing Afterparty in the Hizz'ouse. He's a cool dude. I can't wait to hang out with him a bit at the Alice in Wonderland show in April. Ugh, Miranda might not be able to do that one, which would be such a tragedy.

Naia did costumes and IMO she did 'em pretty damn well. I hung out with her a bit on Monday with Alex while Gaelen slept. I love Naia.

Andy was Stage Manager and he did a fine job of it. Sophia was his beautiful sidekick. She wears a tail, apparently 24-7. It's pretty cool. 'Specially all things considered. She's adorable: innocent in a way but fierce as a wildcat at the same time. Young, though... a little too old for me to convince myself she's 12, but borderline. She & Gaelen have a thing. Pretty hot. But also a bit scary. I'll cope somehow.

The Stolen Sweets are incredible. The 3 vocalist ladies sing like bells. Jason Wells is Jason Wells; 'nuff said. That guy emits music from his pores. The chellist, Keith, seems a really cool guy. Emily recommended him strongly, which carries much weight. The whole group was incredible, and the ladies were breathtaking. Alex set his sights on Laura, who led him on quite entreatingly until her ex showed up and re-engaged her to Alex's chagrin. I myself was delighted, of course. :) I traded a few words with Erin and Jen, which is tough for me to do when a lady's gorgeous. I just smiled retardedly around Laura, sticking to my SOP. Luckily, this plays well into the Creepy Old Guy thing. Always a good thing. *sigh*

There were no accidents, no drops (other than the crab stack and one drop ain't too shabby) and no major crises. The show went remarkably smoothly and it was a real delight. Noah's hoarse voice combined on Sunday night with his intoxication due to drinks from the sound booth, and the resulting ambiance was gritty, funny and as entertaining as a firecracker in a chicken's arse used to be to a colder-hearted crowd. Closing night was incredible. The numbers were vibrant, the crowd was hopped up on ambiance, and the whole place just lit up all night long. Thunderous applause, amazing feats, terrifying lions... it was a night to remember.

To celebrate, we pounded our minds with alcohol and wanton debauchery. It was as bad as I've ever seen it get. I've not heard and smelt such things in years, either. At one point, an audience member who'd stayed late asked me, "Do all Wanderlust last shows degerate into drunken orgies?" I didn't have to recall too many incidents before nodding happily. But then I had to go pull Emily out of the manpile Tobi had instigated on herself.

It was a wonderful show with a ridiculously loud finish. I don't know if I'll be quite so engaged at the next one but I hope it's all this one was and more. It better be, 'cause it'll be Alex's last. *sigh*

I love Kazum. I love running off at night to join the circus. I love Gaelen, and I love Alex, and I love Uli, and I love Miranda, and I love Russ. I love Scarlett and Naia and I like everybody else lots and lots. I can't believe I get to do this, and that I get to do it with such excellent and amazing folk. I hope that the audience gets a fraction of the excitement that we feel in performing. What an amazing experience this is!

Back to crunching numbers. :) It helps keep me sane. Some people live the party-life 24-7. I can't even imagine. I can't wait to see my kids in an hour.

My Mom

I was raised by a single mom. She happens to be the best mother in the world, and my sister concurs. We're pretty sure we're unbiased. Mom's simply an angel.

Mom stayed married to dad until I was 15 and my sister was 10. Dad cheated on mom constantly with a never-ending stream of women. He gave her lots of STDs. In some ways he was a great man, but morally he was a snake. Mom dealt with this for her children; she wanted us to grow up as a family. And, we did.

Dad lived & worked in the city, 2 hours away. We lived in the country and he visited us on weekends. Although mom & dad were technically married, dad was around less than the average non-custodial divorced father. So even though mom was technically married until I was 15, she raised us as a single mother all of our lives.

When mom finally divorced dad, she moved us to a college town where she worked her way through school while dealing with being a single mother to a teenage son and a pre-teen daughter. Dad never paid a penny of child support; she took care of us on her own while working part-time and being a full-time student. I cannot conceive of how she did this while retaining her sanity, but she did it. Like I said, she's the best mom in the entire world.

There are lots of accomplishments that I could list for my mom. But what I think made her great can be condensed a bit.

She put her kids first, always. She sacrificed everything she could sacrifice without losing herself - fidelity in marriage being the most amazing sacrifice that I saw. She sacrificed arguing with dad; I only ever once saw them fight. That's because both of them made it a high priority to keep their conflicts away from their kids' awareness. She sacrificed happiness gained from a romantic relationship. She sacrificed oceans of time and energy.

Mom gave up all kinds of things, but I believe they were repaid by the purest adoration kids have ever bestowed upon a mother. I think she's satisfied with what she offered up, and I know that my sister and I are more grateful than we can possibly express. Mom gave us a wonderful life that was absolutely saturated with her presence. She gave us nurturing and love even though she didn't have a source to replenish it. I have no doubt that her faith in God enabled her to draw from reserves that would have been otherwise unavailable to her.

One of the things I most love about my mom is her music. She loved to sing; she sang in every choir she could find. When she wasn't singing she whistled, or hummed. It was rare to be in mom's presence without music being present. She brightened lives around her with her music and she shaped our world.

I love my mom fiercely; almost as much as I love my kids. Very nearly every good thing about me came directly from her. She walked a terribly lonely road while putting her kids first, and I'm really happy to be eternally in her debt. The only payments I can make against that debt is to be the best dad I can be to her grandchildren.

Hypocrisy: The story of my life

Last night Kazum performed at the inauguration of Sam Adams as Portland's major. He's the first openly gay mayor in America. There was lots of press coverage and a great deal of support from gay/lesbian/queer community and liberal folk, of course. And that's totally appropriate.

As I arrived at 5:00, March Fourth Marching Band was setting up. They're awesome, and one of their drummers (Aspen) is Uli's boyfriend. I love him very much, and I like all of the band members (there are 30 or so). They're big & loud & flambouyant and extremely liberal. It's awesome. Anyway, I was obviously there to perform, and I was baskin in the giddy happiness despite being sad about the event itself. I'm a conservative parent who firmly believes in the LDS gospel; a rabidly-liberal mayor makes Portland a much worse city from my perspective. I'm not protesting or anything, but I certainly wasn't there to show support. I was just there to perform, as well as to enable the rest of my group to perform. They were probably there partly to show support. But I wasn't... yet I was there. Hence the hypocrisy.

A nice little gay man with AIDS picked me out for some reason to gush effusively about how neat this was and how the world was finally accepting gays, and he went on and on for about 10 minutes. It was fine; I love people and I was okay with listening to him. He obviously assumed I held the same beliefs, and why wouldn't he? I was there, after all. It was just ironic and amusing that of all the people there he picked the one person who absolutely did not support the event's underlying celebratory nature. It was enjoyable to receive his happiness but it was bothersome because I powerfully disagree with the events he was so pleased about.

So, we performed and the show was awesome. I toe-pitched Alex higher than we ever have achieved, and Russ & I threw Miranda in a basket-toss that would've scraped the ceiling of almost any other venue. Luckily, city hall has a 200-foot-high ceiling. Uli & I did "All About Love" afterward since Trashcan Joe was performing. Again, it was awesome. An adorable little 4-year-old girl named Omi came up and said that she liked our show, and I talked with her for a few minutes as her eyes sparkled. Her mom was quite pleased, and more than a little shocked to find out that I have 5 kids of my own. I tossed her in the air and she crowed about how her dad did that too. She ran over to have him toss her and I was glad I hadn't thrown her very high; I would've felt lousy about upstaging dad, and I didn't even realize dad was there. Kazum gets a lot of adoration from kids, and I thrive on it. I also had an older (60ish) lady come up and go on at length about how neat we were and how much joy we bring, and how our performance was magical. It was awesome. It always makes me wish I could explain that while watching it is surely fun, it's so amazingly exciting to do it!

Back to the topic, sorry.

I've tried really hard for the last 10 years or so to be honest about my choices. Instead of rationalizing something 'cause I'm doing it, I maintain my insistence that it's wrong even though I do it. Drinking, smoking, swearing, having sex without being married - these are my primary vices. I've noticed that nearly every person I've ever known is careful to justify their vices. If they can't seem to stop doing it, they rationalize it away or simply refuse to admit that it's a vice. That's way more comfortable than honestly succumbing to vice. My older boys' mom is better at it than most; she completely rewrote her ethical outlook based entirely upon her own desires. THAT, to me, is hypocrisy.

But it's also hypocritical to say one thing and do another. The obvious solution is to do what we say. In many ways I'm able to do that. In ways that involve my "pet vices" I'm not able to do that. I was born with extreme weakness to appetites, and I've cultivated that into a chink in my ethical armor that's big enough to shove an entire devil through. I used to maintain that if I could change anything about myself I'd change that... but then I thought it through and decided that miraculous changes are worthless. I hope very much to someday turn my weaknesses into strengths, but I hope to do it through work, willpower, learning, humility, reliance upon others, etc. Magical cures rob us of incredible potential growth.

I hate modeling hypocrisy. My friends assume that my beliefs are shallow and fleeting; holdovers from being raised in a culture that doesn't cater to hedonism. They're honestly puzzled when I insist that I hold values that conflict drastically with my behaviors. Most people are. But, I believe that most people rewrite their morality according to their wants. Enjoy money?... simply define greed & envy as a desire for self-betterment. Turn it from a vice into a noble trait. Big on pride?... call out the good effects that can accompany pride, while minimizing the deadly impacts of pride. Enslaved to lust?... call it love and laud yourself as a giving person whose affection simply cannot be restricted to just one person. Etc.

Instead, I do my honest best to maintain a clear perspective even though I frequently shatter my own belief system. And then I try not to make excuses for the shattering. People often tell me, "You're a great guy, don't worry about it so much!" That's a very tempting way to avoid responsibility for ethical failures. Mostly 'cause it gives the illusion of absolving us of guilt. But I don't think it really does; most people who vehemently insist that they're totally fine with their ethics are actually pretty torn up about it, and it shows despite their attempts to convince themselves and others.

Instead, I'm torn up about the hypocrisy. Part of it is cultural; society demands that we do what we say we believe in doing. That's a great demand and I support it wholeheartedly. But when we "can't" live up to our ideals we're faced with a choice:

#1: Live up to our ideals. Keep trying harder. Win. This is the best choice. It's also a choice I've been reliably poor at making. There are a lot of people who reliably choose #1. However, I firmly believe that most people who claim to chose #1 are really choosing #2, below.
#2: Redefine our ideals as a way of accomplishing #1. If our ideals lower, they're way easier to live up to. This is what most people do, and then claim to be living up to their ideals.
#3: Maintain our ideals while failing to live up to them. *sigh* So far, it's just me who does this one. Well, I've heard of a few people who do this. But I've never met anyone who does.

Should I jump on the bandwagon and adopt option #2? Ugh, no, everything within me rejects that proposal.

Should I keep aiming for #1, and reliably failing? Ugh, yuck, sucky, *pbbbbbbt*.

So how do I actually choose #1 reliably? Therapy? Done it for years and years and years. Motivation for another person? If my kids aren't enough to motivate me, then there ain't nobody out there who is. Learning all about why I choose what I choose? I've spent enormous quantities of time & effort here, and they've certainly helped. I'll keep doing this one for sure.

What else? Marshall my willpower yet again? Another "This time I mean it?" How do I make such an audacious claim without laughing at myself? Why would I believe me? That's like an alcoholic who throws away his bottle and tearfully insists for the 1,000th time: "Never again!"

Plus, upsetting my vice-balance often means that one vice gains tremendous power. The past culprits have been funseeking, gaming, and wimmen. (In reverse order.) But I'm not ruling out alcohol; anyone who learns to medicate emotions through compulsive behavior is a poster-child for chemical addiction. I'd actually prefer chemical addiction to the others, but everything I've learned indicates that chemical addiction stacks with other addictions. Switching to alcoholism is an attractive option. Adding alcoholism is not attractive in the slightest way.

So, I embrace hypocrisy. Well-wishers often advise me, "Just don't succumb to vice anymore." That's great advice, but it's also largely without practical application. If I could figure out how to do that reliably, I'd be a much better person, and I'd already have done it.

Yay, hypocrisy! *sigh*

Happy New Year!

It was a spectacular New Year celebration. Probably the best I've ever experienced, despite some sad parts.

The sad part was preordained. Gaelen doesn't like the usage of chemicals that alter behaviors or thinking. I myself do like such usage now & then, though I also believe firmly that they're wrong and shouldn't be used... hypocrisy is my life. Anyway, when we first started dating she explained her feelings and I thought about it and decided to change my behaviors for her. I was okay with that until I found out that Zac was coming back into town and everyone in Kazum was planning to have a big amazing fun afterparty following our New Year performance.

I brought it up with Gaelen and asked for more explanation so that I could make choices I didn't want to make for her benefit without being consumed with bitterness and resentment. She clarified her position and explained that she wasn't gonna be all tore up over it, though she'd be disappointed and upset. But she'd get over it.

This redistributed the negativity for the conflict a bit more equitably, meaning that I'd still be feeling sad about her being upset, but I wouldn't be burdened with the full negative emotions arising from her sensitivity to the behavior. In other words... we'd both suffer (her more than me) instead of me being the only one to suffer, about her desire that I not do something.

But as New Year's Eve approached she became increasingly morose about it. Not just because I'd be off doing whatever, but because it meant we couldn't spend New Year's Eve together. I totally understand that; it's absolutely miserable going to a party with someone who's planning to end up doing something you hate.

So, Wednesday passed with Gaelen feeling abandoned and sad, while I was ramping up for a performance and an afterparty with Zac & crew. I felt sad 'cause Gaelen was sad but I also took care not to let her upset ruin my night. That's not only stupid but it also breeds resentment, which is one of the most poisonous emotions to introduce into a relationship of any kind.

Uli & I met at the Egg for a run-through of All About Love before the show. It went spectacularly, as expected; it's an easy and simple routine despite it being exciting and fun. Then we schlepped our mat over to the venue. I got a superb parking spot 1/2 a block away, which never happens! Bonus!

The venue is one we've performed in before, but it's been improved remarkably since last time. It was pretty cool. The staff was wonderful! The Green Room was a narrow, bent hallway with lots of junk stored in it; that sucked but it's just the way it goes. And actually it was plenty adequate for our needs. We were downstairs at the Rotture; an overhauled warehouse near the riverfront.

There weren't very many people at 9:00, when Trashcan Joe went on. Miranda & Alex got there before we went on, but nobody else we knew was there yet by the time Uli & I performed at about 9:30. It went well, though the performance space was pretty cramped. Alex said that my facials were pretty good, which was encouraging.

Then everyone else started showing up. Noah & Creature wandered in with their assorted wimmen. I always enjoy seeing those two and they're less careful about not being seen in my presence, lately. Not sure if I'm cooler now or if they're just less concerned about it. Hopefully the latter. It doesn't bug me, really, except that I feel bad for 'em because I like them. I also saw Cherry, who's been increasingly less standoffish. She still odds me out a lot 'cause I think our core beliefs about many things are drastically different... but that's much more fascinating to me than it is scary. Maybe some day she'll be comfortable enough and undisgusted enough that we can talk about stuff. Dunno. Doesn't really matter, 'cept that I think about her & Creature & Noah more than I think about any of the "Kazum outer circle" people. I'm really not sure why... I don't think about Naia nearly as much as I do those three, and I'm totally comfortable with Naia. Maybe that's why.

Anyway, I earnestly enjoy seeing Noah & Creature & crew and it was wonderful that they were there. I honestly do think I'm growing on 'em. Like fungus, maybe, or like a subtle STD.

As our performance time (10:00) approached, we were becoming increasingly concerned about Russ' absence. We'd choreographed a bunch of stunt sequences and pyramids that rely on him, although it's not as serious as having something like Planet Claire or Birthday or Piggies that simply cannot be performed without one of the members. He didn't show up at all, all night long. He didn't even call any of us. A no-call no-show for a show is probably grounds for immediate dismissal; it's rare to find a job that doesn't abide by such a policy. And Russ has done the no-call no-show before. Are we being stupid for not just cutting him?

I don't think so. I think that he's honestly excited about being part of Kazum. I think that he enjoys what we do very much. He's absolutely wonderful at it; he's a great base and a pretty good spotter. He's spectacular to work with at almost all times. I like him, I respect him, and I love him. But if we'd required his presence to perform, then Kazum would have blown off a big venue last night. Not only do we not get paid when we do that, but every person who shows up has wasted their night and all practice time spent on the event. But the worst cost is that the producers of the show would have to be complete fools or terribly desperate, to hire Kazum ever again. When a performing entity flakes out the night of the performance, people hear about it and spread the word and pretty soon nobody is interested in hiring that group anymore.

