Polyamory
About a week ago I was wrestling with whether or not, and how, to break up with my girlfriend. A few days into that I decided to do it via cheating on her via a casual fling with a girl I'd just met. I'm still undecided on the wisdom of that decision. I should've attempted to break up with her first, and then cemented it with a fling. And it's not like I was all about breaking up, and uninterested in the fling. But things worked out so that I could take the easy, quick way out. I have been agonizing about that choice ever since. Plus, I've been missing my girlfriend fiercely.
My last three relationships (Gaelen, Mary and Joey) have convinced me of a few things. Most pertinent and important, I've become convinced that I'm in a lousy place to be a boyfriend. My life is chaotic and centered around myself - my kids, my work, my Kazum, my stunting, and my funseeking. Although my ladyfriends have been very willing to date me despite my "can't be a very dedicated boyfriend" clause... that willingness fades with time, and that doesn't repair itself with reminders of "but we decided we were gonna be fairly non-dedicated". Joey is in a similar situation (jobless, distant) but we still seemed to adapt into a pretty darn dedicated relationship... along with the accompanying obligations and pressures that seem so tied-up into relationship problems.
The next important thing I've realized is that I'm dating among a pool of people I will simply never be in a good place to date seriously. I'm dating people who drink & smoke & do all the things I do - all of the things that I certainly don't want to do forever. I'm dating among a pool of people who are not only "not Christian" but pretty firmly set in the "anti-Christian" camp. I repress my religious beliefs as a matter of course simply 'cause the bulk of my peer group are anti-Christian... but repressing it from my girlfriend is more difficult. None of my girlfriends have had any interest in learning more about the beliefs that I hold, and that my kids are living. It makes sense; I don't live my religion and other than expressing that I believe in it wholeheartedly, I repress it. That repression is just another facet of my lifestyle that makes me think I'm just not in a good place to be a boyfriend. I'm pretending to be without beliefs... but deep down, I'm not really without beliefs, and those beliefs are still core values even though I don't live them. I'll never marry someone who's got no interest in my religion, so it's not really fair to date someone who doesn't have any such interest.
And finally - just because I want a monogamous relationship doesn't mean that I'm capable of doing a good job in one. Up until last week I've done a great job of being faithful and safe, but it's constant work and there's always a risk of being hit on by some cutey. Once a relationship moves past the honeymoon phase, and into the "real work needs to be done" phase, the temptation to exit via a backdoor rises. I can't put anyone else through what I put Joey through. She's a wonderful lady who certainly didn't deserve the breakup I delivered to her. I'm sure I'll meet another wonderful lady who is just as undeserving of a betrayal, but I'm not at all confident I won't betray.
Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
I've never believed in it. I don't think I do, still. But at the same time, I think it's the most appropriate way for me to not be single. I could just be single, of course... but without a girlfriend as a motivation, I'm not very bloody likely to resist hooking up with interested girls. That'd be great if I just wanted random partners, but all my life I've strongly tended toward emotionally-invested, serious relationships. I much prefer them. Lots of action with lots of people isn't how I want to live.
So I think I'll explore polyamory and see if I can make that work for me, while using it to safeguard the girls I date. I don't want to hurt anyone else the way I hurt Joey - though honestly I don't know how hurt she is. Offended and upset, but I've been surprised by how quickly and thoroughly she left "us" behind. I've never been so cleanly dumped before. That's a good thing; it's more clean and quick than I could've ever guessed. That weighs in toward "it was probably more effective and thorough than trying to 'manually' break up".
I need to keep my lifestyle more isolated from my kids. I think it's probably a good idea not to bring them into contact with people I date. When Joey and I were having some trouble a few weeks ago, the boys missed a serious conflict by about 3 minutes 'cause they were late being dropped off. If they'd been there during the conflict, the relationship with Joey would have ended very badly right then. I've got way too much baggage around being yelled at & having things thrown and broken, while my kids are present. They and I lived through a few hellish years of that with Heather and I'll go to pretty extreme measures to ensure that they don't have to deal with that again. That conflict, more than anything else, convinced me that Joey and I wouldn't be able to progress in our relationship.
