Hypocrisy: The story of my life
Last night Kazum performed at the inauguration of Sam Adams as Portland's major. He's the first openly gay mayor in America. There was lots of press coverage and a great deal of support from gay/lesbian/queer community and liberal folk, of course. And that's totally appropriate.
As I arrived at 5:00, March Fourth Marching Band was setting up. They're awesome, and one of their drummers (Aspen) is Uli's boyfriend. I love him very much, and I like all of the band members (there are 30 or so). They're big & loud & flambouyant and extremely liberal. It's awesome. Anyway, I was obviously there to perform, and I was baskin in the giddy happiness despite being sad about the event itself. I'm a conservative parent who firmly believes in the LDS gospel; a rabidly-liberal mayor makes Portland a much worse city from my perspective. I'm not protesting or anything, but I certainly wasn't there to show support. I was just there to perform, as well as to enable the rest of my group to perform. They were probably there partly to show support. But I wasn't... yet I was there. Hence the hypocrisy.
A nice little gay man with AIDS picked me out for some reason to gush effusively about how neat this was and how the world was finally accepting gays, and he went on and on for about 10 minutes. It was fine; I love people and I was okay with listening to him. He obviously assumed I held the same beliefs, and why wouldn't he? I was there, after all. It was just ironic and amusing that of all the people there he picked the one person who absolutely did not support the event's underlying celebratory nature. It was enjoyable to receive his happiness but it was bothersome because I powerfully disagree with the events he was so pleased about.
So, we performed and the show was awesome. I toe-pitched Alex higher than we ever have achieved, and Russ & I threw Miranda in a basket-toss that would've scraped the ceiling of almost any other venue. Luckily, city hall has a 200-foot-high ceiling. Uli & I did "All About Love" afterward since Trashcan Joe was performing. Again, it was awesome. An adorable little 4-year-old girl named Omi came up and said that she liked our show, and I talked with her for a few minutes as her eyes sparkled. Her mom was quite pleased, and more than a little shocked to find out that I have 5 kids of my own. I tossed her in the air and she crowed about how her dad did that too. She ran over to have him toss her and I was glad I hadn't thrown her very high; I would've felt lousy about upstaging dad, and I didn't even realize dad was there. Kazum gets a lot of adoration from kids, and I thrive on it. I also had an older (60ish) lady come up and go on at length about how neat we were and how much joy we bring, and how our performance was magical. It was awesome. It always makes me wish I could explain that while watching it is surely fun, it's so amazingly exciting to do it!
Back to the topic, sorry.
I've tried really hard for the last 10 years or so to be honest about my choices. Instead of rationalizing something 'cause I'm doing it, I maintain my insistence that it's wrong even though I do it. Drinking, smoking, swearing, having sex without being married - these are my primary vices. I've noticed that nearly every person I've ever known is careful to justify their vices. If they can't seem to stop doing it, they rationalize it away or simply refuse to admit that it's a vice. That's way more comfortable than honestly succumbing to vice. My older boys' mom is better at it than most; she completely rewrote her ethical outlook based entirely upon her own desires. THAT, to me, is hypocrisy.
But it's also hypocritical to say one thing and do another. The obvious solution is to do what we say. In many ways I'm able to do that. In ways that involve my "pet vices" I'm not able to do that. I was born with extreme weakness to appetites, and I've cultivated that into a chink in my ethical armor that's big enough to shove an entire devil through. I used to maintain that if I could change anything about myself I'd change that... but then I thought it through and decided that miraculous changes are worthless. I hope very much to someday turn my weaknesses into strengths, but I hope to do it through work, willpower, learning, humility, reliance upon others, etc. Magical cures rob us of incredible potential growth.
I hate modeling hypocrisy. My friends assume that my beliefs are shallow and fleeting; holdovers from being raised in a culture that doesn't cater to hedonism. They're honestly puzzled when I insist that I hold values that conflict drastically with my behaviors. Most people are. But, I believe that most people rewrite their morality according to their wants. Enjoy money?... simply define greed & envy as a desire for self-betterment. Turn it from a vice into a noble trait. Big on pride?... call out the good effects that can accompany pride, while minimizing the deadly impacts of pride. Enslaved to lust?... call it love and laud yourself as a giving person whose affection simply cannot be restricted to just one person. Etc.
Instead, I do my honest best to maintain a clear perspective even though I frequently shatter my own belief system. And then I try not to make excuses for the shattering. People often tell me, "You're a great guy, don't worry about it so much!" That's a very tempting way to avoid responsibility for ethical failures. Mostly 'cause it gives the illusion of absolving us of guilt. But I don't think it really does; most people who vehemently insist that they're totally fine with their ethics are actually pretty torn up about it, and it shows despite their attempts to convince themselves and others.