Despite the lack of 1/5 of the group, we did an amazing job. We threw random stunts and some simple sequences, and Uli & I ran through All About Love again. We did toe-pitches and libs and cupies and a three-headed dragon and all manner of delightful stuntery. It was not only fun & exciting to watch, but it was absolutely wonderful to perform. Even better, Zac got to cycle in frequently. At one point he announced that his chemical vowel had kicked in enough that he wasn't safe to do stunts with anyone but me... aw! Zac being safe! It was a little eerie! Plus, it was way cool that he and I can stunt safely regardless of mind alterations. We've practiced both our physical skills and our skills of judgment under such conditions. He always pushes boundaries; he is, after all, Zac. But together we're pretty impressively safe. Kudos to Melissa for her contributions to that!

After our hour of performance we were off the hook, so everyone but me got into their party clothes. I kept my performance clothes; they're way cooler than anything else I own plus I feel less self-conscious when I'm fancied-up as a performer instead of trying to have fun under my alter ego as UberDork.

I also don't have to worry quite as much about ruining others' enjoyment when the UberDork gloms on to them in a humiliating fashion. Everyone outside of the core Kazum group is pretty darn conscious of societal pressures to only hang out with the cool kids, and Alex & Miranda are at least somewhat conscious of it despite accepting me regardless. Uli honestly doesn't let herself care; she doesn't shun me because of my refutation of society's dictation of fashion. It bothers her... it bothers her a lot. It bothers all of 'em, bless their hearts. :) But Uli's simply amazing at setting that aside and not treating me any different no matter what I look like or what I say. It's one of her most admirable traits.

We all went back into the Green Room (aka "narrow twisty storage hallway") and took the steps required to put some ecstatic fun into our evenings. They also all put on party clothing. Then we moseyed back out into the celebration.

When Zac feels ecstatic, he shows it. Boy, does he. Alex has been going off about how showy Zac's ecstacy was. Zac's lower jaw juts forward and he gets this feral gleam in his eyes, which get all large and sharklike. It's not freakish or ugly or anything... it's just very odd and pronounced. His attention fragments easily at all times, but at times like last night it's even more fragile. When he's completely normal he can at best claim a few meager whisps of good judgment, but last night those were blown away like cottonwood fluff in a hurricane.

I stunted here and there with Zac & Alex, and carried the girls through the crowd in angels or other stunts now & then. It was really fun. There's something magical about a party where you have the ability to toss people around impressively. Alex and I lifted several girls in basic, simple stunts. One girl (Barr) was from Israel. She was jaw-clenchingly attractive, but since I was in my element I was able to talk with her without melting. There were actually a great many gorgeous women that I got to hang out with and massage and stroke their skin & hair... it was a very friendly, happy party. And I wasn't at all influenced by lust; I was feeling loving & open but not at all horny. At one point someone mentioned, "Man you've got a tough life" and it cracked me up. I get to entertain and bask in the limelight, then wander about and see all the cool kids who mostly happen to be my friends, and enjoy nearly all of the perks of being a social climber, without actually having to go to the horrific lengths required to actually be a social climber. I get to wander from beautiful woman to beautiful woman and hug 'em and hang with 'em, and I've got friends scattered everywhere at these events. It's pretty amazing... though in the moment I don't think any of that 'cause I'm just hanging out & having fun with my buddies. Only at big splashy events do I remember that many of my buddies are drop-dead gorgeous, plus nubile.

I got some great chances to spend time with Cherry. She regaled me with her tale of woe as she & Creature prowled about but found the hunting to be sparse. It was awesome, and I really enjoyed being let in on the grief. I also bumped into her a few other times, and forgot to give her space 'cause she's embarrassed by me. As a result, I discovered that she no longer seems to be embarrassed by me. Perhaps I've gotten less embarrassing. That'd be a shame, ugh. I'll have to think on that.

Creedence showed up at some point, which was spectacular. I like Creedence immensely. I got to hang out with her quite a bit as the evening progressed, including getting her backstage access to the Groove Bomb. She walked into the joint-zone, though, which is a cross between the Twilight Zone and the Bermuda Triangle. The way it works is that someone tries to hand you a joint. If you take it, you're screwed; there are way more of them than there are smokers, so you are stuck with it until you finish it or you find some poor sucker to take "just one hit". I got out quickly but Creedence had no such luck and the poor girl was gone for the rest of the night. It was great and she had a great time.

I had the most amazing evening. We traveled in small bunches that split apart and rejoined in an amazingly amoebalike fashion. As people in each group became attached to other people via conversations, touching, or whatever, I'd eventually wander off if I wasn't one of the attached. Soon I'd find another person or group that I knew, and I'd fasten on to them for a short or a long time. There was no drama, no hostility and no angst during the entire evening. Uli & Zac did get tied up in a long & intense conversation about a past event... but by the end of the night Zac felt like he'd gotten closure from Uli, and Zac feeling that way is what Uli required as well. I was really glad to see that skeleton finally get buried.

At one point I fell in love with a girl in a sparkly dress. She was beautiful and I was blown away. I don't know why; there were a great many beautiful women there. But I avoided her, as is my wont when attracted, and she became a recurring bright spot as I randomly encountered the sight of her here and there later during the night.

At another point I was introduced to a girl in a green dress. I remember the color because it matched her hair and her makeup and it was quite striking. I was appropriately stricken; I mumbled some garbled comment about how well she matched, choking back my instinctive reaction to tell the truth. I have learned that my instinctive reaction is almost always the worst possible thing to go on, and truth is usually a stupid choice. I usually just don't say anything.

Later in the evening this girl in green again entered my sphere of communication, and this time I actually blurted out the truth. For once, it turned out to be a good idea! Meeting her eventually became the high point of the entire evening, which amazes and gratifies me to no end.

But first I must describe the Groove Bomb. It's a traveling party that unloads music and hosts fun. You need a VIP pass to get on, but performers had that access so I got to spend quite a bit of time grooving. Alex spent a lot of time there, Zac & Laura did as well, and Uli eventually held court at the back of the bus for a time. It was noisy, but far less so than anywhere else in the entire venue... at least, until I discovered the Quiet Place. But that was later.

Miranda quickly picked up a gorgeous date: a near-mirror-image of herself named Melissa. Scrumptious. I bumped into them a few times as the night moved on but they were mostly engaged with one another, which I quite understood and was entertained by.

Alex was constantly surrounded by gorgeous women. He's more of a chick magnet than anyone I've known since I was in high school. It's amazing to watch. I'm so very glad I don't have the same affliction; I'd be way more irresponsible than he is with power like that. He also spent a lot of time with me; I got a great deal of Alex-Time and I loved it. We popped up to a shoulder-stand at one point to disable a bulb, then discovered that we needed to travel, which wasn't so easy for Alex 'cause he was ecstatic but he loved it very much anyway.

Uli finished resolving things with Zac but then I didn't see her for hours. She was having a great time, though. Eventually Aspen showed up, but he was pretty far gone and I didn't get to spend much time with him other than a quick stunt-bonding moment in a partially-floorless closet over the stairs, where I did a shoulderstand on his knees and he based me. Then Alex showed up and Aspen feint-slammed him and Alex barely restrained his instinctive & highly-trained protective counterstrike. Never pretend to attack a martial artist; if their control fails then you've tricked them into hurting you and neither of you wants that.

Russ, as mentioned before, didn't show up nor did he call. :(

Zac & Laura moseyed about a great deal, often with me. I got a lot of Zac-Time and I loved it. :) At one point we bumped into Skye & Bryce Pixton's younger sister whose name I can never remember. I had mentioned to Zac that I felt awkward around her 'cause she's Mormon, but he brought it up and she's not. So, as Zac loves to do, he jumped into sharing my personal beliefs about various things that are guaranteed to get me labeled as a closed-minded conservative idiotic hater-of-others. I don't mind explaining my beliefs... but being presented to a hostile audience (frequently consisting of multiple people) as a Hater is not fun for me. Laura mentioned it him and he blew her off, so I mentioned it and he blew me off, so I'll probably write an email explaining it and asking him to stop doing it unless it's in a situation where I can take 15 or 20 minutes and explain things.

At one point on the Groove Bomb, Alex was giving Zac some massage work. I jumped in, and someone else did, too (probably Laura; she's so wonderful with Zac). We worked him for 5 or 10 minutes... that must've been bliss. I massaged a bunch of people; I was feeling really feely. But nobody massaged me more than a quick touch here and there. I noticed this at the end of the night and felt sad about it. I wonder why. Maybe I'm more repulsive than I realize?... Or maybe most people aren't as feely as me, so I naturally end up giving lots more touching than I receive. Or maybe I'm creepy and I don't know it. These things could all be. *shrug* I ain't gonna worry about it unless I get more information.

At midnight I had nobody to kiss, but karma was not about to drop me on my ass so easily. It provided the perfect surrogate for Gaelen.

Zac, in all his fun-having glory, said to me, "Scott, will you kiss me at midnight?" I was thrilled to acquiesce. He nodded impatiently, obviously assuming this response, and elaborated, "Will you do it in an arm-to-arm?" My eyes lit up like a jackpot winner's and I sprayed gleeful assurances that yes indeedy I was up for such a feat.

We tried to stay close, but the ebb & flow frequently pulled us apart as the fateful moment approached. I knew that Zac had the same odds of sticking near me as a kid in a candy store, so I hovered near him instead. As I suspected, there was no 2-minute or 1-minute or 30-second warning... suddenly the crowd focused its noise into "8...7...6..."

By "6" I had blocked off with Zac. By "4" we were up. By "1" we were solid. And on "Happy New Year!" we did a quick peck in an arm-to-arm. (I had bronchitis, so anything deeper was a bad idear.) We held it for a bit and did 2 more pecks just to make sure we were satisfied with our gnifty experience. It was truly awesome.

I don't know when it happened, but during one of the frequent trips to the Green Room hallway I noticed that the locked door was now open and brightly lit. I ventured into the stairwell that was revealed. There was a open-faced closet-space above the stairwell (which is where I stunted with Aspen a bit). The stairs led down to the basement/practice space, which was far more quiet than up top. I explored the fascinating Quiet Space and then returned to the fun.

I wandered past the cushion area and saw someone giving Noah a massage. I jumped in and started working his legs. His date (gorgeous) noticed, and proferred her legs for me. I was delighted and I worked her for a while as well. She had kind of a hungry look as she started to sit up, so I bolted. I was often thinking of Gaelen and missing her, and anytime a pretty girl looked at me consideringly I immediately created an exit and seized it.

Back on the Groove Bomb, I found Alex engaged with the Green Dress girl, who was introduced to me as Emily. It fits her perfectly. She is a vision of extraordinary rarity. Her face isn't classic-beautiful; it's much more interesting than that. Her mouth is a little too large, I think. When coupled with her eyes and nose and chin and cheeks it's absolutely entrancing - she is amazingly attractive. She was very friendly and my nervousness skyrocketed, because as I looked into her eyes I knew that I'd found The Girl of the party. It's the same thing I found at the Sprockettes Benefit when I saw Miranda - she was the one girl there for whom I'd sell my soul, betray my commitments, upstage my morals, and abandon my dignity. But Emily was something beyond the "normal" Temptation Girl. She was really nice, and genuine, and accepting. She didn't care about the dorkism that's afflicted me from birth. She was interested in me, not in my arms or my costume or my potential bankroll (which happens to be nil). She said something like, "I feel like I really need to talk to you."

Instinct seized me by the vocal cords and I foolishly let them blurt forth my thoughts without filtering. "It's really difficult to speak when faced with someone who is as beautiful as you are." I was thunderstruck; how could she think I was anything but false, after a cheesy opening like that!? I hastened to assure her that I wasn't hitting on her, but simply being honest. She seemed to believe me, but she also seemed a little more friendly than was justified after that. But how can someone tell that when the friendliness comes from someone so angelic? She could've slapped me and I'd've assumed it was meant flirtatiously.

But she wasn't pushing any boundaries, she was just very friendly and feely. I loved that; I was the same way. We snuggled up and Alex joined us and I fell in love with her in the space of about 5 minutes. I'd do just about anything for that girl and I just barely met her. Alex was feeling the same thing; he said, "Maybe it's just the drugs but I feel a tremendous connection here." I did, too, and I was tickled pink that we could all share it and Alex would happily relieve me of the burden of any romantic aspects. It was clear that Emily was fine with Alex as the designated romantor. We were the Three Musketeers for the rest of the night.

I apologized for being so blunt, and explained that even in the best of times I'm severely discretion-challenged. She asked if I'd answer any question at all with the truth and I nodded helplessly. She asked, "What is your best trait, or the thing that you do the best," and I shot out the answer immediately 'cause it's something I've often pondered: "I am best at loving others." Alex had tears in his eyes as he validated that, which really touched me to the core of my heart. It was a really wonderful thing for me to see him care about because it's really important to me, being the core of my being and all.

We shared some more bonding and then Alex stumbled off again and Emily spilled water down her cleavage. She began naievely fiddling and I turned away with an exclamation about how girls can't just go waving gorgeous cleavage around like that. She was quite amused and she bounced off to tell Alex while I recuperated from the near miss. I was having enough trouble keeping romance & lust from shouldering their way into my newfound love. I did not need unintentional cleavage factoring in.

Emily revealed that she's a musician. I'm thinking to myself, "Good Lord, this just keeps getting more and more amazing. She's the most nearly perfect woman I've ever met in my life. How can she possibly be any more angelic?" Those were my very thoughts; "angelic" was how I would have described her if limited to a single word. That's when she announced that her instrument of choice is a harp. Alex and I just kind of goggled. There was probably drool. She asserted that she had her harp with her. We stumbled over one another's tongues in our attempts to ask her for a performance. She happily agreed and we hauled ourselves, our angel, and her harp over to the stage.

It took a long time for her to get set up & tuned, and to arrange with the DJ to cycle in. Just as she was almost ready, another performer (part of the Kazum outer circle, in fact) came and took her microphone. She asked for it back, explaining that she needed it for her harp, but the other performer shunted her aside and left with the mic.

So, Emily played but we couldn't hear her over the noise. :( It was very frustrating but the karma of the evening was far too stoic to be easily blockaded. I'm a little dense, but karma kept pounding away at my obtusity until I eventually erupted in epiphone: "Aha! I've got it! I know a Quiet Place!" Alex looked at me in bafflement (this time I know there was drool 'cause I was lookin' right at it) but Emily simply nodded in trusting joy. I slobbered eagerly in response.

Did I mention how ecstatic we all were? It must've been a foolfest, but those involved were oblivious to such worldly external constraints.

We packed our act downstairs to the dungeonesque back room adjacent to the prison. I insisted that broken chickenwire indicated a storage space but Alex was adamant that it was obviously a prison, and Emily seemed entertained by that idea, so my knowledge agreed to subvert itself to my willpower and I now firmly believe that it was a prison. Love'll do that.

Alex and I chattered sappily as Emily prepared her harp for music. Then she began to play and we both took a little Happy Break from our thoughts. We were both standing, but about halfway through I managed to open my eyes and I saw that Alex had collapsed down into a crouch, supported by splayed hands on the ground.

It was one of the most amazing and heavenly things I've ever experienced. I couldn't even look at Emily; my heart just couldn't take it. But the sound... wow, the sound. She's not just a dabbler; she plays the harp well. I think that a violin might possibly rival a harp for pure beauty but a fiddle can't hold a candle to the ephemeral and otherworldly aura that harp music exudes. Alex and I felt ourselves being bound to Emily by powerful spiritual cords of silk and it was exquisite.

She seemed a little amused by our choked-up praise; she surely gets that a lot when she comes down to earth and regales mortals. We tried numbly to speak, but our voices were toadish in our own ears after the miraculous strains we'd been exposed to.

I asked Alex to share with us the poem he won a competition with. It's about 6 minutes and it's absolutely spectacular. As Emily put away her harp, Alex and I circled the basement and turned off the nearest lights so that we had near darkness for the poetry.

Listening to his voice as the poem rolled off of his tongue is probably the only thing that could've possibly followed Emily's harp performance without seeming pitifully ridiculous by comparison. Both times I've listend to Alex recite this poem I've been so caught up in the rhyme and meter and the brilliance of the words, that I've utterly failed to maintain enough mid-and-short-term memory to link it all together. It's about temptation, salvation and evil, but I couldn't tell you a summary, still, which shames me. But it's not because I don't pay attention! It's because I'm paying so much attention that the amazing details fill me up and push out the core plot of the piece.

After that I recited Annabel Lee. It was really fun; I love reciting poems as much as I love hearing them.

Alex and Emily were snuggling and I wanted to join them but I had also begun to hope very much that they'd fall in love (romantic love), and I knew that some privacy would probably facilitate this process. I went upstairs to pee, and I then made a short circuit of the nearby area, where I bumped into Uli, who was feeling like leaving sometime soon. I brought her down to say goodbye to Emily & Alex, and I discovered that Emily is her friend. Very cool.

The magical, musical, love-filled night had ended and the sun on its glaring way up. Breakfast smells were happening upstairs. Emily suggested that we accompany her to her house, and I'm sure that it's easy to imagine the bright-eyed glee that accompanied our joyful acceptance of this offer.

We all went back upstairs and bid our farewells. As we gathered our various things I remarked to Alex, "We're going home with the most beautiful girl at the party!" It struck me as funny but he just blinked; he's dim even at the best of times, poor boy. At least he has his physique.

