Mental Meanderings

Nothing to really document, just looking for a place to vomit up what's on my mind lately.

First of all, Holy Diver (DIO) and Play With Me (Extreme). These two songs provide the bulk of my ambition to learn to play an electric guitar. I've blistered my fingers on GH and RB, and I think that the transition to actual lead isn't gonna be too tramatic for me. Plus I've got a son who's obligated to assist. All I need is sufficient stability to justify putting $100 or so into an electric guitar and amp. Meaning, knowing where I'll live for long enough to feel like I can set up fancy guitar stuff.

My plans for stability involve converting Creature's attic into my room. Mostly it's the upper window - when I first saw the house it called to me powerfully. "Live HERE!" it said. That's way better than "Death awaits within" or "Run now", which are two of the more common haunted-house messages. Anyway, Creature's offered to let me install the Alice In Wonderland door (the White Rabbit's escape route) in the ceiling above the stairtop. Then there'd be the equivalent of a pullup bar in the opening, requiring the hopeful entrant to pike and kip up into the room itself, unless a suitably trained acrobat happens to be nearby to lift and assist. The only drawback I can see is that it'd be tough to show my room to my mom (who is short and stout) and if I ever take an injury (like the spinal vertebrae slips I'm prone to) I can't get into my room.

I got chewed out by Doc, Alysia, and Doc's good friend Ursula, for voicing my concerns about Doc & Alysia's dating. Doc (bless his heart) asked me to meet with him to discuss it. I like that - he took the bull by the horns. I totally respect that, and it was a good meeting and I think we're pretty much squared away as long as I stop sharing my opinions & concerns. That's cool; I gave back some of the crap that *I* took when I was dating a teenager last year. I also got to express to both Doc & Alysia why I (and others) are concerned. That's about as much as one can hope for in these situations, so I feel well served. Ursula was pretty hostile, but I think we resolved that via private messaging, so overall I'm delighted with how things turned out. They'd prefer I'd remained silent like the bulk of those who have concerns... but I think that actually *hearing* the concerns is good for 'em, so I'm happy.

Things with Dawn are spectacular. Except that Dutch (whose sense of dudeaic chivalry is grossly underdeveloped) is now introducing Dawn as my girlfriend. That makes me goad her to hook up at LIB (I offered her Alex, and he's a sweet gift) so that I don't feel compulsed to hook up, myself. I just don't wanna see our relationship spiral into "you're not making me happy" which is what the last few relationships I've had have spiraled into. I blame my lifestyle, though of course that's partially a coward's way out - I *could* be a good boyfriend *and* a circus acrobat. I just *don't* seem to do both, very well. Maybe it's the girl - but I think the bulk of the responsibility lies on my shoulders.

Uli was surprised recently when I beat her to the punch in explaining that my Funseeking is just a new version of my old escapes from emotional negativity. She mentioned that often I already know what the issues are 'cause I'm pretty self-aware. It was really validating to hear that - I'm used to recovery spaces where people praise that acquired skill heavily. In the Real World it's often assumed to be nonexistent. I miss places where I wasn't Selling Stupid quite so often, and I get to exercise the part of me that not many people get to see. The smart part. In the circus circuit I sell Stupid way too frequently and it's become a crutch for me. It's just so much easier this way, though.

No LIB for me. That's mostly okay. I can't afford it, and I always feel sad and disappointed when I trade off Boyweekends for Fun. Amanda is a no-go... she is the most screened lover I've ever had, I think. That's fine, but it makes me feel a little sad & used. She doesn't mind being my date when things are secret or safe, but I'm a back-burner kind of guy to her and I've got enough self-esteem/ego to not enjoy that. Mostly I just yearn to hang out with Alex. He homesteaded quite a few acres of my heart and I miss him desperately. Zac, too... those guys are my guy lifemates but both of 'em headed off for distant ports.