Instead, I'm torn up about the hypocrisy. Part of it is cultural; society demands that we do what we say we believe in doing. That's a great demand and I support it wholeheartedly. But when we "can't" live up to our ideals we're faced with a choice:
#1: Live up to our ideals. Keep trying harder. Win. This is the best choice. It's also a choice I've been reliably poor at making. There are a lot of people who reliably choose #1. However, I firmly believe that most people who claim to chose #1 are really choosing #2, below.
#2: Redefine our ideals as a way of accomplishing #1. If our ideals lower, they're way easier to live up to. This is what most people do, and then claim to be living up to their ideals.
#3: Maintain our ideals while failing to live up to them. *sigh* So far, it's just me who does this one. Well, I've heard of a few people who do this. But I've never met anyone who does.
Should I jump on the bandwagon and adopt option #2? Ugh, no, everything within me rejects that proposal.
Should I keep aiming for #1, and reliably failing? Ugh, yuck, sucky, *pbbbbbbt*.
So how do I actually choose #1 reliably? Therapy? Done it for years and years and years. Motivation for another person? If my kids aren't enough to motivate me, then there ain't nobody out there who is. Learning all about why I choose what I choose? I've spent enormous quantities of time & effort here, and they've certainly helped. I'll keep doing this one for sure.
What else? Marshall my willpower yet again? Another "This time I mean it?" How do I make such an audacious claim without laughing at myself? Why would I believe me? That's like an alcoholic who throws away his bottle and tearfully insists for the 1,000th time: "Never again!"
Plus, upsetting my vice-balance often means that one vice gains tremendous power. The past culprits have been funseeking, gaming, and wimmen. (In reverse order.) But I'm not ruling out alcohol; anyone who learns to medicate emotions through compulsive behavior is a poster-child for chemical addiction. I'd actually prefer chemical addiction to the others, but everything I've learned indicates that chemical addiction stacks with other addictions. Switching to alcoholism is an attractive option. Adding alcoholism is not attractive in the slightest way.
So, I embrace hypocrisy. Well-wishers often advise me, "Just don't succumb to vice anymore." That's great advice, but it's also largely without practical application. If I could figure out how to do that reliably, I'd be a much better person, and I'd already have done it.
Yay, hypocrisy! *sigh*
As I arrived at 5:00, March Fourth Marching Band was setting up. They're awesome, and one of their drummers (Aspen) is Uli's boyfriend. I love him very much, and I like all of the band members (there are 30 or so). They're big & loud & flambouyant and extremely liberal. It's awesome. Anyway, I was obviously there to perform, and I was baskin in the giddy happiness despite being sad about the event itself. I'm a conservative parent who firmly believes in the LDS gospel; a rabidly-liberal mayor makes Portland a much worse city from my perspective. I'm not protesting or anything, but I certainly wasn't there to show support. I was just there to perform, as well as to enable the rest of my group to perform. They were probably there partly to show support. But I wasn't... yet I was there. Hence the hypocrisy.
A nice little gay man with AIDS picked me out for some reason to gush effusively about how neat this was and how the world was finally accepting gays, and he went on and on for about 10 minutes. It was fine; I love people and I was okay with listening to him. He obviously assumed I held the same beliefs, and why wouldn't he? I was there, after all. It was just ironic and amusing that of all the people there he picked the one person who absolutely did not support the event's underlying celebratory nature. It was enjoyable to receive his happiness but it was bothersome because I powerfully disagree with the events he was so pleased about.
So, we performed and the show was awesome. I toe-pitched Alex higher than we ever have achieved, and Russ & I threw Miranda in a basket-toss that would've scraped the ceiling of almost any other venue. Luckily, city hall has a 200-foot-high ceiling. Uli & I did "All About Love" afterward since Trashcan Joe was performing. Again, it was awesome. An adorable little 4-year-old girl named Omi came up and said that she liked our show, and I talked with her for a few minutes as her eyes sparkled. Her mom was quite pleased, and more than a little shocked to find out that I have 5 kids of my own. I tossed her in the air and she crowed about how her dad did that too. She ran over to have him toss her and I was glad I hadn't thrown her very high; I would've felt lousy about upstaging dad, and I didn't even realize dad was there. Kazum gets a lot of adoration from kids, and I thrive on it. I also had an older (60ish) lady come up and go on at length about how neat we were and how much joy we bring, and how our performance was magical. It was awesome. It always makes me wish I could explain that while watching it is surely fun, it's so amazingly exciting to do it!
Back to the topic, sorry.