I had a co-pilot on the drive to Emily's slice of heaven. Her friend Elizabeth whom I'd earlier spent some time stroking. Elizabeth was extremely nice and friendly, though she had to sit in back 'cause the mat was in front. During the drive I jabbered incessantly, mostly about Gaelen. Elizabeth surely thinks me a very odd fool, which is pretty close to accurate.

When we all arrived, Elizabeth scampered off to go hot-tubbing elsewhere. Alex & Emily & I relaxed onto the couch, stroking and cuddling one another. It was really wonderful. Emily asked if we had obligations, and Alex answered for both of us when he said, "There's nowhere in the world I'd rather be."

Alex eventually dozed off and Emily & I talked about him for a while. I revealed my not-so-subtle plan for them to fall in love and she said, "We'll see what happens." I said, "That's what he said," and he half-woke and asked, "Why would you wanna remember that?" which had nothing at all to do with what we'd been talking about. I guffawed and Emily made angelic laughing noises like the chiming of bells.

When Emily started fading away I suggested that Alex and I could let her be so that she could sleep. She asked why we'd want to do that, which was a wonderful question! I suggested that we could all pile into her bed and sleep and she was delighted. I asked if she often brought two men home from parties and she paused to think about it, which cracked me up. (The answer was, "no.") We all snuggled down and Alex dropped off again. Emily lasted a little longer. When I'd stroke her face it would light up in a beautiful smile and my heart would lurch. It was amazing.

After they both fell asleep I got up; my kids were at home and I would never be able to sleep with in a strange bed, anyway, especially not with others in the bed with me. I took a picture; it's ridiculously cute. Then I came home and played with kids & real life resumed.

But that was one of my most amazing, wonderful, loving nights ever. I was occasionally sad 'cause Gaelen was home being miserable, and I missed Gaelen frequently. But other than that the night was absolutely perfect.

White Album Christmas Show - epilogue

This is from my Tribe blog, and a lot of it repeats stuff from this blog. *shrug* Deal, I guess.

What an amazing event! This was my favorite Kazum performance, yet. That's saying somethin', because Lightning in a Bottle was a blast, and the Oregon Country Fair is a FunFest of epic proportions. But I had more fun at the White Album event than I would've considered to be humanly possibly without high-quality drugs, tons of money, and a Swiss women's gymnastic troupe of questionable morals.

I think that my favorite aspect of the show was the crowd integration. Noah directed us to quietly merge ourselves into the crowd about 10 minutes before the show started. We lay down against the walls and one another, and went to sleep. We stayed there for Jasper & Noah's opening spiels, as well as the opening number. Then during the 2nd number (Dear Prudence) all of the cast gradually woke up, yawning & stretching & working out the kinks. We slowly filed backstage, preparing for the upcoming show.

It was so enjoyable to move among the audience like that! I loved it, and I think it added a great deal to the show.

During the 3rd number, there were several quick performances. First Rhys Thomas & Leapin' Louie came onstage and did some juggling. The crowd loved it. Then Cherry pranced forth in her delightfully sparkly outfit, and wowed us all with a short fire-spinning routine that gave glimpses of the amazing things to come. And finally, Kazum came spinning out of the crowd with girls in lifts. I wish we hadn't been required to devote 100% of our time in practices to learning the routines we were performing, because we didn't have enough time to work out a 5-person stunt. So we threw our staple stunt - the Chinese Star - which is a 4-person stunt. That left Alex out, and if there's anything I regret about the show, that's it. Alex is a core and integral part of the group, and he's also a great performer, not to mention blisteringly hot eye-candy. If anyone shoulda sat out of the opening stunt, it shoulda been the boring guy - moi. But the Chinese Star with me on Russ is tried-and-true. We knew we'd hit it reliably and quickly. So that's what we chose to throw. I'm really sorry that it had to be that way, though.

It's gotta be amazing to see Russ pop me up onto his shoulders; I'm not a slender fella. When I pulled the girls up into the star, the crowd busted loose with mad applause. Russ looks like a monster as he lifts me & the girls, and it's just an awesome & impressive stunt. Few people realize that basing it is fairly easy; it's the mid-level flier that really has the tough part of the trick. I'm so pleased that I can fly it, I get wood just thinkin' about it.

So, the audience-integration was wonderful. In one of the final numbers the cast circulates out into the crowd in order to dance and cheer, and that kept us integrated. The final number is slow & quiet, and we were instructed to wander out onstage and relax into a big cluster of bodies, gently going to sleep as the show concluded. It worked wonderfully well and the crowd thundered with applause as the music concluded.

After audience integration my favorite part of the show was the visual continuity. We had one costume designer who spearheaded creation of our clothing. Melody led a team of dedicated ladies - I'm not sure who all was involved but I saw a picture of Cherry, Meghann and Kate hard at work building the Kazum dudes' vests. All of the costumes shared the theme of patchwork fancy - bright and flamboyant but made of odds & ends thrown together haphazardly. It worked beautifully.

Adding to the magic was a coordinated makeup theme that mirrored the costuming ambiance. Robert is an amazingly talented makeup artist who also happens to be a really interesting & friendly guy. Assisting him in his efforts was Naia, who Kazum often gets the delightful pleasure of working with. Naia always takes care of me and I appreciate her more than I can express. They were the primary makeup artists, though quite a few people kicked in their talents. The results were spectacular: darkly sparkly minimalistic makeup that really amplified the theme of a backalley circus.

The next tier of excellence was, in my opinion, the onstage talent. I can't really differentiate between band members and performers, because both categories were astoundingly impressive. I'll start with the band, because B (and) comes before P (erformers).

John Averill was the sassiest and arguably most noticeble musician, simply 'cause lead vocals are sassy & noticeable. He outdid himself, delivering a musical experience that shook the walls. Screaming along beside him was a lead guitarist whose name I've forgotten, but that guy made my eyes bleed on at least 2 separate occasions. He wrenched sounds from his strings that were mindblowing. Heavy thunder was provided by a percussionist who reminds me of Animal from the Muppet Show, though he's not nearly as furry nor aggressive as Animal. He did, however, get pretty damn aggressive in complimenting and hitting on my girlfriend... which is awesome. I can't remember his name, either... I heard dozens of names at the shows and remembered remarkably few of them.

The keyboard player was Carl, which I found out several days after the show after talking with Creedence. He put the soul into the Beatles' music, and he got to rain down his music from a high vantage point atop the backstage stairs. I envied him his position, and I was awed by his skills.

I know two of the other musicians, so I'll call them out by name... but every single one of the band members was exquisite and I hate that I can't give adequate props to all of them individually.

Jason Wells played rythm guitar like a madman. He is the only person I've ever met, heard of, or been drenched by, who actually sweats more than I do. They had to install a special grate in the stage to handle the downpour that he produced while in the throes of musical orgasm. He played his frakkin' heart out up there and provided the pulse and rythm of the music that was produced.

I got a chance to take some verbal jabs at Robin before the show, as he was warming up his lips & fingers in the Hoth-like tunnels beneath the Bossinova. Alex and I were hanging around while he made sweet oral love to his tenor sax, and we were impressed and aroused by the talent he has for blowing into his closed fist. Onstage, Robin added his instrument's brassy roar, melding its voice into the amazing music that the NoWhere Band produced to wow us all.

It would've been a great show with only the band. But when the band combined with the performers... Ye Gods, I wish the Beatles could've seen this show. I believe that they would've loved it and felt honored by the tribute that was paid to them.

First in the lineup was Jasper Patterson. His role was perfectly suited to take advantage of a great number of the talents that he's a master of. He's one of the few people I know who can rival Noah at laying down high-quality, perfectly timed, impromptu bullshit. His patter is exquisite and he played the audience like an experienced whore plays a fresh young john. He really instilled the ambiance of the show in his introduction, and he kept cycling back throughout the night to keep the same spirit alive. I wanna work with him to perfect an extension while juggling; that'd kick serious ass. We did a juggling shoulder-stand, which probably looks pretty impressive but it's really a cakewalk. His sexy dress routine with Noah was perfectly executed and the crowd ate it up like courtesy 'shrooms.

The bulk of the show featured Noah & Creature stepping on Jasper's attempts to become a star. It played wonderfully.

My favorite part of every Hippodrome performance is Noah's brazen, "Laaaaaaadies and gentlemen!" It makes my heart pump and my pulse race, and it fires me up to raise the performance bar. As I listen to his off-the-cuff BS I have a tough time not grinning like the idjut I am; he is an amazing entertainer. He did his customary incredible job as MC and Ringmaster.

Nick da Creature brings his good ol' Texan ass-kickin' dread-wearin' personality into full bloom during shows like this one, and it's amazing to watch he and Noah play off of one another. Creature also managed the stage & set, and he did all that could be done to provide us with a safe & adequate performance space. I very much appreciate his efforts in that regard, in addition to admiring his talent as a performer.

If I had to say whether I was more impressed by Night Flight or the AWOL Dance collective, I'd probably gnaw off my own tongue. I'll group them together because they're all aerial performers, but they're very different and I'm a bastard for taking such liberties. These girls are, first and foremost, incredibly gorgeous. Lip-smackingly delectable. If I hadn't been newly in love with my wonderful girlfriend, I'd've drooled more than Jason Wells sweated. The ladies are picture-perfect even before costuming & makeup turns them into movie-stars. I'm not even gonna talk about their figures. That's something that must be seen to be believed.

Now that I've concluded the obligatory admiration for face & form, I'd like to move onto their real talent. They performed the most amazing & graceful aerial routines that I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of that stuff. They don't rely on sex to impress, which is something I'm often disappointed about when cute girls are showcasing tits & ass rather than demonstrating actual talent. But Night Flight & AWOL Dance take off from T&A as a baseline, climbing quickly into pure amazement. They hang suspended over the crowd, spinning and hanging and posing and smiling their 2-billion-watt smiles as they do things that human bodies aren't intended to do. And they make it look easy. Every person in the audience was riveted by the performances. It's not something that can really be described; if you want to see what's so amazing about Night Flight or AWOL Dance Collective, check out their websites and invest in an upcoming performance. It's so very worth watching!

The remaining performers were mostly solo acts, and I've had the honor and pleasure of working with & watching nearly all of them in the past. Rhys Thomas is a blast to be around and he's been performing longer than anyone I know with the possible exception of Leapin' Louie, who's been performing longer than dirt. They are so tight in their routines that they can take anything in stride and make it look planned. Their showmanship is exquisite as they juggle, balance, lasso, patter, and craft an amazing display that leaves the audience breathless and giddy. They're both a lot of fun backstage, as well, and I'm probably not going to renew the restraining order against Rhys 'cause he's kept his hands to himself for the last 2 or 3 performances, now.

I got to see the tail-end of DizzyHips' performance, where this slender & athletic guy uses an enormous tire as a hula-hoop. It was throwing him back & forth as he spun it and I got to see it from almost directly overhead, from the balcony - it was amazing. The crowd loved his routine.

I got to see a YouTube video of Cherry's flaming poi performance, but I can't find it now. I cannot fathom how she can keep those two spinning balls moving in such complex and contradictory patterns, without ever colliding or shaking. She's amazingly talented, she's heart-stoppingly beautiful, and her costume made her look like a magical nymph from another dimension as the flames darted past her like guided meteors. Her routine was breathtaking!

I'm worried that I'm forgetting performers. :( I didn't get to see some numbers 'cause I was backstage prepping for other stuff. I hope I didn't forget to describe any of the routines that I was lucky enough to actually see.

The venue itself really worked well for this event. The Bossanova is a big area, with ceilings that are almost adequate for Kazum's basket-tosses and double-stunts. That's rare for an indoor venue. Uli did get clocked in the back of the head by a ceiling fan while cradling from the Triple-Base extension during a pre-show run-through of Birthday. But she pulled herself together and we had a nearly flawless performance when it counted. The stage was wonderful, although it really sucked when we had to rechoreograph the day before the first performance because a 3-foot section of the corner had been replaced by a wall. That really cramped things. But the stage was sturdy and very nearly adequate for what we needed, and the ambiance of the Bossanova fit perfectly with the theme of the show.

Kazum's numbers came together really well. Russ choregraphed Piggies, and it's graceful and regal with some pretty impressive tricks in it despite the stately tempo. It's only 2 minutes but it's packed with amazing stuff that makes it seem longer than that. I've seen a video of Piggies on YouTube and it was really fun to watch. Miranda wasn't in it because her work/school schedule only allowed her to attend half of our practices. My favorite parts were the Juanita Barrel-Roll over the 3 guys' heads, the High Throne (aka Ass Catch) where Russ & Alex swing Uli into a toss up to a chair-like catch, and the Juanita Roll where Uli dives forward and swings under & back up. I don't think I've ever done a 3-guy-1-girl routine, and it really turned out amazingly well. I want to do more of them, now.

Birthday was our exciting, flamboyant routine. Uli choreographed it, and it came together beautifully with some wonderful musical cues that the NoWhere Band nailed perfectly every single time. Thank you, band! Birthday starts out with high-flying stuff in the background behind impressive shifting poses in the foreground, and it keeps the excitement high throughout the full 3 minutes of the song. Here's a shot of one of our opening poses. Some highlights include a Triple-Base extension that was a beast to solidify, Alex & Uli doing a dizzying Flying Squirrel, multiple Straddle-Over to chairs, a rock-solid Cupie with Miranda the super-stunter, a breathtaking Toe-Touch Basket Toss that could've been 5 feet higher if the venue's ceiling hadn't cramped our style, and a last-minute perfect-ending Double-Base Chinese Star with balloons in the girls' hands.

The whole show was exciting and amazing and more fun than I could've ever conceived of. I love the Kazum members very much and I hope that we can keep working together for years, always improving ourselves and upping the difficulty level of the routines we're capable of mastering. The Wanderlust folks are awesome and I love working with them.

Gaelen & me: First Kiss

I already wrote about our first kiss, but I just posted about it on my iHeart profile and I'm all tickled pink by how clever I am, so I'm reposting it here as well. I started by talking about Alex (new Kazum guy who quickly became my best friend).

Alex is the Big Brother Elect of his roommate, a delightful and saucy young lady named Gaelen. I met her soon after meeting him, but she obviously had no interest in Alex's geeky older pal. She was very friendly and all, but totally not my type. Short, bleached hair, obviously lesbian, kind of a fairy-punk look. Gorgeous, stylish in a "Fuck Conformity" sorta way, and about as interested in me as I am interested in pro football. (Not Very.)

After a few weeks, though, she made it past the dorky nerd exterior that hides my dorky nerd interior. But the interior is mixed with cool person, which she responded well to. After a few times hanging out together with Alex & my pals, she confessed some interest in me. Not long after that, I went on a midnight walk with her and Aaron (my sister's 20-year-old roommate who's totally awesome and one of the best guys I've ever met.) We walked through a nearby nature park, which was gorgeous at 1:00 am. She held my hand, and I was giddily elated, much like a puppy-dog who's just discovered his willy. (Aw, romantic imagery, *sigh*) At one point the night conspired to create the perfect ambiance for a First Kiss. Being a veteran of lousy ambiance, I immediately knew that something was up simply 'cause it was so very different.

"Eh, what's this?" I cleverly avoided asking the night, "Romantic ambiance?"

It was like the "Kiss The Girl" scene in the Little Mermaid, 'cept in a forest. A brook was trickling merrily past, pealing out notes of music like a chime made of delicate crystal hearts on strings. The moon was all fuzzy with cloudage, and shattered by the wildly interlacing angles of late-autumn branches. The woods were lovely, dark and deep, but I had no promises to keep, thank you Mr. Frost. Aaron was climbing busily over the brook atop a fallen tree-trunk, his attention claimed by the slippery likelihood of an early-morning plunge into whatever was making the brook act so animated. I was holding hands with an angelic vision of beauty who'd earlier confessed an inkling of attraction for me. As my eyes glanced past hers, my heart siezed itself by the ventricles and demanded, "Thump-THUMP!?" which is aortan for "Are you mental, or WHAT!?" My blood pumped avidly beneath my face, carrying the underlying message, "Kiss her you fool. Soon the frogs will be forced to start singing Disneyesque love songs."

I'm no dummy. I know a perfect moment when it's passed by, and that night I wasn't about to let it happen again. I drew my gaze back to Gaelen's angelic visage, and my heart started krumping eagerly in its bony prison. At this moment any self-respecting dude would be nearly paralyzed by worries like, "Am I coming in too fast? Does my breath reek of anything? Was that Aaron plummeting to a watery doom?" Not I! For some reason (I suspect benign alien mind-soothing rays) I was smiling gently as I bent toward her. Even when her eyes got ENORMOUS just before closing, and then there was motion as her lips met and rose toward mine, but still I failed to flub things up, which is massive freakin' proof of extraterrestrial influence or the existence of God. Then there was a big burst of light as though the moon was a strobe that had waited for eons for its perfect moment to pulse. My heart finally gave out and went soft & mushy like my head, and as the magical light faded I felt my arms pulling her against me. Good ol' arms, I'm a big fan of theirs after that little touch they came up with on their very own. I honestly have no idea how long the kiss lasted; for all I know Aaron might've been frozen in some awkward, about-to-plummet position but trying to give me my moment for an hour or more. Or maybe it was only a few seconds. Doesn't matter; time had been suitably impressed by my heart-krump and it gave me a hall pass until business was taken care of.