So, while I'm dating girls who drink and don't believe in Christ, I really oughtta not put them around my kids. *sigh* Lame. There are a host of reasons, including setting examples as well as keeping my own personal behaviors in line with the beliefs I profess to my boys. If I'm around a girl I'm dating I'm more likely to expose the boys to behaviors that I can keep much more under control when it's just me. Swearing, drinking, smoking, etc. As well as volume of time - girlfriends demand time and on boy-weekends that time is *theirs*.
That's okay. I can be a much more dedicated dad on boy-weekends, and keep my funseeking lifestyle separate. That's better for everyone concerned, I think.
My last three relationships (Gaelen, Mary and Joey) have convinced me of a few things. Most pertinent and important, I've become convinced that I'm in a lousy place to be a boyfriend. My life is chaotic and centered around myself - my kids, my work, my Kazum, my stunting, and my funseeking. Although my ladyfriends have been very willing to date me despite my "can't be a very dedicated boyfriend" clause... that willingness fades with time, and that doesn't repair itself with reminders of "but we decided we were gonna be fairly non-dedicated". Joey is in a similar situation (jobless, distant) but we still seemed to adapt into a pretty darn dedicated relationship... along with the accompanying obligations and pressures that seem so tied-up into relationship problems.
The next important thing I've realized is that I'm dating among a pool of people I will simply never be in a good place to date seriously. I'm dating people who drink & smoke & do all the things I do - all of the things that I certainly don't want to do forever. I'm dating among a pool of people who are not only "not Christian" but pretty firmly set in the "anti-Christian" camp. I repress my religious beliefs as a matter of course simply 'cause the bulk of my peer group are anti-Christian... but repressing it from my girlfriend is more difficult. None of my girlfriends have had any interest in learning more about the beliefs that I hold, and that my kids are living. It makes sense; I don't live my religion and other than expressing that I believe in it wholeheartedly, I repress it. That repression is just another facet of my lifestyle that makes me think I'm just not in a good place to be a boyfriend. I'm pretending to be without beliefs... but deep down, I'm not really without beliefs, and those beliefs are still core values even though I don't live them. I'll never marry someone who's got no interest in my religion, so it's not really fair to date someone who doesn't have any such interest.
And finally - just because I want a monogamous relationship doesn't mean that I'm capable of doing a good job in one. Up until last week I've done a great job of being faithful and safe, but it's constant work and there's always a risk of being hit on by some cutey. Once a relationship moves past the honeymoon phase, and into the "real work needs to be done" phase, the temptation to exit via a backdoor rises. I can't put anyone else through what I put Joey through. She's a wonderful lady who certainly didn't deserve the breakup I delivered to her. I'm sure I'll meet another wonderful lady who is just as undeserving of a betrayal, but I'm not at all confident I won't betray.
Polyamory (from Greek πολυ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
I've never believed in it. I don't think I do, still. But at the same time, I think it's the most appropriate way for me to not be single. I could just be single, of course... but without a girlfriend as a motivation, I'm not very bloody likely to resist hooking up with interested girls. That'd be great if I just wanted random partners, but all my life I've strongly tended toward emotionally-invested, serious relationships. I much prefer them. Lots of action with lots of people isn't how I want to live.
So I think I'll explore polyamory and see if I can make that work for me, while using it to safeguard the girls I date. I don't want to hurt anyone else the way I hurt Joey - though honestly I don't know how hurt she is. Offended and upset, but I've been surprised by how quickly and thoroughly she left "us" behind. I've never been so cleanly dumped before. That's a good thing; it's more clean and quick than I could've ever guessed. That weighs in toward "it was probably more effective and thorough than trying to 'manually' break up".
I need to keep my lifestyle more isolated from my kids. I think it's probably a good idea not to bring them into contact with people I date. When Joey and I were having some trouble a few weeks ago, the boys missed a serious conflict by about 3 minutes 'cause they were late being dropped off. If they'd been there during the conflict, the relationship with Joey would have ended very badly right then. I've got way too much baggage around being yelled at & having things thrown and broken, while my kids are present. They and I lived through a few hellish years of that with Heather and I'll go to pretty extreme measures to ensure that they don't have to deal with that again. That conflict, more than anything else, convinced me that Joey and I wouldn't be able to progress in our relationship.