I miss Jem, too. I keep almost going over there but then I have other obligations that intervene. I also feel like there's some underlying hostility. It seems to have matured during the Joey breakup but I think there's more to it than that. I love Jem but I have a hard time being around folks who are upset with me. Part of it is selfless - I don't like being a negative influence, at all. But a bigger part is selfish - I dislike being around people who are upset/concerned with me. And Jem has issues (very valid issues) about my lifestyle, my hypocrisy, and my selfishness. It's not so much that I wanna dodge that... it's more that I'm aware of the issues and I feel mostly helpless to affect 'em. And trying can have catastrophic results. Funseeking works way better than any of my other band-aids. I fear mucking with it.

I sure do love my job. Within a class or two I become the favorite Coach of my students. Parents love me. And I thrive on teaching kids to learn. The gymnastics stuff is fun, for sure... but mostly what I like is building young minds. Each time I praise a kid, they glow, and I love it. Instead of moving data around for some corporation to make more money, I'm building youths into adults. I never thought I could do that safely but finally at long last I have confidence in my ability to do so. I much prefer kids and parents to a cubicle and Excel.

I kinda wish my body would hurry up and break down. I've had a helluva run in the circus acrobat gig and I'm satisfied. I don't believe that I can uphold my actual moral convictions in this lifestyle, and I sure do miss the peace and serenity and reverence that accompany a *good* lifestyle. I'm really enjoying the "don't hurt others while seeking self-gratification" kind of life. It's so odd to me that so very many people embrace it as the ultimate morality... I'm continually boggling. But it's where I've finally accepted being, and it's got everything other than true happiness, so what am I complaining for, eh?

I've met so many wonderful people and I wish I were providing an example of what I believe in. I'm a good enough guy and I suppose I should be happy that's recognized... but compared to the *real* good people I'm a shameful farce, and it amazes me how little is required to earn a "good guy" label in the society in which I'm immersed. The Robert Parks and Jerry Christiansens of the world are truly rare. I'm deeply grateful to have had so many astoundingly *good* people in my childhood. And, of course, leading that list is my mama-san. She's coming to visit soon and I'm really excited! :)

I'm gonna go look up chords for Holy Diver now (it's been alternating with Play With Me, which is a bit much to bite off as an Intro To Lead project).

Friendly Fire weekend

I had the boys this weekend, and kept them at my place (in Creature's house) for the first time. It went well. Creature and Charisse weren't really around at all. We broke out inline skates and the scooter, plus they loved mowing the back lawn with a push-mower. Alex was here, too, and he helps immensely with his little brothers. He's wonderful.

On Saturday he took 'em to Saturday Market until Open Gym. Then we moseyed off and played at the house until Parents' Night Out. I was supposed to be performing at Friendly Fire, but I'd forgotten to take PNO off. :( I finally reached the final non-committed alternate coach (Shaunice) but she has a vertebrae out of place in her back. I hooked her up with Dutch, and he helped her a lot, so that she could spell me off on PNO. Yay!

I hauled the boys down to the venue, and changed into the Spiderman costume that Dutch provided for me. It was awesome! I began climbing things, and people started snapping pictures. I looked at one and it amazed me - normally it's odd and a little neat when I hang from things, but in the Spiderman suit it was spectacular. I climbed on the Groove Bomb and hung from a yardarm up there - sweet. I really hope I can track down a few pictures from that night.

Things were chaotic (amateur fundraising gig) so Kazum didn't get to perform in the early show. I hung out so that the boys could watch fire spinning while I climbed on stuff as Spiderman. I hefted 'em up onto the Groove Bomb to watch, which they enjoyed. Other than that, they were pretty unimpressed by Spiderdad. *sigh* Ungrateful little sods. :)

I ran them home and caught a ride back (with my bike) with Alex's stepdad Michael. He took a few shots, and then I bolted inside to perform with Kazum. I did some handstands in the Spideysuit, which was way fun. Then we gathered at the (split-level) stage to wait. We saw Dave Clay do a killer homeless spongebath routine. Then we were on.