As we pulled apart her eyes sparkled in perfect time with the tingling I felt in my extremities. I heard chimes from somewhere nearby, like Tinkerbell was getting totally ripped on pirate rum and starting her own heavy metal fairy band. The earlier pulse from the moon had washed all the color out of everything, and Gaelen's face was sepia-toned which worked out well because her image was burned forever into my memory. All that's lacking is a superimposed old-style script reading, "Purtiest gal in Stumptown*."

We smiled goofily at one another for a moment and then time noticed us lurking outside the door of reality and gave a silent but compelling *tick*. I grinned like the fool that I was/am and leaned down for a quick follow-up peck on the lips. Sounds like a dumb thing to do (go figger) but somehow it worked out really well. We turned back toward Aaron who was caught in the act of pretending to just barely turn around and notice us. Someone said something unimportant and reality reasserted itself and didn't vanish unexpectedly again until almost 24 hours later when Gaelen took me to her bed for the first time.

But that's a whole 'nother story, and not one that gets told at all, let alone posted in a public blog.

* This makes much more sense if you know that Stumptown is one of Portland's nicknames.

Birthday

This is one of the acts we're performing for the White Album Christmas show, which is so far the most enjoyable and exciting Kazum performance I've had the pleasure of participating in.
Uli's the most common choreographer for Kazum now that Melissa's on maternity leave. She's delightfully good at choreography, though often it feels like she's very resistant to ... I wanna say any contributions but honestly it feels like it's my contributions that she's specifically resilient to. Maybe she's still playing nice with the new folk? Or maybe I'm just being overly sensitive 'cause we've worked together for long enough that the honeymoon phase is past? I honestly don't know. Anyway, she's killer-talented at choreographing and I'm uber-impressed with Birthday.

We start out with Russ & the ladies in a Three-Headed Dragon. That's one of my favorite Kazum stunts. Meanwhile, I'm lying on my back and Alex is "offstage," which on this set means "risking rectal damage from the drummer's intro" because he's standing right among the band. You see, our promised stage dimensions weren't delivered, and the night before the show we discovered that they'd taken a diagonal chunk out of our performance space. So we had to rechoreograph madly at the last minute in order to do what we've been practicing for 2 months now.

Birthday is a fast, pounding number. It's actually perfect for Kazum, though we all hated it at first. But the number we built around it has earned my undying love.

As the song starts, Russ and the ladies do some spinning and rearranging, kind of a kaleidoscopic deal. Meanwhile, I kick-pitch Alex into a high-flying front flip. Then he spins and I rush him so that he can toe-pitch me into a backflip. Next, just as Russ does a Double Popcorn-Shrimp with the girls, I toe-pitch Alex into one of the most perfect and astounding toe-flips ever seen by human eyes.

This toe-flip deserves some explanation. Alex has enormous experience and talent as a capoera guy. (There's a real word for this but I'm slightly too lazy to google it.) Capoera guys do the most amazing balancing & flipping & rolling! But they do it monkey-style, with flexed feet, and rarely do they rotate straight forward or backward - they tumble twisty. That's why Alex's back handspring is like a sideways-twisting swan dive, and it's why teaching him toe-pitches was sorta like throwing a tornado. He would twist out to the left so hard that it actually hurt my hand to throw him. (That's real hard.) No matter how much momentum I put in to counterbalance, homeboy always spun like 4 feet off to my right (his left) and it was freakin' scarey. Once he twisted right out of my hands and did a shoulder-roll, which shortened my life by 2 months or so and took my hair to a paler shade of grey.

But a few days before opening night, at our regular practice at the Egg, some arcane *click* took place (soundlessly) within the boy's twisty little mind. I threw the toe-pitch as usual, bracing for the customary wrist-wrenching feat of sideways spinnage... but instead Alex sailed neatly backward, shock written large on his short-shaven mug. I mirrored it, primarily to make him feel better, not because it felt so amazingly cool to throw a near-perfect toe-pitch. We immediately launched again... and this time he did it absolutely perfectly. There was a quarter-sized wet spot on the crotch of my shorts. He sailed nearly straight up, rode the toss like it was the Space Shuttle, then arched back with nary a trace of twistiness. My heart leapt into my throat as I saw him perfectly suspended, upside down, his forehead higher than mine. His feet sailed gracefully over, inscribing a perfect arch within an imaginary rainbow. He landed with the gentle sound of a dove coming to rest upon the brow of a virgin. I ran up and nearly raped him with excitement. Throwing a perfect toe-pitch is almost as thrilling as flying one must be.

So after Alex's simply astounding toe-pitch (which is, under conditions of optimal timing, perfectly synchronized with the girls' backflips via Popcorn Shrimp) I turn and he mounts my shoulders via a calf-pop. Now, for the record - calf-pops suck. They're clunky and slow, and really amateurish. There are far better ways to get a flyer to a shoulder-stand... but we do so many freakin' calf-pops that the concept of missing one is as foreign as the concept of Alex & Gaelen holding hands in church & singing hymns. (Aw, that'd look so cute!)

After nailing the calf-pop, I extend my arms out in a T, and then pump both arms to the beat of the music. It feels goofy, but on flim it looks pretty darn cool. Alex leaps down (we should totally replace that with a backflip, by the way) and Russ & the girls continue to do their switchery. I hop up on Russ's thighs behind him and point-swing my arms out at the crowd, as Alex belly-slides under Russ's legs and does some cool birthdayesque pose that I don't ever get to witness except on the rare occasion when we're flimming and I don't have to watch myself to critique me.

Then it's down on "birthDAY" and I cannot be late or the whole rest of the next sequence is jacked all to crud. I pants Alex... well, if I don't catch firm hold of his ankles, I pants him. Otherwise, I tug him back out from where he's camping out beneath Russ' jewels. He spins right and I spin left, as the ladies kick up to handstands. Russ catches their inside legs, one hand on each, and Alex & I catch their outside legs. We used to do it one-handed but my right shoulder thinks it's 10 years older than the rest of me, so now we do it one-handed. Russ leads the heft and before ya know it we're holding the girls up by their calves, as though they're beef carcasses. Well, veal carcasses. Or maybe sheep carcasses; they be tiny.

We ingeniously named this stunt "The Carcass." Alex & I sweep our girl into a cradle and dump 'em unceremoniously out, then leap backward in preparation for one of the more scary portions of the show.

Uli does a low dive-roll toward Alex and Miranda does the same toward me. Alex and I each do a high, arching dive-roll over the low roll. This is scarey because if something goes wrong, Alex or I would make gelatin of the unlucky girl that we smashed down onto. But we generally put all kinds of OOMPH into the leap. We pop up out of the roll into a toe-touch that's eerily reliably synchronized, as Russ does a simultaneous leap-thingy behind us. Then comes the worst part of the whole routine. We've rechoreographed it several times, and it's still uber-scarey.

We move into position - from stage left it's Russ, Miranda, me, Uli and Alex. The way we'd like to do it is as a triple-based extension from ground to extension in one smooth motion, the way cheer-stunting is designed to work. Instead, we nearly always buckle and swerve, usually resulting in falling flyers and all manner of ugliness. So we've changed it up. Russ & Miranda throw a Chair, then prep for Chair-to-Stand. Meanwhile, Alex and I are double-basing Uli to a stand. I pull one hand away and take Miranda's foot, then she has like 2 counts to transfer weight to me before all 3 of the bases (now-triple-basing) pop up to extension. That's pretty darn cool, though not as cool as ground-to-extention. We hold for the rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat musical cue, then cradle. I step out and the remaining dudes cradle their flyers.

Russ & Miranda throw a barrel-roll (ridiculously easy but way cool-looking nonetheless) while I throw a back-tuck. Lately my tuck has dripped with suckage. :( Meanwhile, Alex & Uli pop up to the Flying Squirrel. That's one of our few amazing tricks that isn't copied from Juanita & the Ganjou brothers. Instead, it's copied from a really incredible dance duo that we idolize almost as much as J & the GBs. As they spin madly about, Russ and I lift Miranda into ... I don't remember the name. I call it the Volcano Sacrifice 'cause it looks like we're about to hurl Miranda the virgin (heh) into a flaming pit to satiate some fell deity. We don't, though. Like he'd accept her anyway. "VIRGIN? PAH!" Knowing this, we instead just spin once and then Miranda back-arches down Russ' back, while Alex is positioning himself behind me and giving me a quick shoulder-tap so that I know he's in position.

Russ tosses Uli up and over his head as she does a toe-touch. This is a pretty darn easy stunt that looks fantastic. I catch her and duplicate the feat, tossing her back to Alex, who catches her and rebounds up into a Chair. Fa-LASHy! As they're Chairing up, I spin & toss Uli in a toe-touch over to Russ, who follows Alex's lead up into a Chair. Pretty gnifty. I spin around Russ & Uli as Alex & Miranda cradle, then Russ & I toss Uli in a very easy yet amazingly neat-looking Cannon Throw. She chest-cradles (ouch on the breasts, IMO, but she insists) and Russ and I look stupidly at one another in confusion because we almost invariably cannot remember our next choreography. While we do the poleaxed calf routine, Miranda & Alex are tossing Uli up for a half-barrel-roll (they should do a 540 instead of a 180, IMO) and then setting her gently out onto her poor little noggin'. Sometimes, that is. At other times, she executes a sweet back walkover, instead.

By the Russ & I have pulled our respetive heads out, and he goes off to do whatever the heck it is that he does next. I've been pinned in place by Miranda's gaze, for she is about to initiate my single most difficult stunt of the set. I drop into a crouch and Miranda springs, gazelle-like, toward me. With an effortless bound she steps into my hands and WHEEE it's like magic as the girl rides gracefully up, spins, and comes down in my hands in a nearly-perfect nearly-every-time walkup. She stunts crazy-good, she does. It fills my heart with blood.

And then both of our pulses shoot right through the ceiling, for next is the pop-to-cupie. Russ & Alex are holding Uli up in an inverted lotus, while walking across the foot of the stage. As they do this, I pop Miranda up into a Cupie, which is a wicked-hard stunt. Well, it's wicked-intermediate if you're a competitive cheerleader. The trick is the pop and the grip. If those are right, Miranda can stand atop a broomstick and keep her balance. She's one of those delightful girls who was born with a gyroscope insider her abdominal cavity. She redefines "tight" (shut up, pervos, "tight" in stunting means "motionless like a pencil".) So she perches both her feet atop my hand and then defies gravity. I help by lifting her up with one arm and doing my very utmost best to keep her centered perfectly over my right shoulder, without toeing her off front or heeling her off backward. When we get the right pop & grip, I can hold her there forever, which is what we're supposed to do while the Inverted Lotus travels across in front of us. On flim it looks way cool when it hits right.

Once they've crossed us, I cradle and throw her off leftward without any regard for her continued existence - the mark of a good cheerdude. I'm beelining for Uli, who really has no way down from the Inverted Lotus without me. She insists that the spinny-dismount is clumsy but I think it's pretty cool, myself. Then Alex & I get into position beyind Miranda & Uli, while Russ... what the hell does Russ do there? Knowing him, it's very nearly a show-stealer. That dude can vamp better than any of us.

This part has been labeled "The Funky Breakdown." Alex & Miranda do exactly what I & Uli do. At least, that's the theory, but for some reason we have mad difficulty synchronizing. I do it to musical cues but I suspect that Alex is counting it. Poor padawan. He must find his own path.

We each hold our flyer by the hands, with her arms over her head. As the funkiness begins the girls spin toward us, drop, and leap up as we heave mightily. They swing around, one leg dragging behind as they circle us. The move is called the Stripper Pole. Russ hates it but I don't know why. I think it's totally sweet. The girls end upside-down and we heave 'em up, where they spin and drop down into front straddle-splits, then back up where we do pointy-slinky synchronized poses to a musical cue. 'Tis most sweet.

Then we each lift our girl up into an Angel, wherein they put their elbows on Russ' hands and raise one leg. It probably looks pretty cool. But at that point I'm thinking, "Must breathe. Must hold this. Feeling will return to my arms at some point after cradling." We cradle, then Russ and I do a dorky high-five shoulder-slap thingy, then there's a musical cue that for some reason we don't hit the Basket Toss on. And then the previously-mentioned Basket Toss goes up - Miranda does killer toe-touches! We really need to learn a tuck, though. They're so simple it's ridiculous, but both Miranda and Uli portray the impression that a Basket Toss backtuck is a difficult manuver. *snort* Any collegiate cheer squad can toss a simple tuck.

Anyway, it's still pretty darn impressive. We toss Miranda out and then Russ & I stand in a base pose while pointing at the audience accusingly as if it's their birthday that requires us to go through this silly craziness. Alex pops nimbly up atop our shoulders as the girls take outside positions - Uli with Russ on the right and Miranda with me on the left. Alex takes one of their hands and lifts them as they arch up, into the Double-Base Chinese Star. A Chinese Star is a moderate-level cheer stunt that's actually called a Diamondhead. It was Kazum's trademark stunt but now Uli refuses to let the group perform it because "it stands for the old Kazum". Personally I think it's 'cause Jesse loved doing that stunt because it makes the base look all studly, although the mid-flier is actually the one doing 90% of the work. He actually refused to fly it so I got to, just so that he could look studly. Anyway, when I suggested a double-base Chinese Star as the final pose Uli totally rejected it. I appealed to Miranda & Russ, who cautiously backed me up on it, and Uli finally agreed to try it. We rocked it and it's now our strongest (not to mention almost our only) 5-person stunt. I've nearly drawn blood from chewing my own lip while not saying nor insinuating "I told you so" to Uli.

In the final stunt, the girls swing one arm down, and the end result looks pretty fantastic. They're supposed to have balloons in their hands at that point, which they release (I think). But Miranda's balloons didn't work out. The girls were planning to have the balloons "somewhere backstage" and grab them on their own, but I convinced them to have Gaelen hand them their balloons. Because of that, on Friday at least Uli's balloons were present. I dunno if it looked cool. The audience sure cheered, though.

Then we pop down and Alex leads us in a bow, and yay, we're done! Well, they are. Jasper has meanwhile arranged to have himself carted out in a birthday cake, which he pops up from. I throw him over my shoulder and haul him away again.

And that's Birthday! :)

Piggies

This is one of the acts we're performing for the White Album Christmas show, which is so far the most enjoyable and exciting Kazum performance I've had the pleasure of participating in.

This is the first act that Russ has choreographed, and I gotta say that our initial diagnosis of mental & social retardation has been drastically recanted. Dude has got mad skills when it comes to putting together a presentation. Not only is he mountainous in his raw strength and reliability and solidity as a base & spotter... but he dances like a fairy and I mean that in a good way.

Piggies, as any Beatles fan can attest, is a tongue-in-cheek, satirical, yet stately number in which the proud and affluent are mocked by the proud and destitute. Few people can muster as much disgust in others' pride as those who are replete with it themselves. :) When we were first assigned to Piggies, Russ led the complaint-brigade but we all bore arms. Now that he's had his cunning way with it, though... I really like Piggies a lot.

It starts with a grand entrance: the High Bow & Arrow that we plundered shamelessly from Juanita and the Ganjou brothers. I suspect that Uli would be upset at me for posting this (assuming I had more than one reader, at least) but I think that's silly; we took quite a few of our moves from Juanita & her boys (who performed in the 50s, by the way) and it's just plain silly to me to pretend otherwise. Anyway, it really only uses 2 bases and a flyer, though adding a 3rd base provides the illusion of a 4-person stunt. The flyer gets to pose in a really cool & striking pose while the bases walk about with her up there. We use their dismount, as well - a cradle to our left arms, followed by a barrel-roll overhead to a one-arm cradle on the right. We get pretty darn close to their height, too - it's one of our more impressive stunts.

Then we lean Uli out with the guys in a head-on line, and she spins in and I shoot back under Russ' legs just before Uli dives down to follow me in a "into the rabbit hole" kind of move. It took us forever to get that working; I couldn't hit the count just right and Uli was too scared of hitting me to dive on her count. But we've finally got it... if not smoothly, at least presentably. We rabbit-hole again, and then we are supposed to do our next halfway-impressive Juanita trick. We call it the Psycho Banshee move, which isn't particularly descriptive but still oddly apt. She does a flip-dive that ends up becoming a reverse gainer (a front flip that travels backwards). But after a surprisingly non-painful head-thump followed a few days later by a whiplash-style neck injury to Uli, we've replaced the Psycho Banshee with a simple straddle-lift to a high straddle. Ridiculously simple (assuming Uli keeps her hips tight, which she usually does) but remarkably impressive-looking. Many stunts are like that. And then there are ridiculously difficult stunts that are remarkably unimpressive-looking. But I digress.

