Burning Man 2010 - Wednesday

On Wednesday morning Feather stopped by almost immediately - yay! I'd just showered (yay again!) and I was ready to wander a bit. Feather was with Michael, a really nice guy she'd met on arrival at BRC. He had mingled romantic/protective feelings for her, but he immediately realized that I wasn't gonna interfere with either, and he accepted me pretty well. I was overjoyed to see her - I had been concerned for her simply 'cause she was a daughter-figure for me. I felt way happier at BRC with someone to be responsible for (even though I wasn't *really* responsible for her). I'm terminally parental.

We wandered to Dawn's camp and saw her for a bit, then moseyed elsewhere - I don't recall where, specifically. Eventually we swung back through Suckie Fuckaye and I talked with Doc and Dawn for a time.

While talking to Doc in the morning, I had an epiphany. I mean, it's something I've known for years, but never before had it been so crystal clear how pervasive it was. Religion replaces meditation with prayer.

Doc was talking about meditation, which Dawn has also talked about, plus numerous others in my past. But I've never utilized meditation. People assume that's 'cause it's hard to learn how to meditate, but the truth is that I fear meditation. Emptying my mind sounds suicidal - no thoughts equals death, or so I'm convinced in my subconscious somewhere. The concept of trying to not think horrifies me. Doc was addressing this fear and he talked about some of the effects, benefits, etc. of meditation. I suddenly realized that what he was describing wasn't scary at all - it was simply communion with truth. 'Cept without a spiritual component, which is a shame but it's still pretty darn cool. Anyway, the times I've experienced what he describes as "meditation" are the times I've spent in earnest communication with God. So, obviously for me the religious person this means that meditation is mimicking prayer. And for the nonreligious person this means that I'm pretending there's a 2nd party present in my meditation, and that He takes part in it and communicates with me.

Anyway, it sure helps some things click into place in the question that so frequently gnaws at me, "How can spiritual, intelligent people avoid listening to the still small voice of truth?" So I wrote it down and wanted to be sure to record it somewhere.

Dawn arrived and joined our talk. Doc talked about some pretty deep stuff from his past, which was wonderful. I love windows deep into people. I shared some similar things, as well, which poor Dutch walked into unsuspectingly.

I also realized on Wednesday morning during the talk that I wasn't actually interested in hooking up with other women. I actually realized it on Tuesday night, but it crystalized on Wednesday morning as I talked with Doc and Dawn. I used to firmly believe that love and polyamory were mutually exclusive, but then Alex Dial entered my life and challenged my beliefs. I've wrestled with it since then, a lot, and after breaking up with Joey I decided to explore it for myself. Well, I didn't actually make much progress there (super-shy is a huge handicap for the poly-intentioned) but I did ponder it muchly and stay mentally and emotionally positioned to explore it. But then I finally, against strenuous protests, fell in love with Dawn, a week or so before the burn. And at the burn I realized that I wouldn't be betraying *Dawn* if I were to hook up. I'd be betraying my own heart. If a human is truly in love with another person, they lose the desire to copulate with other humans. It's awesome, wonderful and right, and it holds our society and our souls together. I've never heard anyone tell me differently who I honestly believed knew what real love was about. There are tons of people who feel strong emotions for others, get a huge payoff from others, etc. But not many of us experience real love, and those who do, don't have the desire to step outside of it for sexual gratification elsewhere.

It's a big relief. :) I may certainly still make mistakes - temptation eclipses love, for sure. I do hope that love will win out, though, when temptations arise. I'm much happier being in love than I've ever seen, heard of, or experienced from being self-gratified by a new romance. Aligning the soul, emotions and mind is way better than just aligning the emotions and the body, then trying to convince the mind to jump on board.

After the big talk with Doc & Dawn & Dutch, I said goodbye to Dawn. I was still pretty choked up with emotion from Tuesday night, 98% of which was my own baggage with little to do with Dawn. One of my baggage items is sensitivity to public displays of conflict. I super-hate fighting or even arguing in public. My parents kept their arguments very private, and they only ever fought one time in public (my dad only). I lost a tragic level of respect for him for doing that to her in public, and I gained enormous respect for her for walking away from it instead of engaging.