Dutch and I tried to pull down the aerial hoop but we couldn't. So I put Petra up and she took it down quickly. Then Kazum was on - but we had to sweep down the floor with our hands because of staples and other debris. It was a rocky start. Once we started, things went pretty well, though. We did the first portion of Death Blossom. We had to pull the basket-toss a lot, and Miranda and I did a stand-full-down rather than from an extension. Overall it went quite well!

Then we ran off to drink and stuff. Dawn was there, and I danced with her a few times but mostly I was doing my circulate-among-pals thing. I approached several folks with my Spiderman mask on, and made them nervous for a bit. Charisse was the most fun - she finally said, "Dude, you're almost groping me here and I don't even know who the hell you are." I leaned in and said, "I live with you." Then she laughed and hugged me. We talked for quite a bit. She's found a new place, and she's moving forward. I'm really glad - I want her to be happy again.

I stunted with several new folk, which was fun as always. Adrienne kept making me do chairs despite my fuzzy mind, but they kept turning out really good. It was a way fun party. I hung upside down from various things. I really wanna see some of the pictures of that. I also did some testing of the effects of alcohol on balance - I held some killer handstands that defied intoxication. Right on.

I ran into Nicole, though at first I didn't recognize her. She was polite, but reserved and uncomfortable. Made me sad - I wanted to get to know her but now it's all weird. *sigh*

I finally left with Dawn to go to an afterparty with her at Ron & Kathy's super sweet house on the hill. It was fun to meet all of her people, but I was shy and they don't know me at all. They were very nice but I need to spend lots more time with them before they know anything about me so that I can relax a bit.

Then Dawn and I spent the most amazing few hours I can recall ever spending with a woman. Mindblowing. Got no sleep, but that's okay. I called Alex at 6:30 to provide the little boys with access to breakfast. Then I came back home and we played together for a while.

They wanted to go to Jem's place, but I had to bathe and feed them first. I tossed 'Topher in the tub as well, and then we headed out. Creature's car had the van parked in, though, so we had to walk about 2 miles to the MAX stop. Then we missed the transfer 'cause I was reading The Great Hunt to 'em instead of paying attention. We walked back to Pioneer Square, pausing for another meal at Carl's Junior. But when I called Jem to confirm coming out to Beaverton, he was upset. I think it was mostly 'cause it took us 2 hours to walk/MAX to where we could catch a Blue Line. But it also seemed like he was upset that I would ask if Jer & Nathan could bathe or shower at his place. He said something about using him to pretend to Heather that they were in a stable environment. I'm not sure what that's about, but I didn't want to try to figure it out via phone while the boys waited, so we canceled. They were sad, and they didn't want to hang around downtown so I called Dawn and we went out to her place. We rented "Where the Wild Things Are" and had a nice supper at her place. Then Heather picked 'em up and I headed to Circus Class.

It was a great class. I came home afterward instead of finding Wild Fun - I was exhausted and for the first time in a long, long while, I was all Funned out. Mostly I just didn't have any Wild Fun offers, though. I woulda gone out if there had been something to do.

My weekends are so often full of wild excitement and people I love and stunting and limelight. It's a nice contrast with the humdrum of my weekly life. Well, my afternoon and morning life. My evening life is usually full of awesomeness. Even my job is full of awesomeness. I love teaching kids, and they dig me. So do the parents. I really love my life. I wish that I could live it while still holding true to my convictions. But it's a lot better living my life (sans convictions) than it was living a much more sedate version of my life and *trying* to hold to my convictions while failing miserably. Now I just fail in much more enjoyable ways.

I do really miss inner peace and reverence and lasting happiness. Not that I've often achieved these things - but I used to at least be anxiously engaged in seeking after them. Now I'm mostly just engaged in non-impactful hedonism.