I cradle the high straddle and Alex & Russ take Uli in a jump-rope hold. Lickety-split she shoots up into a mid-high back-arch (which I totally think we could do extended) where she kicks into a back walkover. I catch that and duck under her into a shoulder sit in a manuver that looks pretty cool but feels dreadfully awkward and clumsy while performing it. Then Uli leans back, usually while insisting that I hold her feet down, which it'd frankly be difficult for me to avoid doing. If we get our timing right she shoots back up as I pop and extend her, throwing her forward into a swan-dive to her stomache in Russ & Alex's arms. It's really fun to throw, and it looks most gorgeous as well.

Then they grab her in a chair-swing type of hold, give 'er one strong forward swing, and then huck her backward toward me as though throwing her into a throne that's 8 feet off the ground. The technical name we invented for this is the High Throne, but we invariably refer to it as the Ass Catch. I suggested Booty Call but Uli shot that down for some strange reason. It's probably the most impressive part of the Piggies routine and we reliably shine at it. But it's secretly dissapointing, because the Ganjou brothers toss Juanita easily 8-10 feet, perhaps 15 feet. It's hard to tell 'cause the camera pans heavily there. We've rarely made it even 5 feet, and Uli's form is nothing like Juanita's... though of course Juanita was pretty much the epitome of a perfect flier as far as physique and form, and the Ganjou brothers were ridiculously talented at what they did as well.

After the Ass Catch I drop down so that Alex can take Uli in an Arabesque (basically a back-arch held by hands in the small of the flyer's back.) It's pretty, but it's beastly difficult to transition correctly for all 3 participants, and we've all contributed difficulties to making it as quick as it needs to be. Then Alex extends the Arabesque up and we are supposed to transition into a High Triangle, which is an L-Base trick that we extended. But it's tough to do and often it collapses, so Russ generally just takes Uli's feet immediately and holds her in a stand.

I bend over toward Alex, who drapes himself over me, buries his nose in my crack, and holds on tightly as I stand back up. This lifts him (nose still firmly encracked) into an upside-down position so that Uli can lean forward into a derivative of another L-Base stunt called the Secretary. I pivot back down in a seesaw motion, turning Alex into a lever to lower Uli to the ground.

Then we're always a little behind so it's spin and crouch across from Russ to double-base Alex, where he leans over and grabs Uli up into a hanging swing while we all lip-synch "Everywhere there's lots of piggies, leading piggy lives. You can see them out to dinner with their piggy wives."

By then we've dismounted and grabbed Uli for my very favorite of all the Ganjou troupe's copied moves: the Juanita Roll. Russ and I lift Uli in a straddle-split, then pop her up & forward so that she rolls forward with her arms reaching down. We grasp her on the way down (missing both of our hands would result in one helluva crash) and swing her around and back up. The fun part is where we release her to fly totally free as we regrip to absorb her rotational momentum, then pop down and way back up & up & up... a cradle of basket-tossesque proportions. Superfun!

Then we reposition to repeat the exact same pose that we started with. Yay, big finish!

The whole routine is stately and serene, with an element of humor that is hopefully being captured. It desperately needs to be fine-tuned and perfected, but frankly we're still just barely even hitting the stunts reliably, so we're about as good as we can be until we've drilled the stuffing out of the number.

White Album Christmas show

On Friday we gathered at the Bossanova to prepare for the first White Album Christmas show.


In many ways, this show is the most difficult that Kazum has ever done. The tricks are seriously tough. On the bright side, Piggies is only 2 minutes and Birthday is only 3 minutes. But the most challenging aspect is that we had 3 new people learning every single trick. It's not like we were just throwing in tricks we've mastered; Alex & Russ & Miranda are learning this stuff from the ground up. Plus both numbers are brand-new for all of us. So it's been a rough ride... but so worth it!


I'm not willing to claim that we put in a professional level performance. We were shaky on a few things, and while nothing dropped, we still weren't tight & polished. The night before the show we were still working desperately on the triple-base extension, and about 2 hours before showtime we finally replaced it with a walkup torch and a double-base extention. It was pretty scary. Even more scary was the conflict: Uli & I clashed several times, and Russ & Miranda had a bit of a tiff as well. Alex is the only one who hasn't bickered yet, but we'll get 'im. Oh, yes.


Uli & I had a lousy conflict right off the bat at 3:00 just as we arrived. I've processed it extensively elsewhere, and public venting isn't usually a good idea, so that's all that needs to be said about that.

The door-check process was abysmally slow. Venue staff insisted that there was no way to speed it up - the one person on duty had it totally handled, apparently, despite numerous complaints to the contrary. I personally think that they should've allocated 2 people to the door instead of 1. But one result of the entry delay is that curtain got pushed back 1/2 hour... which gave me enough time to get makeup done. Woohoo! Other things are often prioritized over Scott's makeup, and it's a sore spot for me as well as a big stressor. It was nice to actually be fully ready to perform a full 15 minutes before curtain.

The ambiance of the show is kind of a bright-paint-splashed-over-rusty-metal-and-threadbare-rags kind of dealio. We all have bright & colorful costumes & makeup, but it's all patchwork and thrown-together scraps of odds & ends. The stage is the same way. It really does a great job of conveying a professional troupe that's struggling hard to make ends meet. And having a single costumer really let the ambiance penetrate every act in the show.

We started about 10 minutes prior to curtain. All of the performers walked quietly out into the audience and lay down, often atop one another. We immediately began to doze as soon as we were set. The result was that it felt like the cast & crew were sleeping in the rafters & wings after the previous night's performance & revelry. We stayed down during the first number, and then began to stir to the beautiful & awakeningish strains of "Dear Prudence."

We stretched & yawned, quietly trading good morning greetings and cuffs, trudging along to the curtain leading backstage. Creature poured coffee for a select few, and we eventually trundled backstage by the end of the number.

This delightful audience-integration let us wander freely during the show. I got to watch Night Flight's amazing aerial hoop (the "lira" if I'm not mistaken) performance, from the balcony. In most shows it's totally inappropriate to peek out from backstage but in this show it's all part of the ambiance. I love that.

The AWOL dance collective and Night Flight were simply amazing. They're drop-dead gorgeous, of course, as well as nubile to the point of superheroinely, ridiculously scrumptious. Catwoman's got nothing on these ladies. These ladies are eyecandy that'll give wood to a blind man at 60 paces through thick fog. But that's not their primary attribute, which is a welcome change from many of the cabaret & burlesque shows I've seen. These girls are freakin' talented. Their synchronization is exquisite; better than most such routines I've seen. The difficulty level is amazing. And the showmanship (showomanship?) really adds that extra gasp to the visual orgasm that they invoke so artfully. And most importantly... they're classy. There's nothing sluttish about their demeanor, makeup, smiles, or routines. Any cute chick can evoke lust, but drawing forth desire is a whole new level of yum. The AWOL ladies and Night Flight girls are totally worth the price of admission all on their own.

Meanwhile, the NoWhere band was kicking out Beatles music that was simply astounding. I was particularly impressed by their lead guitarist and their drummer, as well as John Averill's vocal performance. I mean, the whole band kicked serious ass, but those three were somethin' else.

One of my favorite parts of the night was Gaelen. Not only did she help me wonderfully in getting through inter-Kazum conflict stress, but she was also a superb gopher for Kazum as well as for Noah. She ran a ton of errands in her car, she undertook various responsibilities and made sure they happened, and she kept hitting on me and making me feel all manly & awesome. It was a way, way better night for me (as well as for Kazum, IMO) because of her presence. Not to mention that she's great arm-candy. *preen* That's my girl.

Leapin' Louie did back-to-back numbers that fit his style really well. That guy's been entertaining since the West was One, and he never fails to deliver his thigh-slappin', low-falutin' brand of gawky humor. Behind the stage he's a really nice guy, and he was all excited that his wife & daughter were there for the show. He showed off his daughter's artwork where she'd drawn all kinds of showtime events on a table napkin. It was great stuff.

I didn't get to see much of Rhys Thomas' routine, but he's a ridiculously talented performer as well. I see him at various events around Portland. He's another dude who's been making a living as a performer for like 60 or 70 years. Well, maybe 30 or 40. Okay, 20 or so. But he'll still be doing his thang in 50 years if there's a planet left to perform on. I did see him warming up his tightrope-walking juggling routine - pure nuts, is Rhys. People often compliment me on my balance... like holding people up is a tremendously balancey thing to do. I am a stumbling buffoon compared to Rhys Thomas. That's not saying much; I'm a stumbling buffoon compared to a great many folk. I can, however, do backflips.

I got to see Cherry spin fire-poi for the first time, which was awesome. She's another great performer, and her costume was exquisite. She did a fire-spinning backward roll that blew me away. That girl knows what she's doing. I can't even imagine how many millions of times her poi have circled her. It's cool to watch people who can do physical stuff that's difficult and you can tell that it takes about as much concentration and effort as it does for us normal Joes to blink our eyes.

Creature and Noah, of course, reveled in their buffoonish and glib interplay that makes them so amazing when they share a stage. They're both excellent performers, and their styles are different enough yet enough alike that it's more than double the pleasure when they pair up. Added into the mix for the first time was Jasper Patterson, the youthful patriarch of the next generation of old-school Gypsie-blooded vaudeville performers. He comes from a tribe of folk that perform while they sleep because it's genetically melded into them. I had the delightful pleasure of lurking on the sidelines as the gypsy crew danced and sang and laughed around their fireside at the OCF. I felt quite the interloper, but that was cool because these people have a culture that baffles me because I'm just astute enough to catch a shimmering glimpse of its interwoven complexities. I can barely keep from insulting my best friends out of social retardation, so the Stage Left vaudevillians evoke a level of nervousness in me that makes it hard to pee. This effect in no way diminishes my admiration for their talents and the warmth that they extend to Kazum (and thereby, to shy little ol' me).

I got to bear Jasper's weight - twice, in fact. In his triumphant emergence as a talented performer, he claims 3 juggling knives and I "tackle" him into a shoulder-sit. There he holds his flashing steel to my throat and forces me to lift him to a shoulder-stand (I wanted an extension but Noah & Jasper wisely overrode my puppyish exuberance). There he juggles the knives while I try to pretend I'm pretending about being nervous. The night before the show I had a dream wherein a falling knife severed my ear and I had to try to convince the audience that it was fake blood while getting offstage without passing out. I'm not actually worried about it despite Alex Cougarbait Mancandy Boytoy going on at length what it would sound like to have a juggling knife embedded in the top of my skull.

I also get to lift Jasper in a fireman's carry while extracting him from a birthday cake after Kazum's "Birthday" performance.

There was a really amazing hoop routine by Revolva - another case where the ridiculously impossible is made to look like a casual stroll. This girl did some of the most amazing hooping I've ever had the pleasure of ogling. Amazingly talented, and bone-growingly scrumptious as well.

Naia helped with makeup and costumes. She also did a great job of validating my concern re: makeup, and soothing my stress. I love Naia, though I suspect she has to fight hard to not view me with the same disgust that her peers do. I appreciate her putting up that fight. She's always been very awesome to me, at least to my face. I doubt she does much sticking up for me behind my back, but I also have high hopes that she doesn't do much actual slandering back there, either. She's someone I earnestly enjoy seeing whenever I see her.

Mahon (May-Honn) helped tremendously with costumes. She's probably the most visually striking person I've ever seen before. She takes "red" to a whole new level - her dreads, her sweater, her makeup, her clothing. She's a little intimidating, actually, until she speaks and then she just melts hearts. Alex and I both agreed that of all the beautiful ladies in attendance, Mahon probably led the list of "chicks to be infatuated with". If Miranda doesn't agree then I'd risk thinking about accusing her of not really being gay (though I'd never say such a thing 'cause I value my jewels). I dunno about Russ... dude baffles me when it comes to women. The only woman I know from his life is the one lady he hasn't bedded (Susan, his really cool dance partner). I gotta party with Russ and see how he does his thing.

Melody is the lead costumer. Her primary trait for me is that she's the mom of the most adorable little critter I've seen since Nathan started talking. His name is Noah and he's a kid whose coolness defies description. Both Melody and her hubby ("J" as in "Jeremy") are entranced, but J is often non-distracted enough to be utterly and visibly wrapped around his kid's chubby little finger. That trait right there buys a father a lot of real estate in the landscape of my heart. But Melody's more than a mama, oh goodness yes. She's waded through fiendish quantities of time to produce a wardrobe for the show that holds to the amazing theme that really breathes life into the whole production. She's measured us each 30 or 40 times, and her poor fingers are usually numb from various feats of sewmanship. It's gotta be a real trip for her to see all of her amazing costumes dancing about doing their thing onstage.

There was one disappointing part in Friday's show... poor luck resulted in the band stepping on Noah's trademark "Laaaaaaaaaaadies and Gentlemen!" intro. I love that intro; it kicks both crowd and performers into Excitement Mode.

The Bellini Twins performed, but I didn't catch their show, to my chagrin. I've seen them before and they're amazing - a brand of humor that's tough to pull off well. Plus they're incredibly athletic. I saw them at the Clowns Without Borders show early in the summer of 2008, and I absolutely loved their stuff.

Okay, on to Kazum's numbers. :) I think I'll sign out of this entry and write a separate blog about each number. Not 'cause I think that many people will much care about the ins & outs of a Kazum number, but because that way I can isolate & read about it later on. I have one subscribed reader (Alex, maybe?) but a lack of commentary reassures me that my primary audience is, as usual, myself. And honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.

My Daily Routine

So, here's my life now. I wake up with an angel who suffers from stinkface. I usually slink out of bed without waking her so that she can get extra sleep. Alex is almost always up very near the time I get up. We banter a bit and he makes some incredibly delicious breakfast that's uber-nutritious and tasty. I do dishes while he cooks. We eat and banter. Then I wake Gaelen, teasing her about her stinkface as well as whatever else I can come up with. The level of teasing depends heavily on the previous night's activities. I'm one of the most difficult dudes I've ever heard of to get off. So if I'm an ounce heavy then I'm a real bastard in the AM. Like a kitten that's all pissy. The best word is "feisty," I think. If I'm an ounce light then I'm way sweeter. Sorry, baby... it's not your fault but you bear an unfair level of the side-effects.

So I often take impish glee in tormenting and pestering the poor girl outta bed. Cold hands are my new favorite implement; she put a quick and stern end to tickling in the morning. Some people have no sense of fun whatsoever. One of these days when I'm confident enough that she won't dump me, I'm going to hold her down and tickle her thoroughly. Any of my kids can tell ya what that means. I think she'll love it on the inside, though she'll surely pretend to disapprove.

When Gaelen leaves her bed she has 2 destinations, always in the same order. The toilet (where she leans forward and looks at me while she pees) and then out to the balcony to smoke at least 1 Camel menthol. Perk! I'm so glad I'm not dating a Marlborough smoker. *shudder* Menthol I can take or leave. But Camel is the cheap-o cigarrette of choice for me. When I splurge money on smokes I get American Spirit 'cause they're even better. But they're more spendy, too... luckily I can smoke on a single pack for a long time so it's not that big of a deal.

If Alex has been brotherly enough to make coffee (he usually is) then she snags a cup on the way to the balcony. She wears her cute fuzzy bathrobe. She looks like a lesbian housewife in it, sucking back java and smoking. Super adorable.

Then we take turns showering and she's no longer a stinkface, which is always a little sad. She's the only stinkface I've ever known who can be cute and rank at the same time. And it's not like she's super-stinkface. She's just a normal stinkface like anyone. I suspect that my breath & skin are less than pristine in the morning, too.

More coffee, more smokes, and then she's ready to start her day. I'm generally on my way out to work by then. We take a predictably long time to smooch and snuggle and say our sappy goodbyes as though I'm setting forth to plunder the ocean's bounty and she doesn't know if the StormGods will wrest me from her forever. I boldly walk out into the Bright (well, usually the Drizzly Grey; Portland) and I feel like a man who's left his little woman behind while he hunts & gathers. It's eerie; she isn't domestic at all but I still feel more like a "hubby" with her than I really ever did when married. Both of the wives I married were adamantly against cooking anything for their husband; in today's world that means that a woman is subjugated and disrespected, you see. So they were both militantly opposed to "serving a man". Alex, on the other hand, has no such hangups and seems to honestly enjoy preparing breakfast for me. So it's not like Gaelen gets to claim any responsibility for my feelings of content as I leave with a bellyfull of hot yum. But she's still part of the whole picture.

If we ever get married maybe we can adopt Alex. Then she'll finally be his real mom and I'll finally really be his Big Daddy.

I drive to work and do the work thang all day. But I'm feeling happy & completed instead of dull and listless. I can't wait for work to end because there are things to look forward to. Two weeks ago work ended with "either practice or seeking some fun, and then another night alone before work". Now work ends with "either practice or Gaelen, and then another wild night of tenderness and bonding before scrumptious breakfast". It wasn't miserable before by any means! But it's way better now.