So, while I'm dating girls who drink and don't believe in Christ, I really oughtta not put them around my kids. *sigh* Lame. There are a host of reasons, including setting examples as well as keeping my own personal behaviors in line with the beliefs I profess to my boys. If I'm around a girl I'm dating I'm more likely to expose the boys to behaviors that I can keep much more under control when it's just me. Swearing, drinking, smoking, etc. As well as volume of time - girlfriends demand time and on boy-weekends that time is *theirs*.
That's okay. I can be a much more dedicated dad on boy-weekends, and keep my funseeking lifestyle separate. That's better for everyone concerned, I think.
posted by Scott | 8:50 AM
4 Comments:
I walk away from all my relationships like this: Keep my chin up, put it behind me, & try to learn and grow as best I can from what happened and from the mistakes I made. It doesn't mean that I don't hurt (a lot), it just means I have a way of dealing with my emotions in a constructive way, far more that you ever did/will give me credit for. I also demonstrated this when I kept my cool when you told me what happened. What happened that night a few weeks ago was a single moment out of character and I spent time deconstructing it to understand how I could behave in a way so unlike me (ignoring how you were behaving, and only focusing on me and how I reacted to the things you were saying). I came to the conclusion it's best if I no longer drink (aside from coffee and cloves, I'm 100% clean and straight-edge). Since you never acknowledged it, I'm under the impression that doing so would invalidate your argument and make you feel even more guilty for your choice and for never giving me a chance for redemption.
But I digress. My point is, if you'd have taken the mature and adult path, I'd still walk away the same as I am now, but with respect for you, view you as a mature adult, and keep our bond alive as very close friends. At the end of my last relationsip, we spoke of our relationship woes like adults without conflict, without argument, listening to and trying to understand one another. As a result we're still very close and will always be bonded. I wish you'd have chosen that path as it helps heal the hurts by having that person remain a big part of your life. Especially since I felt like you enriched my life in so many ways.
The religious aspects are completely valid, and I'd been meaning to talk to you about them. When I did my "homework" in the beginning of the relationship I read a blog post mentioning how you couldn't marry someone non-Mormon. I'd wondered if this was something you still felt since you never talked about your faith. I couldn't tell if you were just hiding it, or if it had diminished with time, and you were embracing other ideas. I personally can date or marry anyone of any faith. For me, my own "religious" beliefs are not something I require of anyone else, it's just something I hold inside to make myself a better person, to try make sound choices that face me on my path (not always successfully), and to live a life of compassion, nonjudgement, understanding, mindfulness, and awareness (and hopefully gain some wisdom in the process). Obviously, not everyone, of course, has this same approach to religion, especially you and I, so the reality is, we didn't have a future together even if we'd have been able to resolve our problems now. This is something I've thought of prior to dating you (I study religion daily, so I think of these things all the time): "If I were to have a child with someone Christian how would we approach it?" Zen allows one to believe in Christ, and embrace his teachings, but I don't know if my ~imaginary christian s.o.~ would feel as though I'm "watering down" their faith by this dualistic approach to child rearing. I suppose it depends on the extremity of their beliefs, and if they believe the principles I live by are also something they find beneficial. Although, I haven't figured out how to approach the conscious vs. unconscious "creator" aspect. "Mommy believes in a life force that flows within all things like a river. Daddy thinks God...etc..." That's a tough one.
Anyhow, I'm rambling - nothing new there.
I miss the person I thought you were; I wish that were still a part of my life and don't require the "romantic" aspect. But as I said Saturday, what you did to me is not a platform to build a friendship off of.
And I really miss stunting...A LOT...dang.
I would have emailed this, but I wanted at least a little of my side of the story to be out there as well.
thanks for posting some of your story joey.
To make the label feature work better, put commas in between the labels instead of spaces.
Thanks for posting and sharing, Joey. I very much appreciate understanding the things that you expressed.
When I read that you were giving up drinking a bolt of cold angst shot through me. I would most likely have made a different choice if that decision had happened prior to my betrayal.
Your choice to stop drinking does, in fact, mostly invalidate my argument. And yeah, it increases my guilt for choosing to betray your trust.
Raising kids is one big facet of the religious aspect. The other is the marriage portion. I'm not living my beliefs at all right now, so they're not all that applicable *now*... but they would be at some point in the future, prior to having a kid or gettin' hitched.
Thanks again for posting.
Post a Comment
<< Home