Dilema: Hookin' up

Hard on the heels of my last blog rant, I find myself conflicted. It's how I usually find myself, so at least there's consistency to reassure me.

I'm in a tempting position. I'm an acrobat in a circus who performs frequently in makeup and costume that make me look all hot and non-dorky. I'm in excellent shape for anyone, and for a 37-year-old father of five I'm in incredible physical condition. Ugh, how arrogant... sorry, I'm trying to be accurate, not egotistical. *sigh* Any dude who reads this cannot help but hate me.

Anyway, I look younger than I am when I'm made-up. Plus I dye my hair and I'm in shape and I'm often costumed. I'm positioned to pick up a whole lot of gorgeous women as a result of all this. Gorgeous women frequently show an interest in me, and only years of dedicated practice have maintained my inability to be romantically aggressive.

Per my previous rant, I am dedicated to not indulging in this parade of female flesh, simply 'cause that's what it is: flesh.

But, here's my newest challenge: flesh is attached to people, and I dig people. I dig people a lot. I like meeting and getting to know new people. It happens frequently, among both genders, which I am egotistical enough to take as high praise. <18 names redacted> and surely more I'm not recalling from the last year or two.

Only two or three of those involved romance. One way to read that is that romance isn't a big factor in bonding to people.

Another way to read that is that I've not had much romance in the last two years. :)

Alex bonds strongly with a lot of people. He's remarked that his bonds typically fade quickly, too... though his bonds with Uli and I are designated not to do so. That means the world to me, by the way... thank you, Alex.

So do his bonds fade because they're romantic? More scientifically... do those bonds fade because libidinous bonding is less potent?

Anyway, it makes me wonder how much closer I'd be to I would be if I weren't such a prude.

Interesting tact for self-indulgent rationalization to take, eh? *sigh*

I'm wondering if my sexual hesitance isn't outdated. I know that I believe religiously it's wrong, but that isn't really my motivation for abstaining. I mean, I'm not abstaining from virtually anything at all for religious reasons while I'm Funseeking, so why would celibacy mean any more than it did when I was 17?

It's more because I've seen so much lust passed off as okay, that I'm concerned. And given my past, that's a pretty damn fair red flag.

So on Thursday night Aspen handed me a gorgeous, nubile fire dancer who's my age, and I leapt at the opportunity. Now I feel a tad ecstatic, a tad disgusted with myself, and a tad justified. I mean, for reals, this lady is hot and she really dug me as a dude well before she dug me as a lover.

That's a whole 'nother issue, though. My concern right now is that Thursday's damsel has birthed ... or perhaps simply unearthed ... the whole "why not be like Alex" temptation. I could smile and flirt (quietly; it's bad when I talk too much) and pick up all manner of delightsome womenfolk. One of them could adjust from Miss Right Now into Miss (Actual) Right. I mean, right? *sigh*

Again with the self-indulgent rationalization red flags.

If only there were such a thing as an unbiased outside opinion. But perhaps the internet could provide the facade of one. Hm.

Anyone who wants to should invite (and provide, of course) feedback into this odd version of a mid-life crisis. An anti-crisis, perhaps?... Hm. Smacks of O'bama. ;)

To flirt or not to flirt? That is the question here.