Oh, speaking of "domestic Gaelen"... this morning as I was taking out the trash I said to Alex, "I don't suppose Gaelen does this very often, either." - referring to her notable lack of dishwashing motivation. Alex snorted and shot me a look of deep expression.

She ain't really into domestic things. :) Kind of like Ghandi wasn't really into slavery. That's okay; Heather wasn't into domestic things at all either, and I've learned how to take care of myself, my kids, and often roommates that I may or may not be married to. My mom was a great teacher there: I've learned to love serving the people I care about. And Gaelen doesn't actively oppose me; Heather did. So it's all good. Plus I get to help diminish her impact on Alex by absorbing some of it: her dishes, her clothing left scattered about, etc.

Poor Gaelen: she's gonna be pissed or wounded when she reads all this. But she's tough and she knows that Alex and I both love her deeply. Plus she's plenty fiesty herself and she'll surely have some things to post in response. Poor kid still thinks she can compete with me in cleverness. It's adorable. But she's naturally handicapped in that she types slowly and I am the SpamMaster. Plus the electroshock therapy impacts her ability to form complete sentences. The drooling is getting way better, though.

*preen*

At any rate, after work I either bolt to practice, pausing only long enough to stop by my place (if I didn't on the way to work) to change kitty-litter, feed & water critters, swap clothing, and give the critters some power-loving snuggle-petting on a time-budget.

I also usually stop by Jack in the Box where Jenkins meets Cedar Hills Blvd, for my never-altering quick meal: $1 Chicken Sammich and $1 Hamburger Deluxe, plus 2 waters. I'm a thirsty dude. The chicken sammich is my concession to health; fat-saturated chicken is way healthier than fat-saturated beef. (*snort*) Actually, the biggest source of self-disgust I feel for my JitB habit is that I'm consuming factory-farmed animals. I've personally been responsible for at least a dozen chickens and half a cow, raised in a horrible environment and killed cruelly. That actually does keep me up at night. Why do I eat such fare? $2, 2-minutes. I couldn't afford to pay more, and I don't make food preparation any kind of a priority. So, I contribute to factory farming. That sucks and I'm ashamed of it.

Then it's a lovely jaunt to the parking lot known as Highway 26. On the bright side, that highway travels through a forested ravine that is absolutely breathtaking if I take the time to admire it past the gleaming chrome and expensive paint. At the bottom of the drive it passes through a tunnel, and emerges *POW* into a lit-up metropolis that often takes my breath away. I love that tunnel. My kids call it "Daddy's favorite tunnel" quite reliably whenever we pass through it. It's one of the few things that makes me happy I live in Beaverton, 'cause I get to drive through it twice a day on most days. It's just as good the other direction... out of the urban canyons and into the forested crevice that cleaves between the Zoo and the radio towers. It's deeply awesome.

At the bottom of the tunnel is where the crowders shove in front of the people who are obeying the "no lane changes" signs, forcing everyone behind them to wait for 2 or 3 seconds while they cut in front. Multiple that by 100 cars or so, and each crowder is responsible for a surprisingly large portion of the delay that the right lane suffers as it comes down the hill. I hate the crowders, and I occasionally get the opportunity to refuse to let them crowd (aka "merge") at the last minute. I'd happily puncture every one of their tires, key their cars (I've actually done that to the Greedy Parkers in fancy cars *sigh*) and eat their young.

But only if the young were 18+ and consenting and I wasn't in a monogamous relationship, which I am and that's the whole damn subject of this post so why the hell am I going off about the crowders? Because they suck, that's why, and 95% of them are too obtuse to even realize it. Obtuse suckage offends me deeply for some reason. I, of course, never suffer from obtuse suckage. *guilty blush*

Next I creep across the I-5 bridge with all the other shmucks... 5% crowders and 95% crowdees. I get to the Egg (aka the Launchpad gallery) where Kazum practices, and I change (almost always right out in public 'cause honestly nobody but Gaelen is interested in seeing that so they all just keep their eyes averted) and the super-spiffy new mats are all set up and it's time to warm up. Warm-up is pretty cool. Then we stretch for like 45 minutes... Russ and I are cheer dudes who don't dig that. Russ just doesn't participate, but I do 'cause I recognize the benefits of being flexible, and not stretching is a great way to maintain inflexibility. And then we practice! Yay!

At 9:00 people other than me start yearning to leave. I love practice, usually, and I'm happy to stay as long as anyone else is willing. By 9:30 or 9:45 we're outta there; mats put up, people dressed, conditioning finished, and comfortable exhaustion snuggling us along home.
I drive out to Alex's & Gaelen's place. Alex gives Uli a ride home; a privelege that I am jealous of but I grudgingly accord to him. I miss bonding with Uli on the way to her place, and hanging out & talking with her outside her place. A few months ago something happened to put a wedge between her and I. I suspect that her psychic is involved in that but it doesn't really matter. I've been working on healing it and it feels like it often gets better... but lately there have been a few things that seem to have aggravated it. But I love her deeply and she loves me too and I'm really glad she's in my life. Maybe I can alternate with Alex on who gets to take her home... though I get the impression that she'd rather not ride with me, lately. She's way too sweet to ever say that, though.

Anyway, then it's back to House ThurowDial for some bantering, food, movies, video games, music, and all manner of Tomfoolery before retiring to Gaelen's bedroom for snuggling and sweating and groaning and hours & hours of pillow talk.

It's a pretty sweet life. I hope it stays this way for a long time.

Gaelen & me: Dating

So, Gaelen and I have been pretty much 24-7 ever since then. Within a day or two she announced that she loved me... knocked my socks off. Here's why:

See, I wasn't Wookin' Po Nub (as Eddie Murphy says). I was interested in some light dating, preferably without nookie. And I was open to a committed relationship, but I wasn't about to go seeking one. That way lies madness. So when I discovered that Alex's hot little lesbian sister-roommate wanted me in her bed I was thrilled! She'd keep living her libidinous lifestyle, we'd be buddies, and there'd be excellent benefits. Pretty much perfect.

And then she falls for me, and informs me that she's very monogamous when she's in a relationship. That puts me at huge risk of falling for her. That doesn't sound like a terrifying thing. But it is, 'cause she's firmly agnostic and I've got a solid testimony of the LDS gospel. That's not that big of a deal until we have a kid. And at that point it becomes pretty much insurmountable. She has every right in the world to raise her child to not believe in God. And I can't even imagine raising a child without the gospel being present in the child's life. So it's a hard stop unless one of us changes our core belief structure. That's so unlikely it's nearly worth describing as impossible. I suspect that Gaelen would describe it as impossible.

But until our path together hits the marriage-gate I think we've got a great shot at walking closely together. We're really wonderful together in every way, so far. Obviously, a week and a half ain't a whole lotta time. I suspect that there are age differences lurking below the breakers. I think that lifestyle differences could prove tough. But mostly I'm amazed at how much more prepared I am for a serious relationship, compared with prior to marrying Heather. I learned so amazingly much while married to her. I had to. I'm really grateful for that.

She called last night to talk about tomorrow's schedule with the boys. I asked her to make a few minor modifications in the schedule, which is one of her challenges; she "needs" to have things set and solid and under her control. But she handled it wonderfully and gracefully; she's either made some amazing improvements since the divorce, or our relationship was crippling her ability to function. Probably both. I'm so happy about that improvement in her (and my) life. And as I hung up with her I commented to Alex & Gaelen, "I love that woman. I'd totally divorce her again." In retrospect it sounded mean, but I didn't mean it that way. I meant that divorcing her let both of us make leaps in our own progress.

Nothing like going off about the ex-wife while posting about the new relationship. *guilty smile* Poor Gaelen. That girl has to deal with lots. Not only am I a big geeky dork but I pull crap like this all the time.

Okay, so back to journalling. I think it was the second night we spent together that Gaelen said that she loved me. It really knocked me for a loop. When I dated Karen we were both really careful to avoid falling in love. And that was super-smart. Neither of us was in a good place for that. She places the bulk of that unreadiness on me... and she's probably right.

This time, though... I am ready. Things might not work out (which is okay) but it won't be because I wasn't ready.

I returned Gaelen's love and she asked, "Are you sure?" It was a damn good question. I thought about it deeply for a while, prodding and poking at it logically as well as just feeling for the truth of it. And then I realized that of course I was. I was in a perfect place to fall deeply for her. We've both been amazingly direct and blunt and honest. I told her all my horrible past history stuff right away; she's very non-sensitive to most of that so it was pretty easy for her to hear. There just isn't much use in either of us concealing anything at all... though she's remarkably resistant to my communicating with anyone else in her life other than Alex. That actually scares me a bit. But we'll see how it turns out, as I start to meet her people. Unless I don't... and if that happens it'll eventually be a huge red flag.

Heh... the above comment should give us something to talk about. :)

But what really cinched my answer to "Are you sure" is that I realized not only did everything feel right... but I am a smart and sensitive guy who is attracted to Gaelen. Any such person would have to have something seriously wrong with them to not fall for her. Perhaps for the first time ever, the stuff that's seriously wrong with me isn't getting in the way.

I next asked her if she was my girlfriend. She replied, "Soon." She gave a few vague reasons, which was fine... I wasn't pushing; I was just wondering. We've since worked through those things and I officially asked her and she officially agreed. But for a short while I got to introduce her to every one as my girlfriend despite her immediate rebuttal. The best was when I introduced her to Kazum (minus Miranda) and some associated folk.

Scott proudly crows, "This is my girlfriend Gaelen!"
Gaelen curtly and clearly corrects, "I am not your girlfriend. Hello, nice to meet you."

It was awesome. :) But then a few days later we made it official so now I don't get to try to foist her off as my woman anymore, 'cause she actually is. And, that's better, so I'll cope somehow.

We look deeply different, though... someone at work today described her as "fairy-Goth lesbian" which is super-descriptive. I'd describe myself (and Gaelen has backed me up on this) as "creepy old dork". I'm not actually creepy but I come through that way until you get to know me. I'm not actually a dork, either... ouch, that was almost painful to type. That's like me claiming not to be clever, or claiming to be a virgin, or claiming to have fashion sense.

I wrote a ton about my daily routine but I'm gonna post that in another blog entry.

Naia's party, Miranda

Nobody wants to read steamy details, I've decided. Well, people might, but that's too bad.

I do wanna catch up a bit, though.

There were two parties that night to go to. Uli was excited to go to Naia's Welcome Home party, and I was, too. But I was even more excited to go to Miranda's party. Miranda is the newest Kazumite. I should introduce her.

A few months ago, prior to Kazum becoming Zacless, we did a benefit show for the Sprockettes. Alex (son; 13) came along, 'cause he was living with me during the summer. We were greeted to a nude bike parade as we arrived, which was a surprise. The venue was awesome but the performance was a challenge for a few reasons. I had a lousy performance, nearly forgetting things constantly. We missed a Chinese Star (Kazum's name for the common cheer stunt called a DiamondHead) although we repeated it and nailed it. One of the girls got hurt, there was discomfort about some other stuff... all in all the girls had a miserable night. Zac and I didn't, though, and we've learned how to have a great time regardless of others.

Accordingly, we decided to set up our mats and do some freestyle stunting & acro & gymnastics. Zac was gonna do it anyway and he's stupid-crazy if not reigned in. So it was purelyin the interests of safety that I joined him. Really.

As we were hanging around resting after the show, I noticed a cute little redheaded girl who epitomizes "attractive" in a girl (for me). I pointed her out to Melissa and mouthed "My Type!"

A few minutes later the hot little redhead and her date paused as they walked past. She started talking to me, obviously really excited about the show and impressed and stuff. Flushed with confidence, and trusting that she was with some dude, I jabbered at her happily rather than pulling my customary duck & cover routine when meeting a pretty girl. She'd competed in double-stunting in college and she was jonesing to get back into it. I invited her to stick around and stunt with Zac and I. She did! And that's how I met Miranda.

Uli & Melissa were really hesitant about this. But they gave me permission to not only stunt with her while the rest of Kazum was on their Chautauqua tour, but also to use the Egg. So, Alex and Miranda and Ben and I did so. Ben is a cool guy I met at Do-Jump.

Miranda asked if I wanted to enter the Mercury Talent Show with her. I was totally down. Again, Uli and Melissa were not, but they didn't forbid it, either. So Miranda and I tried out. The tryout was pretty disastrous, though. :( And afterward Miranda sorta dropped out of touch... until I suggested that Uli call her when we discovered that Melissa was gonna be a mama. Uli & Miranda hit it off immediately, as I'd hoped they would, and Miranda's been an absolutely amazing addition to the group.

Anyway, Miranda was having a party that I really wanted to go to after Naia's Welcome Home bash. Gaelen had sent me the Sure Thing text message, and I was excited to spend time at the party with her and Alex. I also brought Jed, Aaron and Zane. Jed drove and we'd planned for him to drive back home with Aaron & Zane, while I hung out with Gaelen & Alex.

The party was much fun. Alex hit it off with Creature Nick & Cherise, which I figured would happen despite the initial black mark Alex got by being introduced by me. Nick & Cherry are awesome and they treat me great but they can't stand me. We're more or less the epitome of opposites in too many ways. :) And that's why it's really cool that we get along well.

It was great to see Naia, too. I love that girl.

Zane was a little obnoxious. He's going through some kind of young adult midlife crisis that's semi-baffling and quite annoying. I like him and I want to support him but he's just really tough to be around. And drinking makes that even worse.

Uli wanted to stay at the party well into the night, and then she wanted to go home. That's what nights with Uli are often like... it drives Aspen crazy sometimes. :) This time we were her ride, so we were all required to leave and take her home instead of going to Miranda's party. By then it was pretty darn late, anyway, so it wasn't a huge issue... but I'm still really bummed that I couldn't go to Miranda's shindig.

As we left, Gaelen informed us that Zane had spouted forth some cryptic stuff and then walked off into the night. Aaron went looking for him without any luck. Suddenly I had to either abandon my date and go hunting for crisis-boy, or put Aaron and Jed in charge of finding him. I chose the latter, with Jed's assurances that he was fine with that. So off they went looking for Zane the Distraught. Alex was having fun so he stayed at Naia's place. The rest of us took Uli home and then I went to Gaelen's place with her.

Jed & Aaron found Zane, who refused to be fetched. So Aaron had to abandon Jed and babysit Zane. That sucked; Jed had to drive home alone and illegally. He got lost twice, but he called and I walked him back to the route home.

And that was the end of the party portion of the evening! I was gonna post a blog about me & Gaelen but that's just not something that anyone wants to know about. Or if they do, they should be ashamed of themselves. Suffice it to say that Gaelen attacked me and we spent one of the most glorious nights of my life, together.

Yum.

Gaelen & me: The evening

So that night I got another couple of bantering-type texts from her. Nothing romantic, just friend stuff. The next day there was a Kazum practice and when I picked up my phone afterward I saw that I'd received a message: "I will pay for all the text message charges I incur if you will spend a night in my bed."

My whole body flushed. This wasn't a maybe; this was a warm and eager offer of a sure thing. She knew very well that I'm a lousy hint-taker, so she was her characteristic blunt & forward self. I appreciate that more than she'll ever know.

I showed off my neat new message to the Kazum folks, though I hid her name so that I could spring it on 'em as a surprise.

When I got home I showed Aaron, and Jed, and I was so giddy I could barely sleep.

I did feel bad about my crush: the wonderful lady from iHeart. So I wrote her an email explaining what was up, what I felt, and how I was concerned. She responded pretty quickly and reassured me that she was thrilled for me and every bit as happy about being my email pal.

It was the perfect setup! Gaelen was obviously sowing her customary wild oats and I was the chosen plow!

The next evening was the party that Uli invited us to: a surprise welcome-home party for Naia, a friend of Kazum and the last girl I spent the night with (at 2007 OCF; a brief and casual encounter that was fun and non-problematic.) Alex & Gaelen both planned to attend, and I invited Jed & Aaron & Zane as well. We hustled on over and had a great evening. Normally I'd write all about it, but I've got more steamy things to get to... except that I need to take off for practice.

To be continued...

My Buddy's Lesbian Roommate

Alex is the newest male member of my performing group, Kazum. From the first day I met him we had a bond, and it's only gotten stronger. He's probably my closest friend, after only a month or two of knowing each other. That's pretty amazing.

His roommate is a girl named Gaelen. She's primarily lesbian, though Alex has been giving her some well-deserved flak for dating a disproportionate number of guys lately. I met her a few weeks ago when I went over with Jarom & Aaron to play board games. She responded to me as I would expect a stylish and independant young lesbian to respond: polite but totally uninterested in getting to be friends. She didn't find me repulsive exactly... but she had no attraction whatsoever. She's striking and beautiful, but totally not my type. Short bleached hair, makeup that's dark enough to hint at Goth... very much a lesbian image.

Alex introduced her as "The Golden Vagina". Apparently the guys & girls she spends the night with all seem to fall hopelessly into infatuation with her.