Anyway, I cannot stand public displays where my heart and emotions are exposed. That ain't for everyone to watch and gossip about. While Dawn was trying to say goodbye she was concerned about me, and kept trying to process or comfort, and as I got increasingly distant and isolated her concern increased... cycling back in and making things continue to worsen. I tried to interrupt and leave, but she wouldn't go nor let me leave. I tried to explain that I don't like to do things like this publicly, but she didn't understand and instead of getting the gist of it she kept trying to (publicly) clarify what I was talking about. I finally choked out, "Can I please go?" and she thought I had asked her to leave. I repeated myself a few times, ending with, "I have to go." She stumbled off crying, and I felt like the meanest and most broken person in the whole world.

I was so isolated and withdrawn by then that it was super-easy to simply put that in the "ouch" folder, and head off to stunt. One of the rare benefits of childhood abuse and addiction is an ability to immediately compartmentalize enormous trauma, and leave it there until it either bursts out or there's an appropriate time to be subjected to it.

So, I felt great by the time I got to Center Camp where we burst gloriously into the stunting scene.

I gotta admit some pride. I like lurking and stretching and warming while the acro folk do their thing. Their thing is pretty amazing - many of them are super-specialized and highly-skilled. Ground acro ain't easy at all. But when we start doing double-stunting, jaws drop like crazy. Not many people do double-stunting and almost *nobody* does adagio. Miranda showed up and that opened up the really cool tricks - Libs and Cupies and Extended Fulldowns. At one point we had Dutch and Doc, too, letting us do some adagio, Basket Tosses and other 3-person stuff. People were snapping pictures like mad, though I've not seen a single one other than a few of Dawn's.

I think it was Wednesday (or Tuesday) that we met Shanni. She's an aerialist who's done some stunting, and she quickly outstripped her base's capabilities. She was astounded at Dutch and I, and we did amazing things, from hand-to-hand to various double-stunts like Angel Fulldowns. Our first Angel Fulldown was nearly flawless, and as she cradled I watched her eyes bug out with overjoyed amazement. It's the same pop as an Angelbesque, which I do all the time with various fliers, so it's super easy to transfer to an Angel Fulldown. She was hooked immediately. She'd been thinking of moving to the west coast, and Dutch and I did our very damn best to convince her that Portland would offer her the best place for her talents. She'd be a shoe-in for Kazum's light flier position, and her personality is exquisitely appropriate for the group.

We met a bunch of stunterfolk, from bases to fliers. Jordan was great, and so was Morgan. They learned like mad. John was a heavy base with a year or two of experience and he was thrilled to get some additional training. There was also Scott, a super-experienced acro base with some pretty decent double-stunting skills as well. Plus a bevy of gorgeous flier-gals who were thrilled to get up on Dutch and I. If I were single and assertive I could glean a ridiculous amount of lovin' from my stuntery. It makes me glad I'm not either of those. :) Burning Man confirmed for me that the he-slut lifestyle just ain't for me.

In fact, I found myself almost entirely without arousal the entire time, despite being surrounded and often mounted by the most beautiful women I've ever before encountered, in the most revealing and sexy costumes imaginable. It was kinda just an overload. 'Twas sweet. I'm sure I'll find breasts sexy again sometime, but after a week of BRC, they're mostly just body parts. Beautiful and all, but not particularly alluring. I'm super-grateful that Dawn was there - occasional nights spent with her really allowed me to spend by burn being relaxed and in control, rather than being consumed by lust.