I've tried really hard for the last 10 years or so to be honest about my choices. Instead of rationalizing something 'cause I'm doing it, I maintain my insistence that it's wrong even though I do it. Drinking, smoking, swearing, having sex without being married - these are my primary vices. I've noticed that nearly every person I've ever known is careful to justify their vices. If they can't seem to stop doing it, they rationalize it away or simply refuse to admit that it's a vice. That's way more comfortable than honestly succumbing to vice. My older boys' mom is better at it than most; she completely rewrote her ethical outlook based entirely upon her own desires. THAT, to me, is hypocrisy.
But it's also hypocritical to say one thing and do another. The obvious solution is to do what we say. In many ways I'm able to do that. In ways that involve my "pet vices" I'm not able to do that. I was born with extreme weakness to appetites, and I've cultivated that into a chink in my ethical armor that's big enough to shove an entire devil through. I used to maintain that if I could change anything about myself I'd change that... but then I thought it through and decided that miraculous changes are worthless. I hope very much to someday turn my weaknesses into strengths, but I hope to do it through work, willpower, learning, humility, reliance upon others, etc. Magical cures rob us of incredible potential growth.
I hate modeling hypocrisy. My friends assume that my beliefs are shallow and fleeting; holdovers from being raised in a culture that doesn't cater to hedonism. They're honestly puzzled when I insist that I hold values that conflict drastically with my behaviors. Most people are. But, I believe that most people rewrite their morality according to their wants. Enjoy money?... simply define greed & envy as a desire for self-betterment. Turn it from a vice into a noble trait. Big on pride?... call out the good effects that can accompany pride, while minimizing the deadly impacts of pride. Enslaved to lust?... call it love and laud yourself as a giving person whose affection simply cannot be restricted to just one person. Etc.
Instead, I do my honest best to maintain a clear perspective even though I frequently shatter my own belief system. And then I try not to make excuses for the shattering. People often tell me, "You're a great guy, don't worry about it so much!" That's a very tempting way to avoid responsibility for ethical failures. Mostly 'cause it gives the illusion of absolving us of guilt. But I don't think it really does; most people who vehemently insist that they're totally fine with their ethics are actually pretty torn up about it, and it shows despite their attempts to convince themselves and others.
Instead, I'm torn up about the hypocrisy. Part of it is cultural; society demands that we do what we say we believe in doing. That's a great demand and I support it wholeheartedly. But when we "can't" live up to our ideals we're faced with a choice:
#1: Live up to our ideals. Keep trying harder. Win. This is the best choice. It's also a choice I've been reliably poor at making. There are a lot of people who reliably choose #1. However, I firmly believe that most people who claim to chose #1 are really choosing #2, below.
#2: Redefine our ideals as a way of accomplishing #1. If our ideals lower, they're way easier to live up to. This is what most people do, and then claim to be living up to their ideals.
#3: Maintain our ideals while failing to live up to them. *sigh* So far, it's just me who does this one. Well, I've heard of a few people who do this. But I've never met anyone who does.
Should I jump on the bandwagon and adopt option #2? Ugh, no, everything within me rejects that proposal.
Should I keep aiming for #1, and reliably failing? Ugh, yuck, sucky, *pbbbbbbt*.
So how do I actually choose #1 reliably? Therapy? Done it for years and years and years. Motivation for another person? If my kids aren't enough to motivate me, then there ain't nobody out there who is. Learning all about why I choose what I choose? I've spent enormous quantities of time & effort here, and they've certainly helped. I'll keep doing this one for sure.
What else? Marshall my willpower yet again? Another "This time I mean it?" How do I make such an audacious claim without laughing at myself? Why would I believe me? That's like an alcoholic who throws away his bottle and tearfully insists for the 1,000th time: "Never again!"
Plus, upsetting my vice-balance often means that one vice gains tremendous power. The past culprits have been funseeking, gaming, and wimmen. (In reverse order.) But I'm not ruling out alcohol; anyone who learns to medicate emotions through compulsive behavior is a poster-child for chemical addiction. I'd actually prefer chemical addiction to the others, but everything I've learned indicates that chemical addiction stacks with other addictions. Switching to alcoholism is an attractive option. Adding alcoholism is not attractive in the slightest way.
So, I embrace hypocrisy. Well-wishers often advise me, "Just don't succumb to vice anymore." That's great advice, but it's also largely without practical application. If I could figure out how to do that reliably, I'd be a much better person, and I'd already have done it.
Yay, hypocrisy! *sigh*
posted by Scott | 4:30 PM
2 Comments:
Great post, Scott. You're asking yourself interesting questions, to which I certainly don't have an answer. Oh, I could probably argue that your #1-#3 list needs a couple more categories for completeness, and I'll quibble with your use of the word "choice" to describe the process by which people fall into these categories, but I agree in broad outline.
It might be good to note that you are not the first person in the last couple of thousand years to express these thoughts. Perhaps you ought to pick up a copy of St. Augustine's Confessions; I think you'll find a lot of common ground there.
Ooh, thanks! A resource! :) Awesome.
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