She's pretty much Alex's younger sister. They met 10 years ago when she was 14 and he was 17. They grew up in the same tiny inbred southern Oregon town. They've been close friends ever since, with never the slightest hint of romantic attraction. They joke and banter and have a great relationship that reminds me a lot of siblings. Since Alex obviously vouched strongly for both of us, we were plenty friendly but there was just no interest in hanging out at all. And that was Gaelen.

Over the last few weeks I've gone over there a few times to play board games with Alex and various pals. Gaelen's sometimes there, and we get to say hi and stuff, but that's about it. Still, it was cool to get comfortable. At one point I said something like, "You're never going to be attracted to me, right? I can just let that go and not worry about it?" She was very earnest and clear in assuring me that I was correct. It was great; since then I've been her buddy and I can ignore that she's very pretty and she has girlparts.

I went over last week sometime with Tasha (my sis) and Jarom (her hubby) and Aaron (their roommate) and Zane (their other roommate who's moving out soon). We cajoled Gaelen into playing board games with us, and we all had a really great time. I ended up playing guitar & singing a bit, and Gaelen played & sang a bit as well. She's a professional-level singer. Her voice is absolutely astounding. I was utterly blown away. I made her play & sing for Tasha and the others as well, and we were all really impressed. Aaron and Tasha really dug her. Tasha and I took some time to remark that we both found ourselves wanting her to sing her sultry crooning yearning song to me (meaning we both found her singing to be very tempting even though we both knew she wasn't into either of us.)

Over the Thanksgiving holiday there was an event going on that all 3 of us were invited to, by Uli (one of the 2 Kazum girls). Alex and I were down, but Gaelen was nervous 'cause she only knew the two of us. So she said that she'd only go if we were both going. It was a few days later, but I was tickled pink. I knew she didn't see me as attractive; she was just comfortable with me and liked me. That was a great compliment and I loved it.

And then she threw me a curve-ball. She sent me a text... here, I've kept it. I doubt I'll ever erase it: "11/28/08 04:14 AM The more you're around, the more I find you mildly attractive. Im telling you this just because I know it will drive you nuts. Don't tell alex. He'll surely slap me. Goodnight, love."

Awww! :)

I checked in with Alex to see if maybe she liked me a little. He looked at me as though I'd asked him if maybe he'd like to put his testicles into boiling water. He assured me with great conviction that she was just friendly, and I took him at his word.

I invited her and Alex to come hang out on Thursday night (the night of Turkey Day). Alex couldn't 'cause he had modeling to do early in the morning. But Gaelen said, "What the heck, sure. I'm your pal, too." She came over and we all played Rock Band... me, Jarom, Aaron, and Jed (my oldest; 15). It was a blast, and Gaelen blew us all away with her vocal skills. That girl has got a golden voice.

After the Rock Band fun, I suggested doing another AirSoft hunting excursion. Did I blog about that? Jed & Aaron & Zane & I all dressed in black and took AirSoft guns into the nearby nature park, where we proceeded to hunt one another to extinction. FUN! I was itching to go out again, as was Aaron, but Jarom & Gaelen weren't into that. And Jed was tired so he went to bed.

So, Aeron and Gaelen and I went for a walk through the nature park at midnight, instead. It was really fun. Gaelen sidled up to me and we walked together, one arm around each other's waist. Awww! It was really neat. And the coolest part was that it wasn't sexual. My 2 years of abstinence really paid off, methinks.

We traipsed here and there, stopping often to talk for long periods. All 3 of us had a relaxed and wonderful time.

As we were on the homeward loop we heard a trickling brook, and Gaelen forged off of the path to investigate. Forging off the path in Oregon is similar to traversing a South American rainforest. But there was a path; the gurgling water had obviously attracted a few other visitors over the summer. We finished up beside the brook, which was pretty darn loud. Fallen trees provided a great vantage point to look down on the water. The moonlight was dim but adequate, and the forest was dark and mysterious and full of life... although it was all suspended due to our presence.

It was the perfect setting for a first kiss, and while my shyness is crippling when I ain't sure, I was pretty confident that a romantic overture would be well received.

You know the feeling you get when you first lean slowly in to kiss someone and they meet you and the rest of the world swirls away like watercolor paints in a bathtub drain? Ah, that wonderful feeling. There's just nothing quite like it in the whole world. It's one of my favorite emotions. The kiss was tender and sweet, but quite heated just below the surface. I'm pretty sure that my hair stood on end a little, and our bodies pressed closer. It was one of those kisses that makes time seem like an abstract concept. And it was one of those kisses that leaves you satisfied and peaceful and happy. I hate to be so bold as to call it the perfect first kiss, but it beats the damn stuffing out of a kiss in a movie theater or the back seat of a car. It's the most romantic and giddy first kiss I myself have ever experienced.

Edit: I've added a more detailed account of our First Kiss.

We moseyed back to my place, and I bid Gaelen a warm farewell. I don't think I hugged her... I was vaguely conscious of the societal pressure of the "how to end the first date" situation, and I didn't want her to feel like I was trying to bed her, seduce her into romance, or anything like that. She went home, I went to sleep, and the memories were crystallized.

It was a great evening. One of the best I've ever had.

A Wonderful Thanksgiving

This has been the most amazing and joy-filled Thanksgiving Holiday that I can remember. I want to memorialize it but work is lurking ferociously at me from behind this browser window. I'll attempt to be brief. Few can comprehend how painful that is for me. *martyred sigh*

On Wednesday I got the boys after work and we had a delightful evening... standard stuff. Crafts & games & supper.

On Thursday (Turkey Day) we cleaned the apartment. It was great! I organized them and directed them, and we got almost the entire living room & kitchen. I love having a clean apartment again! Holidays are great for that. Best of all, we had great fun while being productive. Bonus.

We enjoyed Thanksgiving Dinner at a friend's house. Gregg is a divorced father, and his mom cooks a superb turkey dinner with the standard fixin's, and everything is made from scratch. I'm not usually one for banana-cream pie, but I was deliciously surprised. There was a big rubber ball (a Pilotes ball, I think it's called) and the boys had a blast balancing on it. We recorded several efforts; I hope to post some of the video and pictures soon. We laughed and joked and played for over an hour with that ball. It was spectacular fun.

Then we watched Wall-E. Excellent movie! The boys had seen it and they took great delight in pointing things out in case I was missing anything. I think I enjoyed their enjoyment even more than I enjoyed the movie.

We got home really late but it was so worth it. A great memory of a great day.

To be continued...

I have a crush!

It's been a while. Well, not since I had a crush. But since I had one that was returned. She even instigated it... nice.

I meet lots of single parents on iHeartSingleParents.com. I post voluminously there. No, really! I am an artist and spam is my medium. I create word-art. Not particularly good word-art, mind you. But it's certainly voluminous and that counts for something.

I've had several crushes but I stomp 'em out ruthlessly and none of 'em have ever felt returned. Mostly I just avoid women that I find attractive (not speaking about faces & bodies here) unless they live far away from Portland. That's a whole 'nother topic: Scott's avoidance of romance is deserving of many many words.

But a week or so back I met a single mom whose husband passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack, not too many months back. Hm, I worry that I'm giving the wrong impression here since the subject of this post reveals too much. I didn't horn in on the grieving widow in order to seduce her in her time of vulnerability. I ain't a Wedding Crasher kind of guy. I was just stricken by how sad and miserable the poor lady was, so I started chatting with her.

I've come to discover that beneath the confusion and grief lies a witty, funny, charming lady. That's cool; I figured she was in there and I hoped to meet her. Again, not with an eye for romance. I promised her right off the bat that I could respect her position and I wouldn't be trying to be romantic with her.

And then after a few online conversations she hits me outta the blue with a threat to come visit while she's visiting family in Seattle. I'm a little ticked off, in fact: I was the perfect gentleman and I structured the whole friendship around being pals without any romantic overtones. Who the heck is she to come toss that whole plan into the blender with nothing more than a "I'm conflicted and confused, sorry, but don't run away."

A messer-upper, that's who!

Anyway, she not only flirted with me, but then she made the outrageous accusation that I was responding in kind. I'm not one to take such things lying down, so I sat up and defended my honor. We're writing long emails each day. It's delightful. I can't even remember the giddy-happy feelings of having a crush returned and now it's sneaking up on me left and right. I have that secretive smile thing going on.

That's about it, really. I've touched relatively lightly on the "Scott can't pledge his love to anyone so keep that in mind" speech that is an undoubtedly dreadfully ineffective way to woo a damsel. She lives somewhere east of Kansas, so the risk factor of a poorly-advised romance is at least constrained to online pining. Well, other than the aforementioned upcoming potential foray into FaceToFaceLand. I can't believe I'm insinuating libidinous adventures to a nice mom of 2 who's still all torn up about her simply awesome husband's recent death. The Nice Guy club is gonna suspend my membership for sure. *sigh* I can walk lots of little old ladies across the street, though, and win my way back into their good graces.

The consideration of romance is not based in selfishiness, though. At least not entirely. I get the feeling that she wants to feel desired and feminine and ... I dunno. How much of this is just rationalization? Not that I am capable of such. *snort* Goodness, no!

Anyway, I do hope to hang out with her if she gets brave enough to drive down here from Seattle while she's visiting. I hope she brings her kids; I'm falling for them (via her descriptions) with way more relaxation than I'm falling for her. If she wants a kiss or a snuggle, awesome. If not, totally fine. I like her as a pal; that's where the deep value lies. Since she's from Far Away I can afford to indulge in some dreamy fantasies of more than pals; the risk of falling hard is remote. Besides, I'm way smarter and more experienced and healthier than I was when I last risked romance, so this time things will go differently. :)

Honestly, the last time I risked romance I knew full well that we'd fall and I was fine with that. In retrospect I'm extremely glad. My brief and wonderful relationship with Karen was awesome. We're still very close friends when the opportunity arises for that, and I regret almost nothing about dating her. Well, I regret nothing at all about dating her, but I do regret some of the choices I made while doing so.

And if scary new romance is in the cards, I'm not all that worried about it. I'd rather love and be hurt than keep my heart all carefully boxed up where it can't hurt or be hurt. Plus, honestly, I hardly know this poor ladyfriend at all and she hardly knows me, and the flirting isn't a big deal.

Hey, she's wealthy. Maybe she can afford to fly up for weekends now & then. Ooh, and buy me expensive stuff. Fund a trip to Disneyland. All kinds of good stuff. I hadn't even considered the Sugar Mama aspect until just now.

Ugh, just got a phone call from the Nice Guy club. They're sending a Chastisement Officer over right now. I'd better go practice my humble smile.

Controversial Issues

I recently got an email from a very close friend of mine. He was referring to something we talked about a few months ago, wherein I explained my viewpoints about religion, gay marriage, free will, and similar issues.

The recent Proposition 8 controversy sparked him to send me an email about these things. It surprised me; he was quoting websites that are militantly against Proposition 8 as well as websites that villainize the LDS Church heavily. I explained my personal viewpoint on stuff, though it was difficult 'cause it felt like he was making a barrage of comments about "the evil blind Christian fool who hates gays" and I have never felt like he saw me as that before. I got the impression that he had been whipped into a frenzy of angst and vitriol by the predominant liberal viewpoint of the 20-something crowd that forms the bulk of his peer group.

That's all simply background; I don't wanna discuss gay marriage or religion right now. I went through months of intense communication about that, years ago, and it was hard enough then. Right now there's so much hatred being flung about on both sides of the issue that it's something I just want to duck and cover from until the smoke begins to clear.

The part that's discussable is how caught up we get in controversial things.

I have felt the pounding pulse, the tunnel-vision, the flushed face, the hastened speech and the raised voice that accompanies something that I feel very emotional about. I know the power of the chemicals that my body releases when my emotions are tumultuous. It's pretty scary stuff.

But the scary part is what happens when 2 or more people get together and agree about controversial issues. When our viewpoint gets echoed back to us, it's strengthened. Keep it up for a few minutes and we're all convinced that we're right. Keep it up for a few hours and we're all convinced that only a fool could possibly disagree with us. Keep it up for a few days and we're edging into a conviction that the hate-filled idiots who disagree with us ought to be shown a thing or two.

Mob mentality happens with surprising stealth. I've participated in group consciousness activities that horrified me deeply in retrospect. As more people joined the mob, the more I found myself divulging from my own ethical and moral outlooks. I began to accept the mob's morality about things that I would never conceive of legitimizing if it was just me.

In the last 2 years I've reveled in my role as the Secret Spy between left- and right-wing viewpoints. I was raised in a culture that's utterly dominated by conservative religion and I accepted that. I choose to ostracize myself from that society in many ways; I stopped going to church and I grew long hair and I smoked and drank and swore and slept with wimmen. So I got to see how heathens are treated in Utah and it was pretty shocking. I stepped out of the mob and suddenly realized how horrifying the torches and pitchforks looked from an individual's perspective. It was really enlightening.

At the same time, I also knew the mindset of the majority. They weren't rabid haters; they were filled with love and desire to benefit their fellow man. As a body, they meant well and I knew it. And even more surprising was my gradual realization that the religion didn't sponsor the mobbery and hatred that some of them were displaying. It was the culture, formed upon people and their weaknesses and flaws. The religion itself was pretty much spot-on and would never promote judgment of others, hatred of others, or persecution of others. That all gets layered on afterward by the mob brain.

I lived as an outsider for years - not part of the conservatives despite retaining my conviction of that viewpoint's merits. Even though I hung with the rebels I didn't join them in scoffing at the ethics and morals of the conservatives. I tried to uphold those morals and ethics whenever I could manage it, even though living a very different lifestyle than what they promote.

Then I got married and I returned to the conservative mob. But I'd gained some invaluable experience that I firmly believe very few people acquire: a different perspective. I was in a place to play devil's advocate and call out the drawbacks in the mob's approach, as well as the benefits of the heathens' viewpoint. I got a lot of odd looks; nobody knows how to treat a spy who seems to agree with you but also suggests uncomfortable alternative viewpoints.

About 3 years ago I divorced, and allowed that to propel me out of the conservative mob once again. I moved in with good friends who embrace every possible nuance of the liberal mindset. It was awesome and I loved it! I learned so much, and I continue to learn constantly.

My current peer group is almost entirely comprised of extremely liberal folk. I love 'em. Some of them probably think I'm one of them, 'cause I have learned to be cautious in sharing my viewpoints before they're requested. Hence my Secret Spy standing: I hear people venting about the stupid conservative Republican Christians all the time. Since most casual peer groups tend to form around the same political axis, my peers are so used to being surrounded by nearly-identical perspectives that they naturally assume I mirror their beliefs, just like all thinking adults who aren't simply evil. I get to hear the most amazing bashing of my own belief system, frequently. It's pretty cool.

The part that bothers me is identical whether I'm listening to Mormons soliloquize about the evil corruption of closed-minded gay activists, or a queer friend earnestly ranting about the evil oppression by closed-minded Christians. Both mobs dehumanize the "enemy" and assign powerful negative traits to them: stupidity, closed-mindedness, greed, hatred, pride, arrogance, etc. All of these insults are hallmarks of casual but heated political discussions. But the amazing thing is that both mobs are so very similar in core values, and they're so very similar in the way that they mindlessly promote their own enlightened viewpoint while villifying the enemy's closed-minded brainwashing viciousness.

They do, of course, disagree powerfully about core issues. And those issues are extremely important and impactful. But instead of disagreeing respectfully, both mobs seem to find it mandatory to inject deception, assumption, insult, pride, and finally hatred. It's baffling, terrifying and humbling... 'cause even the Secret Spy gets caught up in it all.

I watched Obama foes present half-truths and misconceptions in order to villify McCain. I watched McCain foes do the exact same thing right back. Both sides in controversial issues always seem to be so very dedicated to their opinion that they'll do anything to convince others. It's amazing how almost every single person feels perfectly entitled to to shove their personal opinion down the throat of others, so long as their peers agree with them. There's an overwhelming mob acceptance that the ends justifies the means.

How can so much hate pour forth in the name of love? How can so much judgment take place in the name of accepting differences? How can people who are so powerfully similar see each other as diametrically opposed enemies? I carry deep love for so many people who try so hard to hate the mob comprised of other people that I also love. It's depressing and it fosters pessimism in me. And none of them really get that they're doing it; they listen to stuff like I'm writing here and they say, "Yeah, can you believe how closed-minded the Dems/Reps are for not adopting my viewpoint?"

There's so much effort, time and money spent on conflicting about things by people who agree on the most vitally important core issues. The waste is phenomenal. From Wikipedia: The campaigns for and against Proposition 8 raised $35.8 million and $37.6 million, respectively. Wow. That's a little over $70 million dollars that could've been spent on making our world a better place. Instead we poured it into advertising and campaigning. Only Obama and McCain have spent more than this in American political efforts. I firmly believe that we could resolve things without dumping money into public opinion... but public opinion is how it's done and so that's how we do it. After all, the enemy will win if we don't do it.

I'm reminded of "Take me to your lizard."

I don't really have a summary or a suggestion for improvement. It's really tough to learn to stop thinking as a mob. Especially when the rest of the mob assures you that only the enemy mob is doing things wrong. People can do the most amazingly terrible things as long as other people tell them it's okay.