I came to Burning Man for the stunting, and I ate my fill. By the time I staggered out a few hours later (long after Doc & Dutch & everyone else had limped wimpily home) I was spent. I dropped my dust-colored bag and canteen and goggles and bandana, peeled my sweatmuddied sandals from my numb feet, and collapsed in my tent. No air mattress (I never bothered to blow it up) but I still went into a motionless state of relaxation approaching sleep. My mind was zipping along a million miles a minute, though. I worked through lots of the intellectual stuff from the night before, plus some stored-up stuff from pre-burn. I was too exhausted (emotionally and physically) to cry much, but I leaked a bit and that was very healing.

I spent an hour or two almost motionless. I could *feel* my body repairing itself, and I could also feel that my mind was missing out on the recharge.

Then it was night-time! I donned a suit - Blacksuit. I put on my OCF flame-mask, too. Blake took the 2nd Blacksuit. I was hoping to convince him to climb stuff with me, 'cause he's a human muscle. I did, too... wow, did that boy rock it out in the blacksuit.

We went out in a group. Emily, Dutch, Sara, Blake, Leah, Jay, me, and a few others. Jay is one of our stunting students - a cute little thing who's super-sweet. She has a man (Matt) who was stunting with us as well. I accidentally glommed onto her once and she assured me, "You can touch me!" So she became my stuffed animal, more or less... something warm and fun to touch. I pawed at her all night, and she responded in kind, but there wasn't arousal in it. It was wonderful, and the ambiance of the night was certainly impacted heavily by Jay. Thank you Jay!

Wednesday night saw my very favorite moment at Burning Man 2010. I walked up on Nexus' Tower of Babel rave stage and saw Dutch leaning out over the crowd from atop the left tripod. He was in dayglow spandex, a baseball cap, and his American Flag jacket. He was rocking out and leading the crowd's frenzied pulse. They were roaring as he spearheaded the beat, and he looked so in his element that it brought tears to my eyes. He was doing what he does in the best possible place to do it.

I had to join him. I bounced quickly up - acrobatics and stuntery has created spidermanlike climbing skills in me, to my delight. I'd just visited Dawn for a few moments and I was feeling great - supercharged and intoxicated. I slipped into my customary "Uh, what is a dork like me doing here?" line of thought, and suddenly my mental chain caught in the gears. I realized I was invisible - nobody could see my face. I was just a blackshape with flame eyes. I'm in good-to-excellent shape, due to biking & acrobatics, so I imagine I looked good. With the onus of my appearance removed, I discovered that if I let the music shake me, it would. So I did.

I doubt I looked cool or talented, but I hope desperately that I looked primal enough that it wasn't an amusing thing to watch "that guy" try to dance. I've seen that happen before and it anguishes me. But it didn't *feel* like that's what was going on.

Anyway, I spent the night experiencing, for the first time ever, what it's like to channel music through my body. It was a certain type of music - dub-step, I think it's called? The beat is supersteady and powerful, and now & then it fades and builds back up to a short pause followed by superthumping beat again. I rode the waves for hours, often looking over to see Blacksuit Blake doing the same thing on his tripod. I dangled from various limbs at various angles in different positions, just experimenting with what this new body I've built is capable of. I can (to my delight) hang from one kneepit, as well as from one hand. I can dance that way, in fact. I can hang upside-down and dance, though I'm not sure how much it's dancing and how much it's swaying & convulsing. Sure wish I could find one single picture or video of all the hang-dancing I did. *sigh* Blake sure looked cool doing it, but he already knew how to dance and he doesn't do it like I do. I wanna seeeeeeee!

Finally everyone began wandering home. I watched the sun come up with Blake from the top of the Suck 'n Fuck Saloon, then debated going to Dawn's camp. But I didn't wanna wake her, plus I was in a pretty negative space 'cause of the previous few hours (which weren't her fault at all). It turns out that she was missing me terribly right then and wanting to come see me, but was afraid she might find me with someone else. Poor Dawn - how sad and painful that must've been. :( Anyway, I crashed in my tent for a few hours of desperately trying to sleep, before becoming convinced that I was gonna miss my 1:00 stunting appointment at Center Camp. So I got up and got ready and found out it was only 10:30.

But that's the next day's story.