On the bright side, once separated from the mob people often regain their own minds relatively quickly. But if lots of brainwashing has taken place, whether it's "gays are sinners" or "anti-gays are filled with hate", people can operate on the mob mentality even standing all on their own. At that point they tend to become mob leaders, in fact. *shudder*

I guess I'm venting. People in America, quit hating other Americans so fiercely! Yes, you, the person who's saying, "No doubt, everyone who disagrees with me, quit hating!" Try to seek solutions instead of dehumanizing the enemy. Seek to love and accept others instead of using "you don't love and accept others you fiend!" or "I don't like or understand what you choose!" as justification for hating those whom you accuse of not loving and accepting.

There. I've cussed out everyone, myself included. Now I can let this go and move past it. Whew.

Happiness

I used to think I knew what this word meant. But the older I get the more I think that most of us don't understand very many words at all.

The meaning I used to assign to "happy" can be described with words like fun, exciting, entertaining, new, and fresh. And those are all valid components of happiness. But none of them are required, nor are any of them particularly happy-promoting. Fun doesn't make people happy. It can assist, for sure! Exciting is easy to confuse with happiness... but it's not at all the same thing. Ditto for the rest.

Someone called out a solution to this: use the word "joy". Joy isn't nearly as easily confused with fun/exciting. People generally get the meaning behind "joy" a lot more accurately than they get what I mean when I discuss "happiness".

Enough definitions, faugh. I get so bogged down by those things.

So in my search for lasting happiness I'm gonna examine the things that bring me joy.

First of all is the most obvious and obligatory topic. It's the primary source of joy in my life. It can best be summarized in a single word: Benjamins.

If my kids fail to evoke joy in me it's because I'm seriously out of alignment with the universe. Their eyes, and smiles, and voices, and laughter - these are the colors that decorate the canvas of my life. I can't conceive of life without frequent doses of Benjamin. That'd be like work without pay, or kissing without a girl.

The next most frequent contributor to joy in my life is my friends and family. I love my peeps. Most of them are incredible people. Some aren't so much, but I still love 'em. I love having people I can trust with anything, and I love having people who trust me enough to let me know when I do something that bothers them. I love spending time with my peeps, and talking with them, and sharing my thoughts and ideas, and hearing their thoughts and ideas, and disagreeing and agreeing and discussing. I'm so much more of a people person than I ever was when I was a younger man.

People is also the primary way that Kazum brings joy into my life, by the way. Improving and being healthy and performing are all really cool and fun and exciting, but none of that evokes joy. The trust and love and bonding that grows between us, though... it's a vital source of joy in my life.

The third way that joy enters my life is through my senses... but that's always tied strongly to God for me. If I hear music or see a forest or smell a rose or taste something yummy, it invariably makes me incredibly grateful to my Father for providing all of these neat-o things as well as the senses that inform me of them. And by far the most reliable and accessible source of joy in my entire life has been spirituality and love for God.

I don't know if there's really anything beyond those three routes, for me. A great many other things entertain me or excite me. There are lots of great emotions that come from lots of different activities. But joy is pretty narrowly provided. That's so fascinating to me.

I kissed a girl

I had a spectacular birthday 2 weeks ago. My older two sons came to visit. I performed last night. And, as the Title indicates, I kissed a girl for the first time in 2 years. Sweetness.

It was a pretty normal, boring day up until the evening. Lots of people on iHeart wished me happy birthday. Even though it's an easy thing to do, it still brings warm fuzzy feelings and I appreciate it.

Last night's venue was one I'd performed at before: the Someday Lounge in downtown Portland. It's a bar that's dedicated half of their dance floor to a solid, permanent stage. Best of all, they have ceilings high enough for 2-and-a-half-high stunting. We couldn't basket-toss, but that's okay; only out most showy routines include basket-tosses.

Since Kazum just replaced 2 guys and 1 girl, the only routine that's performance-ready is "All About Love," which is a snappy little number that Uli and I choreographed a few months back. It's just the two of us, which is a little dissapointing, but it's chock-full of stunty fun. The warm-ups were a little scary; they had side-lighting that blinded us on a few of our stunts. But we worked around it and got all ready.

Also, a co-worker came to the show and I was all kinds of excited about that. He's a great guy and I was glad he finally got to see what I do.

So before the show I was outside cooling off after a backstage practice run-through. A girl on a bike noticed me and stopped, asking, "Hey, aren't you a gymnast?" I'm actually not... but what people mean when they ask that is, "Don't you perform flippy-type things?" It turns out that she is friends with a girl who used to be roommates with one of the guys in the group. At a performance a few months back she was really friendly and I think she was hitting on me back then. And it certainly seemed as though she was interested last night. I invited her to the show and put her name on the guest list, and we talked for a bit.

The performance went well in some ways and not so well in others. All of the stunts hit, and they hit sharply. That's awesome! Nobody was hurt - again with the awesome. But my performance felt lackluster. Plus, they didn't announce us... they just told us to start after the 10-minute intermission. Half the audience was outside smoking/talking/cooling off, or at the bar. That's sucky.

Those who saw it offered the appropriate props. I can never tell what percentage of the compliments we get are obligatory and what percentage is genuine.

There were a bunch of stilt-walkers as ambiance, and they were all really cool. One of them was a girl I knew from a few different things in the past - Stephanie. She's my dream-girl. I don't know what quality it is that elevates a girl from "person" to "goddess" in my eyes, but she's got it in spades. She's like 19 years old; I'd never actually participate in anything romantic with her. But she's one of the girls who has the power to stop my speech simply by being present. 'Tis awkward. I mostly avoided her.

Anyway, I went out to the bar to get my free birthday drink - Cap'n Morgan Spiced Rum & Coke, yum. My fan was there (her name is Annabel) and she was all excited to see the show. She was really bummed when she found out we'd performed it. She was outside with many other folk and didn't know it had already finished. :( That's okay; she saw it a few months ago. But still, that's why she was there.

We went outside and talked. She's gorgeous, but in a way that isn't really my thing. Exquisite makeup & hair, adorable outfit, all the stuff that our society demands of us before we can be considered sexy or attractive. But that's all a big red flag that she's not gonna be into me at all; I spend zilch effort on image, and I have no interest in style or fashion or in looking the way our culture indicates I should look.

Still, I was all dandied up in makeup and costume, sweaty from performing, so I figured that's about as good as it gets as far as Scott's Image is concerned. And she seemed to concur; she was almost flat-out hitting on me. She was probably confused about why I wasn't reciprocating... I'm just too shy. *sigh*

Anyway, I taught her how to do a cool stunt (a flag) and she was tickled pink. Then we went back inside and hung out for a while. We ended up being alone together and she was still hitting on me and I finally gathered all my courage together and asked her for a birthday kiss. She was very amenable, and neither of us held anything back. It was awesome. We didn't actually make out... the kiss was only 45 seconds or so. But it was certainly more than a quick peck. She complimented me on my kissing (again with the "how much is obligatory and how much is genuine" question) and I thanked her for the birthday gift and we talked a bit more as we returned to the green room where a wild party was in full swing.

I said my goodbyes (my older boys were waiting at home, along with my sister & her roommates). I thanked Annabel again and hugged her goodbye. The poor girl must be all kinds of confused; I didn't do any of the things I'm obligated to do. I didn't ask for her phone number or email address, for example. She's moving back home to New York in a few weeks... which is a big part of why I didn't bolt immediately. I didn't establish any way to contact her; I'm not looking for an actual fling. Plus, I'm pretty sure she'd find me non-attractive if I wasn't costumed and made-up. I suspect that I'm just not her type, and that's fine by me. A kiss is all I wanted.
Well, I coulda lived through a quickie, but that also includes some extra overhead stuff. So a kiss is probably better.

*sigh* I'll keep telling myself that and maybe I'll buy into it eventually.

My buddy from work (Carl) was my ride home and when we were about halfway there I was flattened by a realization. It still leaves my knees trembly and it turns my belly into a butterfly airstrip. I doubt I can communicate it adequately, but I'll try.

One of my favorite memorized poems is "Annabel Lee" by Edgar Allen Poe. The girl I broke my kiss-fasting with was named Annabel. And I utterly failed to recite the poem to her. I am almost certain to never again have that opportunity - to recite a poem to the girl who is named after it. I don't know if she's named after it intentionally of course. I almost made Carl take me back so that I could find her and squirrel her away for a private poetry reading. But my kids were waiting. *sigh*

Anyway, the rest of the night was spent in hilarity and revelry. I played guitar & sang "Always the First to Die" for Carl. (http://www.puremagic.com/~scott/music/always_the_first_to_die.wav - sorry, I know that .wav is a lousy format but I've not bothered to convert it to anything better.) We played Boggle, which we spiced up with much joking and funnery. We decided that Superman can undeniably be described as savey, and my 15-year-old son Jed was clever enough to condense "date-rape" into "dape". Perhaps you had to be there to appreciate the humor in, "Hi, I'm Scott. Have a roofie! Would you like to go out on a dape with me?" But we all laughed in an uproarish manner.

All in all, the evening was pretty much as perfect as it could possibly be without Dutch triplets who were in town for the contortionist lovemaking competition.

Wow, I have a blog

I forgot I had this. Cool.

My single spam-bot reader must be wondering what's up in the Life of Scott. So, I'll post an update.

I kissed a girl on my birthday. That was pretty cool. I already blogged about it elsewhere but I should probably repeat it on this blog site. Update: Posted!

I'm performing gymnastics and stunting with Kazum, a local acrobatic dance group. We have all-new members other than Uli and myself, but despite that we're going strong and really pushing our performance to a new leve. It's so exciting I can't talk too much about it or I'll wet myself.

The boys are healthy and happy. We recently built a Kitty Kastle, but my cats are just too big. Oh, these are new cats... Griffon had to be put down from a shattered hip and Suess lives with Chad & Ashley now. The new kittens are brothers: O'Malley the Alley Cat and the runt of the litter, Abu. I should get a picture of 'em. I should've gotten some pics when they were tiny, crud.

My sister and her husband moved into my apartment complex, and I see 'em all the time. It's lovely.

I'm finally done being celibate and single. Well, I may stick with the celibate thing simply 'cause I am unwilling to let romance & sex eclipse my life again. It's been nice taking 2 years off from single-minded obsession with girls. I feel a lot more healthy than I was 2 years ago.

But I do wanna kiss someone. My birthday kiss was superb but I suspect that there are even more wimmen out there, and from a statistical viewpoint surely one or two of them might find me attractive.

Hm, maybe not. My current hairstyle is more likely to attract a chimpanzee than a human. And my stunning sense of personal style has remained impeccably deficient since it first broke, in grade-school. I keep wanting a girl who doesn't care that I'm a shaggy dork and digs me for what's inside... but honestly, who's ever gonna make it past the ironclad "shun me" image that I wear? Huh? Who?

I've been my typical hyperactive self on my newest online endeavor: iHeartSingleParents.com It's great 'cause I can make lots of friends. There are terrifyingly attractive ladies there, but many of 'em live in nice safe places like Florida and Texas and Michigan. I can befriend women who are far away. It's the local gals that make me feel all skittish.

But being online friends is cool, even with the local girls. And it's not like I'm gonna have to fend off hordes of wimmen or anything; see the shaggy dork conundrum above.

I think I'm gonna use this blog spot and then paste copies to the iHeart blog area. This one is more permanent (in that it's been sitting here collecting virtual dust for years).

Barbeque, game night, and kitties

Today at work they threw a huge barbeque party. It was awesome. I entered the "bratwurst eating competition" on some insane whim. To prepare, I ate lots of food. I thought I was gonna die during the competition. I was a runner-up, though, and got a cool traveling game set for the kids. :)

Last night's game was awesome. I forgot how fun it is to play. It's hard for me to focus on work; I want to go start implementing cool ideas for the game, build stuff, etc. It ain't easy being a Geek.

I've been taking the kittens out onto the balcony with me, but they keep trying to crawl through the railing, and they're stupid & clumsy enough to fall (I'm on the 3rd story). So, they're mostly inside-kitties, still. Maybe I'll take them swimming this weekend. That'd be nicer than bathing them in the house, I think. And I'd like to rinse 'em down. They're 8 weeks old, so they've not been bathed for 8 weeks.

I need another reader. I'm my only audience. While that's nothing new or surprising, it is the teeniest bit pathetic. Hm, what attracts readers? Maybe I can lure people in via text searches.

Hot sex. MILF. (I have no idea what that stands for. But that's okay. I doubt I want to know.) Lolita. Teen. Viagra. Free money. Statistics for Yeti. How to get a marble out of your son's nostril.

That pretty much sums up the breadth of my online searching. Hopefully I'll attrack like-minded folks to my blog this way. :)

Kitties at the park

I took the kittens to the park yesterday, with the 3 little boys. The kittens have only been outside one time in their life... on the drive to my house. They were in a box that whole time.

So, they were understandably nervous about the Big Ol' World. They finally brazened up, though, and explored. They had a blast, but they were constantly on edge and nervous. When we got home they drank ravenously and then collapsed immediately. Poor critters. :)

I took some pictures. But they're not trimmed, shrunk, and edited yet. :(

Homework

Last night I kicked out two of the late assignments. Go me! I still have 2 or 3 remaining, and tonight I have the little boys so I won't have much chance for homework. *sigh* However, once they're in bed I should be able to get (hopefully) all caught up, and start on next week's homework. I haven't been proactive in school for months... it'll be nice to get back to that.

This weekend I was supposed to go camping with work buddies, but the campsite is closed. So, we had to postpone to August. :(

As a result, I have a weekend blocked out with no Scottlings, and nothing to do. I haven't had a full day to myself for a long, long time. Makes me wish I had friends!

Maybe I'll see if Haus & Co. are in the mood to do something. They're out in B.F.E., though, and they don't drive. My wee car can't haul people around very easily. There's a lotta Haus at the Haus house.

Some woman from MySpace might wanna do something with me, too, but that's kinda freaky. I don't have much faith in meeting people online. Chatting and emailing is fine. But meeting face-to-face?... bad mojo there, IMO.

Atwheelz invited me to come do his yardwork for him, which (oddly enough) sounds like a complete blast. Working outside in the sun, talking with real people... I hated working in the yard or garden as a kid. Now I wish I had a house of my own so that I could mow its lawn. Twisted and sad, yup.

Oh, and someone read my Blog on MySpace! Lemon, whom I first taught HTML to many moons ago. Actually I just showed her the basics of cannibalizing other peoples' web pages, and she went ballistic with it and now she builds websites that are incredible. Anyway, Lemon read my blog entry. But that's not all... oh, no! She next proceeded to leave a comment! Woot! And then, in case the demands of karma hadn't been exceeded 10 times over, she gave me a Kudo!

Wanna know the best part of all? I have no idea what a Kudo even is!

Yeah. It's a little much to absorb in one sitting. I'll come back later and try to process a little more of it. Shaikgn fnigres, cnat teyp.

Soctt

I'm way busy lately

Jed & Alex (my oldest two sons) came last weekend and ended up staying for a week. I've had the younger three boys for 5 out of the last 7 days, as well, and I've got them plus Jed (Alex went home on Wednesday) this weekend. I'm 2 weeks behind on homework, I'm trying to convert a bjillion pages of documentation to HTML for my new world and my room is still full of boxes... I need more time!

Obviously, the best solution is to sit down and blog things out, hoping that they'll resolve themselves while I'm thusly occupied. :)

Ugh, the boys are fighting the kittens with a cardboard-tube lightsabre. I'd better go intervene before they choose the dark side. I've got a fistfull of Anakins, you see. The force is strong, but within them, much angst I sense.

Yoda

Oooh! My very firstest post!

I'm giddy with excitement!

Okay, not so much. :)

This is just a placeholder blog entry, but I might as well express my spammy self, anyway.

I'm Scott, 34. I live in (can you guess?...) Portland! Oregon, that is. West coast. I love it here.

I work for a major entertainment business (Rental & Sales) in the Games department. I don't play games all day long, but it's not a bad job nonetheless.

I have 5 boys ranging from 4 to 13. I also have two 7-week-old kittens. Griffon is grey and white, and she's calmer than her brother Suess, who is black & white.

My wife and I are divorcing. I know, sad. :(

I love camping, and I used to hike a lot before I spawned a bjillion little Scottlings to take care of. I also used to be a cheerleader in college, and I still do gymnastics now & then. I play guitar & sing (primarily with the boys) and I play games. Primarily paper-pencil RPGs (AD&D 3.5e for those with a sufficient Geekery skill to decipher this) but I'm taking my game online after 4 years of preparation. Woohoo! Check it out ifya want: http://portland.puremagic.com/~scott/new_world I built everything there ('cept some of the graphics). Yeah... I'm a major Geek. Guilty.

That's the basics of me. :) There's lots more, but the internet's a scary place, and I don't like to spread my secrets in too many public places. :)

Now I'll watch this blog fail to attract posts, and eventually tire of it. But at least I made a start.

Later,
Scott